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Workshop - winter 2016 - comment thread

22 Dec 2015 05:15 #45765 by fats
hi all,

post your overall comments here.

Fats

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24 Dec 2015 07:33 #45786 by Dru1076
Replied by Dru1076 on topic Workshop - winter 2016 - comment thread
Good to see such a great turnout of writers putting in entries. It made picking which one to vote for quite tricky. I wonder how the poll is shaping up? A shame we can't see the race unfold, but I guess we'll see eventually where the votes go.

I've made my pick, but it wasn't easy.

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24 Dec 2015 21:09 - 24 Dec 2015 21:21 #45795 by castor
Replied by castor on topic Workshop - winter 2016 - comment thread
Kings of Empire

This Does a great job of using its early sixties setting for great effect. This low rent Crime Mileauis a smoky slightly dingy world, filled with hard people who spend 90 bucks on rent, and a story of a woman who gets incredible power without necessairly the ambition or the smarts to really use-well not for good reasons. Its a wonderfully crafted world and characters...

the problem i have is...its a little meandering. stories of gaining, loosing, gaining agian, with multiple side characters doing the same thing, gets a little confusing by the end, and the clifhanger chapter ending doesn't help here. If it was more focused and the plot was tighter, or even if there was just an ending i might have liked it more...as it does go all over the place-but its a fun world in any case.


Freya Story


Shadar is the master at his worlds, and thats this storys strength and weakness-it creates a heorine and her quest , her challenges and how she gets there...but i kinda wish it was a touch less exposition. This is a classic start halfway and work back, and as we go through multiple worlds and ways back its such detail and effort to describe how. But i do like it, and somehow the detail i like most is just the pacific Northwest setting. I can't describe why but the story evoke a kind of wet misty forest, and roads through it well, and creates a woman who wants to help living there.

In Denial

one of the things of all the prompts was that they are all set in the kind of middle of the story...which this story kinda realizes with its multiple prompts. there is a cleverness here in the three chapters...but the first chapter feels kinda cheating as it pulls back to its beggining. Thats my gripe.

but the rest is a kind of fun story of an officer worker finding more with her life, and i like how it goes into her pyschology of doing this and not just being straight "AMAZING!". Theres a heros journey of A to B and i like that, and this in someways feels the most complete of the longer stories, and unlike the first two the most focused. and that works for it.

Living Well is the best Revenge

This is the most classical comicbook i think of the story-this feels very much like the kinda story Marvel comics would publish with its heros villians involved in complex soap opera relationships and using powers and magic devices to get at real emotions. And that sence its very strong.

One Hero


This is pretty great. I like how desaluatory it all is-the story of a Young Adult having a bad day that is just getting worse by the minute dealing with the problems of middle managment and gaining superpowers in the world of Submarine sandwiches. Its always cute, it has a light tone of matterfactness that works for it- my only real problem is the ending i wish changed something for good or for bad..as it does feel as if its a little to punchliney-but that works

Shot At

This feels easily the most original world-and i really love it. This isn't classica ubergirl and i don't have a problem with that/ i do like this is the only smirking gunmen who actually does hurt, his target. I have seen westerns, and werid westerns...but never quite this-this feels somehow you combine superheros, gene autry and medevial knights-and thats a well crafted little setting that i would love to hear more about and see...

the problem is that agian this is mostly exposition-what happens is he shoots and she shoots back-the classic western duel...but most good westerns are more about the leadup to it then the actual 5 seconds...and this could have used more of them, and whats happens before.

Worth a Shot


I have said before Dru writing at its best, almost feels lovecraftian-creating powerful creatures that will kill and harm you without really quite understanding or being able to understand.

And this story does a good job of evoking that, creating a 'heroine' who in the end wants to help the 'villian' but instead well....thats a story.

Loosing her patience

Theres an RPG which had the tagline "its a one joke premise...but you got to admit its a pretty funny joke"

And thats what i feel about this one. Supergirl is exasperated and sweary-and thats about it. Its one joke, but the story does a good job of being the perfect length to keep it funny and light hearted without wearing out its welcome. its yeah not a deep joke..but its pretty funny.

A Shot in the Light


There is the premise in science fiction of the "Get". What fantastic element your allowed to do before its just to much.
Reading this story i had the thought "Well a futuristic planet ruled by an army of superwoman with there leader as there queen-i can buy that"....but to have people win lotteries for the right to shoot her, thats a little farfetched.

but the story is fun for that, and feels very passionate because of it. I think it could have been a little shorter, but it does evoke emotion at any length and i can appreciate that greatly.

Amanda

I once read a John Mortimor book on English Boarding Schools which had a subplot of kids writing Dirty smut. This feels somewhere between the book itself and the Short Excerpts it included. And thats kinda cute. We start with the proviso that its poorly executed to get to it....but one of the lines i remember from Mortimor is the need to not just dive in...and i like that this story remembers that. It takes a while to get to the good bits and its fun for it.
Last edit: 24 Dec 2015 21:21 by castor.

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28 Dec 2015 17:44 - 28 Dec 2015 19:04 #45857 by brantley
Replied by brantley on topic Workshop - winter 2016 - comment thread
Castor wrote, re: "A Shot in the Light:

<<Reading this story i had the thought "Well a futuristic planet ruled by an army of superwoman with there leader as there queen-i can buy that"....but to have people win lotteries for the right to shoot her, thats a little farfetched.>>

I'm not going to push for my own story, but I do hope all of you read the entries more carefully. Clodovie isn't "ruled by an Army of Superwomen." The only Velorian superwomen on the planet are Ragna, the Protector, and Larissa, who's there to confer enhancement on the vanishingly few natives who will turn out to have the latent genes for that process. And those few will NOT be ruling the planet, only serving as an auxiliary military force, mostly off-world. The process is first described in Terms of Enhancement:

www.brightempire.com/Terms.html

The "lottery" is only for the cops, involving that promotional video, which turns out to be an embarrassment to both Larissa and Daniel, the cop chosen by lot to take part..

--Brantley
Last edit: 28 Dec 2015 19:04 by brantley.

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28 Dec 2015 22:39 #45861 by castor
Replied by castor on topic Workshop - winter 2016 - comment thread
Sorry for getting the details wrong,

To me what my point was...yeah this is a story about a woman who people compete for the privlage of shooting...and that is kinda silly fun for me. it is a passionte fun story that i urge everyone to read.

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30 Dec 2015 17:29 - 30 Dec 2015 17:31 #45868 by Monty
Replied by Monty on topic Workshop - winter 2016 - comment thread
Thanks all for the great input! I find myself torn between two stories here. 'A Pretty Rotten Bastard' by Castor, and 'One Hero : Made To Order'. Both (and all) are well put together, but I feel I'm swinging towards Castor's story here. It has good rhythm and pace and flow and binds well.
Last edit: 30 Dec 2015 17:31 by Monty.
The following user(s) said Thank You: brad328, castor

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30 Dec 2015 18:47 #45869 by Thoth
Replied by Thoth on topic Workshop - winter 2016 - comment thread
Gotta say to who ever wrote In Denial, you got my vote.
The following user(s) said Thank You: pansardum

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30 Dec 2015 18:52 #45870 by fats
Replied by fats on topic Workshop - winter 2016 - comment thread

Thoth wrote: Gotta say to who ever wrote In Denial, you got my vote.


It was written by Pansardum.

Fats

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02 Jan 2016 14:29 #45895 by Sarge395
Replied by Sarge395 on topic Workshop - winter 2016 - comment thread
Great stories. Looking forward to sending out a costume.

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03 Jan 2016 21:55 #45905 by Woodclaw
Replied by Woodclaw on topic Workshop - winter 2016 - comment thread
Okay I'm still two stories short (Shadar and Pansardum's, I'm sorry guys), but I think I've delayed my feedback on this workshop long enough. So let's ride.
I'm going to present the comments in the same orders the stories appears on the front page 2 or 3 at a time so that the post isn't too long.

Kings of Empire by DKC

First of all it's really nice to see DKC back to the writing board, I previously counted him among my favorite authors in the bad ubergirl subgenre and I stand by that consideration. "Kings" is a pretty damn ambitious story with a sizeable cast and a pretty broad backstory this is, I think, both its strength and its weakness. DKC threated us to many ideas, many characters and kept the style consistent with his previous works, but something didn't work as intended, I fear. The feeling I got is somewhat akin to what I got out of Star Wars 7: I like this story, I think there are a few bits that are really gold (Mr. Sunjay using Indu mythology to justify killing is very clever) and the underlying mythological elements are promising, but a part of me keeps asking "is this all?". As a first chapter on a new ongoing narrative this might turn into fantastic series, but on its own for all the meat it provides, it feels only half-baked.
There's also a little extra issue, although it's probably just my excessive attention to details, if I read this correct the story should set in an alternate Earth around the late 1950s, but there's very little in the descriptions and general feeling that looks period specific to me. I hope later installments will provide a bit more detail in this sense too, because a world were the Great War ended after 1947 is bound to be very different from our own.
What I can say about this story is that this story might not get my vote, but it surely got my interest to see more.

Living Well Is the Best Revenge by TwiceOnThrursdays

The one thing that made me a appreciate this story is that the underlying moral is that being nice to someone -- even a psycho supervillain -- in the end pays more than being a dick, which is a feeling I really do appreciate. The null-power field of the main character is something I toyed with myself over a decade ago, but in the end I scrapped because it was simply too hard to make all the variables click in place, so I'm glad to see someone else trying it instead. Given that the story feels a little too gimmicky to me, both the null-field and the gun are pretty much two technobabbles one meant to create the story and the other to keep it going, it reads and feels very much like one a filler episode of a Sci-Fi show. Even so the story is very pleasant to read, although the ending pretty much cuts out any possible extra outside of the realm of pure fanservice, given how ungodly powerful the new ubergirl is.
A very nice self-contained piece that hits many right notes for such a short work.

A Pretty Rotten Bastard by Castor

There one quality that nobody can deny Castor is how damn inventive he is. Not only many of his stories deal with unforeseen elements of the genre, but he's not afarid of going for a peculiar angle in telling them. In this case the peculiarity is more due to the very restricted point of view than anything. We don't know much about this main character, but we share his viewpoint and the whole effect rely on this particular. What makes the story interesting is that until the end is perfectly feasable that the whole deal is just an allucination of the main character.
Unfortunately this story touches one of my big pet peeves with Castor's narrative: the heavy lack of descriptions kills many moments for me. It's not as noticeable as it was in some of his other work, since one can assume that the supergirl is the only element "in focus", but it still feels like very immersion breaking to me.

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04 Jan 2016 10:53 #45910 by Woodclaw
Replied by Woodclaw on topic Workshop - winter 2016 - comment thread
Part 2 of my comments.

One Hero: Made to Order by Brad328

First of all I have to commend the fact that Brad is one of the two authors that used all the three provided taglines instead of a single one. Given that "One Hero" is a very classic single scene story that echoes heavily Brad's own main series Mindy Marvel, maybe too close for comfort in my opinion. I don't want to diss out on Brad, but I think he player a little too safe this time. The scene is nice, the writing is competently done, but there's nothing in it that clicked with me. Nothing in it is wrong, but nothing stands out either and, most of all, it's too damn short. I think that this story would have benefited from a little more meat here and there, nothing huge, just a little more details to provide context and structure.
As it is this story feels like a nice appetizer, good on its own, but leave you craving for a little more.

Shot At by Blueriver

The first story of a new author is often a gamble both for the writer and the reader, neither know what to expect. In this case Blueriver decided to go in pretty boldly taking a page from Stephen King's "Dark Tower" series and trying to cram a ubergirl in setting already filled with characters with weird abilities. I think his gamble pays out, providing a rather unique feeling to the story, in spite of its length. The broken narrative it's very similar to King's novels that inspired the author and can be considered seminal to the setting, although it's not a style I'm too comfortable with because it creates a sense of alienation in me, as if the entire story is told through a pair of blurry glasses.
A rather impressive start, I hope to see more from this author.

Worth a Shot by Dru

Castor said that Dru's stories have a Lovecraftian quality in their being pretty much about untold and incalculable levels of power and I think he nailed it on the head. This is a quality that pretty much makes or break his narrative and, in this case, I think he had been able to ship it through nicely enough. I admit that with such a power level it's much easier to write imoral or amoral characters rather than heroes. I wouldn't mind this last bit so much if it wasn't for Dru's next ot last effort in writing O-Girl. This story had much of both O-Girl and Dru's older efforts in it, but it had neither the clumsy innocence of O-Girl, nor the deliberate cruelty of the old Sandra, the main character felt too neutral, if that is possible: a being so powerful that she just doesn't care about the world around her, she just follows the whim of the moment without consequences in either direction. This makes her a tad dull in my eyes, in spite of some truly nice moments, converting a space cannon in giant vibrator was ... impressive to say the least.
A very safely played story, with a little more spice this would have been a winner for sure.

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05 Jan 2016 17:36 #45927 by Woodclaw
Replied by Woodclaw on topic Workshop - winter 2016 - comment thread
Part 3 of the comments.

Losing Her Patience by G7

In terms of pure verbal impact "Losing" is one of the most extraodinary examples in the whole Library, I don't think any other story ever used so many profanities in such a short piece. While this might be a little over the top, I think it gave the story a character of its own and, for some, when I read this story the supergirl automatically takes a very heavy British accent. As I said the swearing give this story a unique feel and an added touch of realism, given that we tend to write very toungue-in-check, but this is all the story has on its side. G7 is great writer and even with asuch a short vignette he manage to write a very clean outline of the situation, but there's nothing in the situation that made it stand out.
I'm not saying that this is a mediocre story peppered with swear words to make it look cooler. This is a very nicely crafted vignette that shows a very human reaction from a not-so-human character, but the length of it kind of hurted the final result.

A Shot in the Light by Brantley

What makes Brantley's stories so good and yet so hard to get into is the level of fine craftmanship he puts into fleshing out the details of them. From the choice of words, to the ancillary characters everything concur to create a very specific effect, a carefully crafted identity of each of his worlds. It's a hard to come by effect that reminds me a lot of some old school sci-fi -- mostly Asimov. This story is no different and I think that in many ways skids along the sidelines of the genre because it's not a story about a supergirl, it's a story that involves a supergirl, I like this choice, but it makes some of the moments in the story kind of hard to get into. While the opening scene is almost perfect in my eyes, with the revelation of the human side of the invincible supergirl from another world, the sex scene later on is ... kind of there for me. I understand that the basic premise is that the Vels are pretty much walking sex bomb waiting to blow, but this particular scene felt both unnecessary and crude in its execution. Perhaps it's a wanted effect, but the feeling was very underwhelming because I could feel any passion in the act only the mechanical elements. I understand that its part of the genre to include such scene, but the way it's written made it very alienating to me.
In terms of setting and characters this is probably my favorite story so far, but the delivery didn't work that well for me.

Amanda by Hdmk2

Another new author, Hdmk2 produced a pretty damn good narrative. The way the story plays reminds me a lot of both LFan's "SuperJen" and Yosh's "Serena", although the story is quite more direct and brutal in its delivery. I think that the descriptions are nicely done and, while very archetypes, the characters perform quite well. The author has been very candid to admit that this is more a series of scenes with a very loose connective tissue between them and so I wouldn't count it against him, although it's felt. What I consider more of a problem for my suspension of disbelief are the human actions and reactions, from the fact that the couple in the car didn't notice the vehicle jerking at an angle under them, to the apparent lack of any security around the most sensible part of a military base, passing through the fact that a supergirl that got her powers minutes ago is already so callous not to be at least shocked of killing a man without even trying. Taken one by one none of this elements bothers me that much, but seeing them all in such close sequence kind of blemished the reading a bit.
I do really believe that Hdmk2 has the potential to be great writer and I hope to see more of his soon.

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05 Jan 2016 20:20 #45933 by d_k_c
Replied by d_k_c on topic Workshop - winter 2016 - comment thread
So - I wrote a review for my top 3 fav stories and the page might of timed out. So ill have to re-write them when I have the time. But thanks for the review WoodClaw, I think its pretty spot on. I was planning to submit KoE chapter 2 this weekend, but with the voting still ongoing, I don't want to skew up the voting. Thanks again to FATS and the SWM moderators for putting this on....Forced me to start thinking of ideas to write for the contest, and once I started thinking of a few ideas, I got excited to write KoE. Also - thanks to the editors out there who offered their help. I was literally writing KofE until the last hour of dead line - other wise I would have gladly accepted your help.

Good job all - I enjoyed the stories.

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06 Jan 2016 02:45 - 06 Jan 2016 02:46 #45939 by pansardum
Replied by pansardum on topic Workshop - winter 2016 - comment thread
Finally managed to get through all the entries. Great to see so many.
Below are my personal opinions on the stories.

King of Empire - DKC
This is clearly the longest of the entries and when I first opened up this story it felt almost daunting to take it on. I saved it for last just because of that, but now I wished it would have been even longer. As I got through the chapters I got more and more into the story, the only small problem I had initially was that it felt like too many chapters was between the intro and where it appeared in the story. As I then got closer and closer to the ending I got a growing fear that I wouldn't get any conclusion, which showed to be true. That was kinda a let down in my mind and the only fault with this story as a work shop entry. Overall I really liked it and will look forward to the continuation.

Freya's story - Shadar

This was a fun adventure from start to finish. I personally didn't really like the addition of the images but I could certainly make an exception for the last one. :woohoo: I liked how a new species like the Kecklavians were quickly introduced and didn't really need a deeper explanation to still work for the main character. But I'm still a bit curious about what they managed to do to get cut off from the rest of the universe. I also felt that the story was missing an extra chapter continuing on chapter 4.

Living Well is the Best Revenge - TwiceOnThursdays
Interesting premise and good written but I found some minor problems with the story. Firstly I didn't feel like he had big enough reason to kill her. With the outcome from the shot it could even have been more fun if it was a harder choice for him. Secondly, she doesn't really adress his effort to kill her, even if it was her plan it seems like a bit of an over sight. I would certainly be a bit pissed off if someone tried to kill me, no matter the outcome. She seems to let him off at the end, but in my mind all those he "killed" will probably want to get revenge. Especially since he now lost his powers. And with all those kills did he not bother to check that he really killed anyone of his victims. Lastly it never really explained or touched upon why she got the powers, what if he had shot anyone else? Maybe I'm over thinking it all.

A pretty rotten bastard - Castor
Really interesting premise here too, I'm even thinking of doing my own take on the subject. But I didn't feel like this story flows as good as some of the others and that made it hard for me to get into it. I would also have liked to go into more why the main character hated everyone, what really made him tick. The last sentence introduce a problem for me too, it's easy to mention supergirl and get a whole character with that single word. But with this story it is a too big leap for me to bend the supergirl character to this story, the big problems being, she is well known. Which makes it less likely that someone would go insane from bullet proof people. She would also have overlooked two robberies and shootings, which is far from what her established personality would do.
Last edit: 06 Jan 2016 02:46 by pansardum.

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06 Jan 2016 02:51 #45940 by pansardum
Replied by pansardum on topic Workshop - winter 2016 - comment thread
One Hero: Made to Order - brad328
I can really draw a lot of parallels to this story from my own. Mundane worker gets super powers, using all 3 sentences and flying off at the end. It is overall well written and enjoyable. I felt the first sentence was a bit badly used. For me it would have worked better if she at the beginning had just left the shop and was forced inside again by the robber.

Shot at - blueriver
The story felt too short, I would have liked to see more details over all. Maybe describe her powers somewhat as she met and started the gang. Maybe some layout improvements would also make it easier to see where the first part connects with the rest of the story again. The last sentence also sticks out a bit like a sore thumb. Something I myself struggle with, "show, don't tell". Show how eye patches are cool in a short epilouge.

Worth a shot - Dru
Another really well written piece. While I read I wondered why she bothered with the demonstrations. In a greater sense none of the ones she showed her tricks for really mattered to her. What I concluded was that this self proclamed god only did it for the attention and worship. I guess that without that need for validification nothing in this story would have happened. I can't decide if that is below a god or a qualification.
I personally like things in smaller scale but are a bit familliar with Dru's cosmic tales. The story has barely begun and our main character is already in the center of a quasar, from that we go to later inhaling an entire galaxy. For me that is the biggest problem, there isn't a buildup thoughout the story with a satisfactory climax (pun intended). But in the end, who am I to complain about a god?

Losing her patience - geekseven
I really liked this. It is short and to the point. It shows that everyone can have a bad day at work, even a super girl. Only thing is that I thought it went a bit too far at some points, other than that it was great. I think it was also the right length, this could have lost its appeal if done too long.

A shot in the light - brantley
For me this is a well written piece that is focused on wrong things. To me I thought it was a bit too much unnessacary information and sometimes hard to follow. I'm all for not spelling out everything but on the other hand I didn't feel well informed enough about velorians to follow all aspects of this story. For example gold was mentioned, I guess it removes some powers? all of them? a bit? could't she have flown to the meeting with the gold shielded, that would feel more safe than driving. I would also have liked another interaction/appearance of the girl before the meet up. Maybe when Daniel intervenes before the riot, could have made their relation more dynamic. The epilouge also kinda removes any importance of the story since nothing in the story effects the outcome.

Amanda - hdmk2
It's clear by the note at the beginning there's no missconception of the nature of this story. It certainly got some fan service. And nothing wrong with that. ;)
I don't think the first sentence worked too well with the storys beginning. For example the sentence mentiones that she is really energized while it later in the story focuses a bit on her being groggy.
At the car, it felt a bit strange for Amanda to forget about Kate and fuck the guy. I think it would have been better to introduce that she wanted that earlier. Maybe it would have been better to have a common love interest instead of the teacher. It makes sense Kate fucks him but he did after all reject Amanda.
I found it overall well written, even though the last part with the military felt a bit rushed.

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06 Jan 2016 03:05 #45941 by brantley
Replied by brantley on topic Workshop - winter 2016 - comment thread
Woodclaw wrote:

<<A Shot in the Light by Brantley

What makes Brantley's stories so good and yet so hard to get into is the level of fine craftmanship he puts into fleshing out the details of them. From the choice of words, to the ancillary characters everything concur to create a very specific effect, a carefully crafted identity of each of his worlds. It's a hard to come by effect that reminds me a lot of some old school sci-fi -- mostly Asimov. This story is no different and I think that in many ways skids along the sidelines of the genre because it's not a story about a supergirl, it's a story that involves a supergirl, I like this choice, but it makes some of the moments in the story kind of hard to get into. While the opening scene is almost perfect in my eyes, with the revelation of the human side of the invincible supergirl from another world, the sex scene later on is ... kind of there for me. I understand that the basic premise is that the Vels are pretty much walking sex bomb waiting to blow, but this particular scene felt both unnecessary and crude in its execution. Perhaps it's a wanted effect, but the feeling was very underwhelming because I could feel any passion in the act only the mechanical elements. I understand that its part of the genre to include such scene, but the way it's written made it very alienating to me.
In terms of setting and characters this is probably my favorite story so far, but the delivery didn't work that well for me.>>

--Brantley

A fair review. I'll keep it in mind when I revise the story for my own site after the voting is over. Put more stress on character and less on what I assumed was the obligatory sort of sex.

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06 Jan 2016 15:41 #45946 by shadar
Replied by shadar on topic Workshop - winter 2016 - comment thread

pansardum wrote: Finally managed to get through all the entries. Great to see so many.
Below are my personal opinions on the stories.

King of Empire - DKC
This is clearly the longest of the entries and when I first opened up this story it felt almost daunting to take it on. I saved it for last just because of that, but now I wished it would have been even longer. As I got through the chapters I got more and more into the story, the only small problem I had initially was that it felt like too many chapters was between the intro and where it appeared in the story. As I then got closer and closer to the ending I got a growing fear that I wouldn't get any conclusion, which showed to be true. That was kinda a let down in my mind and the only fault with this story as a work shop entry. Overall I really liked it and will look forward to the continuation.

Freya's story - Shadar

This was a fun adventure from start to finish. I personally didn't really like the addition of the images but I could certainly make an exception for the last one. :woohoo: I liked how a new species like the Kecklavians were quickly introduced and didn't really need a deeper explanation to still work for the main character. But I'm still a bit curious about what they managed to do to get cut off from the rest of the universe. I also felt that the story was missing an extra chapter continuing on chapter 4.

Living Well is the Best Revenge - TwiceOnThursdays
Interesting premise and good written but I found some minor problems with the story. Firstly I didn't feel like he had big enough reason to kill her. With the outcome from the shot it could even have been more fun if it was a harder choice for him. Secondly, she doesn't really adress his effort to kill her, even if it was her plan it seems like a bit of an over sight. I would certainly be a bit pissed off if someone tried to kill me, no matter the outcome. She seems to let him off at the end, but in my mind all those he "killed" will probably want to get revenge. Especially since he now lost his powers. And with all those kills did he not bother to check that he really killed anyone of his victims. Lastly it never really explained or touched upon why she got the powers, what if he had shot anyone else? Maybe I'm over thinking it all.

A pretty rotten bastard - Castor
Really interesting premise here too, I'm even thinking of doing my own take on the subject. But I didn't feel like this story flows as good as some of the others and that made it hard for me to get into it. I would also have liked to go into more why the main character hated everyone, what really made him tick. The last sentence introduce a problem for me too, it's easy to mention supergirl and get a whole character with that single word. But with this story it is a too big leap for me to bend the supergirl character to this story, the big problems being, she is well known. Which makes it less likely that someone would go insane from bullet proof people. She would also have overlooked two robberies and shootings, which is far from what her established personality would do.


You make some good points. There is a chapter between 4 and 5 in my manuscript, but it was a mess and I figured the story could survive without it. It's good now, but too late for contest.

As far as the picts... I run hot and cold on those myself.

On the point of Kecklavians... you are right, their backstory wasn't essential to the story, but they are an interesting race.

They evolved as three-legged cat-like predators who could mimic the appearance of their very fast prey until they could mix in among them to attack. They got so good at it that they wiped out most of the prey animals on their planet.

They were a wretched mess when the Galen found them, and as they did with many other races, including humans, they mixed a portion of their DNA with the primitive Kecklavians to make them into a useful client race for their interests. What intentions and uses they planned for the Kecklavians is not known today, but the now far more capable Kecklavians fell under the influence of a criminal guild who trained them to become the ultimate thieves. Given the more advanced and wealthy worlds used biometric security systems, a Kecklavian (who can perfectly imitate the DNA of someone who they "taste") could defeat any kind of security.

From there they became a race of thieves and assassins who could become anyone, from the head of a household to the family's dog. They were impossible to detect physically, but since the memories of the person they imitated were not duplicated, they could be tripped up. But they were very good at studying their prey before assuming them.

They were soon reviled on every planet, but a Kecklavian was often a member of every privateer ship. Professional burglars, if you will. Then they made a critical error of ambition when they attempted to place some of their people at the pinnacle of both the Empire and the Enlightenment, with a Kecklavian briefly replacing the Emperor himself (who'd they'd killed). The fear was that they'd find a way to replicate Supremis DNA and become an essentially unstoppable force.

From that point forward, any Kecklavian found off their home planet was instantly killed. Yet some, like Freya's mother, used privateers and other black methods to escape and travel as far as they could from the destitute life on their home planet, hoping to never be discovered.

Yet in all their history, they never cracked the secret of imitating the Supremis until Freya's unfortunate encounter with that Prime. A one in a million encounter where that surviving fragment of her brain stem managed to combined her DNA with the Prime's "donation" of genetic material and rebuild her as a shapechanging Prime.

So while the Jepessen family know she's a Kecklavian/Prime hybrid who is pretending to be human, they have no idea of her history or the way her people are reviled across the galaxy. (Being Earthings, they don't even know that there are two great galactic civilizations out there.) So they accept her.

But now she's in a fight with the Empire, who might just decide to sterilize Earth if they figured out that a Kecklavian had successfully become Primal. Kecklavians can, after all, reproduce when taking the form of another species, and pass on both Kecklavian and the imitated species' traits. She could spawn a race of superpowered shapechangers with the right man. Stopping that threat would be well worth destroying a valuable planet like Earth.

Anyway, more of this comes out later in the continued story, but wasn't needed in the contest story, as you said. But they are kind of fun race to mess around with.

Which was why I was tickled to see the J'on J'onzz using his shapechanging abilities on episode 9 of Supergirl. We already know (from the comics) that he can serve as a decent stand-in for Superman. Same for his cousin obviously. That opens up all kinds of new plot possibilities. And questions. Why doesn't he just imitate Astra and infiltrate the Kryptonians? etc. etc.

Shadar
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06 Jan 2016 22:06 #45953 by Woodclaw
Replied by Woodclaw on topic Workshop - winter 2016 - comment thread
Final part of my comments.

Freya's Story by Shadar

I'm not sure if the longest story in the workshop was either DKC's "KoE" or this one, but Freya surely packed the most content. While this story opens a lot of question introducing many elements all at the same time -- a new alien race, a dangerously powerful character, events that echoes a much bigger narrative -- it has the perk of being, mostly, a self-contained piece that goes full circle on its own. I have to give credit to Shadar about one thing: he really knows how to write family scenes, the breakfast scene is quite spot on, although the parents seem a tad wooden in their reaction -- granted I have no idea how I would react if someone told me to have absorbed a nuke blast -- but the scene works out really well. The main issue about this story is that it falls into a grey area regarding exposition. It's a rather common feature for big space farring stories to either provide lots of exposition (the mark of sci-fi) or none at all (future fantasy), this story provide some but relies heavily on the reader's previous knowledge of the general AU lore or his ability to ignore that part and go with the flow. This feels a little weird since the entire story goes into a certain detail explaining who Freya is and were she comes from. Even so the story flows pretty well even as it is, with one glaring exception that -- as for my comment on Brantley's entry -- stems perhaps from my imperfect understanding of Supremis' genetics: the rape/combat scene. What puzzles me is Freya's reaction to it, the story establish quite clearly that her last sexual ecnounter was being raped by Arion Prime, which led to her getting Supremis genes, and apparently nothing after that, but her reaction to being sexually assaulted in the middle of a fight instead of being disgust or even surprise it's to get herself on top. I'm not sure if it's just me, but I assumed she had some kind of PTSD after her rape.
Still a very well written story that provide a good window on a much broader universe.

In Denial by Pansardum

Origin stories are really the tough part of our genre, on one hand they tend to be the highest point of a writer, since it's usually the moment where it's easier to convey the feeling of the character facing a completely unforeseen experience, on the other it's incredibly difficult to make them look right because we are to eager to get to the juicy bits and we tend to skip over many things. Pans took the difficult road for the first three quaters of the story, he tried and succeded in delivering the story of a girl getting superpowers, but not realizing it. The last quater start to go downhill, having the main character figuring out on the fly what she had stubbornly denied for the rest of the story, but I don't hold this against him. It might be a slip caused simply by the need to finish in time. What left me cold is the start of this story, while I do understand the need to make the main character oblivious in the face of a series of weird facts, she seemed perhaps a little too dense for her own good. Granted the scene where she locks herself out on the roof without even a coat showed that she wasn't exactly a genius, but the elevator accident was way over the top for me. She got out unscattered from 10 meters or so fall and all she did was delivering a Bond one-liner, I'm sorry, but that really got me off. Even with this I liked the story, but I truly think that it would have benefit from some extra length and, perhaps, a bit of rewriting here and there, disbelief in front of getting superpowers is a concept that we used way too sparsely and this story had some of the right ideas to work with it.

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06 Jan 2016 22:53 #45954 by castor
Replied by castor on topic Workshop - winter 2016 - comment thread
So far the critism has beena point on my story.

i came with two ideas of the story

*Ii have been experimenting a bit on removing details of the story. People seem to really like 272, and to me what was big on that one is we never get any ideas of whats really happening-no backstory, no names no details. I have been playing with that a bit here and there- Akward Lunch Date, is only an akward lunch date cause of the title. Here i wasn't so intrested on why He was a bad seed, just wanted to give the details to suggest it without really pushing it forward.

However i can certainly see why you would miss it, and thats certainly a fair critism. Thats half the fun some times.Woodclaw made the point of the diffrence between Science fiction and modern fantasy-and this is defiently the latter. To me i think i kinda wanted to evoke say a twilight zone story.

*The story itself was based on the joke about Superman daring a normal guy to jump off the empire state building by pretending its fine. The punchline of which "your a pretty rotten bastard Superman", which to me is suposed to suggest a joke twist . I can see why that reads as what the fuck man thats not supergirl, and i certainly get that, and i can't defend it--but at the same token-well the laundry robbery goes bad, really nothing sucsefull happens crimewise-she gets her man..just a little evily.

.

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07 Jan 2016 01:42 #45959 by brad328
Replied by brad328 on topic Workshop - winter 2016 - comment thread

pansardum wrote: One Hero: Made to Order - brad328
I can really draw a lot of parallels to this story from my own. Mundane worker gets super powers, using all 3 sentences and flying off at the end. It is overall well written and enjoyable. I felt the first sentence was a bit badly used. For me it would have worked better if she at the beginning had just left the shop and was forced inside again by the robber.



Given the three prompts available to choose, not being able to deviate from their structure, how would you have worded that?

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07 Jan 2016 13:49 #45965 by pansardum
Replied by pansardum on topic Workshop - winter 2016 - comment thread

brad328 wrote:

pansardum wrote: One Hero: Made to Order - brad328
I can really draw a lot of parallels to this story from my own. Mundane worker gets super powers, using all 3 sentences and flying off at the end. It is overall well written and enjoyable. I felt the first sentence was a bit badly used. For me it would have worked better if she at the beginning had just left the shop and was forced inside again by the robber.



Given the three prompts available to choose, not being able to deviate from their structure, how would you have worded that?


Re-reading it I see that was what you intended, but I guessed it didn't get through to me clear enough.
I think the problem is with the sentence "But the man who was waiting outside the back door had other ideas.". To me it feels like he is currently waiting for her not that he had waited for her. That means to me that she is on her way out and therefore I made that comment.

So maybe putting it clearer in past tense would work. Something like "But the man who had waited outside the back door had other ideas."

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