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Summer Workshop - Now On
21 Oct 2013 11:36 #33678
by Woodclaw
Well, I think that the story works well nonetheless, Ace, which is usually the mark of a good writer.
Replied by Woodclaw on topic Summer Workshop - Now On
ace191 wrote: It's no secret that I voted for 2500 words because I really don't like the short workshops and I already had this story plotted out. The Hobbie Cat scene and my original ending wound up on the cutting room floor. I wrote this as brief as I could saving every word, and after the above cuts, I had exactly 88 words left to punch it up and end it. I was a bit frustrated with the above which is why I ended it the way I did. I though it was a humorous and clever ending (as well as very short), but I guess it was not received that way.
Ace
Well, I think that the story works well nonetheless, Ace, which is usually the mark of a good writer.
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24 Oct 2013 15:37 - 24 Oct 2013 21:42 #33775
by Camille Jones
You'd think that superspeed would make me more punctual, huh?
Replied by Camille Jones on topic Summer Workshop - Now On
A Blast from the Past
I'm going to be a bit frank, the first part of the story doesn't work for me as a short story. I'm not entirely sure how the power transfer works or why Powergirl was dying. Moreover, I do not feel that the amnesia bit works because she was slowly gaining her memory back in part two. Perhaps if you were able to integrate key elements of part one into part two then I think the story would be a lot stronger as a cohesive whole.
As for the second part, I really like it overall. There were very touching parts and the story made sense to me as a whole. However, setting the story in the future while using past tense threw me off here and there but it was nothing too bad overall. However, the ending of the story works quite well as well, adding more on to the mystery of her identity. The action scenes of the recreational activities were very much on par, even when she opts not to use her powers to climb a wall. Overall, if it was not for the first part, I feel that this would be a very solid story.
A couple that plays together...
Beta reader alert!
This story shows something that most people do not touch up on, a recent supergirl trying to get control over her abilities. And trust me, I've been there myself! Her frustration grows as she even tries to play a video game with her boyfriend, which results in the tension of her even trying to have physical contact with her boyfriend. However, he wins her over and she was able to control her strength. And in usual fashion, she discovers a new ability at the end that's attached to her happiness
. The story has great characterization overall and I found myself smiling at the end. Overall, it is a good read and the recreational activity served as the main tool for their growth, which is not a easy feat in the first place.
A Day at the Beach
Immediately, the story starts out right in the middle or just about where the action starts, which pulls me in directly. However, I was also lost as to what happened in the beginning. The pacing sets out really nice as well, the actions flowed through as well as her trying to remain as normal as possible. The story then takes to a sudden turn for action, which was really nice. And I could appreciate the humor at the end of the story. Overall, I did like it though I felt that the recreational theme was downplayed from the rest of the story.
Come Ride With Me
I'll agree that this is the most literal interpretation of the theme, in which a supergirl just wants to relax and enjoy herself for a while before she has to deal with saving the world. I do agree with Anon that leaving her identity and her abilities a mystery works so well with the story. However, I don't get a sense of satisfaction as her reveal was rather heavy-handed and takes away a very satisfied ending. Also, I was very confused as to how the rings work.
Homerun Shootout
I must say that I really liked this story as a whole. The recreational activity was perfect in showing off what the two superwomen can do. However, what really got me was the middle part of the story as they formed a mentorship of sorts of mentor and mentoree between the two women. Even with the short explanations of the events that has happened prior to the homerun shootout, you get a great sense of character development as well as having sympathy for the younger superwoman. Overall, the action is great and you get a sense of satisfaction with the ending.
Power
This story did not work for me as a whole in terms of the formatting and structure. I was very lost and confused throughout the story, as well as getting lost as to where certain sections end and where did they start. Also the use of a trademark videogame did not work for me as well but her letting out some steam both in the game and in real life works for me as well. Overall, if the story was structured more conventionally then it would've been easier to follow and read.
Walking down a new path
beta reader alert!
I am going to say that this story was amazing to read and I'm glad I had the honor of beta-reading it. To be honest I was not expecting the story to have such a destructive supergirl doing what she wants to do nothing but give in to her baser instincts and destroy stuff. Then again, for a supergirl, destroying or completely decimating things may be a recreational activity if she's evil! Still, seeing her go from a hero to an anti-hero was great. The characterization was amazing as well. However, what got me was the ending when you find out that it was a created character for a MMO and the player herself is a paraplegic. This type of twist made it one of the best stories up there in the workshop along with the characterization of Ms. Amazon/Barbara. Also, nice Batgirl reference there Anon!
I'm going to be a bit frank, the first part of the story doesn't work for me as a short story. I'm not entirely sure how the power transfer works or why Powergirl was dying. Moreover, I do not feel that the amnesia bit works because she was slowly gaining her memory back in part two. Perhaps if you were able to integrate key elements of part one into part two then I think the story would be a lot stronger as a cohesive whole.
As for the second part, I really like it overall. There were very touching parts and the story made sense to me as a whole. However, setting the story in the future while using past tense threw me off here and there but it was nothing too bad overall. However, the ending of the story works quite well as well, adding more on to the mystery of her identity. The action scenes of the recreational activities were very much on par, even when she opts not to use her powers to climb a wall. Overall, if it was not for the first part, I feel that this would be a very solid story.
A couple that plays together...
Beta reader alert!
This story shows something that most people do not touch up on, a recent supergirl trying to get control over her abilities. And trust me, I've been there myself! Her frustration grows as she even tries to play a video game with her boyfriend, which results in the tension of her even trying to have physical contact with her boyfriend. However, he wins her over and she was able to control her strength. And in usual fashion, she discovers a new ability at the end that's attached to her happiness
. The story has great characterization overall and I found myself smiling at the end. Overall, it is a good read and the recreational activity served as the main tool for their growth, which is not a easy feat in the first place.A Day at the Beach
Immediately, the story starts out right in the middle or just about where the action starts, which pulls me in directly. However, I was also lost as to what happened in the beginning. The pacing sets out really nice as well, the actions flowed through as well as her trying to remain as normal as possible. The story then takes to a sudden turn for action, which was really nice. And I could appreciate the humor at the end of the story. Overall, I did like it though I felt that the recreational theme was downplayed from the rest of the story.
Come Ride With Me
I'll agree that this is the most literal interpretation of the theme, in which a supergirl just wants to relax and enjoy herself for a while before she has to deal with saving the world. I do agree with Anon that leaving her identity and her abilities a mystery works so well with the story. However, I don't get a sense of satisfaction as her reveal was rather heavy-handed and takes away a very satisfied ending. Also, I was very confused as to how the rings work.
Homerun Shootout
I must say that I really liked this story as a whole. The recreational activity was perfect in showing off what the two superwomen can do. However, what really got me was the middle part of the story as they formed a mentorship of sorts of mentor and mentoree between the two women. Even with the short explanations of the events that has happened prior to the homerun shootout, you get a great sense of character development as well as having sympathy for the younger superwoman. Overall, the action is great and you get a sense of satisfaction with the ending.
Power
This story did not work for me as a whole in terms of the formatting and structure. I was very lost and confused throughout the story, as well as getting lost as to where certain sections end and where did they start. Also the use of a trademark videogame did not work for me as well but her letting out some steam both in the game and in real life works for me as well. Overall, if the story was structured more conventionally then it would've been easier to follow and read.
Walking down a new path
beta reader alert!
I am going to say that this story was amazing to read and I'm glad I had the honor of beta-reading it. To be honest I was not expecting the story to have such a destructive supergirl doing what she wants to do nothing but give in to her baser instincts and destroy stuff. Then again, for a supergirl, destroying or completely decimating things may be a recreational activity if she's evil! Still, seeing her go from a hero to an anti-hero was great. The characterization was amazing as well. However, what got me was the ending when you find out that it was a created character for a MMO and the player herself is a paraplegic. This type of twist made it one of the best stories up there in the workshop along with the characterization of Ms. Amazon/Barbara. Also, nice Batgirl reference there Anon!
You'd think that superspeed would make me more punctual, huh?
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25 Oct 2013 08:39 #33795
by njae
Replied by njae on topic Summer Workshop - Now On
Alright, since the participants are the only ones leaving feedback here, it would be bad for me not to do the same.
A Blast from the Past
Let me say it first: I really like the main part of the story with Lee visiting her boyfriend again. There's just two things about the story that rub me the wrong way. First it's being a fanfiction where it makes little sense to be so. Powergirl isn't exactly a legacy heroine and the question why Lee took her place isn't answered so it boils down to "because of the image". Aside from my personal dislike of using fan fiction, the use of an original character would have been better suited here. Another point is that the whole beginning not only takes place over a long period of time, but also spoils the revelation here. In my eyes, concentrating on the main part, with the reader not knowing that the believed-to-be-dead Lee is actually the new incarnation of the heroine would make it much more mysterious. She might actually mention that the previous incarnation saved her life by transferring her powers but dying herself in the process (which seems to have happened here). This way the twist with the wallet would have worked as the revelation for the reader too.
A Day at the Beach
Funny how similar, yet different this story turned out. The shark scene was a bit forced and it shows that the word limit was getting to you. Still, the main part of the story works well and the ending leaves some room for interpretation. The whole alien protector thing isn't my kind of deal here, but the mentioning of the rings and the hint of them being the source of her powers instead of her heritage makes up for it. Too bad the word limit cut the explanation a bit short here.
Come Ride With Me
I have to admit that I needed a second read to actually get what was going on. But yeah, it truly is the most literal interpretation and the fact that the girls powers remain mostly in the back due to her secret identity works pretty well here too. This makes the revelation a bit forced as well, although I there aren't too many ways to do this either. Overall a good story.
Homerun Shootout
The premise of the shootout left me rather cold, mostly because I'm not too familiar with Baseball, so the descriptions are a bit lost on me (not totally, though). The actual recreational activity was the chat afterwards, that gave some look into a larger universe and past events that I would like to see written eventually, and the "super" version of the shootout in the end. Of all those, the middle part seems the best here.
Power
Ok, the story was hard to swallow for me due to the formatting as well as the seemingly random phrases that interrupted it. The premise of a virtual reality is all good and nice and I used a video game scenario myself, but making it a fan fiction limits it to those who know the original and I wasn't one of them. From that point it was rather confusing to follow.
The Book Club
Beta reader alert!
I'm always a sucker for temporary power stories, so the existence of a super serum and the transformation had me hooked up already. Aside from that Kimberly is a bit of a morally grey character. She plays the heroine every now and then, but mostly she seems to use the serum to feel and be powerful and sexy - and the occasional everyday use. As selfish as that sounds, it's what makes her a believable character. The part with the super serum laced brownies is just outright hillarious and ends up with a scene every guy would like to be in: a room full of sexy ubergirls. Too bad the story has to end there, as it would be nice to know how things continue from there
Walking down a new path
Beta reader alert!
This story also utilizes the video game scenario, but with an entire fictional game that makes it easier to believe the ingame scenes are the actual story. This makes the main characters switch from being the good superheroine to causing major havoc all the more surprising at first, but the revelation kind of explains it. Who hasn't played a game with a karma meter behaving all nice only to go berserk for the hell of it at one point? I also liked the twist about the heroine being wheelchair-bound in real life.
A Blast from the Past
Let me say it first: I really like the main part of the story with Lee visiting her boyfriend again. There's just two things about the story that rub me the wrong way. First it's being a fanfiction where it makes little sense to be so. Powergirl isn't exactly a legacy heroine and the question why Lee took her place isn't answered so it boils down to "because of the image". Aside from my personal dislike of using fan fiction, the use of an original character would have been better suited here. Another point is that the whole beginning not only takes place over a long period of time, but also spoils the revelation here. In my eyes, concentrating on the main part, with the reader not knowing that the believed-to-be-dead Lee is actually the new incarnation of the heroine would make it much more mysterious. She might actually mention that the previous incarnation saved her life by transferring her powers but dying herself in the process (which seems to have happened here). This way the twist with the wallet would have worked as the revelation for the reader too.
A Day at the Beach
Funny how similar, yet different this story turned out. The shark scene was a bit forced and it shows that the word limit was getting to you. Still, the main part of the story works well and the ending leaves some room for interpretation. The whole alien protector thing isn't my kind of deal here, but the mentioning of the rings and the hint of them being the source of her powers instead of her heritage makes up for it. Too bad the word limit cut the explanation a bit short here.
Come Ride With Me
I have to admit that I needed a second read to actually get what was going on. But yeah, it truly is the most literal interpretation and the fact that the girls powers remain mostly in the back due to her secret identity works pretty well here too. This makes the revelation a bit forced as well, although I there aren't too many ways to do this either. Overall a good story.
Homerun Shootout
The premise of the shootout left me rather cold, mostly because I'm not too familiar with Baseball, so the descriptions are a bit lost on me (not totally, though). The actual recreational activity was the chat afterwards, that gave some look into a larger universe and past events that I would like to see written eventually, and the "super" version of the shootout in the end. Of all those, the middle part seems the best here.
Power
Ok, the story was hard to swallow for me due to the formatting as well as the seemingly random phrases that interrupted it. The premise of a virtual reality is all good and nice and I used a video game scenario myself, but making it a fan fiction limits it to those who know the original and I wasn't one of them. From that point it was rather confusing to follow.
The Book Club
Beta reader alert!
I'm always a sucker for temporary power stories, so the existence of a super serum and the transformation had me hooked up already. Aside from that Kimberly is a bit of a morally grey character. She plays the heroine every now and then, but mostly she seems to use the serum to feel and be powerful and sexy - and the occasional everyday use. As selfish as that sounds, it's what makes her a believable character. The part with the super serum laced brownies is just outright hillarious and ends up with a scene every guy would like to be in: a room full of sexy ubergirls. Too bad the story has to end there, as it would be nice to know how things continue from there
Walking down a new path
Beta reader alert!
This story also utilizes the video game scenario, but with an entire fictional game that makes it easier to believe the ingame scenes are the actual story. This makes the main characters switch from being the good superheroine to causing major havoc all the more surprising at first, but the revelation kind of explains it. Who hasn't played a game with a karma meter behaving all nice only to go berserk for the hell of it at one point? I also liked the twist about the heroine being wheelchair-bound in real life.
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03 Nov 2013 08:30 #33970
by njae
Now that the workshop is over I'd like to thank those who took the time to comment on my entry. Receiving feedback has always been - and probably will always be - one of the biggest motivators for me so I don't want to let the feedback I did receive go unappreciated.
Replied by njae on topic Summer Workshop - Now On
castor wrote: ...
A couple that plays together
This one is a clever little short story and captures its momment well. The desire to connect with someone who needs connection does work. And its metaphor for superpowers as illness works well for it. Was thinking of the similar fragile bindings-but this one takes the idea to much more optimistic place. Which is what i like more of this story. Its optimism it sence that they will work through this problem and learn to deal with it. You capture it bueatifuly in such a short space.
Anon wrote: ...
A Couple That Plays Together Stays Together
Beta reader alert
This story is one of those that touch a bit that is very interesting for me: adjusting to superpowers. As I observed in the past both in our stories and in the mainstream media, this bit is often overlooked. I like how the initial sense of frustration is displayed and bits like the no human contact scene really sell it. Also I think that the basic idea that worrying about what are you doing usually increase the magnitude of the problems is spot on.
So, great message, excellent writing and a bit of romance in the end, this is a definite keeper for me.
Would it work at 1000 words?
Maybe. The story is still a single scene, so it might be possible to shorten it at the required length, although the interaction might not come through as good as it is.
Solaris wrote: ...
A couple that plays together...
Beta reader alert!
This story shows something that most people do not touch up on, a recent supergirl trying to get control over her abilities. And trust me, I've been there myself! Her frustration grows as she even tries to play a video game with her boyfriend, which results in the tension of her even trying to have physical contact with her boyfriend. However, he wins her over and she was able to control her strength. And in usual fashion, she discovers a new ability at the end that's attached to her happiness
Now that the workshop is over I'd like to thank those who took the time to comment on my entry. Receiving feedback has always been - and probably will always be - one of the biggest motivators for me so I don't want to let the feedback I did receive go unappreciated.
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