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April Fools

Written by pocketfull :: [Thursday, 11 April 2013 04:09] Last updated by :: [Monday, 15 April 2013 06:46]

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A veteran talkshow interviewer, told to do a surprise interview.

 

A competition-winning audience – free tickets, told they may play some part.

 

Airport-style security, cameras prohibited.

 

Old-fashioned cameras on set.

 

-----

 

As the audience sit, the host goes behind his desk, does some topical jokes.

 

HOST: "We've a special surprise tonight."

 

He wonders who it is. Suddenly, his microphone and the lights go off. The host pauses … awaits a colleague with a torch, and instructions.

 

Gasps in the pure darkness. Long seconds pass, none comes to help. Audience mutterings. The host stands, taps his desk, heads for the middle of the stage

 

HOST: "We're suffering difficulties. Folks are working on it – the generator'll kick in. Please be patient."

 

He fumbles his way back. "Psst", he hears nearby. He's startled, struggles to respond.

 

HOST: "What's the problem?"

 

Gentle sounds of amusement.

 

QUIET FEMALE VOICE (in his ear): "There's no problem."

 

HOST: "Care to tell me what the hell's going on?"

 

His hands reach out to the voice's general whereabouts.

 

FEMALE VOICE (in his other ear): "Talk's cheap, I'll show you instead."

 

His hands switch sides in their search.

 

FEMALE VOICE (now behind him): "You ready?"

 

He turns, further gropes at the darkness, grows agitated. Suddenly, his wrist's tugged to head-level. He feels softness on his hand, then … the unmistakeable sound, and feeling, of a kiss. Now a spotlight from the back of the room. His wrist's free. His eyes darted to the light's focus, on the stage furthest away.

 

Close-by, the light shines on two feet.

 

The room stands silent, all eyes on the feet.

 

The light pans upwards, a foot-wide window onto a body.

 

First, shins. Next, below the knee, green yoga pants.

 

Ascending, the pants cling to long, feminine legs. The fabric emphasizing a gap at the top of her legs. The light catches captivating, curvy hips as she slowly turns.

 

Above her waist, glossy skin's revealed. A toned stomach. A trim, narrow waist. Turning through a sleek profile, then showing the small of her back.

 

Suddenly, the light expands to reveal her whole figure and face.

She winks at the audience. An instant later it's dark again, but for only a second.

 

Now the whole room shines with brilliant light

 

The host and audience wince as their eyes recover. One-by-one, the audience catch sight of her, lying on the sofa near the host.

The host doesn't see her immediately.

 

"Hi" she says, getting his attention, "sit."

 

He mumbles, before sitting behind his desk. His eyes glazing over staring at her.

 

"April's the name." she says, smirking

 

Silence.

 

APRIL: "Guess I should probably put more on."

 

She clicks her fingers. A second of darkness, then light.

The host's yet more entranced. She laughs, clicks. Darkness, light.

She looks over.

 

APRIL: "Ok, that'll have to do."

 

He blushes.

 

HOST: "I'm … sorry"

 

APRIL: "Whatever, just keep it together. Thought you were a professional."

 

HOST: "So, erm … this is unusual and I don't know where to start."

 

APRIL: "How about saying it's nice to meet me?"

 

He glances down her top.

 

She laughs, shaking her head

 

APRIL: "You're useless!"

 

He becomes agitated.

 

HOST: "So, you're a magician? Or what?"

 

Click, darkness, light.

APRIL: "That'd be selling me short."

 

HOST: "Well … so far, all you've done's misdirection."

 

APRIL: "You're seriously underestimating my talents."

 

HOST: "Ok, it's not magic, then what?"

 

APRIL: "I correct the misconceptions of people who jump to the conclusion that I'm just a pretty girl."

 

HOST: "Hmm. You're going to have to do better than that."

 

APRIL: "Don't worry, I certainly will."

 

Click, darkness, light.

 

April stands over him.

APRIL (addressing AUDIENCE): "All men next to the aisles, move to the backstage area."

 

Blank looks in the audience. April helps them to their feet, points to a stage door.

 

Guys leave the room.

 

April tips over the sofa to reveal heavy rope. She throws the rope so it's stretched out across the floor.

 

APRIL (to HOST): "Come inspect it"

 

He wanders over, and stoops to lift it, first one-handed, then both to get a firm grip. He holds it at waist height, pulls to make sure it's indeed a real rope. His posture betrays a discomfort at the weight of it.

 

April clicks.

 

Out come 5 men of a rugby player's build.

 

April points at the rope, apprehensively, they hold it.

 

Click.

 

More men ramble out, hold the rope at the other end.

 

April looks over at the second 5, shakes her head

 

APRIL: "Wrong end, dickheads!"

 

They join the others. Little do they know, it's just the beginning of their embarrassment.

 

April strolls to the empty end of the rope, stares down her opponents. Her hand lifts it until taunt.

 

The men tighten their grips, uneasily.

 

April lets the rope move away.

 

Men anxiously shuffle back.

 

She reverses the motion with equal ease, overcoming her opponents' attempts at digging in. She repeats the to-and-fro a little faster, unbalancing the men. Another repeat, only with a much faster pull back towards her.

 

The men descend upon her at pace. The front man meets April's palm, and stops. The remainder of the men are momentarily pinned behind him.

 

April smirks at the front man.

 

APRIL (to AUDIENCE): "I call this the domino rally."

 

She casually pushes the man backwards. The resulting tumble's unstoppable despite her opponents' best efforts. April clicks and some backstage helpers appear, lead the humiliated men off stage.

 

Moments later out come 10 men carrying 5 tables, each pair experts with a different board game.

 

Chess, Go, Scrabble, Monopoly, Risk.

 

APRIL (to CONTENDERS): "Play together as pairs – do your worst."

 

She moves from board to board, taking little time for thought. Her opponents strategize for minutes, but she crushes them all, and swiftly.

 

APRIL (to CONTENDERS): "You're all stupid – get off my stage!"

 

She wanders around, very purposefully removing film from each of the cameras.

 

APRIL (to AUDIENCE): "This is not the last you'll hear from me. Any attempts to identify me to the public will be … HEAVILY … punished! But, for now, good bye and April Fools!"

 

There's one last click, only this time there's nothing but an emptiness where April had been. For she has disappeared in an instant right in front of them all.

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