By Caveman Ninja Joe
Our intrepid heroine embarks on her first big mission, with the fate of the world itself at stake! Will Omni-Woman herself prove equal to the challenge? Find out inside...
Allison Arndale. By day... she is an aspiring journalist. But by slightly later in the day, she's known as... OMNI-WOMAN! Scourge of evil, protector of the helpless, and damn fine in a mini-skirt! The guardian of the city of Manhattanotropolis!
“I can't believe this, did you forget about me already?” Hmph. I wish. As our story begins, Omni-Woman... and yes, her sidekick, The Courageous Crusader, a.k.a. Jim Jenkins, who stands behind her... “Beside her!” ... behind her... “Whatever.” ...as they march confidently through the front doors of the Manhattanotropolis Savings and Loan. Across the lobby, twenty men have the staff and customers at gunpoint.
“I'm sorry gentlemen, but the bank's closed, you'll have to come back later!” Omni-Woman announces boldly, before... turning to Jim? “How was that?”, “Good, but you need to... smirk a bit, let them know you're not scared of them.”, “Got it, thanks babe.” Oh, right then.
“Who the hell d'you think you are lady? If I wanna make a little withdrawal, that's what I'm going to do, and this nice man here...” ,the robber waves his gun threateningly at the bank manager, “...is gonna help me!”
Jim leans in to Allison and whispers in her ear, “Try to disarm him from here, if you get to close, he might shoot.” , Omni-Woman nods, and tells the robbers bravely, “I will not allow you to harm these people!”
“Yeah, well what are you gonna do 'bout it?” the robber taunts her. Omni-Woman smirks... “That's the way!” ...and squints at the man's hands. Her deep blue eyes fade to a glowing red. Suddenly, two bright red, super-heated beams erupt from her pupils, striking the man's deadly weapon.
The robber looks on in shock as the gun heats up. The metal glows white hot, the barrel starts to melt. The robber's gloves are burnt through by the molten metal, he screams as it sears his flesh. “ARRRGGGHHH!” See? Ahem, seeing this, most of the other robbers point their guns at the other hostages. Two of them sprint down to the vaults. Allison takes off after them.
“Hey! Wait Alli... Omni-Woman! We need to deal with this lot first!” Sorry pal, looks like you're on your own. “Oh crap, this isn't going to be easy... .” Err... Any-who, Allison sprints off after the other robbers, following them through the corridors beneath beneath the bank. The robbers run on ahead, until they reach the still sealed bank vault, surprising an old security guard standing nearby. The huge, heavy, solid steel door blocks their path. They turn around, hoping to escape another way, when Allison appears, hands on voluptuous hips.
“Alright, that's far enough, you're coming with me, right now!” , Allison declares heroically. Just then, one of the robbers spots the old guard, and points his gun at him. “I don't think so!” , he says, as his companion directs his own weapon at their new hostage. “I think... that you're going to open that door for us, let us get the cash, and walk out of here.”
“And if I refuse?”
“The old geezer gets it.”, the robber says with a leer, “Think you can stop both of us from shooting him?”. Allison looks uncertain. She's thinks she probably can, after all Jim's done it once or twice before...
[Editor's note] – see Crusader of Courage #16 : The Slow-Motion Bandits
...but is it too risky to attempt it here? “Alright, you win, I'll open the vault.” Allison says dejectedly. The robbers grin stupidly at each other. Allison strides up to the huge door. She grabs hold of the handle, and yanks on the door as hard as she can.
The large metal handle, though welded on to the door, comes away easily in Allison's hands. “Oops, maybe we should try that again?”, Allison works her hands in between the door and the wall, right next to the elaborate locking mechanism. She wriggles her fingers underneath the door, grinding the metal all the way. Finally, her wandering fingers locate the locking mechanism. She snaps the metal rods holding the door in place easily, then swings the door open.
Inside the vault is a massive pile of cash, gold, priceless artworks, bearer bonds... you name it. The robber's mouths drop open, and they start drooling over the huge haul before them. “There, done.” Allison tells the robbers. “Now are you going to take any of that stuff or not?” The men lower their weapons, and walk into the vault.
Suddenly, just as the second man crosses over the threshold, the vault door slams shut behind them! “HEY!” one of the foolish robbers yells, but no-one hears him behind the thick door. His companion charges at the door, and and desperately pounds at it, screaming, “OI! LET US OUT OF HERE!”. Outside the vault, our heroine, having brilliantly trapped the foolish thieves, grins and presses her slender, super-powerful fingers into the metal of the door and surrounding frame.. She squeezes the metal tightly, compressing it into an impromptu lock!
“Wow, I can't believe they fell for that!” the beautiful Allison laughs. She stops abruptly when she remembers, “Oh no! The other hostages! I've got to hurry!” Omni-Woman rushes back through the hallways, and emerges in the lobby.
“Ji... Crusader?” she calls out. “Over here Omni-Woman!” Jim yells back from across the room. He's got one of the robbers disarmed and pinned against the wall. The lobby is in disrepair, the marble columns are riddled with bullet holes, one of the robbers lies unconscious, having apparently been shoved through a wall, another robber is dangling upside-down from the chandelier, two more have been tied around another column, and the others all lay unconscious on the floor, covered in debris. Damn... what did we miss?
“Well, I saved the hostages, took care of the bad guys, and saved the day up here despite being heavily outnumbered. It was quite the fight.” I'm sure it was. “Then why didn't you show it?” Because Allison's the star now, remember?
[Editors note] – Too right, narrator. Now wrap this up, its beginning to drag.
“Hey, what was that little yellow box?”
[Editors note] – What? How does he know about these?
“Meta-senses, remember.”
[Editors note] – ... Oh.
Oh. Jim, allow me to introduce our editor. “Is he the one responsible for the 'change of direction'?” Yeah, why? “Well editor, let me tell you something... I think you're...“.
[Editor's note] - Maybe Jim needs a change of scenery to calm him down?
Maybe... . “Hey wait don't... !”
----| |----
“...God damn it!”
A short time later, Allison and Jim are back at their mansion... “You mean my mansion?” ...no Jim, we gave Allison half a share of the property between issues. “Oh, come on!” As I was saying, the two of them are in the gym, enjoying some downtime. Well, at least Allison's enjoying it, Jim seems to have his knickers in a twist. Any-who, Jim rests on the leg press machine, totally exhausted... “I am not exhausted! I'm not even tired!” ...of course you are.... watching Allison lifting an I-beam with two large cars impaled on either end.
“Oh Jim?” , Allison says, her triceps flexing as she presses the bar upward, “ “Did I tell you I managed to get that job at the Manhattanotropolis Post?”, “Oh really?” , Jim says, totally unaware that she was even trying to get the job.
“Yeah, I went into the office yesterday. All the people there seem really nice, I think I'm going to like it there.” , Allison says enthusiastically, leaning forward as she lowers the bar behind her head. “Oh, well, that's great sweetie!” , Jim says encouragingly, while racking his brain, trying to remember when she told him about this. “Yeah, I guess.”, Allison says, grunting as she pushes the weight back up. “You guess? Nice office, nice people, job you really wanted... So what's the problem?”.
“Oh, its not the job that's the problem, really. Its just...” , Allison sighs, pushing out her perfectly pouting red lips, “I kind of feel like I'd rather be doing a nice, quiet job like that than running off trying to save the world all the time. You know what I mean?”
“Kind of...” , Jim tells her cautiously. “I mean... Its just so much pressure, all those people depending on you, and if anything goes wrong...”, Allison shudders. “I'd rather not deal with that.”. Uh oh. This could be a problem. Jim... do something!
“Uh... don't worry about it Allison. It may seem tough now, but it gets easier. Trust me.”, Jim says reassuringly. “You're sure?”, “Positive.” , Jim affirms. Allison pauses to think it over, the bar still suspended above her head. “Well, if you say so, I guess I'll keep at it.”. Whew. Almost thought we'd lost our star there.
“That's the spirit.” , Jim tells her, smiling. Allison lowers the bar back to the ground, and asks him, “So, have anything you planned to do today?” . She absent-mindedly brushes the bar over her ample chest on the way down, bending the...
“Oi! Narrator, I thought we agreed last time that this sort of crap had to stop!”
“Hey, who's this guy?”, our new writer. He just got assigned to the book last week. “Hmm. I like him already.” *Grumble grumble*. Fine. Any-who, Allison finishes her reps, gently places the gigantic dumbbell back on the floor, and grabs a towel. She wipes the sweat from her brow, and gently wipes down her tight body, rubbing the towel over her slender arms, up and down her long legs, down the gap between her large brea... .
“Jim, what are you grinning about? What's so funny?”, “Nothing. Nothing at all. So anyway, I don't know about you sweetheart, but I don't have any other plans today. Maybe you and I could...”
“Yes?” Allison asks seductively. Just then, the red phone in the corner, the one emblazoned with a large O, starts to ring. “Maybe you and I could answer the hotline.”
“Sounds good to me.” Allison grins, leaving Jim disappointed. “Hello, Mr. Mayor?”
“Oh, Omni-Woman, thank God. We have a big problem.”
“What is it?”
“There is an enormous Asteroid heading straight for Earth! We need you to get rid of it!”
“I suppose...”
“Please, we need your help Omni-Woman!”
“Alright, I'll see what I can do.”
“Thank you Omni-Woman. Should you succeed, this city will be in your debt. Good luck.” The mayor hangs up, and Allison puts the phone down. “Did you hear all that?” she asks Jim. “Yep. Hey, how come we didn't hear about this giant asteroid sooner?”, “Grab your costume Jim, we need to get going.”
Allison and Jim rush downstairs, Allison stops in front of a large set of steel doors. She swings them open, revealing a glass case with a blue spandex one-piece, like a swimsuit, emblazoned with a large 'O' on the chest. She pulls it out, and steps in to it, slowly pulling up the zipper in the back. The tight outfit stretches around her generously curved figure, distorting the bright yellow 'O' around her large breasts. Next, she grabs the long, yellow gloves and high heeled yellow boots, and pulls them on. Finally, she pulls out a long red cape, and fastens it around her neck. She steps out of the mansion, cape fluttering in the breeze, sets her hands on her hips and proclaims, “Time to rock that asteroid's world!”.
“Hey, I got changed too! Don't I get a suiting up sequence” Fine, Jim puts his costume on too. “Humph. Thanks.”
“Ready?” Allison asks. “Ready.” Jim says nervously. “Hey, I'm not nervous!” Sure you are. Allison runs gracefully out of the mansion, and leaps towards the giant rock in the sky, Jim following close behind.
----| |----
Meanwhile, at Manhattanotropolis Baptist Church, Reverend John James speaks to his congregation. “I know that many of you here today are frightened. That you are unsure of what the coming days will bring. To all of you, all I can say is this. We need not fear that giant rock in the sky! For you see... we have our faith. That alone... can help us overcome whatever obstacles this world may hurl our way!” , he pauses, letting his words sink in. “Let us prey.”
In a small, suburban house outside the city, an elderly couple sit on the front porch, rocking back and forth in their chairs. In the sky, they can see a massive fire, burning across the sky. Their hands each find the others, and hold them tight, awaiting the inevitable.
At a playground not far away...
[Editor's note] – Wait, guys, what the heck is all this?
[Editor's note] – What! We've got an action scene going on and you're focusing on this! Get back to Omni-Woman, that's what the people want to see!
[Editor's note] - Now!
Alright! Jeez. Meanwhile, high in the Earth's atmosphere, Omni-Woman spies the asteroid in the distance.
“Wow, that's a huge hunk of rock... .” , Alison comments. “There's no way we can reverse its course before it hits the Earth!” Jim tells her, “Its just too damn big!”
“We have to try!” Allison implores. Jim nods, and they fly straight at the asteroid, looking like two fleas flying towards a basketball. Their palms make contact with the asteroid's rough surface, and Allison mouths, “Push!”. The pair shove the chunk of space rock with all their might. It doesn't budge. They push harder, it barely budges, and their faces are beginning to show the strain. Finally, after ten minutes of pushing without result, Jim draws Allison's attention, and they head back toward Earth to come up with a new plan.
“Allison, it just occurred to me, we're going about this the wrong way. We shouldn't be trying to shove this thing back the way it came. All we need is for one of us to come around from the side, at full speed, and crash into it. If I remember right, that should redirect it away from Earth.”
“Sounds like a good plan, think you can handle this?”
“I'm pretty sure I...” Ahem. “What now!” . Omni-Woman, star of the show, remember? “Fine. Actually, I think maybe you should do it Allison... after all, you're still new to this, we need to give you some experience.”
“You sure? This seems kind of high risk for a training exercise.”
“Don't worry, you'll do fine. Besides, I'll be here if you need me.”
“Well, if you insist...” We do.
“We do... I mean, I do!” , Allison throws Jim a funny look, “Well, okay, I'll be back soon!”, and with that she flies off into space.
“Narrator, if she gets hurt...” Don't worry, I'll take good care of her. Very, very good care. Oh yes... very good care indeed... .
----| |----
[Editor's note] – Okay Narrator, this is our money shot, make it count!
Omni-Woman glides through space, her cape flapping about as though caught in a high wind...
[Editor's note] – Shh!
... um, any-who, Omni-Woman flies along, before coming to an abrupt halt when she's under the asteroid.
[Editor's note] – Shh!
Will you two put a sock in it! I'm working here! As I was saying, Omni-Woman stops underneath the asteroid, then flies at it as fast as she can. She gathers more and more speed as she approaches, her sleek arms outstretched, pushing for every bit of speed for slender, super-powered body can muster.
Then, at the last second, she twists her body around, and shoulder slams the unfathomably large chunk of space rock. A fissure opens up in the rock where Omni-Woman struck it. The entire asteroid seems to shudder in fear of Omni-Woman's power as it careens off course.
The crack grows wider and wider. Several large chunks dislodge from the main mass, and continue on their path towards Earth! Acting fast, Omni-Woman darts over to the deadly chunks. Some she grabs and throws away, some she pulverizes into space dust with her super-strong, super-fast fists,, but all of them quickly fall before Omni-Woman's might!
As she watches the asteroid that only moments ago had threatened the very survival of the human race sail off into deep space, a grin comes to Omni-Woman's soft, red lips. She thrusts out her generous, well rounded chest...
...and plants her hands on her voluptuous hips, as if to declare... look at me! I did it! I saved the world!
[Editor's note] – Shh! Carry on narrator, you're doing fine.
And so we end our tale, ladies and gentlemen, as Omni-Woman, her great task complete, returns to the blue orb she calls home.
[Editors note] – Wait, that's it?
Well, yeah. The asteroid's gone, the story's over. What, you think it was too easy or something?
[Editor's note] – Yes. Far too easy, frankly. Is there something more we can do?
[Editor's note] – Alright! How about... inside the asteroid, there's some kind of powerful alien?
[Editor's note] – Mr. Narrator, make it so!
As Omni-Woman flies away from the asteroid's remains, she fails to notice something moving in the newly made crevice. A small, humanoid shape slowly emerges from the darkened depths.
[Editor's note] – Ah, don't worry about that! Hey, Narrator, this shape wouldn't happen to have a feminine figure would it?
The dark shape pushes out into the light, revealing a full head of long, pure white hair, a smooth skinned, soft featured face, a slim figure, and a large set of breasts, all covered by a shiny black cat-suit. The alien woman...
[Editor's note] – Hooray!
... pushes out of the rock, into the cold void of space. Her pale blue eyes open, and take in the mass of rubble that used to be the asteroid. A chunk of rock, roughly the size of a car, catches her attention.
The alien woman narrows her pale blue eyes. Suddenly, the rock explodes, leaving behind nothing but a cloud of fine dust. The woman smirks as she revels in her newfound liberation from her rock prison. Looking around, she sees a very familiar blue orb in the distance. She takes off towards the planet, casually smashing through one chunk of debris after another.
Meanwhile, our heroes, having saved the day once more, return home, unaware of the mystery woman. Who is she? What does she want? Can our heroes stop her? Will our writing staff ever straighten themselves out? Find out next time... “Wait, what woman? Hey! What are you doing? You can't just end it here! I want to know who that woman was! HEY!”
To be continued in Crusader of Courage #74!
“Ah, crap!”
Thoughts? Comments? Suggestions? Alien women who like to wear tight vinyl? Send them all (Except the alien women, those vinyl suits start to stink something awful after a few days.) to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or find CavemanNinjaJoe on the SWM forums.