Written by ace191 :: [Sunday, 08 July 2012 20:57] Last updated by :: [Monday, 16 June 2014 15:07]
Lois knew she shouldn’t be where she was at this time of night, but what could she do? Ever since that hick from Kansas had shown up, she had been having difficulty getting the kind of scoops that she had always gotten. How the hell was Smallville coming up with all of them anyway? Lois turned this over and over in her mind, but she kept coming back to the same conclusions. She was the one with all the contacts and experience, so how was he beating her to the punch every time? He had to be getting help, but not just any help, most likely, Super Help. This was the only explanation that fit and the only one that she could swallow.
11 pm and nothing. Another night wasted she thought as she stepped out from behind the dumpster dressed in an all black track suit with black tennis shoes and a small “big ear” listening device. Well really, what kind of big tip did she expect for twenty bucks? She was about to get out of this rotten part of Metropolis when she saw a car in the distance driving up slowly with its lights off. She again took up her position behind the dumpster to see if Andrew Jackson had come through again.
The generic looking car with cheap hubcaps and a drivers’ side spotlight just shouted cop. It came to a stop on the side of the street opposite to where Lois was hiding. Lois wondered who was in the car, but as soon as the door opened and the overweight male figure stepped out, there was not a doubt in her mind. Captain O’Malley, the Teflon officer of Metropolis who without a doubt was the dirtiest cop on the force. How he managed to stay on the job was a mystery to her.
O’Malley stepped up onto the curb and nervously looked around. A few seconds later, a lowered 63 Chevy Impala painted purple with black lights underneath rolled up and a young Latino male got out and joined the Captain.
Lois shivered and felt her heart racing, partially from the cold and partially from fear, but she was not going to let any of that stop her from getting whatever story was about to unfold. Within a minute, a Black Cadillac
Escalade rolled up and two men jumped out. She wasn’t sure, but one of the men looked like Tony Rici. What was one of boss Dementi’s top lieutenants doing meeting a crooked cop and a Latino man at this hour of the night? Could the other man be from the rival Mendoza gang? Lois’ reporter’s intuition was racing wildly that a big story was about to come her way.
The four men walked up to a ten story building and Captain O’Malley pulled a key from around his neck and opened the emergency fire lockbox. He took out the key and opened the door. No alarm sounded and he put the key back in the box and closed it. Such a waste of public trust Lois thought to herself. She watched them get into the lobby elevator and then she raced across the street. She pulled out her own fire key and opened the door. A reporter’s best friend she thought to herself as she put her master key back into her pocket. She got to the elevator just in time to see it stopping at the roof level. Great she thought, but at least she had her track suit on.
Lois got to the stairwell and started up moving as quickly and quietly as she could. Her heart was pounding as she got to the last flight as she slowed down trying to get better control of her respiration. She looked through the small square window of the door and she could just make out 3 men standing on the other side of the roof behind the air conditioning compressors. She crouched down, took a big breath and held it while she slowly opened the door a crack. It made very little noise and she was confident that she had not been heard. She slipped her “big ear” through the cracked door and began to listen to their conversation.
“So you are sure Mendoza will be there?”
“Yes, it is his niece’s quince anos party and he would not miss it for the world.”
“If we could get a couple of our guys into the caterer’s it would provide us with the perfect opportunity.”
Just then, Lois’ heart came to a standstill as she heard the unmistakable sound of a pistol cocking and felt the barrel pressing up against her head.
“Well what have we here? Hey Tony, come over and take a look at this!”
Shit, I am dead thought Lois. Damn that Clark Kent! If he hadn’t been scooping her on such a regular basis she would never have undertaken such a foolish endeavor as this was turning out to be!
“Well, well, if it isn’t that pest Lois Lane from the Planet.” said Tony Rici.
“Captain, I think this is your area of expertise.”
O’Malley came over and produced a roll of grey duct tape. In less than a minute, Lois found her hands bound behind her with several loops of tape over her mouth.
“Do you like Basketball Ms. Lane?” Captain O’Malley asked. “I do. And I especially like three point shots. I bet Mr. Rici here that me and the boys can toss you off the roof and into the dumpster on the other side of the street. For me, will you do your best to land inside it? On three boys, 1,2,3!”
Suddenly Lois found herself rushing down towards the dumpster. Her last thought before impact was this is all your fault Clark Kent! She briefly blacked out as she suddenly found herself going upwards. As she regained her bearings, she realized she was in Superman’s arms.
Here it comes again, speech number 47 Lois thought to herself. Maybe it would have been better if she had just hit the dumpster.
“Now Ms. Lane, what in the world are you doing getting thrown off a roof in this part of town at this time of night? Don’t you know I have more important things to do than be a Super nursemaid to you?
Your reckless behavior is becoming intolerable!”
Lois had heard this speech one time too many.
“Well, if you didn’t spend all your time helping Clark Kent scoop me, I wouldn’t have to take these kinds of chances.” she snapped back.
“Now Lois, we both know that Clark is an excellent reporter who does not need mine or anyone else’s help to do his job.”
Clap, clap, clap.
Lois looked up to see who was clapping just as the funny little man in the brown outfit with a purple hat spoke.
“So Clark doesn’t need any help to get his stories Supes ? I guess that’s true since you and he are one in the same.”
Lois could not believe her ears but it all made sense now.
“Let’s just test out your theory Supes.”
The little man gestured and suddenly, Clark without his glasses was standing where Superman had been.
“I believe you have a rooftop date with big Tony.” and suddenly Clark vanished.
“What happened to Clark?” asked Lois.
“Oh don’t fret Miss Lane, he will be along shortly.”
Suddenly, Lois looked up to see Clark thrown off the roof towards the dumpster just as she had been.
“This looks like a job for Superwoman!” shouted Mr. M.
Lois looked down and saw a large red S on the blue leotard that was now covering her chest. Instinctively, she leapt into the sky and caught Clark just before he hit the side of the dumpster.
Carefully, she flew him back to the exact spot where he had set her down just moments before.
Lois had a gleeful smile on her face. Now Clarkie boy, it is time for a little payback!
“Mr. Kent, what in the world are you doing getting thrown off a roof in this part of town at this time of night? Don’t you know that I have more important things to do than be a Super nursemaid to you? Your reckless behavior is becoming intolerable!”
“Now Lois I have saved your life on numerous occasions. You have no right to speak to me this way! Mr. Mxyzptlk is just doing this because he loves to come over from the 5th dimension to make my life miserable. The only way to get things back to normal is to trick him into saying his name backwards.”
“Excuse me for a moment Mr. Kent.” said Lois as she streaked up to the roof. In a flash she returned with four men in tow. Swiftly, she stood each man up by a no parking sign and effortlessly used her super strength to twist the poles around each one immobilizing them.
“That should hold them until you can notify the police Mr. Kent.”
Just then, Lois heard a faint female voice saying “Please don’t kill me, I have a family with two small children.” She turned her head and focused her super vision a mile away where she could see two men holding up a convenience store. “Duty Calls.” she said as she streaked away.
“Lois wait!” cried Clark but it was too late, she was already gone.
“Looks like the shoe is on the other foot now Supes or should I say Clarkie Boy.” gloated Mr. M. “And I think you will find it takes a little longer to walk home than it does to fly.” he giggled and in a flash he was gone.
“Shit, what a night this is turning out to be.” Clark whispered to himself as he dialed 911 and waited for the real cops to arrive.
Lois was flying to the store when she saw one of the two men fire a shot at the clerk from five feet away. She could see the bullet going right for the woman’s head. She put on an incredible burst of speed to try to make it there in time and flashed through the open door, stretched out her hand and just caught the bullet an inch from the clerk’s head. Her tremendous momentum carried Lois right through a rack full of food and a concrete wall on the opposite side of the store. It sounded inside as if a bomb had gone off.
The holdup man who had fired the shot was puzzled. “How the hell did all that happen from just one shot and why are you still alive?” he yelled.
“No matter,” he said. “I have plenty of bullets left.” and with that he leveled his gun and started to empty it at the clerk. He had squeezed off two shots before he realized that a familiar blue and red clad female was standing in front of him.
His shots hit Lois in the chest and bounced harmlessly off. Lois took the gun from the man’s hand and crushed it into a small ball. “Didn’t your mother ever teach you that it is not nice to point guns at people?” she lectured as she causally picked him up and threw him out of the store onto the parking lot.
Thug two had heard the explosion along with the shots and saw his partner on the ground not moving. He got out of their truck with his 12 gauge shotgun and started to run over to his fallen buddy. Just then, Superwoman walked out of the store and was coming right towards him.
“Take this Superbitch!” yelled the gunman as he opened up on her quickly pumping off five rounds. Lois stopped as the pellets came flying at her. They did nothing more that gently furrow her cape as if she was standing in a light breeze. Her assailant dropped his shotgun and made a beeline for the open door of his truck. He had not gone three steps before he crashed into an immovable blue and red wall. Dazed, he fell to the ground holding his head.
Lois picked each man up by the back of their pants and held them over her head. “Do you guys like basketball?” she asked. “I do, especially three point shots.”
With that, she flung the first thug up in the air and into an open dumpster 25 feet away. “She shoots, she scores.” exclaimed Lois as she readied for her second shot. “I think I’ll try a hook this time.” as thug two took to the air. “Swish.” said Lois as she flew over to the dumpster and closed the two metal tops using her heat vision to weld them shut. “That should hold you two until the police arrive.”
She flew back over to the clerk who was standing by the front door taking all of this in.
“Are you alright?”
“Yes, thanks to you Superwoman.”
“Believe me, the pleasure was all mine.”
The clerk watched as Superwoman gracefully lifted off towards the night sky. How wonderful if must be to have powers like hers the clerk thought to herself.
Lois had really not had much time to take in all of the changes that she had just gone through. 300 feet in the air she paused in front of a mirrored building to take a look at herself. Beautiful skintight red boots with 3 inch spike heels adored her shapely legs stopping just short of her knees. Her silky smooth suntan colored super pantyhose clung tightly to every voluptuous curve. A small French cut red miniskirt with a yellow belt and gold buckle with the famous “S” logo just covered her amazing posterior. A skin tight blue leotard hugged her tiny waist and expanded to cover her now enhanced chest. Lois had never been much more that a “B” cup but now she had two perfect “D’s” both of which warped the familiar red and yellow “S” shield on her chest. She ran her fingers up from her skirt, over her rock hard abs to her tiny waist and then cupped her breasts. Even holding them, she could not believe they were really hers. The blue leotard extended down to her wrists while her red cape tucked neatly into her high cut leotard, stopping just even with her red miniskirt. Her once short black hair now flowed in waves down to the middle of her back. Super Powers and Super Looks! This was just too good to be true!
Lois flew up to the top of the building and stood on the roof ledge. The light breeze was blowing her hair and cape back as her super eyes and ears scanned the city below her. She felt so full of power that she almost could not contain herself. She arched her back and with her arms outstretched 90 degrees from her side and her toes pointed downward she slowly lifted off pirouetting in the sky. She gradually accelerated until she was 150 thousand feet high. Even from space with just a quick blink of her eyes she could see any point in Metropolis (or on Earth for that matter) as if she was standing right next to it. She gazed up and a white disk caught her eye. Why not she thought and 30 seconds later she was hovering just above the moon.
A quick scan with her super-vision located her target and a second later she was standing on what was left of the Apollo 11 Lunar Excursion Module.
She lightly stepped off and giggled to herself as she thought, “that’s one small step for a Superwoman, one giant leap for Womankind.” She causally strolled over to the metallic American flag and gently using the air in her lungs she had carried from Earth blew her super breath at it making it wave for the first time. She looked back at the tiny imprints her high heeled boots had made in the sand and contrasted them against the oversized boot prints that the Astronauts had left. Someone someday is going to be mighty puzzled by those she thought.
Time for some fun, as she flew up above the moon’s surface. Remembering the old Hertz rent-a-car ads, she flew down in a sitting position towards the old Apollo 17 landing site. Let Superwoman put YOU in the driver seat she said to herself as she sat right down behind the wheel of the Apollo 17 Lunar Rover. Ready now for some way, way off-roading, she tried to turn it on, but the batteries were dead. No problem for a Superwoman as she used a little of her flying power to push with her feet against the frame and she was off, zigzagging her way around boulders as dust thrown up by the wheels went flying.
Starting to get a little bored, she headed for a small crater at 40 miles per hour. The lip lifted the rover up and then it went down into the crater bouncing twice. Lois had always enjoyed the antics of the General Lee on the Dukes of Hazzard and thought that this was the perfect opportunity to try her hand at a little car jumping. Her favorite move was when the General did a jump with a perfect 360 degree roll. She raced up the side of the crater and just before the top she turned sharply to start the roll. The rover cleared the crater and did a perfect 360 before it came crashing down.
The force of the impact broke all four axels and collapsed the frame.
Lois was ejected and landed on her butt. She stood up and brushed the sand off her skirt and looked back at the demolished rover. They just don’t make’m like they used to she thought to herself. Oh well, time to get back to work anyway.
She glanced up at Metropolis to see how Clark was making out. Half way home, not bad. In another twenty minutes he should be there. She reached into the secret pouch in her cape and pulled out two objects. I wonder what Clark is going to do when he gets there and figures out that he doesn’t have his wallet or his keys as she looked down at the two items she had removed from him earlier that night at superspeed.
Lois streaked back to Earth and in less than a minute she was inside the Planet in an empty office. At a blistering clip, she typed up Superwoman’s exploits for the evening and clicked the submit button 5 minutes before the deadline for the morning edition. Now that her “work” was done, it was time to head out for more fun. What a great night this was turning out to be as she again took to the skies.
Clark rounded the last corner to his apartment. With his goal in sight, he reached into his pants for his keys. They weren’t there! Where were they?
He tried to remember, but for the first time in his life he could not recall what he had done with them. Had he put them in his pants and lost them, or were they locked in his desk at work? Now he would have to make the choice of spending the night out in the cold, or face the wrath of his nasty landlady for waking her up after midnight. His feet were blistered from the walk home. He had never paid much attention to the shoes he bought, only how they looked. Clearly, this pair did not fit him well. And what was that sick feeling in his stomach? Was this hunger? His feet ached, his legs ached and he was shivering from the cold. For the first time in his life, he wanted to lay down somewhere warm and eat. He had no choice. He would have to face his landlady’s wrath. Could things get any worse?
The alarm seemed to be going off much too early. Clark somehow opened his tired eyes and looked at the clock. 7:55! He was due at work in 5 minutes. This usually was no problem but now that he no longer had super powers, he was going to need to get up a lot earlier than this. He got out of bed and staggered into the bathroom. He looked terrible and what was that smell? It was his breath. He had never had a problem with this before and he didn’t even own a toothbrush much less toothpaste or mouthwash. His face was covered with stubble and his hair was a mess. He clearly was going to need a few things and it was going to take some time to get ready and into work this morning. He called the Planet and spoke to Jimmy. He asked him to tell Mr. White that he would be a little late getting in today.
“Late night Clark?”
“Something like that Jim.”
Clark hung up and Jim went and told Perry that Clark would be late.
“Damn, this is the first time since he started work here that he has been late. I wonder what has gotten into the boy.” said Perry.
More like what has gotten out of the boy, thought Lois.
Lois glanced at herself in the mirror. If David Letterman ever did a top ten ugly loser librarian list, she would be at the top. Her beautiful black hair was hidden under a dirty brown wig pulled back in a bun. Her glasses were coke bottle thick with big black plastic rims that even Buddy Holly wouldn’t be caught dead in. Her ensemble was completed by a frumpy plaid flannel dress 2 sizes too big which revealed nothing and almost completed covered her black granny boots.
Meanwhile Clark was facing his own problems. He had no money to buy what he needed which left him with no choice other than going to the bank and writing himself a check to cash. He threw on some clothes and tried to put his shoes on. Man these hurt he thought. First thing he was going to do was buy a pair of walking shoes as soon as he got his money from the bank.
Looking terrible and smelling worse, he walked the two blocks to the bank and got in the long single maze line to get to a teller. No sooner did he take up his place in line than three men looking not much better than he did came into the bank. The first one pulled out a pistol and screamed: “This is a holdup, everyone get down on the floor.” The other two men pulled out machine guns and waved them about.
The lady in front of Clark was holding a small 4 year old girl in her arms. The little girl was frighten and began screaming. The first robber said to the lady: “Either you shut her up or I will permanently” as he leveled his pistol at the little girl.
“Please,” said Clark “She is just a scared little girl”
“The only thing I hate more than screaming kids are tough guys who try to be heroes. Before any of the rest of you think about trying anything, watch what happens to this guy.”
The first robber pointed his gun at Clark and he knew he was about to be shot. Reflexively, he grabbed his head, closed his eyes and ducked. Bang, bang, bang the shots rang out. Clark was in a state of shock. Was he hit? Had he missed? He was too terrified to open his eyes to look but somehow he found the courage to do so. What he saw was a familiar red cape just inches in front of his nose.
Within a heartbeat, one crushed pistol and two warped machine guns were lying on the Bank floor. A few seconds later, Superwoman was hovering in the air with 2 crooks in her right hand and one in her left.
“It seems no matter how often you empty the trash, there is always still a little more to take out.” she said.
All eyes in the bank turned and looked at Lois. Every woman wanted to be her, every man including Clark at that moment wanted to be with her and all were envious of her power.
Superwoman glanced at Clark. She noted the enlarging area in his pants as well as his overall shoddy appearance. “Rough night Mr. Kent?”
She knew damn well that it had been. He shifted the position of his hands to try to avoid any further embarrassment.
“Well, I am just glad that I was able to help you get up and going this morning Mr. Kent.” she said with a smirk as she flew the men out of the bank.
Lois was enjoying his predicament way too much. He was going to have to have a little talk with her when he got into work later and try to get her to help him get his powers back.
After dropping the crooks off at the local police station, Lois flew up to her favorite perch atop the mirrored building. Who is the Metropolis Marvel now Mr. Kent she thought to herself. Just then, Mxy dropped in for a visit.
“Enjoying your new powers?”
“Immensely.” Lois replied.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned pondered Mxy. He had from time to time run out of ideas on how to make old Supes miserable but this trip, Lois was doing all the work for him and he loved watching it.
“Mxy, you have done so much for me that I would like to pay you back. Do you suppose you could have dinner at eight with me tonight at Rocco’s?”
Mxy wondered just what she had in mind. One way to find out. “Of course I would be delighted to Lois.”
“Then it’s a date.” said Lois. “I would love to stay and chat, but there is a fire on the waterfront and two firemen are trapped inside a burning warehouse”
Mxy watched as Lois flew off. Coming or going she looked great! He had really outdone himself this time. He pondered in his mind what might happen at dinner later.
Clark finally made it in to the Planet.
“Getting started at the crack of noon Clark.” Lois asked.
“I need to talk to you in private Lois.”
Lois turned her head and seemed to be staring at the wall. Clark knew that look only too well. “OK then how about the third floor conference room in say thirty minutes. I need to ah check on something first.”
And no doubt you will be wearing a red cape when you do it Clark thought to himself. Lois hurried out of the room and Clark sat down at his desk. He unlocked it only to find no wallet or keys. Oh well, he must have lost them last night when the Captain tried to toss him into the dumpster.
Since he had thirty minutes to kill, he figured he might as well call the bank and have his cards cancelled. At least he had selected a bank that had a one call canceling service.
“Now are you sure that you have not misplaced your wallet Mr. Kent.” the voice on the other end of the phone said “because once we cancel your cards, it will take approximately 10 working days to send out new ones and we cannot reinstate your old ones.”
“Yes I am sure, please cancel them all please”.
“Very well Mr. Kent”.
He walked downstairs to the conference room 10 minutes early trying to figure out what exactly he was going to tell Lois. Ten seconds after he sat down at the table she appeared in her Superwoman costume.
“What did you want to speak to me about Mr. Kent?”
“Lois, you can call me Clark.”
“When I am dressed like this, I would prefer that you address me as Superwoman and I think it best that I address you as Mr. Kent.”
That statement irritated Clark no end. Just who the hell did she think she was? Her powers were clearly going to her head. So this was the real Lois, a power mad, power craving bitch! Calm down Clark boy. You need her help to trick Mxy and get things back to normal. “Superwoman, I know that you are enjoying your new powers, but I am very concerned that if a major disaster should happen, thousands could die do to your lack of superhero experience. What if Brainiac should attack earth and you are not prepared to handle him? It could be the end of life on earth as we know it.”
Lois was listening intently to Clark’s heartbeat which had just sped up considerably. She used her microscopic vision to examine his skin pores closely. She could see tiny molecules of sodium chloride coming out of his cells which would change his skin’s resistance. In other words, she knew he was full of it.
“Well Mr. Kent, are you implying that a woman, especially this woman is not capable of protecting the Earth?”
“No I am not saying that at all, it’s just that I have had more experience than you and I would like to see things get back to normal as quickly as possible before something terrible happens. Please Lo, err Superwoman, I need your help to trick Mxy into saying his name backwards. You are the only one who can save the Earth from his fiendish pranks.”
In short Clarkie Boy, the blisters on your feet hurt and you can’t stand to see me performing all the super feats, Lois thought to herself.
“Well, I will give the matter some thought Mr. Kent. I am having Dinner tonight with him at Rocco’s.”
Clark did not like the sound of that. Why was Lois meeting Mr. M for dinner at one of the swankest, most exclusive clubs in Metropolis? Did Mxy invite her or she him? Either way was bad news. Was Mxy trying to seduce her? Was he going to try to get her in the sack, or was Lois trying to find a way to keep her new powers forever?
“I think you may be right about the experience thing Mr. Kent, so I am going to fly up to the Fortress to brush up on Mxy before I meet him tonight.”
SHIT NO, thought Clark. If she finds 1/10th of the information I have up there I am a dead man. I have got to come up with some way to talk her out of going up there! Think fast Clark!
“Ah Superwoman, I don’t think that would be a very good idea. You see, the Fortress is booby-trapped with special weapons to protect it from all possible intruders including super ones. If you enter, you could be stripped of your super powers or worse, you could be killed. Without my powers, I cannot remember all the codes and sequences necessary to turn off the security systems.”
Once again Lois probed him with her super vision and hearing. Liar Liar, pants on fire Clarkie Boy.
“Well Mr. Kent, if you really think I shouldn’t go … why don’t you just fly up there and try to stop me! And by the way, here are your wallet and keys.”
Before Clark could open his mouth she was gone. Did she have these all along or did she just find them? Just one of many questions that he would like to have answered. Clark was growing more irritated at Lois by the moment. Better start thinking of a way to trick Mxy yourself Clark old boy because there is no way in hell that bitch Lois is going to help you do anything! Oh when he got his powers back, he would make her pay!