SGInc Story Workshop 1.5 Comments

I've read MarkNew's new story, and it is brilliant as always. I'm looking forward to all of the others, particularly the continuation of Conceptfan's remarkably creative Randolph and Kim and Argonaut's mythologically inspired Atalanta series . Thanks for all of the hard work, everybody! It is much appreciated!

Whitepaw, your opus is AWESOME! Actually, I'm not sure awesome is sufficient to describe how good it is, but it'll have to do. I love your work and hope you keep writing these undefinably good stories.

Whitepaw, your opus is AWESOME! Actually, I'm not sure awesome is sufficient to describe how good it is, but it'll have to do. I love your work and hope you keep writing these undefinably good stories.

Aw...tanks, Jumpy. :oops:
I'm still pawing through the others...
Here's a pinch from WW3.0b's
wardrobe for th' wuv:

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Love,
-White Paw

Loved it, Whitepaw. Reckon Yohashuan will love it too!

Prrrrr.

Yeah, not sure if I wrote WW3.0b before or after Yosh got hitched and dropped out though. He's still around actually...once every 6 months or so I hear from him. Yeah, he's the one that put me onto Francine Dee as a photohack model back in the day. And yeah, his "Serena" was the piece that first inspired me to write in this genre. I still gotta tip hat to the little guy as my sensai.

And yeah, WW3.0b inspired "Brimstone Nights", my workshop 2.2 entry that I just wrote this week. I'm getting better w/ practice. Workshop 2's 1000-word limit inspires much more compact thinking, less slop. "Pappa Smurf" won't fit inside 1000 words, but we do what we can--that whole 'transformational warefare' thing the Petagon's big into nowadays

Brantley...um...where's your workshop entries? Comaaawn....ya know ya wannu! We wantcha to too!

Love,
-White Paw.

Well, I think you cheated, White Kitty, and you know what I mean. :twisted:

Anyway, all the entries were wonderful, as usual. It was great to hear from Argonuat once again. Atalanta is a wonderful character. Someone I could definately be friends with.

DKC's was good, but it seems unfinished. Almost as if he submitted it without worrying about tying anything up. I'd love to see how that one pans out in the end. A GREAT premise. Something different.

Conceptfan. LOL. Anticlimatic woul dbe an understatement. All that build-up, but it makes perfect sense. Kimberly is one of the more humorous villains.

Marknew. I love your writing. However, I've seen this story from you before. I thought this was a perfect way to use Brandi again, actually. Good job, though! I still enjoyed it.

I really enjoy these workshops. You realize more material gets produced here than most anywhere else? It's amazing what this has done for the genre, even if it is just a handful doing the work.

Well, I have an idea for a rescue theme short. If I can find time, I'll do it. But I've been pretty busy with the e-book Velvet and I are collaborating on (PEGASUS GATE), an AU story for TBE (THE HIGH CRUEL YEARS) and a script for the Steele Productions video series (DAYMARES).

Hey, Whitepaw, can I put up WW3 at TBE after the contest is through with it? I'd like to have at least one of your stories mirrored at my site.

Marknew. I love your writing. However, I've seen this story from you before. I thought this was a perfect way to use Brandi again, actually. Good job, though! I still enjoyed it.

Umm, Ultragirl, I think you read the wrong story. My story for this workshop is "Shooting Supergirl". Brand spanking new, hot off the keyboard. I promise!

OK. It's been four days now, so I'm going to post my comments on the stories in the naive hope that it might prompt other people to do likewise.

These thoughts are mine, the opinions of one sick, bitter, twisted man. Take them or leave them as you wish - they're worthless. And don't read them until you've read the stories because the plots will be spoiled for you if you do. Anyway, in alphabetical order by title:

"How Atalanta Kept the Bridge: Conclusion" by Argonaut. I have really enjoyed the whole Atalanta story. Argo, you've told the story well. The action is clear and fun to follow, the characters well-defined and their motivations understandable. The key point is that I found myself wanting to know what would happen.

I really enjoyed Atalanta's growing confidence in her powers, the ingenious ways she uses them to deal with the army and the scenes where she shows her total command, especially when she addresses the captive army while dangling its commander over a ravine.

I've got two criticisms for you, which you're welcome to ignore. Firstly, I thought it was a real shame that we never got any detail at all of Atalanta smashing up the catapault. It would have been a great opportunity for some descriptions of ubergirl action - her strength as she lifts, bends and snaps the huge beams, her invulnerability as she crushes parts of the contraption against her body - not to mention the helplessness of Egeus and his men as they watch her in awe.

My other moan is that the story is just too damn nice. If it was a film - sorry, "movie" - what certificate would it get? "PG"? "U"? You can imagine it as a Disney film... I'm not talking about mindless violence and gore right now, I just mean: where's the sexy bits, man?


"Kyrptonian Hunter" by DKC. This was great fun, a very entertaining read. We've got several strands of story coming together: the action-adventure with Hetman the cyborgish hitman which lends the whole thing a thriller feel. Then we have Kyla, "coming out" in all her sexy glory (and it really is gloriously sexy the way DKC depicts it). On top of that we have the political intrigue of the Alorian royalty and the President. Gripping!

I loved the way Kyla changes throughout the story, from mild-mannered, baggily-dressed recluse to increasingly self-assured sex-bomb and then unstoppable supergirl. I particularly appreciated the contrast between Hetman's weapon being utterly devastating against the Alorian family in the first scene and his armoury having almost no effect against Kyla later on. Of course, I loved Kyla going "bad", too. And I thought the last line of the story was wonderful.

Criticisms? My main one is regarding the wife of the Alorian prince. You set her up so brilliantly. I was bristling with anticipation as you describe the couple's arrival, expecting to see her in action, but I was disappointed. The way you depict her body towards the end make me think it was an even greater shame that she never got to use her powers... Also, I'd love to know what happens next. Does the red kyrptonite in Kyla's blood wear off? Do the Alorian royals return? Does their plan succeed?


"Randolph and Kim - Chapters 5-8" by Conceptfan. Everyone knows I only play one tune. Folks either like it or they don't. Either way, they don't seem to be bothered to comment. Cheers.

"Shooting Supergirl" by MarkNew. There are two things I love about your work. First, you appreciate that the whole notion of supergirls is erotic, and you always bring this to the fore. Second, you have a tremendous sense of fun which is always present. The opening scene of "Shooting" for example, had great comedy value as Supergirl uses her charms to tease, distract and embarrass the TV interviewer. But the descriptions of her body in that scene are also extremely sexy. Plus, of course, the feeling of her power over the poor chap adds to that sexiness. I was totally hooked on the story from there onwards.

I loved the scene in which Supergirl enters the villains' hideout, smashing her way up through the floor. So powerful! And then the arrogant ease with which she takes care of the thugs (even finding time to tease them with her super-nipples) - great stuff.

There's always a touch of pantomine about your villains which makes it all the more entertaining. But the depiction of Leila gaining Supergirl's powers is wonderful. I can't be alone in finding the fate of Leila's (and later her sister's) underwired bras extremely, er, engrossing. Then, we had the surprise plot twists (not one but two) upping the enjoyment value. I dug the fall of the arrogant supergirl almost as much as the rise of first one then the other villanous supergirl.

My biggest complaints are all concerned with the ending. I know that you like to leave us wanting more, but I just felt the story ended too soon. I really want to know what happens with Lacey and Superman and what Lacey intends to do with all that power. You could have said "To be continued". Instead you just leave me hanging there!

Sequel, please.


"World War 3.0 Public Beta" by Whitepaw. It's the only one I didn't like, but I think I'm in a small minority with that opinion. I'm going to say why, for the record, but please don't take it personally - it's a critique of a story not it's writer and I really hope you keep sending your stories. My opinion isn't worth anything, of course, but anyway here it is:

You write from the heart, stream-of-conscious style. It's very raw, very direct. You're welcome to tell me to f*** off, but (personally) I really think you should take more time, plan a bit, and read back through the story afterwards tidying it a bit.

I don't know military jargon well, I haven't played many computer games and I never understood the appeal of dungeons and dragons-style role-playing, none of which helped me but to be frank, I really got lost so badly, so many times, as I ploughed through that by the time I worked out what was going on (oh, Papa Smurf is a TANK. oh, Rosebud is a nuke, oh, it's a game. No it's not. Yes it is, but the girl is real - how?) the twist(s) didn't work for me. I just didn't know what was going on. You personify a tank and then have things exploding "under his feet" and I have to go back a few paragraphs and check if I've missed a male character.

I should have really loved this - it's got everything I like. Invulnerable, sexy girl surviving all kinds of weapons assaults and showing her strength. My problem was I was thrown time and again by your choice of words. You seem to be sponsored by the Similie Foundation: everything is "like" something, but sometimes that really detracts from the action. At one point you depict a weapon being crushed by the girl's breasts (one of my favourite fantasies) as being like "Mrs. Pacman" I start thinking about a pie-shaped 1980s arcade character with a bow eating dots and all the sexiness just vanishes. The girl gets bigger and bigger, then smaller. According to your descriptions, one minute she's huge, the next she's svelte but with basketball breasts and muscles - I just couldn't picture her, as much as I tried. At one point, you say her breasts "elongate" ("swell", "expand", "grow" - all sexy. "elongate" - freaky and disturbing) and then you describe her nipples as six inches long and resembling "footballs" (American ones, I guess, not the spherical ones non US/Canadians automatically think of) - so they taper to a point at both ends? The image in my mind at that point was confused and anything but sexy.

At the end, you describe her approaching Lincoln - "She crawled seductively toward him like a prowling cat, barring her cleavage swinging beneath her in his full view like an executioner swinging her double axe.."
Is that barring, as in she's just like a cat except for her breasts - she's furry, with pointy ears, a tail, fangs, shits on your carpet, pukes dead mice on your dormat etc? Or does it mean she's displaying her chest and her movements are as gracefully sleek as a feline? How is it like an axe? In shape? In the way it's being swung? That should have been a really erotic passage, but I kept being distracted from all the potential sexiness by things like that.

These are just personal opinions, but I thought I'd throw them out in the open and maybe even provoke a response. I really hope there's a barrage of replies explaining why I'm being stupid, ignorant, rude and arrgoant as the amount of feedback on all the stories up until now has been disappointing.

That's it from me. I have to go and get a refill before the lunchtime crowd start arriving. Same again, please, barman. No ice this time.

Marknew. I love your writing. However, I've seen this story from you before. I thought this was a perfect way to use Brandi again, actually. Good job, though! I still enjoyed it.

Umm, Ultragirl, I think you read the wrong story. My story for this workshop is "Shooting Supergirl". Brand spanking new, hot off the keyboard. I promise!

No. That's not what I meant. The formula is much the same as couple other stories. Sorry I wasn't more clear. :oops:

Maybe it's the fact that Supergirl loses her powers in the course of the story.

Yes, I admit I've done that before and I will do it again. And again. And again, to her and to her ultrarighteous and somewhat dense cousin, Superman. Take THAT super-goody-twoshoes!

I do enjoy it so much!

Yes, I admit I've done that before and I will do it again. And again. And again, to her and to her ultrarighteous and somewhat dense cousin, Superman. Take THAT super-goody-twoshoes!

That's why I love this guy.

My thoughts on the other stories:

I DO like CF's Kim very much. What the story lacks in drama and plot development it more than makes up in the scrumptious descriptions of Kim's body, with and without the bikini, the attitudes and speech of her annoying teenage friends who are just as shallow and dislikeable as Kim but in enjoyably different ways, her completely realistic indifference to her parents, Randolph's pathetic failure to accomplish anything useful and then, the heartwarming idea of that pink blur of a girl hurtling wherever she wants, doing whatever she wants, to whomever she wants, with no worries of consequences (to herself, that is). The epitome of a Super Bad Girl. And cute too!

I liked Argonaut's very much too. Like CF, I thought it was a bit too PG, but also like CF's it was very well-written, with a consistent style and terrific portrayal of a sincere, honest character doing a heckuva good job coping with her new powers and responsibilities. My own preference is for more shades of grey in characters that are intended to be human (yes, I know there's very little grey in Leila or Lacey, but they're bad gals from central casting) but I do enjoy the shades of uncertainty and vulnerability in Atalanta's psychic makeup, even though her heart is completely pure.

I'm a bit of a dissenter on DKC. There were elements I liked an awful lot, especially when Cayla came into her own at the end and like CF I really liked the transformation from sweatshirt clad dull mouse to ravishing ravaging rampaging superheroine. Great attitude at the end. Great body. What WILL she do next? Any more of that Red K available? But the story needed a bit more dot-connecting for my taste. As was the case with my reading of some of the stories in the last workshop, it may be my problem that I don't know the genre literature well enough, so some of you may have more inherent familiarity with Hetman and Alorians. But there were flashes of pure pleasure for me.

And now Whitepaw. Well, I had to read this three times to understand what was going on here. Not being a video game player or having served my country in the Top Gun kind of way, much of the action and imagery left me pretty cold. That brings me to the language. Hmmmm. It's colourful and rich but ... I also found that most of it, um, misfired. Let's look at a sample near the end of the story.

She playfully bounced her monster breasts on her pecks quivering as she slapped her own hands heavily.

Her breasts are slapping her hands? Okay. But if there's so much muscle, how can they quiver? And I find "monster" breasts to be the opposite of sexy. Monstrously large, to me, is the opposite of attractive. Monsters are ugly. I like my breasts to be spectacular, huge, ginormous even, but not monstrous.

Her slabs of ash-smeared abs quivered in waves as she grasped a handful each of her throbbing nipples.

Again, muscular abs don't quiver. Not physically at least, and quivering sounds cowardly to me anyway. They might ripple with power. They might dance. But each of those words helps get across the message of great muscular control as well as size. Quivering is the opposite of power and control. And, gasp, handfuls of throbbing nipples? Just how big are they? Bigger than her fists, it sounds. I don't know about that.

Her chest unfurled with muscles

How does a chest unfurl? It can expand or contract, flex or relax, be dressed or undressed. But furl and unfurl? Unless it's as thin and rollable as a piece of cloth, how can it? And I know from previous paragraphs that her chest is neither thin nor rollable. This lady will not be rolled!

My point is that there is something wonderfully colourful and attractive in WP's writing, but also something that dissipates its effect, as if when you read it closely the explosion implodes, swallowing itself before engulfing me.

So there's the opinion of another writer.

Great competition. Let's do it again.

Fair enough, and well reviewed, Mr. Marknew. To all my friends: you can stop defending me now, thank you. I'll take it from here

I've never served in the forces nor played much of those kind of games either. I wrote ww3.0b after a single carcinogenic night of lan party w/ my church friends (of all people) playing Battlefield 1942…mostly getting shot. There, like here, you can just FEEL the wuv.

I also wrote it 2 years ago.

Cheating, some would say. Fair handicapping I’d reply. I had hesitation in entering the workshops to begin with, but found it sat better with me to enter with 2 years of writing experience tied behind my back. Yeah, WW3.0b's quite corny by my standards today.

I just write differently than the rest of you is all. Metaphor is my weapon of choice. Come at me with mere adjectives and adverbs and you will be sliced asunder like so much lifeless driftwood.

That--and a bit of rhythm.

Complex? Hardly. WW3.0b is one from my simple-minded side, on the same shelf as my "Bubblegum" (for the mind), and "Laundry". Twice through reading should suffice. A mere 15 pages or so, the last 3 all in ‘wrap up’, I consider ww3.0b quite gentle on your endurances.

Try my "Tangerine Dreams" if you're looking for exotic flavor that lasts and lasts through read after intricately mind-woven read. Still, if your mind survived ‘The Matrix” intact, my writing should pose little or no challenge—I’m really no more complex or intricate than that. Then again…try my "Tankers Ball"—the monster story of mine that’s so complex I had to color-code the scene frames and STILL none survive the read.

Well, “Freshmark”, at least WW3.0b made you stop and think about her breasts…in tactile detail. Mission accomplished. :twisted:

Anywho, “Brimstone Nights” is headed your way for Workshop 2.2 (already submitted). I’m sure that will answer to all of your ww3.0b concerns.

I wrote “Brimstone” pretty much yesterday. Its quite topical.

Love it or hate it, I write as I always have: to return the wuv to all of my fans. I hold BOTH of them dear.

Write on!
Love,
-White Paw

Hmmm ... Should I have included a description of Atalanta demolishing the catapult?

I did think about it, and even though the deadline was impending, I'm sure I could have squeezed out a few hundred words along those lines. But I decided against it. My feeling was that it would have interrupted the momentum of the story. Atalanta's problem at that point in the story was what to do with Egeus and the captive Argolians. Smashing the catapult was a mere detail. Hence the ellipsis.

But tell you what I'm gonna do, CF and lfan! As a gesture of thanks for your generous encouragement of my fledgling efforts as a writer, and for your kind words about my princess ... I'm going to write a description of Atalanta smashing up the catapult. You can expect it by, oh, say, Christmas. And maybe admin can tack it on to the end of Part III -- kind of like the "deleted scenes" feature from the DVD release of a movie.

As for the absence of "sexy bits" (CF) ... Isn't the image of a tall, beautiful, sleekly muscular young woman, clad in a short sleeveless tunic and performing feats of superhuman strength, swiftness, and endurance -- isn't that image inherently sexy (at least to the pervs who frequent this site)? And didn't the waterfall scene do anything for you?

I know what you mean, though -- and the Atalanta series (which I hope to continue indefinitely) will remain pretty "PG." (By the way, what does "U" mean?) I do have a few ideas for more overtly erotic ubergirl stories -- maybe a future workshop theme will give me the spur to write one of them.

"Nice"? (CF) "Pure of heart"? (Marknew) Thank you, gents -- that's just what I was aiming for! CF, if I had half your talent and a quarter of your output, I'd be setting up "Argonaut's Super Good Girls" -- right across the street from your shop!

I do appreciate your comments (UG, CF, lfan, Mark) -- I hope my rebuttals don't seem overly defensive. I've been especially gratified by CF's fondness for Atalanta, considering that in so many ways she's the diametric opposite of his ladies!

Now if you'll excuse me ... It's been a tight week, but now I've got stories to read, feedback to send, and a vote to cast.

Regards to all,
Argonaut

Well, “Freshmark”, at least WW3.0b made you stop and think about her breasts…in tactile detail. Mission accomplished.

It sure did. And I'll do it all over again. Which is why I've joined your Yahoo group. I'm just not sure I can picture them.

I will, however, steer well clear of those larger-than-fist-size-nipples. Somebody might get hurt out there.

By the way, what does "U" mean?

A U in the UK = G in the US.

(By the way, what does "U" mean?)

Thanks for the translation, Mark. "U" stands for "Universal" - suitable for all, parental guidance not neccessary...

But tell you what I'm gonna do, CF and lfan! As a gesture of thanks for your generous encouragement of my fledgling efforts as a writer, and for your kind words about my princess ... I'm going to write a description of Atalanta smashing up the catapult. You can expect it by, oh, say, Christmas. And maybe admin can tack it on to the end of Part III -- kind of like the "deleted scenes" feature from the DVD release of a movie.

Absolutely. I'd say that was the least you could do

As for the absence of "sexy bits" (CF) ... Isn't the image of a tall, beautiful, sleekly muscular young woman, clad in a short sleeveless tunic and performing feats of superhuman strength, swiftness, and endurance -- isn't that image inherently sexy (at least to the pervs who frequent this site)?

Yes it is, Argo. To this perv anyway.

And didn't the waterfall scene do anything for you?

Yes it did. But I'm greedy. I wanted it to do MORE...

I do have a few ideas for more overtly erotic ubergirl stories -- maybe a future workshop theme will give me the spur to write one of them.

Make sure you throw those ideas into the hat the next time Lfan's looking for workshop themes!

CF, if I had half your talent and a quarter of your output, I'd be setting up "Argonaut's Super Good Girls" -- right across the street from your shop!

You've got all the talent, no worries there. And it's about quality and not quantity. So that's your two excuses sunk...

I've been especially gratified by CF's fondness for Atalanta, considering that in so many ways she's the diametric opposite of his ladies!

I aim to gratify... I liked Atalanta because I've been entertained by the originality of the story and the highly readable way you told it - even if it didn't push all of my perv-buttons.

Well I guess I’ll jump in. CF and Mnew were dead on with there analysis of Argonauts story. A fun read, well written and very PG. My advice, write a story with the girl being a bit more naughty maybe even a down right bitch. You won’t be able to help but give it an M rating and CF loves that shit=). Hey don’t look at me CF slipped me a few pounds to say that.

I read Mnews story and after the first few paragraphs thought this is where my vote is going and then the story tapered off. Still a great read like always but it didn’t finish as powerfully as it started. I’m still crossing my fingers for another Jilly Milly style story from ya=)

CF’s story is about another busty teen that’s bestowed with super strength and in turn becomes a fucking maniac. I loved it. My only complaint is that you built up Randolph’s weapon up so much that it almost seemed like a waste for it to be destroyed in a nano second. Other then that, right on dude. Keep up the great work. And in the words of Anon, I too have an un submitted story quite similar to yours. However, soon enough I intend to post it. Thanks for the inspirations=)

White Paw, You lambasted me with figurative and metaphorical language. For that…I hate you. I walked into a lamppost the other day just thinking of it. Got to be careful with that kind of narrative, we Canadians can’t handle that much of a sensory overload=>.

As for my own story. I have no idea what an Alorian is either. I made them up based on the lack of knowledge I had on Velorian and Arions. So I just sorta combined the two. The only thing I felt the reader had to know was while Alorians were tough, they were much weaker then a Kyrptonian. I also removed a large portion of the story which explained in maybe too much detail the connection between Hetman and the family he killed. But to sum it up, Hetman is part of a Squadron of troops that, for reasons based on blind anger, find themselves massacring a small village. It was the Alorian mother and father that stopped the massacre. They killed the entire squad and left Hetman as a quadriplegic. The Government covers it up, finds his body and turns it into a prototype weapon to secretly combat Alorian interference on earth. Hetman feel guilty for what he did, but masks that guilt with his hatred for all Alorians.

And as for the Project. Hey. It’s the final chapter. I gotta hold onto it before I submit it. In case I have any last second changes =)

Good job all…lookin forward to the next Ws

White Paw, You lambasted me with figurative and metaphorical language. For that…I hate you. I walked into a lamppost the other day just thinking of it. Got to be careful with that kind of narrative, we Canadians can’t handle that much of a sensory overload=>.

[raspy voice] "Keep et douun....this is a laibrary." [/raspy voice]

<giggle>

[wisper] Oh, sorry, my bad. I get that lamppost thing all the time. Didn't notice the weather, I'll try an cover up more. :wink: [/whisper]

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Love,
-White Paw