SGI Workshop 2.1: Vote for your favourite entry

LFan's just beats out Conceptfan's considerable efforts. Damn, I'm impressed by the quality of them all.

I haven't had time to read and vote yet, but I will soon, probably this evening or tomorrow.

In the mean time, I do want to remind everyone that my story, "The Pool Toy" was intentionally left out of the workshop, because I nearly doubled the maximum word count, but it's another short story in the same theme. It's the first time I've ever actually completed a story, so I'd really appreciate any feedback, positive or negative, especially specific recommendations for improving my writing style.

Also, I want to remind you all about the post where I posted links to pictures of the woman who inspired the visual look of my character:

www.superwomenmania.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=377

YAGS

Ok, I've read the stories. Doesn't take long when they're all this short.

"Call Before You Come Over" - Good story, LFan. Very good use of supersenses, and I love what she did with the car. Very creative.

"Revelation Night" - Not bad. The part that struck me while reading it, though, is that it seems she got mad a little too fast (why not just show him her powers outright to prove she's telling the truth?) and then turned sappy too quickly at the end. Maybe it's just the short word limitation that made the scene seem too rushed. But still a cute story, with some fun supergirl mischief and a sweet ending.

"Go" - This was just a little weird. I get the feeling it would work well as a comic book or cartoon, but it seemed like too much vague action for a text story. Cool concept, but this is the one story in the bunch that I think suffered the most from the short word limit. It just seems like it could have used more description of everything that was happening.

As for "Dropping By", by the same author, I liked that one more. This one took advantage of the short format quite well, which is something that some of us failed to accomplish (see my story that's nearly double the word length limit). And the last line was nice. Well done.

"The List" - I honestly didn't think ConceptFan would be able to keep it short. His work is always good, but his style is probably too wordy for these short workshops, much like my own. A pretty good short story, but not CF's best.

And that brings us to "The Pick-Up". For the second workshop in a row, Marknew gets my vote. Great job.

YAGS

I appreciate the feeback...it does feel rushed, but it is the word count, as i said before...i uised 600 words on the actual dumping part. 400 words is nothing.

SPOILER ALERTS!!! DON'T READ UNTIL YOU'VE READ THE STORIES.





"Call Before You Come Over" by Lfan.

Funny how we both used Barbie/Ken!

Loved her powers. She was so home in them, so quickly too just after getting them. And that crushed GT. What a blow!

It's a delightful story. Right to the point, told in as few words as possible, which was the trick to this contest. And I really liked that fact that her powers weren't the focus of the story. It's her normal anger, the switch from "can't wait to tell my guy what's happened to me today", to "I will ABSOLUTELY DESTROY my love for betraying me", to "now what can I do to really get him?" with her ultimate revenge fueled by the might she now enjoys.

All in 1,000 words. Great!


"Dropping By", by WhitePaw.

I'd never read anything by White Paw, and this was GOOD. Very smart to focus on one scene, one very, very sexy scene. Flipping back and forth between description and well-chosen minimalist words of dialogue. Again, terrific economy of words, getting the most out of every one. And very clever set-up. Wonderful theme, similar to Lfan's, of the guy not knowing what he was missing by cheating on her until it was too late, but with a strip tease, a killer kiss and a great last line. Definitely could be a winner.



Go by Whitepaw

This one didn't work for me. I found it hard to follow, but also, the action doesn't seem to take place in the story. Perhaps somewhere else in WP's mind. Or perhaps these are pre-existing characters and I don't know them. Sorry.


Revelation Night by Mikey Freedom

I'm not sure what to say about this. It was well written as a story, but fundamentally the situation didn't work for me. Shouldn't Linda have expected Dick's response rather than be annoyed by it? And it would be such a simple matter for her to prove it to him, even by showing him he couldn't push her out. So I guess the drama in the situation wasn't there for me. If my wife told me she was Supergirl, I'd say, "Yeah, right. Let's see you fly, babe," or something like that. And she would hit the ceiling (in a way different from the way she usually does) and then we'd have our talk. But it's not dramatic. Or if she said, "I can't right now. You'll just have to trust me," I'd give her a funny look and think about where I should take the kids for the night.

But I did like the sudden plot twist, overhearing Dick's statement of "love," and reacting quickly to it. Isn't it great the way female emotions can turn around on a dime? You sure got that right!


The List by Conceptfan

Not Cf's best. Does he need a bigger arena than 1,000 words? Or maybe he's spending too much time looking over his shoulder for the Blogger. Hey Cf, no point doing that. If she's coming for you, she's coming. Enjoy life while you can because no one can help you. Only the writer's pen can save you. Do you know Blogger's writer? Better make friends fast.

It just seemed a little artificial to me. The set-up and structure overwhelmed the action and dialogue. Not enough room for Cf's usual sexy descriptions, devastating displays of strength, and the cool despatch of worthless males.

Oh, oh. Just saw Blogger fly by. On the road to London. Do you think there's any point in calling Cf to warn him? Or maybe better to let him enjoy his last few minutes in peace.


The Pool Toy by YAGS

Although it didn’t make regulation weight (606 words over by my count), I’m happy to include it. I actually think it could have been cut by enough to make it and wish it had been.

Great opening descriptions. One gorgeous actress girlfriend replaced by another. Isn’t that the way it is in Hollywood? Yes it is, there. I wish life were really like that here, in England. I really do. In real life, we have one fat 50 year old receptionist replaced by a fat 55 year old receptionist.

Back to Lindsay.

I’m not sure about magic returning to the world (it never left) but I liked the idea of how she got her powers. How do you guys think of me? And I like Lindsay’s slow realization that, yes, the woman who has just lifted him in the air by his balls really does have super-strength. We guys are just like that. We know what the world is like, and we hate it when these illogical women try to tell us otherwise. But eventually we do have to accept it. Sigh.

Where the story fell down a bit and got too long for me, was the length of the dialogue. It had to be short to be within 1,000 words. Snappy sentences. Meanings conveyed with looks and glares and understood quickly.

On the other hand, too much of a good thing is … wonderful.


Next time we have all the space we need. Thanks guys.

Mark

SPOILER ALERTS!!! DON'T READ UNTIL YOU'VE READ THE STORIES.







"Dropping By", by WhitePaw.

I'd never read anything by White Paw, and this was GOOD. Very smart to focus on one scene, one very, very sexy scene. Flipping back and forth between description and well-chosen minimalist words of dialogue. Again, terrific economy of words, getting the most out of every one.

I guess that's what I was trying to say when I said that this story took advantage of the short format well.

Go by Whitepaw

This one didn't work for me. I found it hard to follow, but also, the action doesn't seem to take place in the story. Perhaps somewhere else in WP's mind. Or perhaps these are pre-existing characters and I don't know them. Sorry.

This story was based on the recent Titans cartoon, based on various versions of DC's Teen Titans or whatever other variation they're going by these days.

The Pool Toy by YAGS

Although it didn’t make regulation weight (606 words over by my count), I’m happy to include it. I actually think it could have been cut by enough to make it and wish it had been.

Great opening descriptions. One gorgeous actress girlfriend replaced by another. Isn’t that the way it is in Hollywood? Yes it is, there. I wish life were really like that here, in England. I really do. In real life, we have one fat 50 year old receptionist replaced by a fat 55 year old receptionist.

Back to Lindsay.

I’m not sure about magic returning to the world (it never left) but I liked the idea of how she got her powers. How do you guys think of me? And I like Lindsay’s slow realization that, yes, the woman who has just lifted him in the air by his balls really does have super-strength. We guys are just like that. We know what the world is like, and we hate it when these illogical women try to tell us otherwise. But eventually we do have to accept it. Sigh.

Where the story fell down a bit and got too long for me, was the length of the dialogue. It had to be short to be within 1,000 words. Snappy sentences. Meanings conveyed with looks and glares and understood quickly.

On the other hand, too much of a good thing is … wonderful.

Mark

Thanks for the feedback. I had actually started to trim it back to see if I could get it under 1000 words, but I thought it lost too much.

About the magic, I guess that part wasn't as clear as I'd hoped. I'm actually working on a series of stories based on the same setting - magic returning in force to the modern world. It would be kinda like the X-Men theme of a small percentage of people having abilities beyond normal. I've even got an intro that I tag on to the beginning of each of the stories in the series, but that's over 1000 words by itself, so I left it off. The last story I shared with others (which isn't complete, but I've shared 5 chapters) didn't have the intro, either, but that one covered the concept better. Again, I think the short word limit threw me off here.

The dialogue was intentional. I wanted to show his arrogant attitude towards her at the beginning of the story, then show her really enjoying torturing him later, both physically and psychologically. The dialogue was what got cut the most when I tried to shorten this thing down to 1000 words, and I just felt I lost too much of the texture of the story that way.

Again, thanks for the feedback.

YAGS

First off, I know it doesn't count, but I enjoyed every word of the Pool Toy and I am glad that YAGS did not shorten it.

It doesn't seem possible, but I am having an even harder time this month than last making a decision. I have read four of the stories four times each and every time I think I have it down to two, I change my mind.

Poor John. Is he the same John who had his powers stripped at age 16 by his Aunt Betty and is now being tormented by his old super girlfriend's super little sister?

And then there is Phil. He will have to live with that mistake for the rest of his life and worse, loose his knockout girlfriend to the biggest Uberbabe on the planet.



Which one will suffer more?

And you can bet David is kicking himself at this point (and may get kicked even harder by someone else in the future).

And lastly, I am such a Silver Age sucker with a thing for Linda. She is such a doll!

CF's entry just didn't do it for me. In all the other stories, it was a one on one where all the girls had at one time a loving relationship and were now upset that it had gone bad and showing the old "hell hath no fury" thing.
She was more just pissed off at the world in general. Still, I am quite sure that I never want to meet up with any of his girls!

Even though YAGS's story exceeded the 1000-word limit, it was told with impressive economy. In fact, I think it's an excellent model for anyone who decides to enter the next "short" workshop.

Lindsey confronts Derrick in the very first paragraph. The necessary back-story -- the history of their relationship, Lindsey's transformation into a superwoman -- is presented in a few lines of dialogue. The story abides by the "classical unities" of time, space, and action -- one setting, one time-frame.

And the dialogue was enjoyable as well as effective -- especially Lindsey's playing off Derrick's words ("nuts," "frigid," "space"). YAGS, now that you've finally taken the plunge, don't keep us waiting so long for your next story!

* * *

Lfan's stories are always enjoyable, and "Call Before You Come Over" is no exception -- although I think it would have been a little tighter and more effective if it had started with Karen ringing the doorbell of David's apartment instead of 200 words of back-story. Of all the acts of revenge concocted for this workshop, Karen's is the most imaginative!

(I recall a story from John Byrnes's run of The Fantastic Four in which She-Hulk crushes a safe to the size of a basketball and casually hands it to the bad guy ... with similar results.)

* * *

Gotta run. I'll post feedback on the other stories tomorrow, or PM the authors. Overall, another hugely enjoyable set of stories -- thanks to everyone who participated. I still haven't settled on a favorite ...

Ace191's story was turned in late and way over the word limit, so apparently no one's had a chance to read and review it yet. I guess that means I get to be the first.

First, let me start by pointing out that I like the action and ideas in this story. This review is likely to seem very negative, so I just wanted to make one thing clear up front: I wouldn't write such a detailed review if I thought it was a waste of my time. It's because I do like the story that I think it's worth offering specific advice on how to make it better.

With that said, and I hate to sound overly critical, but there's a lot to criticize in this story. Actually, it's mostly the same one criticism over and over.

Go back and read the rest of the reviews in this thread. The theme that keeps popping up is "economy of words", as Marknew so aptly put it. This is something that I probably haven't thought about enough in my past writing, but the word limit on this workshop really opened my eyes to that fact. Ironically, my story still came in way over the word limit. But I do think that's because I wanted to include so much in the story, not because I was overly wordy in how I wrote it.

My point here is that even if there isn't a word limit, the purpose of all writing is to convey a point efficiently. Key word - efficiently. Think about what you write. What's the purpose? What details are necessary to get the point across? What's the fewest number of words you can use to convey those details?

Now apply that to "Ultra Mistake". The first 1100 words are spent introducing the main characters to the reader and to each other. That's the entire point of those 1100 words. Do we really care what shift Rick works or why he worked late that night? Why Pearl's car battery died? What car Rick drives? That he doesn't have a phone?

It's good that you thought out the details of the story, but the next step would be to ask yourself which of those details really advance the plot of the story. Which ones will the reader really care about? The fact that Rick's car is old is actually relevant to the plot, so maybe mention it, but does the car really rate 200 words of description? In this type of fiction, the only thing that generally deserves that level of physical description is the uberbabe herself.

Similarly, it's over 100 words of her asking him out to dinner. Why? Why not just write: "Pearl insisted on taking Rick out to dinner to thank him." That's 11 words instead of 100. But then, the story loses a little bit of texture and detail. You've got to balance it out in your mind and decide how much detail to include, and how wordy to make it.

I could give more specific examples from the story, but I think you get my point. Here's a challenge for Ace191: Go back and see if you can get this story down to under 1000 words. I think I probably could, without losing any of the main plot or important action. Trying to cut my own story down in words that way was an extremely educational experience for me, and I really think you'd benefit from the exercise, as well.

Of course, you might end up reaching a point, as I did, where you decide that you're cutting too much, and you think it'll hurt the story. That's ok, too. The key is to be aware of it all. Don't just write. Think about what you're writing. Not just the content, but how the content is presented, and how much of the content really needs to be included. If you don't go back and edit your own work after you've written it, you probably should.

YAGS

PS. Of all places, why'd you pick Boca Raton, Florida as a location in the story? Are you from that area? I am, so I'm just curious.

Surely "mouth of the MOUSE", Lfan?

OK, more feedback on the workshop stories:

Marknew: Great story, with a slightly different approach to the theme -- instead of a spur-of-the-moment confrontation between an aggrieved superwoman and her ex, you present a revenge that's been going on for eight months with no end in sight. (Just how long can Lissa hold a grudge?) Especially effective was your presentation of John's state of mind in the bar and on the way home with his pick-up -- torn between hope and despair, between lust for Barbie and fear of Lissa's inevitable arrival. And the fact that we're told nothing of how their relationship ended or whether Lissa's grievance has any justification adds to the story's effect.

There's an intriguing suggestion that Barbie is super-powerful as well. If her surprise and indignation weren't presented as genuine, I might have wondered whether the pick-up was actually a set-up. Is it John's fate to be put through various kinds of hell by a series of uber girl friends? I see sequel possibilities here!

* * *

WhitePaw: The mousy-frump-turns-into-gorgeous-uberbabe is a scenario I always enjoy. In "Dropping By," you take its inherent sexiness to an entirely new level. The boudoir setting, the slow, provocative pace, and especially the superwoman's monologue made this the most erotically charged of the workshop stories -- definitely a contender for my vote! Oh -- and a great final line!

As for "Go" -- Sorry, but this one left me cold ... partly, no doubt, because I've only seen maybe one and a half episodes of the Teen Titans cartoon, but also because the "PO'd superwoman versus ex" theme seemed kind of peripheral.

* * *

Mikey: Recrimination, retaliation, reconciliation -- arguably, you may have tried to put too much into 1,000 words ... but the story works for me. I beg to differ from the readers who found it implausible that Linda didn't SHOW Dick that she's Supergirl instead of merely TELLING him. Their argument was about trust -- so it seems credible to me that Linda would want to see whether Dick was ready to accept her statement, at least provisionally. Refreshingly, Linda's revenge had more mischief than malice in it, and the story ended on an upbeat note. Another contender for my vote (and I'm looking forward to reading the newly posted chapters of "Bolt from the Blue").

* * *

Conceptfan: Nobody does the extended, multi-chaptered ubergirl sagas better than you -- but the "short" format doesn't seem to play to your strengths. "The List" has a strong premise, but it reads more like a synopsis of a longer story than a stand-alone "short." Ah, well -- even Homer had his off days ...

* * *

Thanks again, everybody!!!

I normally make it a rule at work never to reply to a “hostile e-mail” without sleeping on it over night, but since I am not at work, I am going to ignore that rule.

I originally had no intention of trying to write a story for this workshop
as 1) I didn’t have any good ideas and 2) I was taking my family on a long car trip from Phoenix to Yellowstone. 11 days before our scheduled departure my daughter got sick. We took her to the doctor, but she said it was just a virus. Two days later we were back with a much sicker child and a Temp to 101. A chest x-ray revealed left lung pneumonia and she was started on antibiotics. 2 days later I was back in the office with a very sick child with a temp of 104. They came to the conclusion that an antibiotic switch was in order and put her on a different 6 day course. Thankfully, she got better quickly and seemed fine the day before we left after finishing her antibiotics.

We left PHX and headed up to Lake Powell which was beautiful. The next day (Sunday) we went up to Bryce Canyon. She started coughing again, and was a little short of breath. We spent the night in Richfield Utah where she had chills and developed a fever. Once you go north of Salt Lake, you have left civilization in this part of the world. We decided the next morning that the better part of valor would be make the 10 hr drive back to PHX.

As I was sitting in the doctor’s office with her the next day, I was trying to think of what I could do to salvage the vacation and do something productive. I had recently read a really great 8 part series called Ultra by the Luna brothers. By changing the plot just a little, it was easy to fit it into the workshop theme.

Her x-ray showed that her small pneumonia had cleared, but she had a much larger one which made us glad we returned, The doctor thought that they had just not gone long enough with the second antibiotic so they would try it again for 12 days. He said if she did ok, it would be alright to go over to San Diego and hang out as there is plenty of medical help available if needed.

I ran a few errands and then came up with the idea that if I took my wife’s laptop and a keyboard with me to San Diego I might have time to write something and PARTICIPATE in the workshop. In San Diego, my daughter improved but my wife got sick (this may have just been a clever ploy on her part to get me to take her to the shopping malls instead of the beach). In what little time I spent in the hotel room, I worked on the story. I knew that I would not get back to PHX until just about deadline time which is why I asked for the extra five hrs. I made the 7 hr drive home with my very rough draft and then spent three hours correcting spelling errors and poor word choices. That night, I thought I downloaded it to the site, but the mail program on her computer was not set up right to do it and it sent it to word
instead.

Now as far as following the rules goes, if any of my elementary school principles or my Junior High boy’s vice-principle were still alive, without checking the records they could tell you that I have a long track record of not paying particularly close attention to “the rules”.

In regards to my story, I am reminded of the tale of a strapping lumberjack
Who went into a bordello. He disrobed and his young female companion
took one look at his small penis and began laughing. She said, “Who do you think you are going to satisfy with that?” “Myself” he answered.

I was hoping to get some feedback on my story about the car part, but not exactly what I got. Of course the reason that I know that the intake manifold is in the block is because at one time, I had the “joy” of double locking two nuts on each of 22 rusted frozen studs and twisting them out one by one, a two night job. The Rambler of course wasn’t just Rick’s car, it was my first! My dad went down to a junk yard (in today’s political correctese an auto salvage yard) where for $15 the guy pried a head that wasn’t cracked off. Another 25 bucks to the machine shop and 8/1000ths later, I had a serviceable head. I replaced two broken exhaust valves and hand lapped them and at age 16, I had transportation! And yes, it had been my grandmother’s car.

There is a great Saturday radio computer show on KTAR (available on web cast). They describe their show as “edutainment”. In regards to the Boca Raton line, next time you are in a supermarket check out line, pick up the Weekly World News, The Globe or The Enquirer and read the fine print.

And lastly, if I make this kind of effort to get a story in and end up with this much grief for doing so, I am afraid that I am going to have to ask the administrators for triple my usual fee for my contributions!

Only once have I been in the vicinity of an honest-to-goodness barroom brawl -- and my overriding concern at the time was to figure out an "exit strategy." So I'm a little nervous about stepping in here ...

YAGS: In fairness to Ace, he wasn't submitting a 1,000-word story ... he was submitting a full-length story on the "PO'd superwoman" theme for the enjoyment of his fellow SWManiacs. No doubt he could have turned it into a "short" by starting later in dramatic time and cutting heavily -- but since that wasn't his intention, I think your criticism is somewhat misdirected.

Details that would overburden a "short" can be entirely appropriate in a full-length story. To answer some of your own questions: It matters that Rick works the night shift, that he drives a clunker, and that he doesn't have a phone because those details SHOW that he needs to watch his expenses. Ten lines of dialogue are better than "She insisted on thanking him with dinner at a fancy restaurant" because they give the scene immediacy and because they reveal something of the characters' states of mind (for example, Rick's embarrassment at not having his own phone).

Ace: YAGS's criticisms may have been somewhat "off point," but they seem to have been well-intentioned -- certainly not "hostile." And I do agree with one of them -- namely, the sheer volume of information pertaining to Rick's automobiles. Obviously, you're interested in automobiles and know a great deal about them; and it's natural to want to bring that enthusiasm to the stories you write. But I think a lot of that detail went beyond the purpose of adding a bit to realistic texture to the story or establishing that Rick is a bit of a "motor-head."

You've posted two highly entertaining stories in the past few weeks. I think you have impressive story-telling instincts, and I hope you continue to contribute to the genre. Please don't take an occasional bit of well-meaning criticism amiss.

[Argonaut signs off with two black eyes, muttering " 'Blessed are the peacemakers,' my ass!"]

Ah, well -- even Homer had his off days ...

D'Oh!

Never mind the critics guys, it's well-documented that all they're good for is making a noise by rubbing their legs together...

That said:

Quite a few have suggested that my style sits in a 1000-word seat rather like an elephant sits in an egg-cup. Probably true, but I enjoyed the challenge.

Hardly anything of the usual descriptions and "slow-mo" action? Definitely. With the wind blowing in the right direction and the right mix of "writer's little helpers" in my bloodstream, I might have churned out a thousand words describing the character's left breast. It would probably have been a better read, but it wouldn't have fulfilled the remit. It was tough fitting BOTH her breasts AND the rest of her AND a story into the limit. Tough, but fun, too.

That there was no history of love between the protagonists in my story - guilty as charged. But, what did you expect? I'm not very good at the whole "woman- in- love- with- just- one- man- who- she- adores- as- an- equal" thing, am I!

Still, I really enjoyed the 1000-word challenge and I'll take part in the next one, too. And thanks for the criticism - hopefully I might learn something from it for next time. Probably not though, given my track record...

As for the other stories (spoilers alert):

"Call before you come over" - great use of supersenses, building a feeling of the girl's power before she uses her strength. Nice humour ("So handsome... so caring... so dead"/"Hi Barbie. Is Ken home?") The story was credible. The crushed car bit was wonderful - something for all Freudians to ponder...

"The Pick-Up" was also very enjoyable and very sexy. It unfolded beautifully as the poor fellow's predicament becomes clear, and the reasons for his fears are revealed. I particularly enjoyed John's humiliation and the sense of his hoplessness at the conclusion.

"Dropping By" was also a lot of fun: Nice and compact and, as someone else said, a great slow (within the word limit) revelation of the supergirl in all her glory which worked well as a story and also on the erotic level. And a great last line, too.

"Go". Sorry, this lost me completely. I've dropped acid in a foreign country where I didn't speak the language and been less bewildered.

"Revelation Night". To my surprise, I enjoyed this one. It wasn't to my personal taste sexually because Supergirl was just too "nice." But it was a sweet love story, well-told and it held my attention to the end. I didn't think that her reactions were unrealistic given her personality, and the ending fitted the story and the fantasy it promotes perfectly. (Well done for getting all those moods into 1000 words, too, Mikey.)

Now for the 2 stories that didn't make the "cut"...

First up, YAGS and Ace, thanks for submitting your work even though it didn't qualify for the poll. Ace - I know where you're coming from re. the difficulty in writing as a family man... thanks for making the effort. Yeah, sure, both YAGS and Ace COULD have trimmed their stories to fit, but.. they didn't want to. At least they submitted SOMETHING. The more stories there are in the bank, the better. Simple as that.

"The Pool Toy" - No prizes for guessing that this was up my alley. Girl victimising man with her superpowes... and loads of superbreath too - great stuff. I loved the dialogue - Lindsey really shows off her superiority with her retorts as much as with her actions.

"Ultra Mistake" - [A quick word on behalf of evil tabloid paparazzi and journalists. They're what make celebs what they are. They make them famous and keep them high on the public consciousness so that the undeserving, self-indulgent arseholes can command ridiculously and disproportionately huge wages for the "work" they do.] Now the story. I agree that it did begin a little slow (cars leave me cold) but once it got going, it was great. I loved Pearl's tracking down of the one who wronged her - the unstoppable supergirl on a quest is always enjoyable. The way she injures Rick was very imaginative too - a great use of superpowers. I also liked the onimous ending - you know that Rick's troubles have only just begun.

Overall, a great batch of stories in my opinion. Thanks for the entertainment guys. Roll on the next workshop!

And to everyone who didn't submit anything at all (especially those who said they would and then didn't): 1 month to write a 1000 words, guys. You could have submitted 500 words even. Shame on yous. I really hope you all take part next time.

Well, looking on the bright side, at least LFAN didn't make us move our desks!

Ace,

Sorry if my criticism came off as "hostile". That really wasn't my intent. I was mostly just trying to point out that even long stories sometimes have too much material in them, which make the story longer for no real reason. Especially in this type of fiction, keeping things to the point is a good idea. Some amount of detail can be good, but there is such a thing as taking it too far, even in a longer story.

As I said in the initial post, it's only because I liked the story that I offered advice on how to improve your writing. If I thought you sucked too badly to improve, I wouldn't have bothered. And let's face, if any of us were too good to improve, we'd be writing professionally, not for this web site.

YAGS

Purrrrr.
<stretches out>

Can't scratch out a story inside 1000 words? Pppplease.

Thanks for the kind reviews, and yeah, "Go!" was a hairball.

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Can we declare LFan the winner now and move on?

I'm ready for the next one.

Love,
-White Paw

Hey guys and gals, question for you.

Being always hungry for feedback and not at all subject to ego bruising, I'm very curious about what y'all didn't like about my story, such as:

* Too little super-power action
* Nothing really happened
* Wasn't really clear what happened
* Didn't like Superlass -- cold bitch
* Didn't like Superlass -- hate red hair on supervixens
* Didn't like John because he didn't unfasten Barbie's bra quickly enough

And,
* Did you want Superlass to be MORE pissed off and MORE violent?
* Did you want Barbie to have superpowers too and to beat up John for leading her on and not coming through with the goods?

All criticism and comments happily accepted.

Great competition and congrats to Lfan!

Mark

* Did you want Superlass to be MORE pissed off and MORE violent?
* Did you want Barbie to have superpowers too and to beat up John for leading her on and not coming through with the goods?

Goes without saying, Mark. :wink:

* Did you want Superlass to be MORE pissed off and MORE violent?
* Did you want Barbie to have superpowers too and to beat up John for leading her on and not coming through with the goods?

Goes without saying, Mark. :wink:

Yeah, but it's always fun to say it.