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Wendy, Special Weapon Research
Fats
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- fats
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Tiger Team
(US military jargon) 1. Originally, a team whose purpose is to penetrate security, and thus test security measures. These people are paid professionals who do hacker-type tricks, e.g. leave cardboard signs saying "bomb" in critical defense installations, hand-lettered notes saying "Your codebooks have been stolen" (they usually haven't been) inside safes, etc. After a successful penetration, some high-ranking security type shows up the next morning for a "security review" and finds the sign, note, etc. and all hell breaks loose. Serious successes of tiger teams sometimes lead to early retirement for base commanders and security officers.
Basically, as soon as I started reading, this term popped into my head, so it might be handy to slip it into her thinking or Wallace's briefing. Of you could make a more subtle nod to it by having the simulated attacker be codenamed "Tigress". You might also mention there's a phrase that's supposed to stop the exercise. Safety first, after all.
The description of the outer wall of the base was a little limp, and even if there is a full wall, there'd also be a lot of chain link fencing, concertina wire, and warning signage everywhere. Maybe some searchlights, 'cause really, who doesn't want to shine a spot light on her fabulous form ? Same can be said dividing up regions inside the base. I'm sure she can find something to do with big flexible webs of metal, and hundred-foot long strands of wire "barbed, for her pleasure" .
With the remotely operated soldier robots being such important actors in this exchange, I think they need a catchy military name, which will also free up the word "robotic" to describe their actions, remains, etc. without having the weird echo of 'robotic robots'. And with an offhanded thought or comment about their price-per-unit, she can have a little thrill thinking about the vast cost of this game even if there' no loss of life.
At first I was a little put off that she's starting naked, but given the level of roughhousing, she'd have gotten there soon enough. Still, rather than any sort of tight cloths, let the idea of her starting out in a long black pancho (with or without hood) roll around in your head. I'd also like to know a little more about her hair. It's length could have some implications either way. Short and she sounds more military. Longer and it adds a tool that can keep up with her like the girder club (which I loved BTW). And if its long enough, garroting a robot with it... .
Also, consider giving us some smells (or even tastes). There's gunfire, burning, explosions, motor oil, other fluids. Nothing like a stink to put you in a place.
Regardless, a fantastic offering for a first or fifteenth contribution. Welcome aboard, and may there be many more .
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- AuGoose
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No one.
Great break in the action. That contrast helps the rest really pop.
Give a little bite of the peanut brittle to your muse . Maybe she'll stay for more.
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- AuGoose
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She can't sit still for a MINUTE.
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- LustMonster
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Go read them if you haven't yet.
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- Woodclaw
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That said the ending in chapter 3 i think was very clever and i liked how you built on what was going on with the introduction of the commander.
Even in chapter 4 it does feel very vauge, but i like how your building on it- At times it does feel a bit coming out of your ass-which kinda works for perhaps the best part-this a very enthisastic story and if as Goose Said it is light on details-wendy doesn't care except how big it looks and how strong she has to be to bend it(which spoiler alert she can_-all she has is her imense set of joy at doing this and being this powerful super being. and that comes across crystal.
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- castor
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And yes, I suppose it is mostly coming out of my ass, LOL.
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- LustMonster
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- totally self-contained narratives that don't need or don't care for the rest of the world;
- world(s) spanning epics that try to cram as many details as possible as soon as possible (i.e. info dumps)
- stories that start small, but grew over time
The one thing that makes this stories stand up is the action, it's vivid, brutal and non-stopping, perhaps a tad forumlaic, but it's never dull and keep the reader in his seat till the end.
As detailed as the action is, though, there is one detail that puts me off a bit: how scarse the details about the characters are. Of the two main character we know only they're heavily musculed, with big breasts and quite tall. I'd love to see something more to breath life into these ladies, even a simple description of their hairstyle and color would give another layer of definition to the entire story and help visualie the scenes more clearly.
I hope to see more from you LustMonster
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- Woodclaw
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I must admit I hadn't really settled on those at the beginning, but since I am now communicating with several artists to have illustrations drawn for the stories, I finally had to bite the bullet and start figuring that out.
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- LustMonster
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- Woodclaw
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Anyway, the illustrations inside my stories have been created by Plinius .
The image for my story series in the Series Library was created (in a livestream presentation!) by Joe Trimarchi .
Thanks guys!
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- LustMonster
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- AuGoose
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That said, I personally think some of the action and (graphic) descriptions are a little over the top here and there and they tend to get repetitive as the story progresses. Maybe you've escalated the feats (of strength) a litte too early and too excessive, which might have prompted the (slightly premature, imho) introduction of the Russian superwoman.
But I'm just nit-picking at a high level, please keep up the great work (and keep the parts coming)!
PS: Love your avatar, exactly my type of female, too. Nothing better than athletic, short-haired brunettes
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- rebel4life
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I guess I tend to approach my writing the same way Roland Emmerich or John McTiernan does moviemaking, with the good and bad that implies. ACTION ACTION ACTION! My writing toolbelt, if made physical, would probably manifest as a row of sledgehammers in slightly different sizes. The "over the top" aspect is definitely there as you mentioned, and I'll almost certainly continue to do that to some extent, because it's rather deeply wired into my writing DNA. Honestly, it's the sort of thing I love to read.
Feats of strength will always be front and center for my heroines, simply because it's my favorite superpower (with invulnerability a close second). Others may or may not follow... impossible to see, the future is!
I'll at least try to reign in the repetitiveness, when I am able to recognize it, though there are some things that will definitely repeat, because they are part of what makes Wendy and the Commander who they are.
I'm happy that you're enjoying the dialog I write, as I feared it would be the weakest part of my stories. IRL I'm the kind of person who just sits quietly in the corner of the room at a party, nervously avoiding casual conversation.
I did have some reservations about introducing the "Tsarina" this soon, but I wanted to set something external in motion that gives more hints about the current state of the wider world, as well as why certain things are happening (or soon will be happening) at the Research Base. The next part (which I actually just finished, sans serious editing) will clarify this stuff better, I think. Suffice it to say that the Tsarina really isn't entering the story in a big way just yet.
Oh, and my avatar is Wendy, in case you hadn't noticed that already.
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- LustMonster
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Don't get me wrong, superstrength is my favorite trait in superwomen, too, and I love to read those passages of your stories. I just think that if you take it too far too early, you'll rather sooner than later will get stuck with the dilemma of having to introduce either a) some sort of "kryptonite" and/or b) some She-Ra like levels of strength (like pulling a planet together) and/or c) some superior supervillain, which basically brings you back to a) in order to keep it going. That actually might be inherent to those stories and I'm not even sure whether I'm raising a valid point here, but to me, that's the part that I hated most about CBS's Supergirl season 1: she never really seemed to be "super". On the other hand, this is the element I love most in your stories, those two gals are "super", but this might eventually turn boring if ... and we're back to the dilemma.
The good thing about your wallflower RL existence: You're obviously an outstanding observer! But don't worry, you'll do alright eventually (if you haven't already). After all, you're a natural storyteller.
Thanks for clarifying that with the Tsarina. Actually, another aspect that I'm really enjoying about stories is the general setup, and how we gradually learn about the world they're set in.
And yeah, I know it's Wendy, but I still like the detail. Breast size is another thing you took a little bit over the top, imho ...
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- rebel4life
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Breast size is another thing you took a little bit over the top, imho ...
Sorry, but on that point, I will not budge a millimeter.
BIG MUSCLES, BIG BOOBS! RAAAAWWWWRRR!!!!
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- LustMonster
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- rebel4life
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LustMonster wrote: Hi! Thank you for your comments (and critique) of my stories so far. I must admit I've been somewhat starving for more feedback.
I guess I tend to approach my writing the same way Roland Emmerich or John McTiernan does moviemaking, with the good and bad that implies. ACTION ACTION ACTION! My writing toolbelt, if made physical, would probably manifest as a row of sledgehammers in slightly different sizes. The "over the top" aspect is definitely there as you mentioned, and I'll almost certainly continue to do that to some extent, because it's rather deeply wired into my writing DNA. Honestly, it's the sort of thing I love to read.
I don't want to sound unfair but in my, limited, experience as awriter this is something that can work in a very episodic framework, but kills any kind of prolonged narrative. Constantly pumping the action often creates the opposite effect and the reader instead of being more engaged becomes less interested. Often the best technique is to have peaks of superconcentrated action followed by deep valleys of quiet with the tension subtly rising throughout the story.
The guys of Extra Credits explained this very clearly.
I did have some reservations about introducing the "Tsarina" this soon, but I wanted to set something external in motion that gives more hints about the current state of the wider world, as well as why certain things are happening (or soon will be happening) at the Research Base. The next part (which I actually just finished, sans serious editing) will clarify this stuff better, I think. Suffice it to say that the Tsarina really isn't entering the story in a big way just yet.
I think that this introduction is actually one of the highlights of the series so far: it set a new bit of a world that is getting explored one tile at a time and opens many possibilities for future stories, possibly with a different tone and style.
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- Woodclaw
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The fractal nature of the Arc/Scene/Action graphs is especially interesting. That must be pretty difficult to consistently apply to a whole story series though.
I'll definitely try to keep it in mind, going forward.
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- LustMonster
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((put out the Darkwing!))
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- AuGoose
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I am working with him on more new illustrations for my stories that don't yet have any.
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- LustMonster
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So I've decided to hit the RESET button. Right now I am going back and rewriting my first story, "Playing the Villain". I guess you could call the new version the "Director's Cut".
I'll be posting the new versions of its three parts later this week. Then I plan to make some edits/additions to the subsequent stories in the series, to add in that new thread about the main characters (and maybe a few other additions as well).
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- LustMonster
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"Prison Break" and "Perimeter Patrol" have been updated, with some rewriting and several new illustrations.
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