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Aztec supervillainess

20 Oct 2019 03:54 #65328 by Thefirstone
Aztec supervillainess was created by Thefirstone
Thinking about doing a story about a superwoman descended from an Aztec god.  The basic idea is that her powers are dependent on blood/sacrifices, but I’m not really sure how that should work.  Does she just get stronger with each kill or do they charge a magical “battery” of sorts?  Does it have to be human sacrifice or should any kind of gift or offering to her work to some extent?  In a nutshell,  what do you think about this?

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20 Oct 2019 10:04 #65333 by Whatever
Replied by Whatever on topic Aztec supervillainess
Love the idea! 

Honestly, I would go for both ideas at the same time- have a "battery" system in place, so that she theoretically can be hurt if she runs out of sacrificial energy, but that might be what only human sacrifice is for. Other gifts could conceivably power her up permanently (such as relics, or her finding ancient transcripts that give her more knowledge of what she can do). 

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21 Oct 2019 05:39 - 21 Oct 2019 05:39 #65341 by Thefirstone
Replied by Thefirstone on topic Aztec supervillainess
Here’s what I’ve got so far.  Feedback would be appreciated.

Maria’s mother was the only family she’d ever met.  The first question she could remember asking her was who her father was.  “One of the old gods,” her mother replied. “One of the gods the people of this country worshipped before the Spanish came.  The gods that demanded offerings of blood.” Maria had always assumed that she was either delusional or pulling her leg. And it might have stayed that way if it weren’t for the fact that they lived in an area where cartels were the closest thing to governing bodies.  When Maria was eighteen, the two of them were at a farmers market when a shootout erupted. Maria’s survival instinct took over, and she dove for cover. When the dust settled and the gunmen were gone, she worked up the courage to peek out from her hiding place, only to see her mother lying in a pool of blood.  She hurried to the older woman’s side, fighting back tears until the dam broke and she started crying. She continued for about a minute, until she felt someone tugging the front of her shirt. “Drink… it,” her mother said, weakly but firmly. “What?” “My blood. Drink it.” “Mama, I-“ that was as far as she got before her mother forced a blood-soaked hand into her mouth.  She reflexively swallowed. It felt incredible. Like she’d never been completely alive until this moment. She gorged herself on her mother’s blood until the pool was gone. Her senses were sharper. She knew everything her mother knew. And was she taller, too? Carrying her mother’s body home to process what had just happened, she realized she was stronger and faster than before.
Maria buried her mother in the backyard, and spent the next several days experimenting.  She didn’t sleep. It wasn’t insomnia, she just no longer felt the need. She soon learned that she could read minds now, and combining that ability with her new speed and strength she began roaming the town after dark killing criminals (especially cartel members) and drinking their blood.  With each night of this she became faster and stronger, her senses improved, her mental abilities strengthened and she became taller. She was shot a few times, and barely felt it. But this was only the beginning.  
One morning, three weeks after her mother’s death, Maria climbed a hill a couple miles out of town.  She was naked. Having grown from her initial nondescript 5’3 to just shy of seven feet tall with defined, athletic muscles and breasts bigger than her head before finally topping out, she didn’t have any clothes that fit anymore, and even if she did she wouldn’t expect them to last long given what she was about to do.  At the top of the hill was a mansion surrounded by twenty foot concrete walls topped with barbed wire, guard towers at every corner. Maria made an effortless hurdlers leap over the wall, and was hit by bullets from two snipers, one in each of the guard towers on the wall she just came over. Both bounced off her, at which point she effortlessly caught one in each hand and tossed them back at the snipers at over twice their original speed.  The headless bodies of both snipers fell limp, hanging over the watchtower rails.  
Maria broke down the front doors of the manor with one punch, and walked through the building in search of her target.  There were plenty of heavily armed guards, but they were powerless against her. Handguns, rifles, shotguns, machine guns and even grenades and the occasional rocket launcher didn’t even scratch her skin.  The guards, on the other hand, died in droves. From punches and kicks strong enough to break skulls and spines to throwing through multiple walls to just slamming into them at superhuman speed, she killed everyone in her path.  Before long, she reached the cartel leader’s office. When she opened the door she was greeted by three bodyguards even taller than her, massively muscular and covered in thick, bulletproof layers of rock. Maria grabbed two of them by the arm and slammed them together hard enough to crush most of their bones.  The third man lunged at her only to be tossed up through the ceiling. He never came down. Before the drug lord himself could react, Maria had crossed the room, vaulted over his desk and decapitated him with a karate chop. As she had with so many others, she drank his blood, absorbing everything he knew. Armed with that knowledge, she contacted his remaining subordinates with an ultimatum: “Your former leader is dead.  I’m in charge now. For those of you willing to stay in this organization, you have two choices: Follow me or die.”
Last edit: 21 Oct 2019 05:39 by Thefirstone.
The following user(s) said Thank You: slim36, ChaozCloud

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23 Oct 2019 03:20 #65367 by deathgeonous
Replied by deathgeonous on topic Aztec supervillainess
Decent start.

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04 Dec 2019 15:23 - 04 Dec 2019 16:25 #65785 by HikerAngel
Replied by HikerAngel on topic Aztec supervillainess
I know this is from just over a month ago, and you may be further along now, but I just read it. The title caught my attention because it was such a good idea. It's a great concept, and a good start, but you asked for feedback, so I had some suggestions for fleshing it out a bit more...

1. Rather than "telling" the relationship with her mother, create one scene to "show" that relationship at the beginning--maybe the time when Maria asks about her father. Do something to make the reader like the mother, even though she's being coy. When she dies, it will have much more punch that way. The reader will feel the impact on Maria so much more. It doesn't have to be a long scene, just a moment of meaning that makes Maria's mother interesting/relatable/likeable. Without detouring from your main idea for too long, try to get more impact on Maria from her mother's death by setting it up to have that impact in an earlier scene.

2. Take a little more time to elaborate on Maria's transformation. That is a really interesting part of the story--don't gloss over it. Show her going after one of the cartel members. How did she feel about killing? How did she feel about the effect it had on her? Each of those could easily be a really good scene in your story. It's easy to be in a rush to get to the "good part." I do that a lot, myself, but as I improve as a writer, I'm realizing that the journey is where a lot of the interesting scenes lie. They are also what help your reader really connect to your character. Your reader will grow much more invested with the character if you really take them for the full ride along with her. Her transformation from normal girl to criminal-killing supervillainess is great stuff! Take your time with it. Put yourself in your character's shoes. How would you feel? What would you do? What would you think? Then write it. Try to think of the story as an assembly of scenes, and create a scene to accomplish what you need it to at each step of Maria's journey.
Last edit: 04 Dec 2019 16:25 by HikerAngel.

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