"Spring 2011" Feedback Thread

While Fats provided us a really nice way to comment on individual stories (thanks Fats) I miss the old topics, which allowed a more complete vision of the feedback fro other authors or readers. So I'm posting the bulk of my comments here, hoping that others will follow.

Before starting I apologize if some of my remarks will be rude.

A World of Oppportunity by CavemanNinjaJoe

For me this story is the oddly fitting piece of thsi workshop. Don't get me wrong is good story with an interesting angle and some nice ideas, but it feels more like classic SF than ubergirl fiction. Generally I'm not a fan of the "planet of superbeings" concept, but in this case it worked quite well as a reversed Utopia. The action scenes are well written, but somewhat dulled by the setting, having two characters with the exact same power-set battling is somewhat disappointing. The ending is very classic, but perfectly fitting the story, it will be very interesting to discover if Tali will be chansed by her compatriots or considered no longer a factor.
My biggest complain is about the setting, for a world of superbeings Ranat'Tol seem somewhat fragile. When Tali fought the two policemen outside the rocket base they managed two knockdown several buildings, but for the standard of that world that wasn't much more than a simple brawl. It's not a major problem but feel a bit odd in the context.

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Clipping the Bushes by sidd1333

This story was nice surprise. Usually I don't like one-power stories (those stories when the main character solve every situation with a single superpower, usually strength), but Sidd managed to make it work great. The Principal looks really great and invulnerable under all the points of view. Unfortunatly I can't say the same for Erik, while the character works great in the ecomony of the story he also looks a bit flat and one-tracked.
Overall a good little story on its own, might be worth expanding.

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Liz Chapter 1: Hostess by Goobers

Ok, this is a story I really want to like, but I can't. Goobers I'm a big fan of your work, your past entries and your blog are among my favourites, this story was really not up to them. I don't know, maybe the problem is with me: I don't like superdickery much and this story contains it in spades. While having a couple of superdicks flying around is fine, even appreciable in some circumstances (Guy Gardner for example). When every male superhuman is a dick and stronger than the females too, it feels really like cheating to me. Making every male superhuman a raping bastard kind of devaluate the whole setting.
Still, this is just chapter one, maybe in the future you'll prove me wrong and I'll be very happy to apologize.

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Milani in DC by DKC

Another story that left me with a bitter aftertaste. Of all the past works of DKC the only one I didn't appreciated was Supergirl Issue 1, so I can safely say that I love his style. Overall the story isn't bad, and I can see why you chooose Ms. Milani as protagonist, but it's full of ups and downs, certain scenes works great others not so much. For me, the main problem is that there are too many plotlines tangled up some of which are connected to the story only in a very tenuous way (Black Adam practicly appeared out of nowhere). Usually I love a muliple point of view kind of writing, but this time I think that a more linear approach would have been better.
Overall there are two scenes that I think works great, the lesbian sex scene between Denise and Mercy is one of the kinkiest things I've read in a while (it reminds me of the old Lord of the Blings story) and the epilogue, which is really full of interesting possibilities.

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Rebirths by JKIJ

Rebirths is a story that is full of potential, but somehow felt short. While I'm not too thrilled about the first person view, the narration works quite well and the action scenes are great (I wish I can write some decent fights). Te choice of giving mental powers as well as the usual flying brick set helps to differentiate the protagonist from other similar characters.
I think that the main weakness of the story is the lack of background regarding some of the secondary characters. While this is absolutly coherent with the first person approach, character like the Empress, the members of the council could have benefit of some extra details.

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Serendipity by LFan

Ok, revelation time, the ElF was one of my Beta Readers and the main editor for my entry, so I might not be totally objective here.
My first thought after reading was that this story was the companion of mine, they start from the same point (a young woman forced by circumstances into crime) but develop in two opposite ways.
Overall I think that ElF created a very solid piece of fiction, even if a bit lacking on the action side. The Red K gimmick is a bit abused (especially after Smallville) but in this case it works. My biggest complain is the length, the story works but left me desperatly looking for some extra pages.

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Supergirled Superworld Ch. 1 by Gliblord

Along with A World of Opportunity this is the most unsual story of the workshop (at least for me) and not a bad one. The sotry flows quite well, there's quite a bit of action and the idea of creating a planet of supergirls instead of simply having floating around it's actually quite refreshing.
Unfortunatly there are three big problems that depreciate the whole thing: first, from the moment Dawn met Alexandra the lines are pretty much drawn, there's no middle ground, no gray are for Dawn to dwell; second, as a big fan of shamanism, witchery and other assorted forms of magic, I found the whole handling of magic a bit sketchy; third, Alexandra Majors is a veritable Mary-Sue, she doesn't seem able to do anything wrong, everybody loves her and now is the most powerful human being in the world... overpower much.

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The Accidental Amazon by DietSnapple71/GeekSeven

Well, GeekSeven did it again. This is probably my favourite entry, especially because it feel a bit like Galaxy Quest applyed to superhero comics. The characterization is essential but works pretty well (at least for the human, the aliens are a bit lacking), the roomate scenes are funny and the whole "nerds are people too" angle is a very welcomed plus.

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They're All Mine Now by Ace191

Ace's love for everything that is Silver Age is one of the most undeniable facts of this community. And this story looks right up his alley. True, it's short and very classic (maybe even a predictable in some ways), but there's no way to deny that it works like a Swiss watch and have a good final twist. Personally I'm particulary fond of the firefighting scene, I always thought that comic books should have more stories about heroes doing things like that instead of brawling with supervillains.
My only compain here is the length, I could have really benefited from a little extra.

JKIJ wrote: Thanks for the comments. I did have a bit more background on all the characters in my head, but because of the viewpoint character not knowing some of it and being a bit self-centred I couldn't work out a way to fit it in. That's the biggest disadvantage I found of writing in the first person, though I don't regret trying to write a story from inside the head of a superwoman. Perhaps if I return to Dark Lady's world I'll be able to flesh out the other characters more.

First person is a double edged tool, it allows a degree of identification otherwise impossible to obtain, but also narrow the perspective over the rest of the world. Personally I prefer to use a third person approach, because it allows more freedom of movement and the occasional explanation doesn't feel completly out of place.

JKIJ wrote: In the Eye of the Beholder

This was my personal favourite story. I loved the detail of Terry’s first transformation, going from immense disappointment to euphoria. I could understand her breaking into the restaurant and I thought her heist was well described. I could also visualise the action in the casino perfectly. One thing I wasn’t totally sure of, though, is Mel’s child actually Terry’s? I thought so, but it wasn’t made completely clear one way or the other.

First of all thanks for the compliments, I hope to be able to return to this story very soon, but I make no promises. About the child, no he isn't Terry's, In the beginning I said that Terry had a miscarriage while in jail. Also he's about 8 years old, making him 3 years too old to be Terry's.