Written by argonaut :: [Thursday, 27 December 2012 16:06] Last updated by :: [Saturday, 10 May 2014 11:25]
This was originally posted on one of the forum threads a few years back. I thought I’d submit this to the Library for the benefit of newer members who may not have seen it, and older members who might enjoy re-reading it.
It’s a crazy homage to Conceptfan’s story “Randolph and Kim.” You can find it in the Library – thanks, Anon! – but here’s all you need to know: Randolph is a scientist who invents a device to give himself super-powers. The device misfires and gives the powers to Kim, the nubile teenager next door. Randolph makes a couple of attempts to transfer the powers to himself, but Kim thwarts him easily each time.
Concocting a sequel in the style of a “Road Runner” cartoon seemed like a good idea at the time. Anyway, here’s the result. (I’ve added a bonus scene.)
Conceptfan, wherever you are, if you’re reading this – come back! We miss you!
Half a dozen large crates are sitting by the side of a desert highway. Each is labeled “ACME GIANT ROBOT (SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED).” Randolph, perspiring in the desert heat, is prying one of them open with a crowbar.
Freeze-frame. Caption: “Randolph (Genius Obstinatus).”
Cut to: Close-up of Randolph tightening a bolt with a wrench. The camera pulls back to reveal that he has just finished assembling a 30-foot-tall robot. Randolph carefully inserts the “Sherman Crystal” into a compartment in the robot’s arm, then uses a ladder to climb into a console in the robot’s chest.
Cut to: Kim (wearing a blue bikini) running at super-speed along the highway. A freeze-frame captures her in mid-stride. Caption: “Kim (Babeus Stupendus).”
Kim stops short just a few feet away from the giant robot. She places her hands on her hips and looks upward.
Randolph, leering triumphantly, pulls a lever on the control panel. Slowly, ponderously, the robot raises its right arm, pointing it at Kim.
Kim propels herself straight upward by pushing her bare toes against the surface of the highway. Up. Up she rises until she’s eye-to-eye with Randolph, who glares at her through the window of the console and begins pulling more levers.
Kim, still suspended in mid-air at the peak of her ascent, extends her right arm and flicks her forefinger lightly against the robot’s chest.
Instantly, the robot bursts into pieces, leaving Randolph hanging in mid-air for a moment before gravity pulls him downward.
Kim descends lightly, gracefully. Randolph lies dazed amid the wreckage of his robot. Kim giggles – “hee-hee!” – in the cadence of the Road Runner’s “beep-beep,” and runs off in a blur of super-speed.
Fade to …
Desert roadside. Randolph has just opened a crate labeled “ACME FREEZE RAY (ADULT SUPERVISION RECOMMENDED).” He takes out a gizmo resembling a toy ray-gun. He aims it at a boulder and pulls the trigger. Instantly, the boulder is encased in several inches of ice.
Nodding with satisfaction, Randolph squints down the empty highway.
Cut to: Kim (wearing a red bikini) running at super-speed along the highway.
Alerted to Kim’s approach by a low rumbling sound, Randolph pulls the trigger of his freeze ray, trapping Kim in a large block of ice just as she is about to run past.
Randolph puts down the freeze ray and begins rummaging through his rucksack, tossing various tools and gadgets over his shoulder as he searches desperately for the Sherman crystal.
A cracking noise makes him pause and look over his shoulder apprehensively. A network of fissures is spreading across the block of ice. Suddenly, the block explodes into fragments as Kim frees herself with a flex of her biceps.
Before Randolph can pick up the freeze ray, Kim blows a gust of frigid super-breath at his loins, encasing them in ice. She giggles – “hee-hee!” – then runs off at super-speed. Blue in the face, teeth chattering, Randolph hobbles past a sign pointing to “HOT SPRINGS” and gingerly lowers himsel into a pool of steaming water.
Fade to …
Desert roadside. Close-up of the cover of a book Randolph is reading intently: How Atalanta Kept the Bridge, by Argonaut.
Cut to: Close-up of an illustration Randolph is studying – the giant catapult perched atop the ridge overlooking the river.
Randolph begins scribbling furiously on a large pad of paper. Over his shoulder we see a sketch of a catapult hurling a boulder at a bikini-clad figure, along with some physics equations. The camera pulls back to reveal a giant catapult set up by the roadside, loaded with an enormous boulder.
Cut to: Kim (wearing a lavender bikini) running at super-speed along the highway.
Cut back to Randolph. He’s holding a pair of binoculars to his eyes with one hand and grasping the lever of the catapult with the other. The rumble of Kim’s approach grows louder and louder. The ground begins to tremble. Randolph counts down the seconds on his fingers – three, two, one – then pulls the lever. The catapult hurls the boulder high into the air …
Cut to Kim. A shadow falls over her as she runs. Her eyes roll upward, but she does not break stride as she raises one arm overhead and catches the falling boulder lightly on the palm of her hand. She runs on without slackening her pace, holding the enormous slab of rock over her head like a waitress carrying a tray through a crowded restaurant.
Cut back to Randolph. He is still peering off to the left when Kim zooms past him with a “hee-hee!” He turns to watch her run off, not noticing that she is no longer holding the boulder aloft. Then a shadow falls upon him. He glances upward, then blinks twice at the camera. He holds up a sign – “UH-OH!” – as the boulder comes crashing down on him.
Desert roadside. Another crate, labeled “ACME SHRINK RAY.” In his haste to unpack it, Randolph has allowed a page of instructions to fall to the ground unread. The camera zooms in on a line of ridiculously tiny print at the bottom of the sheet: “Caution: Do not use against girls with super-powers.”
Smirking with anticipated triumph, Randolph points the shrink ray at a boulder and pulls the trigger. The boulder shrinks to the size of a pebble.
A hand taps Randolph on the shoulder. Startled, he turns around. Kim (wearing a tangerine bikini) is looking down at him curiously. Randolph steps back and pulls the trigger of the shrink ray, aiming at Kim’s shapely chest.
Kim’s bikini top shrinks until the tops are dime-sized scraps of cloth. Randolph’s eyes extend several inches from their sockets and his jaw drops to the ground with a thud! As he stares at Kim’s breasts. Then, collecting himself, he raises the shrink ray again.
Kim looks at the camera, wagging her eyebrows, as she inserts her forefinger into the muzzle of the shrink ray. Randolph pulls the trigger. The shrink ray explodes. Randolph, his hair disheveled, his face and shirtfront blackened, blinks in dismay as he dwindles to the size of a cockroach.
Leaning down, Kim picks Randolph up between her thumb and forefinger and regards him with a bemused expression. She giggles – hee-hee! – as Randolph, purple with rage, squirms in her grasp, shaking his tiny fist and shouting incoherent curses in a barely audible squeak.
Fade to …
Desert roadside. Another crate, this one labeled “ACME BLACK HOLE. CAUTION: MAY DESTROY FABRIC OF SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM.”
Randolph, wearing goggles and protective gloves, has opened the crate. Very carefully, using a pair of tongs, he takes out the black hole – an ebony orb about the side of a golf ball, suspended in a spherical force-field – and places it on a tripod set up in the middle of the highway.
Leaning sideways, Randolph puts a hand behind his ear and listens intently. Sure enough, he hears the low rumble that signals Kim’s approach.
Cut to: Kim running at super-speed along the highway. She’s wearing a yellow bikini with pink polka dots.
Cut back to Randolph. Crouching behind a boulder, he points a remote-control device at the force-field and presses a button. The force-field shuts down and the black hole, hovering a few feet above the surface of the highway, begins exerting its immense gravitational pull on objects all around it. Rocks, cacti, highway signs, an Acme delivery truck – all are sucked into the black hole and vanish.
Kim runs up to the black hole and stops abruptly. Hands on hips, she tilts her head to one side and gazes inquiringly at the strange object, oblivious to the tremendous force it is exerting on everything around her.
Concealed behind the boulder, Randolph begins to insert the Sherman crystal into the transfer ray. Suddenly, the crystal is pulled from his hand, drawn toward the black hole. Alarmed, Randolph reaches out and grabs the crystal … but now he himself is caught in the black hole’s gravitational vortex. Desperately, he digs the fingertips of his free hand into a crevice in the boulder as the black hole continues to tug at him.
Kim is still regarding the black hole curiously, unaffected by the mighty forces swirling around it. The polka dots fly off her bikini and disappear into the orb. The black hole begins to pulsate erratically, locked in a losing struggle against the nubile supergirl. Instead of drawing Kim toward itself, it’s being pulled inexorably toward her. Desperately, it strives to resist, to retreat – but its efforts are futile. Finally, it gives up the struggle and plunges helplessly toward Kim, flattening upon impact with Kim’s midriff and falling limply to the surface of the highway.
Randolph stomps forward, sputtering incoherently, outraged by Kim’s casual disregard for the laws of physics. He walks up to her, shaking a finger in angry expostulation, unaware that he’s standing on the flattened remains of the black hole. Then, looking down, he suddenly realizes that there’s nothing supporting him. Blinking helplessly, he holds up a sign – “YIKES!” – as he plunges out of sight.
Kim leans over and gazes down into the hole for a second, then looks at the camera. She giggles – “hee-hee!” – and runs off at super-speed. As she zooms off, trailing a cloud of dust behind her, the words “THE END” are superimposed on her backside.
Th-th-th-th-that’s all, folks!
* * * * * * * *
Desert highway. Another crate, labeled “ACME FIREWORKS.” Randolph – wearing aviator’s goggles and roller skates – is strapping a bundle of three large Chinese rockets to his back. He leans forward, waiting …
Cut to: Kim (wearing a leopard-print bikini) running at super-speed along the highway.
As she zooms past Randolph, he lights the fuse dangling from the back of one of the rockets. Orange flame shoots from the rocket, propelling him after Kim. His legs are wobbling and he’s weaving back and forth along the highway, but he’s gaining on her.
As he pulls up alongside Kim, he takes out his transfer ray and begins firing. But he’s moving so fast that he can’t shoot straight. Kim dodges the beams with ease before putting on an added burst of speed and leaving him behind in a trail of dust.
Randolph lights another rocket, boosting his speed. Once again, he catches up with Kim. She turns around, matching his speed effortlessly while running backwards. She yawns as Randolph wobbles and weaves beside her, then runs on ahead.
Gritting his teeth, Randolph lights the third rocket. The desert landscape is rushing past him in a blur as he catches up with Kim once more. Side by side, they race along the highway for a few moments. The road suddenly turns to the right, but Randolph and Kim keep going straight, across the desert toward a mesa directly ahead.
Kim runs through the mesa, boring a tunnel through the rock – a tunnel bearing the outline of her shapely figure. Randolph manages to swerve to the left at the last moment, but his momentum carries him past the edge of a cliff. He comes to an abrupt halt as his rockets suddenly sputter out. Suspended in mid-air, he glances down, then looks helplessly at the camera. He holds up a sign – “GOOD-BYE!” – as gravity pulls him below the frame.
We’re looking directly down as Randolph falls toward the ground far below. A tiny cloud of dust marks his impact.
Kim runs up to the cliff, stopping abruptly at the very edge. She peers down, then looks at the camera. With a giggle – tee-hee! – she turns and runs off at super-speed.