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Summer Workshop - Now On
Firstly I would like to say that this is one of the best entered workshops we have had for some time, we have eight, yes eight entries and one by a new writer which is always great to see. The theme of the workshop was “A recreational activity with a supergirl”. Each of the writers has approached this theme in different ways, and I have to say after reading them all there is not a bad entry there. It's also good to see that the writers have also approached the new word count limit with vigor and enthusiasm. Lastly the voting for this workshop will start from midnight tonight for 2 weeks 31st October at which time I will announce the winner.
So please join me in thanking all the writers
Fats
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Walking down a new path
okay i am a little biased agianst it. My story isn't that diffrent then this one. But this does have a good sence of just frustration-of desire to burn the world down. It works well as that of an angry woman dealing with her rage.and the coda is clever-while the music is a bit predictable of the VR, the notes of oracle aren't. Theres a deep cut ness to the comicbook refrences that gives it a fun edge.
HomeRun shootout
This story has a good sence of superheroine as just super-beings that are addored by the world. its not the super powers that make supergirls super but people standing up and pointing and the baseball setting is a good forum for it. GeekSeven is always very good at that kind of stuff, and also at making character seem imperfect in a human way. There is egotism here-but there is believable egotism. These characters know what they can do and do it. And create a momment of friendly connection, of two girls in a bar that works.
A couple that plays together
This one is a clever little short story and captures its momment well. The desire to connect with someone who needs connection does work. And its metaphor for superpowers as illness works well for it. Was thinking of the similar fragile bindings-but this one takes the idea to much more optimistic place. Which is what i like more of this story. Its optimism it sence that they will work through this problem and learn to deal with it. You capture it bueatifuly in such a short space.
A day at the beach
Okay the ending is a little cheep-but that works for it almost. this is another good story about a day at the beach and as superheroines just having fun with what they can do, and how they can make those close to them happy. it works for it. Yet this has a slight edge to it that works. A slight exasperation to the proceedings thats kind of fun. This doesn't quite feel safe, which is fun in super romance stories-and that helps it along.
Come ride with me
If there was an award for best use of theme, this is the one that would get it. There is a real good sence here of supergirl on there day off going that really works here. the kind of hey lets go to an amusment park and have fun. It works well with the rommance story, which feels like it would happen, it feels like people connecting. Yeah as a story with dialogue the formatting is a little weird, and the last line is a little tonally wrong, but it does have a nice bit of just joy, and how flittering connections can matter.
The Book Club
A movie I really recommend is “The Specials”-a film from about 10 years ago about misfits superheros. What I really love about it is the performance of Rob Lowe-hes the movie antagonist, yet hes not a supervillian, or even does anything illegal, nor does he ever want to. Hes just a superhero who in his quest to become liked alienates all of his friends. Its rare in any kind of superhero story.
But its That kind of edge makes this story kind of neat-Someone who isn’t evil, but in her quest to not give up the power for an afternoon gets not that serious comeuppance. Its kind of fun as a light fantasy adventure, that’s both gentle and kind of wicked. It feels a little short at the end, but it gets it tone.
A blast from the past
This is an old fashioned orgin story, well illustrated. It feels like a superhero comic-and an intresting mix of old fashion and modern-and the guy has a good sence of not quite taking it in. That kind of works-of the fantastic brought banal.
Overall a very good contest and everyone should really clap there hands
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Yeah, we're all so angry with you that we may have to dock your pay for this month.Anon wrote: "Power" is now fixed, I apologize for not catching it earlier, but I'm currently working with a different set-up than the one I'm used to.
Thanks!
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www1969 wrote:
Yeah, we're all so angry with you that we may have to dock your pay for this month.Anon wrote: "Power" is now fixed, I apologize for not catching it earlier, but I'm currently working with a different set-up than the one I'm used to.
Thanks!
Do I get paid for this?
My wallet tell me no.
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A Blast From the Past
This story has a rather unique set-up in this workshop because it features two very distinct parts, an origin and the main event. In a sense this makes the story a bit more interesting, although for some people the way the origin plays might be a problem. Personally I think that the first half is what sell the story (my judgement might be biased here, since I think that Yaya Ha is fantastic in that costume). While the second half could stand on its own legs, having just little a bit of explaation about who Lee is, opposed to witness her trnasformation might have hurt the final result.
Overall I think this is a solid piece, with a very classic feel. The origin gimmick is very hit or miss, I don't mind the idea of a power transfer at death, but I hate the whole amnesia deal.
Would it work at 1000 words?
Yes and no. I think that you can cut the story at 1000, but you would have to sacrifice the first half, lessening the overall impact of it.
A Couple That Plays Together Stays Together
Beta reader alert
This story is one of those that touch a bit that is very interesting for me: adjusting to superpowers. As I observed in the past both in our stories and in the mainstream media, this bit is often overlooked. I like how the initial sense of frustration is displayed and bits like the no human contact scene really sell it. Also I think that the basic idea that worrying about what are you doing usually increase the magnitude of the problems is spot on.
So, great message, excellent writing and a bit of romance in the end, this is a definite keeper for me.
Would it work at 1000 words?
Maybe. The story is still a single scene, so it might be possible to shorten it at the required length, although the interaction might not come through as good as it is.
A Day at the Beach
This story has a rather strange element to me: I like it overall, although in the beginning there's one bit that left me pondering. Everything from the revelation moment on plays on nicely and steady, but the opening scene with the shark ruse left me cold for some reason. I don't know much about lifeguard, but one of the general rules about rescue operators is "your life first", so the reaction of the male protagonist struck me a bit as hollywood wrong. Still, I think that even that bit plays out nicely in the end. I like the romantic overtone and the way several bits are played across the whole thing. The ending might seem a bit of a downer, and I honestly think it might have played a bit different, but it was still good to read.
Would it work at 1000 words?
Probably, again it's overall a rather straightforward scene, but the granularity of detail is what sell most of the scenes.
Come Ride With Me
Where to start with this one? In a sense this is probably the most literal interpretation of the whole theme. I have to say that the choice of leaving the supergirl identity and powers out of the picture for most of the story is both plus and a minus: on one hand it allows the first half to play more smoothly and have that "normality" feeling that I appreciate; on the other, it makes the ending quite stretched in my eyes. While there were hints of superpowers before, having the girl just dropping by in her super-identity seemed forced to me and dulled the overall delivery.
Would it work at 1000 words?
I think it would. While details would be lost, the main event can be squeezed.
Home Run Shootout
What seel this story in my mind is the middle part at the bar. While both the first and last scene are quite well written, it's the middle scene with its element of psychological characterization that makes the story works. I love the idea of the "third year crisis", it fits very well into my idea of a realistic supergirl and I think that the mentor-pupil relationship plays out really nice.
I really don't have anything bad to say about this story.
Would it work at 1000 words?
Possibly, as with "Ride" above, the meat os the story can probably be squeezed a bit, although this would make it unfit for the theme.
Power
Fair warning: my judgement here is very biased.
Power is in many ways the flip side of the coin respect to my entry, so my judgement might not be completly objective here. I think that the main problem with this story was the choice of refering to a very specific videogame franchise, instead of a generic one. While I admit that Saints Row was a partial inspiration or my entry too, the decision to use that franchise specifically took away some of the edge to the story. Those people that haven't played SR4 - like me - where at a disadvantage here, since a part of the story charm was lost due to the lack of previous knowledge.
Under the characterization point of view, both stories worked on the "letting out some steam angle" (pun not intended), but under very different circumstances. I don't think that one is really superior to the other in any way. Actually I like to see how I could have ended my story on a different note.
Would it work at 1000 words?
I think so. Aside from the "musical number" a lot of bits of the first half can be shortened to make the story move forward a bit faster.
The Book Club
Beta reader alert
Okay let me take this out of my system: I love this story!
In spite of its comparatively lack of action this story does two things that I love: deliver a morally grey supergirl, who does some good, but is also reasoably egoist, which is a great characterization that I like; and do a perfect merge of superpowers in RL situations. Even just the brownies scene in the opening sold the story for me, everything from that point onward was just like icing on the cake.
Again there's nothing bad I can say about this story.
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Ace
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ace191 wrote: It's no secret that I voted for 2500 words because I really don't like the short workshops and I already had this story plotted out. The Hobbie Cat scene and my original ending wound up on the cutting room floor. I wrote this as brief as I could saving every word, and after the above cuts, I had exactly 88 words left to punch it up and end it. I was a bit frustrated with the above which is why I ended it the way I did. I though it was a humorous and clever ending (as well as very short), but I guess it was not received that way.
Ace
Well, I think that the story works well nonetheless, Ace, which is usually the mark of a good writer.
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I'm going to be a bit frank, the first part of the story doesn't work for me as a short story. I'm not entirely sure how the power transfer works or why Powergirl was dying. Moreover, I do not feel that the amnesia bit works because she was slowly gaining her memory back in part two. Perhaps if you were able to integrate key elements of part one into part two then I think the story would be a lot stronger as a cohesive whole.
As for the second part, I really like it overall. There were very touching parts and the story made sense to me as a whole. However, setting the story in the future while using past tense threw me off here and there but it was nothing too bad overall. However, the ending of the story works quite well as well, adding more on to the mystery of her identity. The action scenes of the recreational activities were very much on par, even when she opts not to use her powers to climb a wall. Overall, if it was not for the first part, I feel that this would be a very solid story.
A couple that plays together...
Beta reader alert!
This story shows something that most people do not touch up on, a recent supergirl trying to get control over her abilities. And trust me, I've been there myself! Her frustration grows as she even tries to play a video game with her boyfriend, which results in the tension of her even trying to have physical contact with her boyfriend. However, he wins her over and she was able to control her strength. And in usual fashion, she discovers a new ability at the end that's attached to her happiness . The story has great characterization overall and I found myself smiling at the end. Overall, it is a good read and the recreational activity served as the main tool for their growth, which is not a easy feat in the first place.
A Day at the Beach
Immediately, the story starts out right in the middle or just about where the action starts, which pulls me in directly. However, I was also lost as to what happened in the beginning. The pacing sets out really nice as well, the actions flowed through as well as her trying to remain as normal as possible. The story then takes to a sudden turn for action, which was really nice. And I could appreciate the humor at the end of the story. Overall, I did like it though I felt that the recreational theme was downplayed from the rest of the story.
Come Ride With Me
I'll agree that this is the most literal interpretation of the theme, in which a supergirl just wants to relax and enjoy herself for a while before she has to deal with saving the world. I do agree with Anon that leaving her identity and her abilities a mystery works so well with the story. However, I don't get a sense of satisfaction as her reveal was rather heavy-handed and takes away a very satisfied ending. Also, I was very confused as to how the rings work.
Homerun Shootout
I must say that I really liked this story as a whole. The recreational activity was perfect in showing off what the two superwomen can do. However, what really got me was the middle part of the story as they formed a mentorship of sorts of mentor and mentoree between the two women. Even with the short explanations of the events that has happened prior to the homerun shootout, you get a great sense of character development as well as having sympathy for the younger superwoman. Overall, the action is great and you get a sense of satisfaction with the ending.
Power
This story did not work for me as a whole in terms of the formatting and structure. I was very lost and confused throughout the story, as well as getting lost as to where certain sections end and where did they start. Also the use of a trademark videogame did not work for me as well but her letting out some steam both in the game and in real life works for me as well. Overall, if the story was structured more conventionally then it would've been easier to follow and read.
Walking down a new path
beta reader alert!
I am going to say that this story was amazing to read and I'm glad I had the honor of beta-reading it. To be honest I was not expecting the story to have such a destructive supergirl doing what she wants to do nothing but give in to her baser instincts and destroy stuff. Then again, for a supergirl, destroying or completely decimating things may be a recreational activity if she's evil! Still, seeing her go from a hero to an anti-hero was great. The characterization was amazing as well. However, what got me was the ending when you find out that it was a created character for a MMO and the player herself is a paraplegic. This type of twist made it one of the best stories up there in the workshop along with the characterization of Ms. Amazon/Barbara. Also, nice Batgirl reference there Anon!
You'd think that superspeed would make me more punctual, huh?
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A Blast from the Past
Let me say it first: I really like the main part of the story with Lee visiting her boyfriend again. There's just two things about the story that rub me the wrong way. First it's being a fanfiction where it makes little sense to be so. Powergirl isn't exactly a legacy heroine and the question why Lee took her place isn't answered so it boils down to "because of the image". Aside from my personal dislike of using fan fiction, the use of an original character would have been better suited here. Another point is that the whole beginning not only takes place over a long period of time, but also spoils the revelation here. In my eyes, concentrating on the main part, with the reader not knowing that the believed-to-be-dead Lee is actually the new incarnation of the heroine would make it much more mysterious. She might actually mention that the previous incarnation saved her life by transferring her powers but dying herself in the process (which seems to have happened here). This way the twist with the wallet would have worked as the revelation for the reader too.
A Day at the Beach
Funny how similar, yet different this story turned out. The shark scene was a bit forced and it shows that the word limit was getting to you. Still, the main part of the story works well and the ending leaves some room for interpretation. The whole alien protector thing isn't my kind of deal here, but the mentioning of the rings and the hint of them being the source of her powers instead of her heritage makes up for it. Too bad the word limit cut the explanation a bit short here.
Come Ride With Me
I have to admit that I needed a second read to actually get what was going on. But yeah, it truly is the most literal interpretation and the fact that the girls powers remain mostly in the back due to her secret identity works pretty well here too. This makes the revelation a bit forced as well, although I there aren't too many ways to do this either. Overall a good story.
Homerun Shootout
The premise of the shootout left me rather cold, mostly because I'm not too familiar with Baseball, so the descriptions are a bit lost on me (not totally, though). The actual recreational activity was the chat afterwards, that gave some look into a larger universe and past events that I would like to see written eventually, and the "super" version of the shootout in the end. Of all those, the middle part seems the best here.
Power
Ok, the story was hard to swallow for me due to the formatting as well as the seemingly random phrases that interrupted it. The premise of a virtual reality is all good and nice and I used a video game scenario myself, but making it a fan fiction limits it to those who know the original and I wasn't one of them. From that point it was rather confusing to follow.
The Book Club
Beta reader alert!
I'm always a sucker for temporary power stories, so the existence of a super serum and the transformation had me hooked up already. Aside from that Kimberly is a bit of a morally grey character. She plays the heroine every now and then, but mostly she seems to use the serum to feel and be powerful and sexy - and the occasional everyday use. As selfish as that sounds, it's what makes her a believable character. The part with the super serum laced brownies is just outright hillarious and ends up with a scene every guy would like to be in: a room full of sexy ubergirls. Too bad the story has to end there, as it would be nice to know how things continue from there
Walking down a new path
Beta reader alert!
This story also utilizes the video game scenario, but with an entire fictional game that makes it easier to believe the ingame scenes are the actual story. This makes the main characters switch from being the good superheroine to causing major havoc all the more surprising at first, but the revelation kind of explains it. Who hasn't played a game with a karma meter behaving all nice only to go berserk for the hell of it at one point? I also liked the twist about the heroine being wheelchair-bound in real life.
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- njae
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castor wrote: Walking down a new path
okay i am a little biased agianst it. My story isn't that diffrent then this one. But this does have a good sence of just frustration-of desire to burn the world down. It works well as that of an angry woman dealing with her rage.and the coda is clever-while the music is a bit predictable of the VR, the notes of oracle aren't. Theres a deep cut ness to the comicbook refrences that gives it a fun edge.
Solaris wrote: Walking down a new path
beta reader alert!
I am going to say that this story was amazing to read and I'm glad I had the honor of beta-reading it. To be honest I was not expecting the story to have such a destructive supergirl doing what she wants to do nothing but give in to her baser instincts and destroy stuff. Then again, for a supergirl, destroying or completely decimating things may be a recreational activity if she's evil! Still, seeing her go from a hero to an anti-hero was great. The characterization was amazing as well. However, what got me was the ending when you find out that it was a created character for a MMO and the player herself is a paraplegic. This type of twist made it one of the best stories up there in the workshop along with the characterization of Ms. Amazon/Barbara. Also, nice Batgirl reference there Anon!
njae wrote: Walking down a new path
Beta reader alert!
This story also utilizes the video game scenario, but with an entire fictional game that makes it easier to believe the ingame scenes are the actual story. This makes the main characters switch from being the good superheroine to causing major havoc all the more surprising at first, but the revelation kind of explains it. Who hasn't played a game with a karma meter behaving all nice only to go berserk for the hell of it at one point? I also liked the twist about the heroine being wheelchair-bound in real life.
Thanks to al of you for the feedback. I know it might sound incredible, but I really didn't consider that I was basically recreating Barbara Gordon/Oracle with my main character, until I read Castor's post above. I don't know why, it just happened (most likely because she's one of the best handicapped characters ever written into comics). Still I'm glad that the tiwst an the involuntary references were appreciated.
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I know that the workshop end tomorrow, but come one people, a bit more feedback, please.
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I used to argue, And I still probably will, that you can’t write a good story in 1000 words. The Book Club is the closest thing IMO to challenge that line of thinking. With nearly half of the entitled words to spare, the story captures good visuals of a Supergirl trying to be a regular Girl. The end result is the reader begging to read more. When dealing with a limited WS, I suppose that, that is and should be the end goal.
My only complaint was that it’s too short. As I was reading the story, I thought for sure it was going to go in a certain direction….And then it just ended.
Considering that Death of a Salesman is as controversial in its meaning as it is terrible…=) I thought that, during an argument while discussing the book. Somebody ends up using their heat vision, not even realizing they have it….Or gets punched through a wall….Or all of the above…All the while Kim has to control the situation the best she can. With over 800 words to spare….I think it would have worked.
All that being said…Great story!
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You'd think that superspeed would make me more punctual, huh?
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Your good with detail, and in a couple of words making a world and a character-like i said really liked how just ever so slightly selfish the lead was.
and the ending worked-ending it with like a superbattle or a big relevation scene of them destroying the house whould have been superflucious. .
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castor wrote: ...
A couple that plays together
This one is a clever little short story and captures its momment well. The desire to connect with someone who needs connection does work. And its metaphor for superpowers as illness works well for it. Was thinking of the similar fragile bindings-but this one takes the idea to much more optimistic place. Which is what i like more of this story. Its optimism it sence that they will work through this problem and learn to deal with it. You capture it bueatifuly in such a short space.
Anon wrote: ...
A Couple That Plays Together Stays Together
Beta reader alert
This story is one of those that touch a bit that is very interesting for me: adjusting to superpowers. As I observed in the past both in our stories and in the mainstream media, this bit is often overlooked. I like how the initial sense of frustration is displayed and bits like the no human contact scene really sell it. Also I think that the basic idea that worrying about what are you doing usually increase the magnitude of the problems is spot on.
So, great message, excellent writing and a bit of romance in the end, this is a definite keeper for me.
Would it work at 1000 words?
Maybe. The story is still a single scene, so it might be possible to shorten it at the required length, although the interaction might not come through as good as it is.
Solaris wrote: ...
A couple that plays together...
Beta reader alert!
This story shows something that most people do not touch up on, a recent supergirl trying to get control over her abilities. And trust me, I've been there myself! Her frustration grows as she even tries to play a video game with her boyfriend, which results in the tension of her even trying to have physical contact with her boyfriend. However, he wins her over and she was able to control her strength. And in usual fashion, she discovers a new ability at the end that's attached to her happiness . The story has great characterization overall and I found myself smiling at the end. Overall, it is a good read and the recreational activity served as the main tool for their growth, which is not a easy feat in the first place.
Now that the workshop is over I'd like to thank those who took the time to comment on my entry. Receiving feedback has always been - and probably will always be - one of the biggest motivators for me so I don't want to let the feedback I did receive go unappreciated.
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