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How Superwomenmania Saved Christmas

Written by castor :: [Friday, 20 December 2013 03:18] Last updated by :: [Tuesday, 04 February 2014 22:09]

How Superwomanmania Saved Christmas

A Pantomime

by Castor


Our story opens at …




Santas Workshop a magical space of whimsy and joy with elves and nutcrackers and sparkles-all of which have the day off today as we can't afford the extra. But thers Santa sitting down at his desk checking his list … well hes giving it the once over now. Theres like 1 billion kids. he has to manage his time well.


Santa - Billy. Nice..Lindsay … nice … .Lulu … ..ahhh lets put her on the maybe list …


Santa looks down to one special entry


Santa -Hmmm … that Jess - JudgementGirl. What about her?


Jess - Not so fast big boy


Santa turns to see Jess standing there, hands on her hips, looking particularly evil.


Santa - Judgement girl what are you doing here?


Jess - I am going to kidnap you, and hold you prisoner … in a place worse then hell


Santa - You mean Detroit


Jess - Oh come on … yes we have had budget problems in the past, but it really is a nice place … okay. Yes I'm taking you Detroit


Jess picks up Santa with one hand


Jess - You know I have superstrength, but you really should cut down on the sweets santa - i almost need two fingers to pick hold you up!


Santa - Ohh dog pile on santas weight. ISanta has never heard that before. I have glandular issues


Jess - muhuhahahahaha!


Santa - Who will save me!!?


our scene switches to:




The preisdent sits at his desks talking to his advisors


President - Santa has been kidnapped by ninjas. Who is a bad enough dude to rescue him?


The advisors look on silently.


President - Any takes on this? Any takers? Okay then, I think we all know what we have to do. We have to call in the Superwomenmaniacs.






Which is in outer space - a giant floating space station. We meet our heroes. They're Fats, Anon, CircusCup, Doctor Muttenchops, Ace, Shadar, Dru, Castor and Brantley, who have come for the meeting. In the corner, in a little bed and wearing a cute nightcap, little Njae dozes.


Fats - I am glad you could all make it, everyone. We need to plan for the christmas party


Doctor Muttenchops - We need to turn this place into a winter wonderland. I've got a Costco shopping membershp card!


Dru - Winter sminter, mate. I'm from Australia, and it's summer there. We need to have a beach party theme, and put some shrimp on the barbie.


Castor - Do you really say that?


Dru - What?


Castor - Shrimp on the barbie?


Dru punches castor out


Dru - Bloody idiiot. We call 'em prawns


Fats - Gentleman, gentleman: How about some christmas spirit in our a giant floating spaceship?


Anon - Do we have a giant floating space ship? It seems so extravagant


Brantly- I have run the numbers. This is the only way it makes sense


njae mumbles in his sleep meregene mergenegeT


Anon - But really! God!!! I hate wearing space suits


Fat - Pipe down before I throw you in the airlock.


In a corner Ace and Circus talk


Ace - What's up with them?


Circus - Anons been very mad at Fats recently. Something to do with the lending of an electric toothbrush. It's complicated


Ace - But Anon's one the most valued members of this great team!


Circus - Sometime's people fight. Not just in my stories about superpowered coeds.


Shadar - Everyone! We should all come together in celebration. This is the Velorian time of year for the celebration of Keshai: the time of togetherness and understanding. I think we should all get nude now.


Everyone looks uncomfortable.


Castor raises a hand.


Castor - What does Keshai mean


Dru punches Castor again.


Castor - ehweeee


He collapses.


Anon - Why did you do that?


Dru – its what I do -


Fats, who had left the table, comes back with some news


Fats - People! Lets stop punching Castor, and get on to some important business. Santa has been kidnapped. It's up to us to save him!


Anon - Why us?


Fats - It was an evil supergirl. At first they thought it was ninjas … but that's just ridiculous


Shadar - An Arion!!


Fats - I don't think so …


Shadar - the fiendish dark haired monsters …


Fats - um … it's Judgement Girl. Jess … she's captured Santa, and we have to find her


Just then Argonought walks in.


He then falls down.


Argountut - I'm in pain


All the Superwomanmaniacs *Laugh*


Doctor Muttenchops - Oh, that Argonaught!


Fats - everyone into the Superwomanmania shuttle!


Doctor Muttenchops- Maybe we can go to Costco on the way back. They sell ice cream in the front


The Superwomanmaniacs all leave.


Njae wakes up


Njae - Hey! where did everyone go?




The maniacs crowd into the space ship


Anon - There are 10 of us. Why do we only have a 5 seat shuttle?


Brantley - I have run the numbers. It's the only way it works


Anon - Who made you treasurer?


Circuc Cup(wearing a toga)- It's in the bylaws


Anon - but we spend our money so extravagantly. Stupid bylaws


Fats - Making fun of the bylaws is against the bylaws. Put money in the swear jar


Brantley - Your complaining about the Space Station is how we afford it


Anon *grumbles*


Brantley - more money in the swear jar.


anon - *grumbles more quietly*


Ace - So where do we go?


Shadar - We were hired to think like a supergirl - where would a Yong Shay warrior take it's lotofrien or quarry?


Ace - Where are they going?


Shadar-The Serengeti




The Superwomenmaniacs disperse


Circus cup - Hello Santa!


Dr. Muttenchops - I could be at Costco right now.


Ace (who, being the main hero of the pantomime, is played by a young woman in drag) - maybe if we had a horse …


Just then a pantomime horse walks in with Caveman Ninja Joe playing the front and DKC playing the back.


Fats - Sorry I don't think a horse is going to hold us. Plus this is a story, and a two men dressed as a horse is more a visual gag


The pantomime horse looks down and leaves the stage silently. From the wings Sarge looks on … ..wearing a pantomine Queen Victoria Costume.


Sarge-They probabbly Don't need me.


he looks around then walks off


Sarge-No … No.


Castor - I wonder if this was the right idea


Dru punches him.


Castor - Why is existence painful?


Dru - Stay in line, you bastard


Dru sees a santa hat.


Dru - Ahhh!


He puts it on


Dru - How do I look?


Castor - Is there any response that won't involve me getting punched?


Dru - Honestly? No


Castor - It looks good




Circus Cup - Wow! This place is big


Anon - You know … Jess lives in Detroit


Brantley - we have to respect Shadars ability. He's a SWM legend


Anon - But … .


Brantley - Swear jar


Anon - This outfit is nuts.


Brantley - Swear jar.


Shadar - Hmmmm … maybe the Arion has taken her capture somewhere else … maybe Detroit


Brantley -Thats a great idea


Anon - Come on !!!


Brantley - We might have that ten man shuttle before you know it.


Brantley hold the swear jar out for Anon to deposit a coin


Fats - Let's go people!


Just then, flying from out of sky --- comes Solaris


Fats - Hey Camille. Your the perfect one to help us find Santa


Solaris - I donno. guys. I'm just not feeling very motivated right now. I saved Hong Kong from something … teethy, or scaly, or something, and I'm just feeling the blah's today.


Ace - Buck up! We're saving Christmas


Dru- The greatest of the summer holidays


There's a pause


Dru - Hey! We're in the southern hemisphere right now, so it's summer now. Get it … get it?


Castor - But …


Dru punches him in the face


Solaris - I dunno … it's … well, I'm having trouble with my boyfriend. We got into this argument over the movie Ghostbusters


Circus Cup - The greatest movie ever!!!


Everyone looks at circus


Dr. Muttenchops - what about Vertigo?


Ace - or Casablanca


Brantley - or Rules of the Game


Castor - Seven Samurai




Dru - or Quiggley Down Under!


Circus Cup - I just like it is all




Circes - It's fun, you know … with all the ghosts and all the busting, and the busting of ghosts - do dododododo do dodododo. Cue saksephone solo


Fats - Why did you say 'cue saxophone solo'?


Circus - 'Cause that's where the sax kicks in.


Fats - Anyway … we need to get to Detroit now and save Santa. Come with us Solaris - maybe you'll find your motivation


Solaris - Ehh … I think I'm going to meditate in the south pole for a while


Solaris flies off


Argonaught walks in … .and then falls down


Argonaught - My knees have a lot of cartlidige problems


All the superwomenmaniacs - hahahahahahahahahaha


Argonaught - What about Superman?


All the superwomenmanaicss - hahahahahahahahah


Argonaught - It was number 43 on Roger Eberts favorite movie list


All of the superwomenmaniacs - hahahahahahahah


They get into their space ship and fly off


Njae wakes up


Njae - Tokoyo Love Story?




The manaics depart from their spaceship


Fats - Okay people … let's be very quite, and very careful. She is an incredibly powerful superwoman, and we need to be careful


Anon - That's a very sensible thing to say, Fats


Fats - Of course


Njae snores


Lfan comes out of a convience store.


Lfan - Hey guys! What did I miss, I was just stopping for some snacks


Dr. Muttenchops - But the prices … god they're so expensive. Unlike, say … .


Ace - Costco?


Dr. Muttenchops - They have little free samples there. Sure, you have to pay 50 dollars to join, but it pays for itself


Anon - What's a convenience store doing in the middle of the vacant lot?


Dr Muttenchops - this is America, people might acidently get hungry. Besides … it is convenient. Not like the old days back in the 40s. There everyone gathered round the old radio and listened to tales of superman and how he shoped so conviently for all his goods at.


Dru- You know, in Australia, we all ride around in kangraoo pouches


There's a silence


Anon - your just making that up aren't you?


Castor - Thanks


*Dru punches castor.*


Dru - Smart mouth.


Anon - You guys are all idiots! God!


Ace - Come on! You're part of the team!


Njae wakes up


Njae - What's this about..where're …


He goes back to sleep


Brantley - Yeah, you're our main source of income


Argonaught walks out from the ship and falls over … .


Anon - I am so mad at all of you I can't even laugh at Argonaughts lovable antics


Argonaught - Guys … I think I've broken something


Anon storms off


Circus Cup moves to go but Fats stops him


Fats - Leave him, Circus


Circus Cup- Would the ghostbusters break-up?


Fats- Let him go. We're going to have to do this one without him. We're the Superwomanmaniacs!!!


Circus - But …


Fats - And without your recently discovered obsession with ghostbusters


Circus - I needed a personality trait


Dr. muttenchops - It could be worse. Mine is I like Costco. Thats not even a really a trait anyway. It's just a place with AMAZING VALUES!!!


Shadar - I can see the Judgement Girl's Horrible Tower of Sorrow up ahead


He points to a giant building that looks to be a can of Mountain Dew


Dru - Fuck man. Where's Geekseven when you need him?


*Theres a pause*


Fats - Oh yeah … we forgot Geekseven.




Geekseven sit's by his phone


Geek Seven - When will they call me?




Fats - Let's get going


Argonaught moans


Argounaught - I really think I broke something here guys …




Jess - muhahahahah


Santa sits in a cage


Santa - Well, you're sure as shit on the naughty-list now, girl. I was originally on the fence, but now. .no deal.


Jess - With you out of the way I can begin my ultimate plan … all of Western Europe is doomed!


Santa pauses


Santa - How exactly am I involved in that?


Just then our heroes arrive


Jess - Ummmm … who are you guys?


Fats - We're the Superwomanmaniacs


Castor - yeah


Castor tenses and looks toward Dru


Dru - Why are you looking at me like that, mate?


Castor - It's just


Dru punches him in the face


Ace - We're here to stop you!!


Circus Cup - And also maybe to do something about revilitilzing Detroits economy


Dr Muttenchops - Maybe put in a costco


Jess - Oh come on! It's not that bad. I over your anti-Detroit jokes. Now you all will die …


Fats - Not so fast. We have the power of christmas to stop you


Jess - What? Seriously?


Fats - Yes


Jess - Seriously?


Santa - Even I think that's lame, and that's pretty much my thing


Fats - He's got a point man, how are we going to stop her? None of us actually has any super powers. Except for Camille




Camille - I mean, at first it started out great, but I'm not sure he understands me - i just wonder if he only sees me as this supergirl, without understanding the deep feelings of the real me - this shy sensitive girl underneath


*Geekseven hugs her*


Geekseven - There, there




Dru - I know just what to do! Don't sweat it, fellas … I got this one


Dru pulls off his shirt and his pants and starts to dance


Dru - the Thunder from Down Under will seduce her with my masculine wiles


He erotically thrusts his crotch at Jess


Dru - chu cha caha


Jess - Um seriously freako … I'm married.


Jess's husband comes in


Husband - Are your friends going to stay for dinner? I'll set out some plates


Jess - Oh, no. I'm just going to kill them. Love you honey!


Just then, as Jess is distracted shadar comes from nowwhere and puts a gold belt around her waste


Shadar - There! This gold belt will weaken and distract her with sexual energy …


Jess - Ahh no … it won't. You just made that up as part of your silly Aurora Universe stuff




Jess - Make me


Brantley - You know the rules. Money; Swearjar; Now


Jess - Ahh … nuts.


*she puts money in*


Jess - Just for that I'm going to double-kill you


Fats - Things don't look very good for us


Soviet Supergirl flies in


Soviet Supergirl - I would help, but Santa is just an imaginary figure of capatalistic greed and consumption. No offence


Santa - none taken


Soviet Supergirl flies out


Shadar - Why isn't the gold working? Is my Aurora Universe just based on a clever re-writing of DC universe stuff into a weird and overly complicated science fiction.


Brantley - Yes


Shadar - Oh


Fats - If only anon were here. He would know what to do


Anon kicks open the door


Anon - I never left!


Fats - Wow! My friend …


Anon - Your friend?


Fats - Of course your my friend. You're a valued member of this little outfit, and one of the most Maniacal people I know … I mean … you're a real Maniac


Anon - You really mean that?


Fats - Well, I was just saying it to make you stay … but now that I think about iis true. We really do need you, Anon.


Ace - We really need all of us - that's Superwomanmania is really about! It's not just about pictures and stories of women inerotic poses talking about muscles and videos of weird children' s TV shows from Belgium … its about community … togetherness


All - YEAH


Ace - And together we are going to defeat this bad girl


Jess - You'll never beat me. I'm completely invulnerable


Just then Argonaught walks in … .and drops aluminium sulphide powder all over Jess.


Jess - What the … ?


She falls over weakened. Argonaught also fell over.


Dr. Muttenchop - I gave him my Costco card to get it


Jess - How did you know my one weakness is allumium sulphide?


Anon - You posted it on your facebook page


Jess - Curses! I can't stop you from freeing Santa! But I'll never tell you that the key is in the third cupboard from the right. Nope … you bastards can find it on your own!


Circus Cup goes to get it


Jess - No … my right, not your right


Circus - Thanks


They free santa


Santa - Thanks guys. You're all on the nice list.


Ace - Ahh, guys


Santa - And I have all of your favourite gifts … plenty of vaguely, but not quite, porn stories in the new year!


Superwomanmaniacs - Yeah!


Fats - And I think we all learned the true meaning of Christmas. It's about peace on Earth and good will towards man.


Castor - Hey! We forgot to laugh at Argonaut falling down


Dru -You're right mate … you're absolutely right. Merry christmas. Sorry about the shiner.


Castor - I think I am going to need to see a doctor


argonaut - Me to, me to.


Everyone, including Jess-


Hark the herald angels sing

"Glory to the newborn King!

Peace on earth and mercy mild

God and sinners reconciled"

Joyful, all ye nations rise

Join the triumph of the skies

With the angelic host proclaim:

"Christ is born in Bethlehem"

Hark! The herald angels sing

"Glory to the newborn King!"


Njae wakes up


Njae - what did I miss. And, urgh … why is Dru wearing a thong?


Santa - Merry Christmas everybody!!


The End


(special thanks to all Superwomanmaniac named and unnamed for producing such wonderful magic. its your inspiration and creativty that makes this site possible and a joy to vist. May you all have a Merry Christmas and comfort and joy. Also Costco: Great store)












everyone looks at him


Lfan-well i only had like one line in the story so …

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