Wendy, Special Weapon Research

A new topic for people to talk about the new story by the new writer (to this site) lustmonster.

Fats

Ok, there's simply tons to love in that, so I'm pleased to say my list of suggestions is short. No particularly egregious typos/grammatical hiccups jumped out at me, so we can skip forward to the advanced stuff .

Tiger Team
(US military jargon) 1. Originally, a team whose purpose is to penetrate security, and thus test security measures. These people are paid professionals who do hacker-type tricks, e.g. leave cardboard signs saying "bomb" in critical defense installations, hand-lettered notes saying "Your codebooks have been stolen" (they usually haven't been) inside safes, etc. After a successful penetration, some high-ranking security type shows up the next morning for a "security review" and finds the sign, note, etc. and all hell breaks loose. Serious successes of tiger teams sometimes lead to early retirement for base commanders and security officers.

Basically, as soon as I started reading, this term popped into my head, so it might be handy to slip it into her thinking or Wallace's briefing. Of you could make a more subtle nod to it by having the simulated attacker be codenamed "Tigress". You might also mention there's a phrase that's supposed to stop the exercise. Safety first, after all.

The description of the outer wall of the base was a little limp, and even if there is a full wall, there'd also be a lot of chain link fencing, concertina wire, and warning signage everywhere. Maybe some searchlights, 'cause really, who doesn't want to shine a spot light on her fabulous form ? Same can be said dividing up regions inside the base. I'm sure she can find something to do with big flexible webs of metal, and hundred-foot long strands of wire "barbed, for her pleasure" .

With the remotely operated soldier robots being such important actors in this exchange, I think they need a catchy military name, which will also free up the word "robotic" to describe their actions, remains, etc. without having the weird echo of 'robotic robots'. And with an offhanded thought or comment about their price-per-unit, she can have a little thrill thinking about the vast cost of this game even if there' no loss of life.

At first I was a little put off that she's starting naked, but given the level of roughhousing, she'd have gotten there soon enough. Still, rather than any sort of tight cloths, let the idea of her starting out in a long black pancho (with or without hood) roll around in your head. I'd also like to know a little more about her hair. It's length could have some implications either way. Short and she sounds more military. Longer and it adds a tool that can keep up with her like the girder club (which I loved BTW). And if its long enough, garroting a robot with it... .

Also, consider giving us some smells (or even tastes). There's gunfire, burning, explosions, motor oil, other fluids. Nothing like a stink to put you in a place.

Regardless, a fantastic offering for a first or fifteenth contribution. Welcome aboard, and may there be many more .

Ok, I know it's in part III, but the peanut brittle made me laugh. No one can resist See's candy.

No one.

Great break in the action. That contrast helps the rest really pop.

Give a little bite of the peanut brittle to your muse . Maybe she'll stay for more.

I've chenged the title to match the new library shelf created with LustMonster's four rapid-fire stories.

Go read them if you haven't yet.

This is a series that has a very distinct and interesting feeling to it: potential expansion (not muscular expansion mind you). In general our stories tend to go in one of three ways:

1. totally self-contained narratives that don't need or don't care for the rest of the world;
2. world(s) spanning epics that try to cram as many details as possible as soon as possible (i.e. info dumps)
3. stories that start small, but grew over time

In my eyes this series has the potential to pertains to this last genre. Already we have some hint of possible future events (for example the distinct possiblity of other superhumans from different countries).
The one thing that makes this stories stand up is the action, it's vivid, brutal and non-stopping, perhaps a tad forumlaic, but it's never dull and keep the reader in his seat till the end.
As detailed as the action is, though, there is one detail that puts me off a bit: how scarse the details about the characters are. Of the two main character we know only they're heavily musculed, with big breasts and quite tall. I'd love to see something more to breath life into these ladies, even a simple description of their hairstyle and color would give another layer of definition to the entire story and help visualie the scenes more clearly.

I hope to see more from you LustMonster

Perimeter Patrol is exactly the direction I was hoping this series to take. I keeps all the established elements so far and it's starting to widen the scope without relying on a info dump. I'm very happy with it.

Very much enjoying the gradual introduction of additional elements. And new cast members! .

LustMonster wrote: Hi! Thank you for your comments (and critique) of my stories so far. I must admit I've been somewhat starving for more feedback.

I guess I tend to approach my writing the same way Roland Emmerich or John McTiernan does moviemaking, with the good and bad that implies. ACTION ACTION ACTION! My writing toolbelt, if made physical, would probably manifest as a row of sledgehammers in slightly different sizes. The "over the top" aspect is definitely there as you mentioned, and I'll almost certainly continue to do that to some extent, because it's rather deeply wired into my writing DNA. Honestly, it's the sort of thing I love to read.

I don't want to sound unfair but in my, limited, experience as awriter this is something that can work in a very episodic framework, but kills any kind of prolonged narrative. Constantly pumping the action often creates the opposite effect and the reader instead of being more engaged becomes less interested. Often the best technique is to have peaks of superconcentrated action followed by deep valleys of quiet with the tension subtly rising throughout the story.

The guys of Extra Credits explained this very clearly.

I did have some reservations about introducing the "Tsarina" this soon, but I wanted to set something external in motion that gives more hints about the current state of the wider world, as well as why certain things are happening (or soon will be happening) at the Research Base. The next part (which I actually just finished, sans serious editing) will clarify this stuff better, I think. Suffice it to say that the Tsarina really isn't entering the story in a big way just yet.

I think that this introduction is actually one of the highlights of the series so far: it set a new bit of a world that is getting explored one tile at a time and opens many possibilities for future stories, possibly with a different tone and style.

Congrats on another fun piece (even if it is icky). And multi-illustrated!

((put out the Darkwing!))

Just a quick update for you all. Now Prison Break has a new image

Digging all the original art and the different styles .