SGInc "Short" Story Workshop 2.3 Poll and Comments

My not so brief thoughts on the first five stories:

A Little Less Conversation
by BW

You have good writing in this story, but you need to keep chiselling away until you get to it. For example, your opening paragraph should have just been cut down to:

“John was watching the Rams-Vikings game on television while Melinda was doing a little housework. She was trying to vacuum around John but he wasn’t budging. She smiled and with one hand grabbed the base of the couch and lifted it into the air!”

Cut the first two sentences. “It was an ordinary day...,” is an unspectacular opening line. You clearly identify Melinda as Mindy Marvel five short paragraphs later, so what need is there for the rather bland: “Days like this were rare since Melinda’s transformation into the superheroine Mindy Marvel”? Is lifting the couch with one arm not enough of a clue for the reader that Melinda is super?

Getting rid of the first two sentences gets you to the attention grabbing couch lifting that much quicker.

Or how about the dialogue exchange after “She streaked through the city as the people looked up”? You don't introduce the men who speak it, so why pretend to? You could just leave the dialogue, it explains itself:

“It’s a bird.”

“It’s a plane.”

“You’re right, that is a plane…but there’s a flying girl over
there!”

“I think you need to stop drinking before noon”

As for the rest of your story, the puns were almost too painful, but part of the fun, but your action suffered from a serious lack of drama. You need to create some sort of meaningful conflict. Give Mindy Marvel a challenge!

Or you could go the other route, ala conceptfan, whose stories are descriptions of how little challenge everything and anything is to an ubergirl. These stories revel in indulgence, and often the only “tension” is that experienced by the victims. In other words – cf stories are equal parts “destruction porn” and horror.

Which lets me transition smoothly to:

Perfect Timing
by Conceptfan

Good and as always, wonderfully written. This has just the right amount of story for the thousand word limit (Something I definitely need to work on). The strongest part of the story is how you turn the “ubergirl to the rescue” theme on its head. Brilliant.

In the end this is more solid Conceptfan work. The story's only weakness is your own success. You've created you're own personal subgenre, of which, this is just another example.

Daphne Does Baby Sitting
by Daphne Orgone

I liked this story a lot. Right now this gets my vote.

This is a triumph of character and storytelling over plot. The Daphne character is so likeable, this scene is so efficiently and cheerful written that despite there being absolutely no conflict – do we ever believe the robber is going get away with anything more than accidently waking the girls? - this scene work.

I love the setup, too. A supergirl desperately needing a baby sitting job? That's worth the price of admission alone. Great last line.

Rescue Him Now!
by Marknew

In the first 80% of the story you do so much so well: with amazing efficiency you develop an alternate reality populated with superwomen, establish Emilia as the “other woman,”and show a very sexy seduction. Then Sara arrives.

If it wasn't for Sara's ultra-virtuous manner, I think I would understand this story. Unfortunately, as it stands, I feel like a new element was added in the last 5 paragraphs. Is she some sort of super-morality cop? Maybe this is simply a product of your belief that 1000 word stories shouldn't stand on their own.

Snow Angel
by Argonaut

Solid. I've got no complaints, and I can think of no helpful critiques. I wonder what that means?

Unfortunately, as it stands, I feel like a new element was added in the last 5 paragraphs. Is she some sort of super-morality cop? Maybe this is simply a product of your belief that 1000 word stories shouldn't stand on their own.

Elimia rescued Barney from the drabness of his life with Sara.

Sara rescued Barney back to save his soul from Emilia's evil feminine wiles.

I've had a few comments that Sara completely de-sexes the story when she enters, and I see exactly what y'all mean. Still, she was part of my original idea for the story. I wanted the contrast between Emilia and Sara as two types of supergirl, along with the two types of rescue. But I can see that, without the perspective of my literary pretensions, Sara ruins the pornfluff.

Think of The Empire Strikes Back.

You can be sure that Barney will be dreaming of Emilia, and she will have her day. The Rebel Alliance lifeforce will win in the end.

whitepaw, i think they hate you cause they think your un minchia as we say in the neighborhood! of the ones i read, i'd vote for brantly cause it reminded me of Howard!!! 8) dont care what I think?? andate tutti a fanculo!

marty

Brousing the above few posts, no wonder you guys hate me. You're all about sand-in-your-toes super slow-mo and drawing things out into taffy-pulling huge mountanous tomes of rusty-bolted wheelbarrels full of words and words and even more trainloads of rivers and oceans and if-all-the-seas-were-ink-and-all-the-skies-paper-we'd-fill-all-that-up-too-turn-it-all-over-and-keep-going-on-the-back-of-the-page kind of any-dumb-lack-of-excuse-for-more and more drier-and-even-less-purpose-driven words?

I "gunwrite". One word, one kill.

Ten marines on one ubergirl? I don't even bother. Fair presumption it was a wipeout: 'thud' to the next scene and get on with moving the plot forward.

No wonder we're so diametrically opposed. Just an observation, carry on.

Wuv,
-White Paw

Mille grazie, sapientone. :wink:

Con amore,
-Bianco bava di vento