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Valentine's letter to a .....

15 Feb 2020 13:20 #66806 by guimachajo1
Valentine's letter to a ..... was created by guimachajo1
As yesterday was Valentine's Day, it occurred to me to write this Valentine's letter to a superheroine, which may be supergirl, wonderwoman or a velorian, etc. if any of you like it as if you cannot say it or advise me here as well as by private messages. What things to change and which ones to improve.
"Dear ...... I send this to you, to tell you that you stole my heart when you appeared in my class. I remember how with your beautiful blue eyes and with your smile, you conquered my classmates and me. The day you arrived you shined. What I did not expect is that you were Superfemmer, the superhero who spoke the world press. Even though I never got close to you and you sat very far back, but at rest everyone was around you. When I play a job in pairs, you chose me. So when I went to your house to do it. I still remember when I was looking at the books in your room you called me and when I turned around, I saw your feet floating and as I was raising my head I was seeing your curvaceous and muculous legs wrapped in jeans that looked painted on the skin, your slender body, with your thin and strong arms with a t-shirt from the superman movie that looked like it was made by you (which we could say right). all crowned with your beautiful face with your eyes of an indescribable blue as well as the smile of your ivory teeth framed in wonderful lips and your wonderful golden hair as if it were gold, you looked like the twin version of helen supergirl slater. When I saw you, I felt like staying if my breath and my legs were bending, soon a smell of honey, flowers made my pants tighter and more uncomfortable than they already were when you were at school with my classmates and with me.
I remember that it seems that I fainted and when I woke up I saw that you were by my side and you surrounded me with your arms and legs wrapped both in your bedspread and sheets and we could say that on top of your bed, rather floating half a meter from the mattress wrapped in sheets. When I saw him I grabbed you more and you laughed at my reaction.
Then he said that it was a joke and that it was not happening that he had not been able to resist spending it when he saw my reaction and discomfort with my pants. After landing on the mattress, you went tumbling with the sheets and the bedspread, leaving me and laughing, that you were going to change.
I still remember how you stuck your head out the door while lying with one hand you dropped the sheets and each of the clothes,
then we did the work and studied to say something since you did it lying face down levitating or lying on the roof and I I could not concentrate with that vision, and the times you sat at the table of your house to work I did it in the chair and you sat like your legs crossed floating. The times you caught me looking at you instead of the notes, you laughed and told me that since I didn't do it, there would be no excuse.
the excursions with you were to fly to hold your back with my crotch in the middle of your legs feeling your muscles driving the flight, to a thousand places. where you show me how with your muscles you could turn cold and hard steel into burning liquid as if it were lava. how your growing muscles turned you into a muscular goddess of a beauty .... Your short and intense stay was like a dream I didn't want to wake up from. I didn't tell anyone this, not because I kept your secret, but because of me being a person who read so many comics that would create people who had turned me like quixote, that is to say, I was crazy. If you ever read this, think that even after these thirty years have passed, my stolen heart still has it. the rest that this will think that I'm crazy or that is the result of my imagination. I say goodbye carefully waiting for some Scriba or messanger to take this to speed or where your fellow velorian can take you and answer me."
The following user(s) said Thank You: shadar, Woodclaw, slim36, Dru1076, ChaozCloud, AuGoose, veggicidal

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17 Feb 2020 21:40 #66838 by guimachajo1
Replied by guimachajo1 on topic Valentine's letter to a .....
Please, whether you liked it or not. If you have any advice or criticism to improve, I would welcome any help.
I don't know if the site indicated, but please, does anyone know how internal mail can be used? Thanks and I look forward to your suggestions.

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18 Feb 2020 17:57 #66844 by Woodclaw
Replied by Woodclaw on topic Valentine's letter to a .....

guimachajo1 wrote: Please, whether you liked it or not. If you have any advice or criticism to improve, I would welcome any help.
I don't know if the site indicated, but please, does anyone know how internal mail can be used? Thanks and I look forward to your suggestions.


Well, I think this short is pretty good. You certainly hit many right notes and you seem to know the tropes of the genre quite well.
I have two main criticisms, though. First, you really need to work on the formatting. I know it's pretty hard to do in a forum post, but I think reworking the text, separating the paragraphs a bit more would do wonders for the readability. The second, and a bit more complicated, is that I can see the Spanish seeping through your English. This might be just my degree in foreign languages talking, but being fluent in both Spanish and English I can that you thought your sentences in Spanish and then translated them.
A sentence like this

all crowned with your beautiful face with your eyes of an indescribable blue as well as the smile of your ivory teeth framed in wonderful lips and your wonderful golden hair as if it were gold, you looked like the twin version of helen supergirl slater.

It might be a bit too long and it really needs some extra punctuation

(formerly Anon, still Librarian)

"What is the point of having free will if one cannot occasionally spit in the eye of destiny?" ("Gentleman" John Marcone)
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19 Feb 2020 01:53 - 19 Feb 2020 01:54 #66850 by Idylls
Replied by Idylls on topic Valentine's letter to a .....
Write with a point of view. It will give your story more structure and flow, rather than a disjointed collection of ideas and tropes jumping one after the other.

Use an outline and focus. Trim out or edit unnecessary "details" to make what you want to convey standout.
Last edit: 19 Feb 2020 01:54 by Idylls. Reason: Punctuation
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19 Feb 2020 04:54 #66857 by algae2k
Replied by algae2k on topic Valentine's letter to a .....
I can offer my skills as an editor/proofreader.  Your story has good meat, so to say, but it could use a better skeleton.  PM me if interested.
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20 Feb 2020 10:23 #66868 by guimachajo1
Replied by guimachajo1 on topic Valentine's letter to a .....
Thanks for the offer. at the moment, for reasons of studies and work. I can't write much.I need to learn to create the skeleton or scaffolding of history, to be able to narrate the ideas that accumulate or leave my brain.
I repeat thank you for the offer.

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