Always the Bridesmaid

By Au Goose
A work of harmless fun (fiction). Not for kids - even the ones who come to your door screaming trick or treat! For Caylane from a silly Goose. Best if used before the day after tomorrow.



“Really? Another one?” Her mother looked almost as exasperated as Kellie felt.

“What can I say? I’m cursed or something.”

“So what was it this time? Meteorite? The second one was a meteorite, wasn’t she?”

“No, the third one was a meteorite, and that hasn’t happened since Gail. She’s the 7th by the way. I remember clearly. We split the bill to repair the back porch where it landed. If I’d been ten seconds faster it would have been me flouncing around in tights with boobs as big as my head. God, Gail was such a bimbo.”

"I get the order so confused.” the older woman said.

“Well with ten of them – strike that. Eleven now – its probably not dementia.”

“Just a little C.R.S.” The older woman’s smile brightened Kellie’s world.

“Can't Remember Shit Syndrome” they called out together, laughing.

“So this last one. Did she...?”

“Yeah. I don’t know what gets into them. Its like ‘Wow, I have big boobs. Wow, I can fly. Wow, I have to put on the most over the top sex act imaginable to rub it in Kellie’s face now.’ I mean the first three or four times it was great. But now? It’s like God’s punishing me.”

“Now dear, you know if God were punishing you it’d be like the girl with the demons...”

"Oh... Yvette. The sixth one, go figure. You’re right. It took weeks to get the sulfur stink out of the apartment when she got her super powers. Can you believe it? She’d sneak up on me at night. For three weeks I’d wake up with a full-blown succubus grinding on me. Eww. Horns and batwings. So not my thing. I had to kick her out.”

“I remember. I came over and helped you hang out the curtains to air.”

“That’s right! And I’ve gotta tell ya, after this last one I don’t know if I even want to put up a new ad for another roomie. I can probably cover the rent if I give up on, you know, food...”

“You could invite one back. You and Amanda parted friends, right?”

Kellie’s face fell. “I think Amy got killed by Doctor Rage after that.” Seeing her mom frowning with her she tried to smile. “She saved the world though.”

“That’s terrible honey, I didn’t know. Being your roommate can be dangerous. I mean, look at it from their perspective.” Her mother reached forward and brushed a lock of brown hair out of her daughter’s eyes.

“I try to. In fact I think Sheila planned the whole thing. I mean after seven of my roommates get super bodies and whack-ass powers... I think she answered my ad looking to get zapped on purpose. And yes Sheila was number eight. Found a giant book of tantric spells... and then her melons... Though I have to admit, she had class. Ravished me by candle light and everything.”

Her mother smirked at her. “I thought you said it stopped being fun after four...”

“Sue me. Sheila was special. She flew me to Paris. We’ll always have Paris, right? Daniel took me to a train-yard. Can you believe it? A. Train. Yard."

“She wanted to show you she could life a train engine?”

“No, that was Kim’s thing. Daniel had this trick. She’d put her breast up against the rail and fly down it. You could see her nipple getting harder because the gouge she left got deeper and deeper... so hot.”

“One of the first four?”

“Yeah...”Kellie answered dreamily, remembering. As much as she might complain about the ambiance, she couldn't set foot on a train without getting aroused after Daniel...

“Well if money’s tight I could stay with you a few months, dear.”

“Mom! I’d feel terrible if you got, you know, bitten by a radioactive bear or something.”

“Is that really a thing?”

“Yes! Ok, when it happened to Kiki it was a radioactive ferret, but it could have been a bear... Mmm ferret powers... And that cute pink tongue...”

“You liked them all, didn’t you dear?”

“Busted.”

“So I’d be the ‘Momma Grizzly’? Look at my amazing power to hibernate!” Her mother made the most ridiculous snoring sound.

“Moo-om. Stop... Really... It’s not funny...” The giggles were leaking out of Kellie.

“Yes it is, dear. They’re all funny.”

“They kinda are. But, Mom?”

“Yes?”

“I kinda wish it would happen to me too.”

Her mother hugged her close, just the way she needed. “Oh my darling girl. Always the bridesmaid. Never the bride.”

Kellie sniffled a little. “Yeah.”

I just love her being so blasé about it after almost a dozen of her roommates have gone uberbabe in front of her.

(man, I want that curse...)

Added an entirely safe for work image and a few sound effects.

Merci!

(that's about 1/5^th of all the French I know )

But what "cant remember shit" syndrome means ? Is it a cultural référence ? I don't get it un my language (french).

Yes. In America people get so worked up about the slightest thing going wrong with their body or brain they worry its some kind of disease or syndrome. Its so bad/common that clever people turn it into a joke. They'll say to friends "Must be C.R.S. syndrome" when what they actually mean is "oh, I forgot" because they know forgetting things sometimes is perfectly natural.

Heehee. Just stuff I wrote. I wanted to have mom snore like a hibernating bear as part of her joke but I wasn't sure if it would break up the pacing. I decided to stick it in on the second pass .

Thank you ! I had a Lot of fun writing it. Once the joke started it just kept spilling out onto the page, writing itself. I think my favorite is "Kim", a girl who can PICK UP A TRAIN and Kellie just dismisses her with one off-handed comment like she's nothing. Some of the gags I had to construct, fitting them into the twisted time-line of 11 roommates going super, but the "Momma Grizzly" stuff just happened. I didn't plan it, it was just suddenly on the page looking up at me with a smirk .

Glad you enjoyed!

What makes this vignette funny is that it's literally the road less travelled. The normal-ish friend is one of the main tropes of our genre and more foten than not these kind of characters feel very minimalistic, having to take the back seat respect to the main one. This work is very nice back window into this underestimated characters.