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file Spring 2016 Workshop - comments

03 Aug 2016 23:29 - 03 Aug 2016 23:30 #49421 by Woodclaw
Spring 2016 Workshop - comments was created by Woodclaw
Okay, here we are. Six stories for you to enjoy and comment ready and waiting right here .

As usual this thread is only for comments and feedback, the voting poll will go online over the nect few days.

Happy reading people :)

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"What is the point of having free will if one cannot occasionally spit in the eye of destiny?" ("Gentleman" John Marcone)
Last edit: 03 Aug 2016 23:30 by Woodclaw.

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04 Aug 2016 23:38 #49445 by AuGoose
Replied by AuGoose on topic Spring 2016 Workshop - comments
Well this has been a smorgasbord of delights. Amazing to see how many different colors of flowers could grow from a single seed :cheer:.

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06 Aug 2016 17:17 #49476 by fats
Replied by fats on topic Spring 2016 Workshop - comments
Voting is now live, link is in the menu.

Fats
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06 Aug 2016 17:24 #49477 by TwiceOnThursdays
Replied by TwiceOnThursdays on topic Spring 2016 Workshop - comments
I'm not done reading all the stories yet, so I don't I'm not going to comment on individual entries. But I have to say that this workshop is filled with an interesting variety of answers. All the entries are strong/awesome, and vary significantly from one another. It's fantastic, and I feel spoiled.

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08 Aug 2016 01:30 #49495 by castor
Replied by castor on topic Spring 2016 Workshop - comments
Crimson High

I have seen the "Girl Touches/sleeps with Superman/superboy and steals his powers" before story. Its been around and i think theres a couple on the site. A lot of the general flow of this story of her relucrances acceptance etc is around. But well so are all stories here.

But that said i do like some of the details. The Racial stuff is...perhaps a little akward, but not offensive and it does give it a kinda of intresting verve-you often see outsiders but that kinda stuff is rarely mentioned-and that works for its favor. There is something to just how the story progresses, and DKC is a talented writer for the details of her desire and how it changes and grows as she litterally starts to fly.

15 minutes of Fame


This story starts of a little blah...but it...

yeah.

yeah.

Ths story has a fevor to it. Which is certainly something . once the main action gets going it is described in glorious detail, astondingly so. Godlike characters can be boring and this isn't the most intresting main character ever , but the sure grip of her actions do create intrest the kind of half grin of something thats going on and you can't look away-which is what i am getting from the story. Stories about Sex can be easy. Stories about Masturbation an be hard, as its a werid little thing-but you nail it i think you get the pure desire of it all that yo know isn't somehow right, but its there.
I think the song lyrics stuff-ehh, but the main thrust of the story is something impossible and gorgious.

Supergirl and Superwoman

This is a clever idea i am kinda suprised i haven't seen before, and takes some of the limitations of the contest and uses it for stronggest strength. thie idea of someone both the hero and anti hero same sides of the coin is a neat one This a great story about justification and the seduction of power at all levels, and i like it for that. its a neat tale. I was thinking it may be better if their was a diffrent point of view (i think its one of the underrated strengths of Dr. Jeckyl and Mr Hyde) but you know direct from the person itself does let us see whats going on well. Its well done.

Its problem comes from the fact that it maybe feels a little long for the short story your telling and one to many bits of supergirl being awesome. If this was a novel i wouldn't mind but well i donno. The Fact that it doesn'treally have an ending is also there-but that said i do like the clifhanger ending twist-and like the best clifhangers i am content that it just stays there.

The Guardian

This is a veyr neat combination of a superhero story and a Cop story. and you can really vividness of it. a lot of the beats of the police story from the cop on the edge, taken of the case possibly gulty are very vividly told and have a lot of nice details of a world where if you look up you see some strange shit, bt you don't necessiarly look up all the time. like the kind of ratty seedy little world and the details of it get mixed well. Theres an intresting main character, and intresting drive to it. GeekSeven is gerat at making good characters who you don't necessairly like, but are compleing main characters none the less.

however the problem i ended up having is it turns out not to be a particularly good superhero story or it doesn't mesh well. Isn't it enough that she wants to kill the person who murdered her husband without some kind of tendrals of pure evil?The good and evil component of the story is ehh. The superhero team and diva had momments but as the story left the streets and her quest into a kinda big battle story-it lost a little bit of its verve. Also the lesbian desire stuff towards ends, which is litterally its last sentances just seem little out of place It may have worked if Diva was more of the Femme Fatale then she ended up being but she seemed to defined . I think it would have been a more intresting story if all the fake justice leuage stuff was taken out-but there is an intresting contrast. Its a world of black and white and world of grey-and sometimes next to each it feels intresting.

Shae Escape My Sight

Clearly the best story.

Touch N Go- this is the most lark like of the story, a fun kinda of innocnet little tale of a girl gianing-and loosing -and gaining back superpowers. Its a lot like what this board does well. Yeah the Fan fiction ellement are confusingly complex, but not bad. its a neat little touchs really-and it goes places. this is marked as an introduction and i would like to read more
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08 Aug 2016 05:23 - 08 Aug 2016 05:26 #49500 by AuGoose
Replied by AuGoose on topic Spring 2016 Workshop - comments
As we're still in the voting stage I'm going to refrain from commenting on the work of the other authors in detail other than to say I had a great time reading them all and feel like I got out story-teller'd more than once - a very gratifying sensation indeed.

...And that regardless of which tale wins, thedoc9 gets a hearty round of applause for an outstanding first offering to the site. ((applause))

In regards to the use of lyrics in Fifteen Minutes of Fame~
Warning: Spoiler! [ Click to expand ]
Last edit: 08 Aug 2016 05:26 by AuGoose.
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09 Aug 2016 03:49 #49522 by TwiceOnThursdays
Replied by TwiceOnThursdays on topic Spring 2016 Workshop - comments
When's voting over?

I'm almost ready to put up some comments. I've written down most of them and I'm review them.

(what a great crop of stories.)

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09 Aug 2016 03:50 - 09 Aug 2016 10:59 #49523 by Dru1076
Replied by Dru1076 on topic Spring 2016 Workshop - comments
A great effort by all. Once again, we are all workshop winners. Voting is gonna be real difficult...

"Stupid Reality!" - Homer J. Simpson
Last edit: 09 Aug 2016 10:59 by Dru1076.

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10 Aug 2016 04:30 #49530 by AuGoose
Replied by AuGoose on topic Spring 2016 Workshop - comments
Don't get me wrong: I WANT to hear other folk's commentary on any and all of them. Just as a candidate for choosing the theme next time (heh heh hehhhh...) I'm not going to extol their virtues or dissect them. Yet.

But like most writers, I look suspiciously like a cat arching its back to rub as hard against the hand petting it as possible when getting a little feedback. It's a powerful incentive to write more :).

<Gollum Voice>
We loveses the feedback. Yes we do... Precious!
</Gollum voice>

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10 Aug 2016 17:41 #49537 by Woodclaw
Replied by Woodclaw on topic Spring 2016 Workshop - comments
I'm still one story short from a full read and the comments are still being written, but so far I have to congratulate all the authors for how many directions they were able to take a single suggestion: this is what I look for a in a workshop and you're all to praise for it ::cheer::

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10 Aug 2016 17:50 #49538 by Woodclaw
Replied by Woodclaw on topic Spring 2016 Workshop - comments

TwiceOnThursdays wrote: When's voting over?

I'm almost ready to put up some comments. I've written down most of them and I'm review them.

(what a great crop of stories.)


I'm not 100% sure, but I think it should run about 10 days more or so, ending around the 20th of August.

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11 Aug 2016 02:18 #49540 by TwiceOnThursdays
Replied by TwiceOnThursdays on topic Spring 2016 Workshop - comments
As I said previously, I really liked the submissions this time. There was a great variety of styles as well as content. I'm not sure what factors made this happen, but it's something I'd like to see more of.

I read this in the order they were i the list so that's the order I'll comment on them. Hopefully my comments are useful, though the TL;DR is that every story is is fantastic. If I make a critique it's mostly as I'm trying to find something constructive to say, not because I really found anything wrong with the stories. Comments have really helped me when I do manage to write, so this is my own attempt to give back.

Crimson High

I really liked this. Naveen is really well defined, and you get to know her and her choices. There's a big payoff with that as she begins to change. I like how Superboy's uncharacteristic rape was handled, enough that you know what is likely going on, but told from Naveen's viewpoint so she doesn't understand. That pays off later too, when the tide shifts and Naveen is on the other end.

Some really great descriptions of Naveen and how the changes make her already incredible body more so. It's a trope that women undergo breast augmentation when they change, it's a pleasant change of pace that that really doesn't happen to Naveen. Instead she gets more fit, and more willing to show off her existing assets, which do look much better on her new frame and their newly acquired firmness.

There is a delightful look at moral ambiguity. Naveen wants to be good, but does some bad things along that path. At first some were out of her control, but then she willing addresses that, and keeps going.

If anything the ending weakens that part of the story. It shows Clark at ease with the changes, and Naveen doing good in the world. It's all consensual now, and everyone is happy. I guess it's nice to know that it all works out in the end, but I liked the moral ambiguity. She is trying to justify her actions of her keeping her powers, because Superboy wouldn't be up to the task, but she's also not giving Superboy any choice in the matter.

Awesome story and it set a great tone for the rest of the contest.

Fifteen Minutes of Fame

This is a much lighter fare, it does have some moral ambiguity, but it mostly side steps that with the setup. Is someone responsible for their actions when they go mega-nymph? Are any of the victims really complaining?

This is a straight-forward sendup, and there is a lot that I love here. This is chock full of a nice transformation scene, and that is the core of a lot of these stories. There is a sort of mad intensity to this, as she's racing the clock and reveling in each level she transforms too. That energy is what drives this story and makes it work.

I love it when the woman is in control over what his happening to her. Katie tricks the voice into making the deal, and then quickly takes control and gains power much broader and faster than the being ever though possible. That leads to the next trope I love, when she turns the table on the voice, and he fails to stop her. The voice may have been the one to grant her initial wager, but it's Katie lustfully grabbing for power all the way.

I also love that little Ella gets a nice helping in this, granting us with yet another transformation scene. This story knows what some of us want, and keeps delivering it. If it has a weakness it's that it hits this mark like a mega-nyph through an Olympic Village. (Each Olympics have to have 100,000 condoms for the athletes due to all the sex that happens.) Like the victims of a mega-nymph, I'm not complaining about it one bit.

Supergirl and Superwoman

This is the story that embraced the darker side of transference the most. It's got the lure: you can have anything you want, but you must kill every day. I love the split, where she decides to be Supergirl for Good and Superwoman for evil. Her first kill, she switches to a man, but she doesn't seem to like that, and afterwards switches to a mature woman to continue.

Even absent that she still takes unmoral liberties. She can justify herself all she wants, but she still overwrote her new foster parents lives without consent, even going so far as to 'repair' their marriage. I do like this detail, it's consistent with what the character would have wished for, but it's also dark, despite how she tries to justify it to herself.

I do like her almost frantic attempts to do good as Supergirl to justify to herself what she has to do to continue her fantasy life. She started in a morally dark place and never really faced that problem.

I think this might have gone on a bit too long. It either needed to figure out something else it needed to say, and expand into a longer story, or be shorter. I think if it were longer it might need to delve more into the split of the personality, and maybe adding some moral greyness into the selection of the targets. I'm not sure how I'd suggest condensing it (this is my largest weakness as a writer, and why it takes so long for me to write, I spend a lot of time trying to get the story on target. So maybe I'm projecting....)

I do feel that this is the story I most need to read again, part of that is I was really tired when I read it, and partly because I think I'd enjoy reading it again the most.

Guardian

Remember when I was talking about different voices? Holy shit. A police procedural super-femme story. Sure Powers exists in this space, but it's focus was on the cops that handle super-heroes, not on ordinary Detectives. I guess I really enjoy things that blend two genres, and I REALLY enjoy things that blend two genres effortlessly and well.

The characters in this story were all well defined. They were bits of pieces of characters that you'd expect to find in this kind of story. We've seen Lorenzo before in other stories, he's still his own character here, but tropes aren't BAD, they help set the mood. The story even has the being called in front of the chief and loosing badge scene, again with it's own twists.

I'm pretty much in awe of this entire story, kudos to GeekSeven.

I loved the juxtaposition of Icon with the police procedure elements she works along side and against that. There is a bit of a mismatch here, the two worlds colliding. The gritty noir world with the shiny super hero world. But then, I love how the ending plays back on that. "I'm a goddess not a hero."

I loved the villain too, and the story rightly works to divine what her plot was and why she did what she did. It's not too elaborate, but it works.

There might have been a bit too much in the middle about her facing the evil that is consuming her. I loved all the training and use of her power scenes, but I'm not sure they needed to be in the story. It does help sell her slow decent into evil, and that is one of the things asked for in this particular contest, the "catch", so it's not too out of place given the context.

Shall Escape my Sight

This seemed a bit out of place with the topic, but, it's very well crafted. I love taking apart comic book physics which make zero sense. We normally focus on the Kryptonian physics problems, and a bit about Flash Physics problems -- but this is an awesome send up of the problems of Green Lantern.

Touch 'N Go

Be gentle? First time? No need to be gentle, because this story is fantastic, doubly so for a first time entrant. PLEASE WRITE MORE. MUCH MORE. And more of this. ;-)

It's good to have the little disclaimer at the top. I do find that worrying about consistency is something the old DC writers never did, so why should someone using their mythos worry about it either? They regularly wrote "fantasy stories" that were never meant to be part of the real timeline. And now we have elseworlds storys and the multiverse. It's much better to write a story and just use whatever characters you want. It's not like anything we write is canon. This story is a great example of that, pulling from the palette to get characters to make the story.

The main reason I write is fun, and that seems to be the impetus here. This story is fun from the start to finish, and it leaves me wanting more.

The fun starts with the basic plot: Fan Girl gets powers. Liz is so well defined, and so into her costuming, that it makes the later part of her getting dressed with her new Power Girl enhanced body extra enjoyable.

This story has just enough of everything: the proper setup of the world, the introduction to the character and her motivations, her empowering scene, her later enhancement scene, her learning her powers, her enjoying her powers, and lastly, her getting into her costume. It's a great example of how all this can be done, and done quickly and efficiently. thedoc9 glides through all these with the exact right amount of detail, but no more, which keeps the story flowing.

"And how could she get them BACK."

Yes, that's a story that I'm sure we all want to read!
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13 Aug 2016 12:03 #49580 by Woodclaw
Replied by Woodclaw on topic Spring 2016 Workshop - comments
Okay here's my comments more or less in reading order.

Touch & Go by Doc9
It's always great when a new author decide to chime in and I have to say that Doc9 shows great potential. Though the story is very linear it shows that Doc knows the tools of our particular genre and how to use them. The timing is good, the delivery is spot on and the ending is ripe for more to come, which makes me happy because it means that this won't be a standalone piece. If one might argue that this story is cute, but otherwise very typical, I say that it's a perfect introduction piece that shows the perfect amount of talent, skill and ingenuity.

Shall Escape My Sight ... by Castor
This story is kind of the ugly duckling of the bunch for me. I'm not too much of a fan of deconstructing superheroes, it's a fun exercise once in a while, but I've seen it done way too often to enjoy it. For me this story stopped two steps beyond being fun. At first Hil's remarks were all nice and funny, poking at the incostincency of the scene, but after the second one all I wanted to do was to jump into the page and scream: "He's dying you asshole! Shut the fuck up and listen!"
If this effect was what Castor was aiming for then chapeau to him, he go me dead on, but otherwise this constant pushing from Hil killed any fun I could find in this story and the fact that after all of that she took the ring and accepted the irreality of it all in strides, just didn't gel with the main scene.

Guardian by G7
Holy flipping hell! :woohoo: That was my first reaction when I read this story. G7 delivered the story I alwasy wanted to write and I never knew. What sell this story for me is a combination of two factors: first of all each and every major character has a voice, this often a big problem because -- as writers -- we tend to write each and every character with a variation of our own speech, here I can see and ear each one as a separate entity; the second, and most significant bit, is the clashing between the superheroic and police side of crime-fighting. I love to dabble in the grey area in the middle and this story literally drips it in spades, the line about "superheroes either fight giant disasters or pettiest crime" pretty much sums it up perfectly. It's a very well balanced combination that re-introduce us to a setting that G7 visited once before (Ultima and her agony beam are nice nods to Dusty and G7's past work) and show us some of the behind the scenes of a superheroic world, another obsession of mine.
From the technical point of view there's nothing I can say, but I have to agree with some of the previous judgment that the potential rebound lesbian love story felt a little out of place, although I have to agree that I can see how or why she would have that kind of reaction to the local WonderWoman-Analogue.

Supergirl and Superwoman by Ace191
Okay this story took me a bit to wrap my head around: in a way we can say that it's 99% catch, but the catch lacks a bite, apparently. On the surface the main character has all the aces in her hand and she's not afraid to play them. She find a way to trick the catch pretty damn soon, and makes her life as close to a commedy as possible, until the last lines twist the whole story like a "Twilight Zone" episode: the real catch wasn't that she had to kill, but that to do so without having moral issue she basically created a split personality for herself that might or might not took control of her life. In the end Supergirl is really the goody two-shoes hero and Superwoman is the egotistical villain, but neither of them is the real character anymore: the little unhappy girl of the start killed herself to live her dream. We can argue that she was a morally abusive character before (i.e. brainwashing the universe into thinking she was adopted and so on) and that Superwoman is the real her, but I don't think that would be fair. She wasn't evil, just a bad combination of selfish and desperate.
Unfortunately, this effect is a bit lost by the pacing of the story. The story didn't really take of until the main character does her big reveal and, unfortunately, this means that the story has no real hook until then and this means that more than one reader might arrive at the end only carried by inertia, rather than with the passione needed to get the final twist. In a way this story is too long for what it is, but too short for what it might be.

Fifteen Minutes of Fame by Augoose
Over ten years ago, Yosh set the bar for transformation scenes with the first chapter of Serena: her dived deep into a part of our narrative that, while key was often overlooked by giving us a slow frame-by-frame look into it. What AuGoose did here was taking that same pattern and pushed it one notch up. In Serena the transformation was uncontrolled and we experienced it's consequences through Serena's eyes; here we see something just as slow, but calculated and planned, a perfect clockwork mechanism built and staged by a woman who is definetely more than super even without powers.
Strangely enough what I liked most is that AuGoose decided to focus on the titanic clash of wills in the end, but rather to deliver us a twist end. It wasn't as thought-provoking as Ace's, but it was perfect for the situation at hand.
The one thing that left me a bit cold is that the plot that started the whole thing (the SF-Angel) pretty much faded into obscurity from the start, not really giving us a good measuring stick, although this is probably me being a nitpicker.
If Guardian has, for my tastes, the better narrative, this story has the better fleshing out of a scene.

Crimson High by DKC
After reading this story I had to come back to Ace's and wonder if DKC and Ace had somehow switched places. DCK is arguably a master of the bad ubergirls genre and this foray into the other side of the pond is very welcome from me. What I like the most about this piece is the pacing of Naveen's development, she doesn't take it in strides, nor she take ages to get them, the trial and error process is very well crafted and hit a high note for me. The dwindling morality of many elements of this piece help live up a story that was otherwise told and retold many times over and the ethnic issues add a, sadly unexplored, element (BTW, I wonder if some of Naveen's dreams are actually aborted endings that DKC toyed with).
What I had issues with is the setting, the whole set-up seem more like a theater than a real place, nobody seem to notice Clark being missing for days, teachers are pretty much non-existant like the adults in a Peanuts comic-strip, all these little details are clearly needed to further the plot, but every now and then I had to pause and refocus my suspension of disbelief (the fact that I was incredibly tired when I read that might have colored my judgement).
In general I think that the pacing and the narrative are all very strong until Day 13-14, at that point the plot is ripe, but the events seem to precipitate at ludicrous speed: everything tumbles down because of a deus-ex-machina (Luthor) and things goes from bad to worst in a matter of minutes. The epilogue on the island I liked, but that last two days before ... I think they needed to be fleshed out more.

HEre we go, I'm not sure how objective I was in my evaluation, but this is how I feel right now. My compliments once again to you all guys :)

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14 Aug 2016 00:04 #49590 by ace191
Replied by ace191 on topic Spring 2016 Workshop - comments
First off, I would like to thank all the authors who participated in the Workshop. I think we had something like 70 to 80 thousand words of entertainment to browse through. I would also like to thank everyone who provided feedback as that is always something that is nice to get.

I have enough trouble just writing and I have never felt that I do it well enough to critique others. There are some things that I can critique, but writing is not one of them.

But I absolutely enjoy reading the stories and I feel a little guilty that I have not participated more than I have recently. I tried to take D_K_C's advice on how to win a workshop. Come up with a great idea and write twenty thousand words. I actually ended up with twenty five thousand.

The above was a departure from my usual quick paced action packed tale. I was very interested in how it would be received which is why I am very appreciative of everyone's feedback

Ace
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14 Aug 2016 01:46 #49591 by d_k_c
Replied by d_k_c on topic Spring 2016 Workshop - comments
Ummm....probably not the best advice I could offer, But I think you might have misunderstood what I meant.

The length of a story should be determined by it's plot...or, how many plots points you have in a story and how long it takes to resolve those points.

Your story is very good. And I can go on for sometime on what I like about it. What goes against it, is it's length. You had an idea, it was a good idea. But I couldn't help but wonder, where did the ring come from? What was the voice she heard, who's was it?

I think that had you focused more on the "Catch" length would not have been an issue. I think instead of a life a day....A soul for every one of her wishes, would have made more sense. Perhaps Kelly might have hid the ring or threw it away had it not been for the fact that she already wished that the vase turn blue. If she couldn't satisfy the ring's quota - the ring would simply take her soul. That then sends her down the rabbit hole. I think at least that would have prevented her from going on a wishing spree. And remove the readers feeling that she's all powerful. Despite the fact that she wished to have superpowers.....The ring clearly has the potential to take it up a million notches. I couldn't help but wonder why she couldn't simply wish every one of her dilemma's to go away. And if the consequences were inconvenient, simply wish to undo that wish.

My stories have length because I strive for completion. One of the biggest knocks against Crimson high....is that the ending felt rushed and that the story ended too soon. The reality is, I was rushed and I ended the story too soon. Supanji was long as well, but only long enough to complete the game. Every paragraph I write, isn't to increase the word count, but rather tie off plot points and get to the end. If I can accomplish that in 10 000 words kudos to me.....But it usually takes me much longer.

Someone once said, that if you can write a brilliant stories in 10000 words or less....You've got talent. I agree with that statement cause god knows, I couldn't do it.

Again, Ace....Brilliant story....Glad to see you writing again. We'll have to collaborate one of these days if your open to it.
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14 Aug 2016 02:27 #49592 by ace191
Replied by ace191 on topic Spring 2016 Workshop - comments
Remember, I still have those two TGK commissions from a certain story we had talked about continuing.

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14 Aug 2016 10:43 #49597 by castor
Replied by castor on topic Spring 2016 Workshop - comments

Woodclaw wrote: O

Shall Escape My Sight ... by Castor
This story is kind of the ugly duckling of the bunch for me. I'm not too much of a fan of deconstructing superheroes, it's a fun exercise once in a while, but I've seen it done way too often to enjoy it. For me this story stopped two steps beyond being fun. At first Hil's remarks were all nice and funny, poking at the incostincency of the scene, but after the second one all I wanted to do was to jump into the page and scream: "He's dying you asshole! Shut the fuck up and listen!"
If this effect was what Castor was aiming for then chapeau to him, he go me dead on, but otherwise this constant pushing from Hil killed any fun I could find in this story and the fact that after all of that she took the ring and accepted the irreality of it all in strides, just didn't gel with the main scene.
.

HEre we go, I'm not sure how objective I was in my evaluation, but this is how I feel right now. My compliments once again to you all guys :)


Theres a long tradition in comedy of doing two characters who are not entirely likable- asholess basically, dicks you can see where they come from Asholes...which is where i am coming from.

I came to the conclussion on this story that this would make a good Robot Chicken Sketch-becuse thats basically what it is. A sketch- a comedy short peice. And if you don't like Robot Chicken thats fine-i don't always like robot chicken, and as such the basic likability isn't an issue-if anything it is kinda of a sick joke that she is having a conversation about the abstract nature of color theroy why he is dying out.(which she in the end is to wraped up to even notice). And i think you can get away with it in a 2570 word story . Not sure if you can get away with this in anovel or even a longer peice...But well its a sketch.

Something i wrote and kinda realized as a good writing lession-which is Green Lantern is bullshit on 20 diffrent levels as a concept-but the thing that people always flag on it is "Why is Abin sur flying a space ship?" not "Why is it based on an inherent concept of color theroy that is completly based on earth western culutre"....but well they have been doing it for 50 years so....

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15 Aug 2016 04:59 #49612 by fats
Replied by fats on topic Spring 2016 Workshop - comments
Just to let to all know that the workshop ends on the 20th (5 days) and there are 100 incomplete votes still waiting to be completed, the poll is currently very tight and a vote or two can swing it.

So get voting!!!!

Fats

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21 Aug 2016 02:44 #49750 by pansardum
Replied by pansardum on topic Spring 2016 Workshop - comments
So I finally took time to read through all the submissions. Here's my subjective thoughts on the entries in no particular order.

Fifteen minutes of fame
For me this story had pacing issues. The whole story slowly builds up towards a final climax but it completely lost me towards the end before the final clash. Ella's transformation returned some sparks into the story but she disappeared again too quickly. That also brings me to the supporting characters. To me they felt a bit under utilized, especially Ella that only did a few appearances.
Despite these problem this was still a very well written piece that I enjoyed reading.

Shall escape my sight...
I think this one could have really benefited of a proof reading. For me there was too many written errors to really get into the story. I got the pokes at the tropes but they fell kinda flat to me. A bit surprised that you didn't take a stab that everyone always seem to speak English. Hil's questioning of everything, especially in her situation, really made her into an unlikable character, and not in a good way. If that was what you were after, congratulations. I also feel that you didn't really touch too much on the workshop subject, it was mentioned in a sentence then not touched on again, I would prefer a bit more connection.

Crimson High
Congratulations to the win. I'm not sure what to say about this entry. It was a solid piece but can't say that something stood out in either a fantastic or bad way.
Maybe something about the ending... So you got 2 supers that rape and abuse each other through out the story and still end up together. When I read the epilogue I though about Seinfeld's "yadda yadda" episode, you basically "yadda yadda" through a Stockholm syndrome.


Guardian
To me this was the best written entry of all. It felt well worked and thought out. I also really liked how the gritty detective feeling came through.
All characters felt unique and were well used through out the story. It kept me on the seat and I really wasn't sure how it would end.

Supergirl and superwoman
This had some rough transitions at points that felt out of place, I guess that maybe time pressure was a factor? I also found some loose ends (maybe for the same reason), for example the promised car ride to Matt and what seemed like some kind of fishy business at the hospital that was never touched upon again.
I also felt it strange that while she had this unlimited wishing power she didn't use it, for example she cures cancer easily but lets the miner die. Felt like some more constrictions on the wishes would have been smart instead of just conveniently forget about them when they could have helped.
I'm not really a fan of the ending, not really against the twist but I think it would have a bigger impact if it was hinted or more of a buildup through the story.
It was a clever subject, I mean the moral dilemma of killing people to keep the wishes, but maybe because of the ending it felt too shallow through the story. I would have preferred to see some more struggles.

Touch and go
Great first story., looking forward to reading more from thedoc9. My biggest problem with this was that it just barely touched on the possibilities and I really don't like workshop stories that hints at continuations.
But the good things greatly outweighed those negatives, Liz was a great protagonist and I thought the story and pacing was great.
With a few more chapters this would most likely have gotten my vote.
The following user(s) said Thank You: thedoc9, AuGoose

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21 Aug 2016 12:19 #49754 by inactive
Replied by inactive on topic Spring 2016 Workshop - comments
Congratulations to DKC on his win. Now the voting is over, here are my brief comments on the other entries, in the order in which I read them.

Fifteen Minutes of Fame
Almost the exact opposite of the writing style I use. I tend to write short scenes that get their job done and then get out. This story was pretty much one long scene. The advantage to Au Goose's approach is that he achieved an undeniable momentum and a detailed stream of both thoughts and details, which kept things going fast until the end. My only quibble here is the reveal of the bad guy, by name, meant nothing to me and I wasn't sure if it should have.

Crimson High
DKC used race and sex to give new twists to the familiar tale of Superboy losing his powers to a student at Smallville High. The plot and action flowed well through the story, although a few typos stopped me in my tracks. Another edit pass would have fixed these, I'm sure. I don't know if it was intended to be dark, but the coda at the end was an uncomfortable shift from Clark's isolation to a "happy ending" that I could only believe as a result of Stockholm Syndrome, or a delusional hallucination on the part of Clark, driven insane by his years of isolation.

Supergirl and Superwoman
Probably my favorite. By splitting the character into two sides, Ace191 managed to find a neat solution to the original version of the workshop theme. As Supergirl became almost sickeningly good, and Superwoman became nauseatingly evil, moving from justifiable homicide to taking pleasure in torture, I was expecting some kind of showdown between the two sides. The simple declaration of victory by one of her identities was a bit of a let down.

Touch and Go
A fun little piece, but as it was only a prelude to a larger story, in the end it was unsatisfying. I enjoyed the character's attention to cosplay details.

Shall Escape my Sight...
I've tried hard to think of something positive to say about this story, but failed to do so. I suppose the idea of "What would it be like if the original Green Lantern were a woman with Heather Effect-sized breasts and Asperger's Syndrome?" has not been tackled before, but with good reason. The end result was irritating and almost unreadable.

Overall, a strong workshop. I was a little taken aback by the shared obsession with breast size throughout the other stories.

- GeekSeven
The following user(s) said Thank You: thedoc9, AuGoose

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