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Fall 2012 workshop dissussion thread

21 Feb 2013 08:26 #30493 by Woodclaw
Replied by Woodclaw on topic Fall 2012 workshop dissussion thread

argonaut wrote: "Cos-Play" -- a sweet story and, like all the other entries I've read so far, well crafted and well written. I did feel as if many of the scenes ran along familiar lines (e.g. supergirl confronts mugger/rapist/lowlife) -- but that's what we go for here at SWM. I particularly liked the "girls' night out" scene, and wish you'd presented it at greater length and in more detail. Thanks for an enjoyable story.

I'll try to post feedback on the last two stories by the end of the week.


The girls' night out scene was my Waterloo. I tried to write it, but the results weren't particularly good. In general, the dialogue felt flat and I couldn't find an angle that worked, so I choose to leave it undescripted.

I know that many scenes are actually quite common (matter of fact one of my beta readers noticed that the dream sequence was very similar to scene from the Supergirl movie). To my defense I can only say that I wrote this a few years ago and it was actually one of my first attempts on the genre.

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22 Feb 2013 12:20 - 27 Feb 2013 00:45 #30504 by Woodclaw
Replied by Woodclaw on topic Fall 2012 workshop dissussion thread
I finally finished reading and thinking about the entries so I'm going to write down my thoughts as usual.

This workshop was a strange beast for me, often I found that there are 2-3 stories that simply stand out from the bunch, this time the choice was more complex. All the stories are pretty interesting (except perhaps mine, since I recycled an old concept), but all of them had some kind of sore spot for me. I hope nobody will get upset, I'm just trying to gave some constructive feedback here.

Baker's Dozen by Argonaut

Let's start with what looks like the most likely winner as of today. If I have to choose a word to describe Argo's story I think that "potential" is the best one. "Baker's Dozen" takes start with a good twist upon what perhaps is the not-so-secret desire of us all and start to explore. While the story is clearly unfinished and might have benefited from a bit more here and there, the foundations are dead solid and the narration flows pretty well.
I talked about it with Njae in the chat and we agreed that it would be a great base for an Interactive story.
Looking of the downside, I think that there are two sore points for me. The first is the feeling of "more to come", while not every workshop entry has to be totally self-contained, we can already see the set-up for something bigger -- at 3:20 PM -- and I really want to see more. The second is more simple stylistic choice: the retcon effect. While it makes for some amusing moments and streamline the narration, it also feel like a bit of a cheat.

A Healer's Origin by JKIJ

I have said it before and I stand by my idea that JKIJ has written some of my favorite stories over the last year. This story was one I was really looking forward to read. I think it's a good story, but it falls somewhat short in some places. The narration flows pretty well - despite some verbous bits here and there - and it works on simple, time-tested ideas. Unfortunalty, this is also one of the main weaknesses of this story - except for the final revelation of the friendship between Kevin and Simon - there was nothing unexpected, no spectacular twist, nothing that made me go "wow, I didn't see that one coming". The other sore point is that the characters feel somewhat unfinished, again the characterizations are dead solid, but also very cliches. They lack those little details that makes a character spark to life.
Overall a solid entry, but not the most memorable piece from an excellent writer.

Heart of the Fantasy by Shadar

Questioning Shadar's ability to write is beyond pointless (at least on this forum), still I was pretty disappointed by this entry. The story has several excellent elements: the main character has a very good definition and a rather believable personality (my judgement might be off here, since my sister once puleld a stunt similar to Kristi's), although given only through a few broad strokes; the main theme of nuclear disarmament is also interesting and address a rather problematic issue about superhumans; I also enjoyed the idea of comparing comic books to mythology, while it's not exactly new, it's always refreshing to see a take on it.
Even with all this good the story simply fails to deliver, we got very little action and nothing about what might comes next. As good as it was this story feels just like the chapter one of a longer narrative and it really need something more to shine.

Spare Parts by Circes Cup

Oh boy. This story was really a problem for me. On one hand it has a really interesting gimmick and I like how the characterization is progressively revealed and twisted. On the other, I can't help but really loath the characters, none of them is a person I would like to have sitting next to me ever. This caused an alienation effect that made the story less enjoyable to me.
I don't know if Circes was looking for a story with an unsymphatetic main character -- in which case I plaude the effort -- or if this was an unwanted side-effect.

Twice the Fun by Pansardum

[Beta Reader Alert]

Finally we got Pans first published story and I think it's an excellent first. Pans and I have discussed quite a bit about the differences in our writing style, so my judgement might be biased here. While muscle growth might not be everyone's cup of tea, I think that this story works extremely well. It's very compact and I like how a couple of scenes plays out, in particular Tara's revelation and the fact that she has issues about how she looks. It's a little touch, but adds a little peculiarity to the character. Aside from that the story is really kinky, but it doesn't overplay this element (something that many first time stories tend to).
On the downside, I had real problems following the narrative in some parts. Pans, I told you before, sometimes you tend to go overboard with elaborate sentences and some words you uses seem really out of context.



Well, this is all I can say for now, I haven't cast my vote, yet, but I hope to do it soon.

Happy writing everyone.

(formerly Anon, still Librarian)

"What is the point of having free will if one cannot occasionally spit in the eye of destiny?" ("Gentleman" John Marcone)
Last edit: 27 Feb 2013 00:45 by Woodclaw.
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22 Feb 2013 21:07 #30511 by shadar
Replied by shadar on topic Fall 2012 workshop dissussion thread
Very fair criticism as far as my story goes. It was definitely way too short (not my usual problem!) and didn't get into the action, which will obviously be in the next installment.

But I hadn't decided to write a story for the workshop (and don't want to recycle oldies) until a few days before the deadline, so I dashed this one off pretty quickly. It is truly more of an intro to a story and not the whole deal. Didn't expect to win, but figured it would be nice to add a a little something from a perspective that was on my mind after trying (and failing) to get tickets to the upcoming Emerald City Comicon.

As in, wouldn't it be cool if a cosplayer was actually selected to become super during the show. Especially the least experienced and likely youngest of the cosplayers.

Shadar

Anon wrote: Heart of the Fantasy by Shadar

Questioning Shadar's ability to write is beyond pointless (at least on this forum), still I was pretty disappointed by this entry. The story has several excellent elements: the main character has a very good definition and a rather believable personality (my judgement might be off here, since my sister once puleld a stunt similar to Kristi's), although given only through a few broad strokes; the main theme of nuclear disarmament is also interesting and address a rather problematic issue about superhumans; I also enjoyed the idea of comparing comic books to mythology, while it's not exactly new, it's always refreshing to see a take on it.
Even with all this good the story simply fails to deliver, we got very little action and nothing about what might comes next. As good as it was this story feels just like the chapter one of a longer narrative and it really need something more to shine.

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22 Feb 2013 21:27 - 22 Feb 2013 21:30 #30512 by Woodclaw
Replied by Woodclaw on topic Fall 2012 workshop dissussion thread

shadar wrote: Very fair criticism as far as my story goes. It was definitely way too short (not my usual problem!) and didn't get into the action, which will obviously be in the next installment.

But I hadn't decided to write a story for the workshop (and don't want to recycle oldies) until a few days before the deadline, so I dashed this one off pretty quickly. It is truly more of an intro to a story and not the whole deal. Didn't expect to win, but figured it would be nice to add a a little something from a perspective that was on my mind after trying (and failing) to get tickets to the upcoming Emerald City Comicon.

As in, wouldn't it be cool if a cosplayer was actually selected to become super during the show. Especially the least experienced and likely youngest of the cosplayers.

Shadar


I agree with all points. As I said the story is good, but it just fails to deliver in the end. A properly done next chapter would nail it.

I've tried to write something on the fly in the past, but had little success.

(formerly Anon, still Librarian)

"What is the point of having free will if one cannot occasionally spit in the eye of destiny?" ("Gentleman" John Marcone)
Last edit: 22 Feb 2013 21:30 by Woodclaw.

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25 Feb 2013 02:59 #30547 by argonaut
Replied by argonaut on topic Fall 2012 workshop dissussion thread
Moving on to "A Healer's Origin" ...

JKIJ, I enjoyed "Three Superwomen on Multiple Earths" (which I hope you continue) and your "Super Secret Agent" short, so I was looking forward to reading your workshop entry. Your prose could be tighter, and the dialogue was a little klunky in places, but the story moved right along and held my interest right up to the end.

What makes Sarah distinctive is that even though she has all of the "canonical" super-powers, she chooses to identify herself by her healing power. Her mission is to help the injured rather than beat up on bad guys. That's not surprising, inasmuch as she's a nurse -- which could lead to complications in the future. I doubt that she'd avoid using her healing ability while she's on the job in her everyday identity -- at least for patients who might die otherwise -- so if Simon starts checking ER statistics and notices an unusually high number of discharges during Sarah's shifts ...

This has all the ingredients of a promising series:

1. am appealing heroine

2. a down-to-earth confidante

3. a brilliant and ruthless arch-enemy

4. a boy-friend (whose personality is somewhat sketchy so far, although the fact that he's an old chum of Simon's could have interesting repercussions)

5. a weakness. (Suppose Simon learns that Sarah's strength and invulnrability begin to wane as she uses her healing power? It's not hard to imagine how he might exploit that.)

Between Kristi, Shane, and Sarah, this has been a great set of stories for "good" supergirl fans!
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28 Feb 2013 08:57 #30580 by pansardum
Replied by pansardum on topic Fall 2012 workshop dissussion thread
Here are my thoughts about each entry.

Heart of the fantasy:
As usual this is a well written piece. The only issue might have been the choice to have the transformation at the very end, which only left me looking forward to the continuation.
An extra touch I would have wanted to see would be some more of Kristi's background and her motivation to go to the comic con. Maybe that she had been mesmerized by Superman's first appearance, making the female version of his costume the obvious choice at a comic con where she hoped to meet the real deal. Also maybe not letting her break out of character in front of the cameras because she was afraid that someone from back home would recognize her. Which could be a fun continuation if her parents had recognized her and gives her a scolding before she can react. (metaphorically)

Cos-play
I found this to be a well written story. But in the end I realized that I never really felt that concerned or interested in Sharon. Maybe a richer back story could have helped or make the costume influence her decisions, enhancing the mean streak she had in her. Letting her struggle a bit with her decisions as super powered and making the LA visit a bit more exciting.


A healer's origin:
The main issue in this is definitely the conversations. In too many places the replies are too long and it breaks the story's flow.
Other than that it is pretty solid.

Spare parts:
This was a very well written entry, but it really lacked likable characters. It feels wrong to complain about women empowerment on a site like this :laugh: But this story was filled with that kind of irony. A woman who hates men's objectification of women only to be the epitome of that. I don't really want to admit how long it took for me to realize who Bharbeee was... :blush:
Same with the whole intro about how women, or maybe it should be womyn, wouldn't be as violent as men. Only continuing with her raping the guy at first touch with power. :blink:
Despite her despise for men the end felt a bit too deliberate. I didn't feel convinced that she would drive the truck to a shore just to drown the guy.
Anyway this was still one of the more enjoyable reads and long a runner up for my vote.

Baker's dozen:
What to say, this was a great story. The dialogue felt spot on and with relative few words I felt immersed into the settings.
It certainly deserved the fight for first place.
If something, I would rather have seen a less drastic transformation for Cindy. Though the personality changes felt more in place.
I would also have wanted some explanation for their sudden interest for him.

In the end I can't other than look forward to the continuation. What will happen 3:20? How many supergirls will be stood up then? and maybe more important their reactions...

An interesting twist in later chapters could be that he gets distracted as he is about to say the phrase, which makes him look at wrong girl while he says it.

This round I had a big problem to choose who to vote on. After reading through the entries a second time I ended up giving it to Argo. I was at first a bit reluctant as I felt his entry felt a bit too short, but in the end his story stood out a bit more than the others in an otherwise good competition.
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01 Mar 2013 00:07 #30600 by Random321
Replied by Random321 on topic Fall 2012 workshop dissussion thread

pansardum wrote: This round I had a big problem to choose who to vote on.


I wanted to reiterate this point. One of my close #2 picks is well behind in the vote. It almost makes me not like voting. Please, no writer take offense to not being the top vote - I liked them all.

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01 Mar 2013 02:06 #30604 by JKIJ
Replied by JKIJ on topic Fall 2012 workshop dissussion thread
Thanks to everybody who's commented on my story. I'm glad that people have had some good things to say about it, though I know it's not the best thing I've ever written. I think I forced the writing a bit too much partly due to the deadline and partly due to the uncertainty that's currently surrounding me in real life so I will definitely need to take people's comments on board before I continue with this series, which I do intend to (though that does leave me with three stories I mean to get around to writing more of eventually. It really makes me appreciate authors who can successfully juggle multiple stories at once even more).

I've now read all the entries a couple of times and made my vote. I will comment on all the stories hopefully by the end of the weekend. Until then, thanks once again to everybody who has read and enjoyed my little contribution.

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03 Mar 2013 02:09 #30618 by argonaut
Replied by argonaut on topic Fall 2012 workshop dissussion thread
Re "Twice the Fun":

Sorry it's taken me so long to leave feedback for your entry, pansardum. It's good to see these workshops encourage new writers to take the plunge. Frankly, however, this story just didn't push my buttons. As another commenter noted, the long, detailed descriptions of Tara's size and musculature seemed to be aimed at a somewhat different "demographic." Admittedly, there's bound to be some overlap between "muscle/growth" fans and "superfemme" aficionados -- as the poll demonstrates -- and I can easily imagine someone with a different set of predilections enjoying your story very much. The fact that I didn't says more about my particular kinks than the quality of your entry.

I did like the idea that the Sybian doubles the user's strength each time she uses it, so that after nine "rides," Tara is 500+ times stronger than she was to begin with. Of course, exponential growth being what it is, even a machine/potion/spell that boosts the user's strength by only (say) 5% each time will enable her to juggle tanks before too long. Add an addictive quality and all kinds of possibilities open up!

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07 Mar 2013 21:14 #30677 by JKIJ
Replied by JKIJ on topic Fall 2012 workshop dissussion thread
A lot later than I’d intended here in no particular order are my thoughts on the workshop entries.

Spare Parts
I like the idea of an alien who is so different that he (if he has any meaning for such a creature) has absolutely no understanding of humanity beyond the very basics that his people have managed to discover and that even after living with a human for a reasonable amount of time he still has very limited understanding. I also liked that even with the vast differences the alien has to deal with a bureaucracy that seems fairly similar to several on Earth with its arcane procedures for dealing with a lost body. I think the idea of a spare body is very interesting and I can’t remember coming across it anywhere else before. I quite liked Amanda before her transformation and could understand why she was willing to risk the unknown since she had the double whammy of being raped and of knowing her life was coming to an end. Unfortunately I can’t say I liked her anything like as much after the new personality was imprinted on her. There was certainly some justice in how she treated her ex once she became the one with all the advantages, but I couldn’t feel that much satisfaction since Amanda took it way too far. If the story were to continue I’d like to see some aspects of her former personality reassert themselves after she becomes more used to her new body and its “defensive systems”.

Heart of the Fantasy
I found this one a difficult story to come to an opinion on. The story is clearly a beginning rather than a complete tale and I like the idea of examining how the world and especially comic fans react to the appearance of a superhuman in a world where such beings are not possible. The mission of the Superman and his decision to bequeath his powers to a young woman so she can finish his task have potential, but I do feel that a lot more can and should be done with the story. Once the new Supergirl has been revealed to the world then things could get very interesting.

Cos-Play
I’d forgotten about this story until I read the workshop version. As I remember, I said at the time that the original version was submitted that I liked the “dream” sequence and the way the narrative changes from first to third-person. I still love it as the switch seems to me to fit perfectly, showing that Shane hadn’t realised what she was getting into and also perhaps that she wasn’t fully in control of her own body at that point. I also like how she uses her new abilities, not instantly showing off except with those who already know about what the costumes do. She certainly uses her powers for play and they seem to make her more self-confident. I don’t remember if the original version ended with a proposal but I think it’s the perfect ending to the revised version and I also think that the story could be expanded on since there seem to be quite a few other people who have purchased costumes, but the story is self-contained enough that it doesn’t need to be.

Twice the Fun
This was another story I found difficult to put my thoughts together on. Like Cos-Play it is a self-contained story and so doesn’t need to be expanded on to have the full effect. I can’t remember ever seeing transformation devices advertised via porn films before and I think that’s a clever idea, especially as it would help keep the use of Sybians to only a small circle of people. I find it interesting how Tara is so sheepish about what she’s done, perhaps embarrassed and also worried that she might have driven her friend away. I’m not entirely sure but I suspect that Tara and Jess have had feelings for each other for some time but have never admitted it either to themselves or to anybody else until now, or at least Jess hasn’t. In the end I think the story intrigued me but I couldn’t say much more about it.

Baker’s Dozen
As with several other stories this workshop this story is the start of a longer tale. I like that it is based on the idea of somebody living out the fantasy of making women super. It certainly provides an interesting starting point, especially as poor Bobby seems to be letting his wishes get out of hand already, making people super without even really thinking about it too much. He seems to be unable to think too much around the people he has made super, or at least so I judge since both of them have invited him to spend time with them at exactly the same time and he hasn’t realised the conflict. I suspect that whatever he does he will discover hell hath no fury like a superwoman scorned especially as he assembles his dozen. I would also be interested to see how the ret-con effect interacts with the wider world. Does the world know that there are now and apparently there have always been two super-powered people at the same school? If not, they will surely find out soon. I look forward to more.

All in all I don’t think there was a stand-out story for me, but I did find something to enjoy or intrigue in each of them and I thank the authors for their efforts.
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07 Mar 2013 22:37 #30679 by pansardum
Replied by pansardum on topic Fall 2012 workshop dissussion thread

argonaut wrote: Re "Twice the Fun":
I did like the idea that the Sybian doubles the user's strength each time she uses it, so that after nine "rides," Tara is 500+ times stronger than she was to begin with. Of course, exponential growth being what it is, even a machine/potion/spell that boosts the user's strength by only (say) 5% each time will enable her to juggle tanks before too long. Add an addictive quality and all kinds of possibilities open up!


The dangers with exponential growth isn't really evident in the story since I ended it as it was getting out of hand. I made the decision to double the strength to play with the title. I never wrote out how strong Jess became at the end, but it is quite a lot. Maybe a little to much; thankfully the machine was destroyed, who knows where it would have ended otherwise. :blush:

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07 Mar 2013 22:56 #30681 by Woodclaw
Replied by Woodclaw on topic Fall 2012 workshop dissussion thread

JKIJ wrote: Cos-Play
I’d forgotten about this story until I read the workshop version. As I remember, I said at the time that the original version was submitted that I liked the “dream” sequence and the way the narrative changes from first to third-person. I still love it as the switch seems to me to fit perfectly, showing that Shane hadn’t realised what she was getting into and also perhaps that she wasn’t fully in control of her own body at that point. I also like how she uses her new abilities, not instantly showing off except with those who already know about what the costumes do. She certainly uses her powers for play and they seem to make her more self-confident. I don’t remember if the original version ended with a proposal but I think it’s the perfect ending to the revised version and I also think that the story could be expanded on since there seem to be quite a few other people who have purchased costumes, but the story is self-contained enough that it doesn’t need to be.


First of all thanks for the good feedback. To be honest I never fleshed out Shane very much, as far as personality goes. Overall she turned out a lot more playful than I expected, but it works decently. I'm not sure about self-confidence, I never pictured her as an insecure character to begin with. True, having powers made her a little more hard-assed than before, but not too much.
As for the rest, the original version ended with the proposal, but I rephrased the scene a bit, since the original seemed a little half-witted with Frank making a x-ray vision joke before pulling out the ring.
Another little note, originally I offered this story as a starting point for an open world series, based on the idea that other authors could add their own characters and their own twist to the costume concept. The offer still stands for those interested, although I think that it should be revised a bit, adding some ground rules.

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12 Mar 2013 02:40 #30713 by argonaut
Replied by argonaut on topic Fall 2012 workshop dissussion thread
Thank you to everyone who commented on my story and voted for it in the poll. I'm pleased that so many readers chose it as their favorite out of what I thought was a very strong set of entries.

Chapter 4 should be ready by the end of the week. I just need to fill in a few blank spots. It will answer the question a couple of you have asked: What will happen at 3:20, when Bobby has to keep his dates with two supergirls? (Mild spoiler: Make that three.)

Regarding the "ret-con" effect: I came up with that device so that I wouldn't have to write twelve scenes in which the girl is shocked to discover that she's gained super-powers. I felt that would get pretty old pretty fast. As Anon points out, the ret-con device streamlines the story -- although as shadar points out, it can create its own complications.

Other questions will be answered, at least speculatively, as the story progresses: How come Cindy got bigger but not Ms. Bartlett? Why do the "transformees" have the hots for Bobby? Bobby will be coming up with some theories about how the card works, which will give him some control over the transformations. And yes, JKIJ, a lot of people are curious as to why all the superwomen on Earth are students or staff members of a high school in an otherwise ordinary town.

shadar: It's not the card that has a will of its own; it's Bobby's adolescent libido.

I have to admit that I don't have the entire story plotted out in advance. Bobby makes his third wish in Chapter 4, and I have a pretty clear idea how the next two wishes will go. And I have an idea (still somewhat nebulous) for the final wish. But that still leaves six. So I'm wide open to suggestions. Should Bobby confide in a friend, who "borrows" the card for his own purposes? Are there other card-holders creating their own supergirls? Maybe Bobby can visit a comic con, or attend a beach volleyball tournament? Ideas, anyone? Like I said, I'm wide open.

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12 Mar 2013 02:48 #30714 by argonaut
Replied by argonaut on topic Fall 2012 workshop dissussion thread
Thank you to everyone who commented on my story and voted for it in the poll. I'm pleased that so many readers chose it as their favorite out of what I thought was a very strong set of entries.

Chapter 4 should be ready by the end of the week. I just need to fill in a few blank spots. It will answer the question a couple of you have asked: What will happen at 3:20, when Bobby has to keep his dates with two supergirls? (Mild spoiler: Make that three.)

Regarding the "ret-con" effect: I came up with that device so that I wouldn't have to write twelve scenes in which the girl is shocked to discover that she's gained super-powers. I felt that would get pretty old pretty fast. As Anon points out, the ret-con device streamlines the story -- although as shadar points out, it can create its own complications.

Other questions will be answered, at least speculatively, as the story progresses: How come Cindy got bigger but not Ms. Bartlett? Why do the "transformees" have the hots for Bobby? Bobby will be coming up with some theories about how the card works, which will give him some control over the transformations. And yes, JKIJ, a lot of people are curious as to why all the superwomen on Earth are students or staff members of a high school in an otherwise ordinary town.

shadar: It's not the card that has a will of its own; it's Bobby's adolescent libido.

I have to admit that I don't have the entire story plotted out in advance. Bobby makes his third wish in Chapter 4, and I have a pretty clear idea how the next two wishes will go. And I have an idea (still somewhat nebulous) for the final wish. But that still leaves six. So I'm wide open to suggestions. Should Bobby confide in a friend, who "borrows" the card for his own purposes? Are there other card-holders creating their own supergirls? Maybe Bobby can visit a comic con, or attend a beach volleyball tournament? Ideas, anyone? Like I said, I'm wide open.

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12 Mar 2013 03:28 #30715 by Dr. Muttonchops
Replied by Dr. Muttonchops on topic Fall 2012 workshop dissussion thread

argonaut wrote: Thank you to everyone who commented on my story and voted for it in the poll. I'm pleased that so many readers chose it as their favorite out of what I thought was a very strong set of entries.

Chapter 4 should be ready by the end of the week. I just need to fill in a few blank spots. It will answer the question a couple of you have asked: What will happen at 3:20, when Bobby has to keep his dates with two supergirls? (Mild spoiler: Make that three.)

Regarding the "ret-con" effect: I came up with that device so that I wouldn't have to write twelve scenes in which the girl is shocked to discover that she's gained super-powers. I felt that would get pretty old pretty fast. As Anon points out, the ret-con device streamlines the story -- although as shadar points out, it can create its own complications.


You're quite welcome, buddy! I can't wait! I agree that that was the best way to go. It's also an ingenious idea!

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12 Mar 2013 04:06 - 12 Mar 2013 04:08 #30717 by circes_cup
Replied by circes_cup on topic Fall 2012 workshop dissussion thread
I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who took the time to read or commment on or vote on "Spare Parts".

For those of you that liked it, I'm glad that you did. I plan to continue it at some point, but am hoping to get a little further with my current series, Deep Down Inside, first. For those of you that didn't like it, I'll be sure to give the story a fresh read over-- and perhaps tweak a few things based upon the commentary-- before continuing.

I'll be sitting out the Spring Workshop in order to focus Deep Down Inside. Also, given my writing style, I probably can't write a shopping list in under 1000 words, let alone a story.

If I had to give one "shout out" for the Fall Workshop, it would be pansardum's piece "Twice the Fun." I thought the story was one heck of a ride (literally!). I really liked the contrast between, on the one hand, the dark, cold and lonely trudge back from the library and, on the other, the warmth and intimacy of their, uh, reinvigorated friendship. It was playful, sexy, and contiained just the requisite amount of ass-kicking. I hope the story gets continued; I can't wait to see what type of mischief or adventures these two ladies get into next. One note: having two protagonists of unequal strength worked for this story but might become a nuisance in follow-on chapters: the differences between the two main characters can become a distraction from the real thrust of the story. Tara is absurdly strong by any measure, and you would not want a subplot where Tara is somehow feeling weak in comparison to her more powerful friend. I would suggest that subsequent chapters somehow put the two girls on a level playing field, either by bumping Tara up, or by allowing some type of power-sharing arrangment that allows them transfer the mojo between each other. Either way, fun story -- hope we see more.
Last edit: 12 Mar 2013 04:08 by circes_cup.
The following user(s) said Thank You: furbutt4, pansardum

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13 Mar 2013 22:23 #30744 by pansardum
Replied by pansardum on topic Fall 2012 workshop dissussion thread

circes_cup wrote: If I had to give one "shout out" for the Fall Workshop, it would be pansardum's piece "Twice the Fun." I thought the story was one heck of a ride (literally!). I really liked the contrast between, on the one hand, the dark, cold and lonely trudge back from the library and, on the other, the warmth and intimacy of their, uh, reinvigorated friendship. It was playful, sexy, and contiained just the requisite amount of ass-kicking. I hope the story gets continued; I can't wait to see what type of mischief or adventures these two ladies get into next. One note: having two protagonists of unequal strength worked for this story but might become a nuisance in follow-on chapters: the differences between the two main characters can become a distraction from the real thrust of the story. Tara is absurdly strong by any measure, and you would not want a subplot where Tara is somehow feeling weak in comparison to her more powerful friend. I would suggest that subsequent chapters somehow put the two girls on a level playing field, either by bumping Tara up, or by allowing some type of power-sharing arrangment that allows them transfer the mojo between each other. Either way, fun story -- hope we see more.


Glad you liked the ride. :laugh:
I haven't thought of any continuation yet, but 'never say never' right. Maybe Greg is ready to try his luck again with Jess on her way home, I only hope he survives that encounter.
I actually think the unequal strength could be a fun challenge for the characters, having the now stronger confident Jess play around with everyone and everything, while the more reserved Tara must try to keep her in check. Could probably still level the playing field a bit by adding a diminishing returns effect or that it wears off during withdrawal. Cause as it is now, Jess might be a bit too powerful, (about 8 million times more powerful than Tara... Huh, who would have guessed, exponential growth gets out of hand rather fast :woohoo: )

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14 Mar 2013 02:13 #30748 by steelknight3000
Replied by steelknight3000 on topic Fall 2012 workshop dissussion thread
Only 8 million? I think she can do better. :)

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