Written by castor :: [Friday, 20 December 2013 03:18] Last updated by :: [Tuesday, 04 February 2014 22:09]
How Superwomanmania Saved Christmas
Our story opens at …
NORTH POLE -
Santas Workshop a magical space of whimsy and joy with elves and nutcrackers and sparkles-all of which have the day off today as we can't afford the extra. But thers Santa sitting down at his desk checking his list … well hes giving it the once over now. Theres like 1 billion kids. he has to manage his time well.
Santa - Billy. Nice..Lindsay … nice … .Lulu … ..ahhh lets put her on the maybe list …
Santa looks down to one special entry
Santa -Hmmm … that Jess - JudgementGirl. What about her?
Jess - Not so fast big boy
Santa turns to see Jess standing there, hands on her hips, looking particularly evil.
Santa - Judgement girl what are you doing here?
Jess - I am going to kidnap you, and hold you prisoner … in a place worse then hell
Santa - You mean Detroit
Jess - Oh come on … yes we have had budget problems in the past, but it really is a nice place … okay. Yes I'm taking you Detroit
Jess picks up Santa with one hand
Jess - You know I have superstrength, but you really should cut down on the sweets santa - i almost need two fingers to pick hold you up!
Santa - Ohh dog pile on santas weight. ISanta has never heard that before. I have glandular issues
Jess - muhuhahahahaha!
Santa - Who will save me!!?
our scene switches to:
The preisdent sits at his desks talking to his advisors
President - Santa has been kidnapped by ninjas. Who is a bad enough dude to rescue him?
The advisors look on silently.
President - Any takes on this? Any takers? Okay then, I think we all know what we have to do. We have to call in the Superwomenmaniacs.
Which is in outer space - a giant floating space station. We meet our heroes. They're Fats, Anon, CircusCup, Doctor Muttenchops, Ace, Shadar, Dru, Castor and Brantley, who have come for the meeting. In the corner, in a little bed and wearing a cute nightcap, little Njae dozes.
Fats - I am glad you could all make it, everyone. We need to plan for the christmas party
Doctor Muttenchops - We need to turn this place into a winter wonderland. I've got a Costco shopping membershp card!
Dru - Winter sminter, mate. I'm from Australia, and it's summer there. We need to have a beach party theme, and put some shrimp on the barbie.
Castor - Do you really say that?
Dru - What?
Castor - Shrimp on the barbie?
Dru punches castor out
Dru - Bloody idiiot. We call 'em prawns
Fats - Gentleman, gentleman: How about some christmas spirit in our a giant floating spaceship?
Anon - Do we have a giant floating space ship? It seems so extravagant
Brantly- I have run the numbers. This is the only way it makes sense
njae mumbles in his sleep meregene mergenegeT
Anon - But really! God!!! I hate wearing space suits
Fat - Pipe down before I throw you in the airlock.
In a corner Ace and Circus talk
Ace - What's up with them?
Circus - Anons been very mad at Fats recently. Something to do with the lending of an electric toothbrush. It's complicated
Ace - But Anon's one the most valued members of this great team!
Circus - Sometime's people fight. Not just in my stories about superpowered coeds.
Shadar - Everyone! We should all come together in celebration. This is the Velorian time of year for the celebration of Keshai: the time of togetherness and understanding. I think we should all get nude now.
Everyone looks uncomfortable.
Castor raises a hand.
Castor - What does Keshai mean
Dru punches Castor again.
Castor - ehweeee
Anon - Why did you do that?
Dru – its what I do -
Fats, who had left the table, comes back with some news
Fats - People! Lets stop punching Castor, and get on to some important business. Santa has been kidnapped. It's up to us to save him!
Anon - Why us?
Fats - It was an evil supergirl. At first they thought it was ninjas … but that's just ridiculous
Shadar - An Arion!!
Fats - I don't think so …
Shadar - the fiendish dark haired monsters …
Fats - um … it's Judgement Girl. Jess … she's captured Santa, and we have to find her
Just then Argonought walks in.
He then falls down.
Argountut - I'm in pain
All the Superwomanmaniacs *Laugh*
Doctor Muttenchops - Oh, that Argonaught!
Fats - everyone into the Superwomanmania shuttle!
Doctor Muttenchops- Maybe we can go to Costco on the way back. They sell ice cream in the front
The Superwomanmaniacs all leave.
Njae wakes up
Njae - Hey! where did everyone go?
The maniacs crowd into the space ship
Anon - There are 10 of us. Why do we only have a 5 seat shuttle?
Brantley - I have run the numbers. It's the only way it works
Anon - Who made you treasurer?
Circuc Cup(wearing a toga)- It's in the bylaws
Anon - but we spend our money so extravagantly. Stupid bylaws
Fats - Making fun of the bylaws is against the bylaws. Put money in the swear jar
Brantley - Your complaining about the Space Station is how we afford it
Brantley - more money in the swear jar.
anon - *grumbles more quietly*
Ace - So where do we go?
Shadar - We were hired to think like a supergirl - where would a Yong Shay warrior take it's lotofrien or quarry?
Ace - Where are they going?
The Superwomenmaniacs disperse
Circus cup - Hello Santa!
Dr. Muttenchops - I could be at Costco right now.
Ace (who, being the main hero of the pantomime, is played by a young woman in drag) - maybe if we had a horse …
Just then a pantomime horse walks in with Caveman Ninja Joe playing the front and DKC playing the back.
Fats - Sorry I don't think a horse is going to hold us. Plus this is a story, and a two men dressed as a horse is more a visual gag
The pantomime horse looks down and leaves the stage silently. From the wings Sarge looks on … ..wearing a pantomine Queen Victoria Costume.
Sarge-They probabbly Don't need me.
he looks around then walks off
Sarge-No … No.
Castor - I wonder if this was the right idea
Dru punches him.
Castor - Why is existence painful?
Dru - Stay in line, you bastard
Dru sees a santa hat.
Dru - Ahhh!
He puts it on
Dru - How do I look?
Castor - Is there any response that won't involve me getting punched?
Dru - Honestly? No
Castor - It looks good
Circus Cup - Wow! This place is big
Anon - You know … Jess lives in Detroit
Brantley - we have to respect Shadars ability. He's a SWM legend
Anon - But … .
Brantley - Swear jar
Anon - This outfit is nuts.
Brantley - Swear jar.
Shadar - Hmmmm … maybe the Arion has taken her capture somewhere else … maybe Detroit
Brantley -Thats a great idea
Anon - Come on !!!
Brantley - We might have that ten man shuttle before you know it.
Brantley hold the swear jar out for Anon to deposit a coin
Fats - Let's go people!
Just then, flying from out of sky --- comes Solaris
Fats - Hey Camille. Your the perfect one to help us find Santa
Solaris - I donno. guys. I'm just not feeling very motivated right now. I saved Hong Kong from something … teethy, or scaly, or something, and I'm just feeling the blah's today.
Ace - Buck up! We're saving Christmas
Dru- The greatest of the summer holidays
There's a pause
Dru - Hey! We're in the southern hemisphere right now, so it's summer now. Get it … get it?
Castor - But …
Dru punches him in the face
Solaris - I dunno … it's … well, I'm having trouble with my boyfriend. We got into this argument over the movie Ghostbusters
Circus Cup - The greatest movie ever!!!
Everyone looks at circus
Dr. Muttenchops - what about Vertigo?
Ace - or Casablanca
Brantley - or Rules of the Game
Castor - Seven Samurai
Dru - or Quiggley Down Under!
Circus Cup - I just like it is all
Circes - It's fun, you know … with all the ghosts and all the busting, and the busting of ghosts - do dododododo do dodododo. Cue saksephone solo
Fats - Why did you say 'cue saxophone solo'?
Circus - 'Cause that's where the sax kicks in.
Fats - Anyway … we need to get to Detroit now and save Santa. Come with us Solaris - maybe you'll find your motivation
Solaris - Ehh … I think I'm going to meditate in the south pole for a while
Solaris flies off
Argonaught walks in … .and then falls down
Argonaught - My knees have a lot of cartlidige problems
All the superwomenmaniacs - hahahahahahahahahaha
Argonaught - What about Superman?
All the superwomenmanaicss - hahahahahahahahah
Argonaught - It was number 43 on Roger Eberts favorite movie list
All of the superwomenmaniacs - hahahahahahahah
They get into their space ship and fly off
Njae wakes up
Njae - Tokoyo Love Story?
A FIELD OUTSIDE OF DETROIT
The manaics depart from their spaceship
Fats - Okay people … let's be very quite, and very careful. She is an incredibly powerful superwoman, and we need to be careful
Anon - That's a very sensible thing to say, Fats
Fats - Of course
Lfan comes out of a convience store.
Lfan - Hey guys! What did I miss, I was just stopping for some snacks
Dr. Muttenchops - But the prices … god they're so expensive. Unlike, say … .
Ace - Costco?
Dr. Muttenchops - They have little free samples there. Sure, you have to pay 50 dollars to join, but it pays for itself
Anon - What's a convenience store doing in the middle of the vacant lot?
Dr Muttenchops - this is America, people might acidently get hungry. Besides … it is convenient. Not like the old days back in the 40s. There everyone gathered round the old radio and listened to tales of superman and how he shoped so conviently for all his goods at.
Dru- You know, in Australia, we all ride around in kangraoo pouches
There's a silence
Anon - your just making that up aren't you?
Castor - Thanks
*Dru punches castor.*
Dru - Smart mouth.
Anon - You guys are all idiots! God!
Ace - Come on! You're part of the team!
Njae wakes up
Njae - What's this about..where're …
He goes back to sleep
Brantley - Yeah, you're our main source of income
Argonaught walks out from the ship and falls over … .
Anon - I am so mad at all of you I can't even laugh at Argonaughts lovable antics
Argonaught - Guys … I think I've broken something
Anon storms off
Circus Cup moves to go but Fats stops him
Fats - Leave him, Circus
Circus Cup- Would the ghostbusters break-up?
Fats- Let him go. We're going to have to do this one without him. We're the Superwomanmaniacs!!!
Circus - But …
Fats - And without your recently discovered obsession with ghostbusters
Circus - I needed a personality trait
Dr. muttenchops - It could be worse. Mine is I like Costco. Thats not even a really a trait anyway. It's just a place with AMAZING VALUES!!!
Shadar - I can see the Judgement Girl's Horrible Tower of Sorrow up ahead
He points to a giant building that looks to be a can of Mountain Dew
Dru - Fuck man. Where's Geekseven when you need him?
*Theres a pause*
Fats - Oh yeah … we forgot Geekseven.
Geekseven sit's by his phone
Geek Seven - When will they call me?
Fats - Let's get going
Argounaught - I really think I broke something here guys …
INSIDE JUDGEMENT GIRLS CASTLE
Jess - muhahahahah
Santa sits in a cage
Santa - Well, you're sure as shit on the naughty-list now, girl. I was originally on the fence, but now. .no deal.
Jess - With you out of the way I can begin my ultimate plan … all of Western Europe is doomed!
Santa - How exactly am I involved in that?
Just then our heroes arrive
Jess - Ummmm … who are you guys?
Fats - We're the Superwomanmaniacs
Castor - yeah
Castor tenses and looks toward Dru
Dru - Why are you looking at me like that, mate?
Castor - It's just
Dru punches him in the face
Ace - We're here to stop you!!
Circus Cup - And also maybe to do something about revilitilzing Detroits economy
Dr Muttenchops - Maybe put in a costco
Jess - Oh come on! It's not that bad. I over your anti-Detroit jokes. Now you all will die …
Fats - Not so fast. We have the power of christmas to stop you
Jess - What? Seriously?
Fats - Yes
Jess - Seriously?
Santa - Even I think that's lame, and that's pretty much my thing
Fats - He's got a point man, how are we going to stop her? None of us actually has any super powers. Except for Camille
Camille - I mean, at first it started out great, but I'm not sure he understands me - i just wonder if he only sees me as this supergirl, without understanding the deep feelings of the real me - this shy sensitive girl underneath
*Geekseven hugs her*
Geekseven - There, there
Dru - I know just what to do! Don't sweat it, fellas … I got this one
Dru pulls off his shirt and his pants and starts to dance
Dru - the Thunder from Down Under will seduce her with my masculine wiles
He erotically thrusts his crotch at Jess
Dru - chu cha caha
Jess - Um seriously freako … I'm married.
Jess's husband comes in
Husband - Are your friends going to stay for dinner? I'll set out some plates
Jess - Oh, no. I'm just going to kill them. Love you honey!
Just then, as Jess is distracted shadar comes from nowwhere and puts a gold belt around her waste
Shadar - There! This gold belt will weaken and distract her with sexual energy …
Jess - Ahh no … it won't. You just made that up as part of your silly Aurora Universe stuff
Brantley - TAKE THAT BACK !!!! YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW!!!!!
Jess - Make me
Brantley - You know the rules. Money; Swearjar; Now
Jess - Ahh … nuts.
*she puts money in*
Jess - Just for that I'm going to double-kill you
Fats - Things don't look very good for us
Soviet Supergirl flies in
Soviet Supergirl - I would help, but Santa is just an imaginary figure of capatalistic greed and consumption. No offence
Santa - none taken
Soviet Supergirl flies out
Shadar - Why isn't the gold working? Is my Aurora Universe just based on a clever re-writing of DC universe stuff into a weird and overly complicated science fiction.
Brantley - Yes
Shadar - Oh
Fats - If only anon were here. He would know what to do
Anon kicks open the door
Anon - I never left!
Fats - Wow! My friend …
Anon - Your friend?
Fats - Of course your my friend. You're a valued member of this little outfit, and one of the most Maniacal people I know … I mean … you're a real Maniac
Anon - You really mean that?
Fats - Well, I was just saying it to make you stay … but now that I think about iis true. We really do need you, Anon.
Ace - We really need all of us - that's Superwomanmania is really about! It's not just about pictures and stories of women inerotic poses talking about muscles and videos of weird children' s TV shows from Belgium … its about community … togetherness
All - YEAH
Ace - And together we are going to defeat this bad girl
Jess - You'll never beat me. I'm completely invulnerable
Just then Argonaught walks in … .and drops aluminium sulphide powder all over Jess.
Jess - What the … ?
She falls over weakened. Argonaught also fell over.
Dr. Muttenchop - I gave him my Costco card to get it
Jess - How did you know my one weakness is allumium sulphide?
Anon - You posted it on your facebook page
Jess - Curses! I can't stop you from freeing Santa! But I'll never tell you that the key is in the third cupboard from the right. Nope … you bastards can find it on your own!
Circus Cup goes to get it
Jess - No … my right, not your right
Circus - Thanks
They free santa
Santa - Thanks guys. You're all on the nice list.
Ace - Ahh, guys
Santa - And I have all of your favourite gifts … plenty of vaguely, but not quite, porn stories in the new year!
Superwomanmaniacs - Yeah!
Fats - And I think we all learned the true meaning of Christmas. It's about peace on Earth and good will towards man.
Castor - Hey! We forgot to laugh at Argonaut falling down
Dru -You're right mate … you're absolutely right. Merry christmas. Sorry about the shiner.
Castor - I think I am going to need to see a doctor
argonaut - Me to, me to.
Everyone, including Jess-
Hark the herald angels sing
"Glory to the newborn King!
Peace on earth and mercy mild
God and sinners reconciled"
Joyful, all ye nations rise
Join the triumph of the skies
With the angelic host proclaim:
"Christ is born in Bethlehem"
Hark! The herald angels sing
"Glory to the newborn King!"
Njae wakes up
Njae - what did I miss. And, urgh … why is Dru wearing a thong?
Santa - Merry Christmas everybody!!
(special thanks to all Superwomanmaniac named and unnamed for producing such wonderful magic. its your inspiration and creativty that makes this site possible and a joy to vist. May you all have a Merry Christmas and comfort and joy. Also Costco: Great store)
everyone looks at him
Lfan-well i only had like one line in the story so …