Fall 2012 workshop dissussion thread

Here are my thoughts about each entry.

Heart of the fantasy:
As usual this is a well written piece. The only issue might have been the choice to have the transformation at the very end, which only left me looking forward to the continuation.
An extra touch I would have wanted to see would be some more of Kristi's background and her motivation to go to the comic con. Maybe that she had been mesmerized by Superman's first appearance, making the female version of his costume the obvious choice at a comic con where she hoped to meet the real deal. Also maybe not letting her break out of character in front of the cameras because she was afraid that someone from back home would recognize her. Which could be a fun continuation if her parents had recognized her and gives her a scolding before she can react. (metaphorically)

Cos-play
I found this to be a well written story. But in the end I realized that I never really felt that concerned or interested in Sharon. Maybe a richer back story could have helped or make the costume influence her decisions, enhancing the mean streak she had in her. Letting her struggle a bit with her decisions as super powered and making the LA visit a bit more exciting.


A healer's origin:
The main issue in this is definitely the conversations. In too many places the replies are too long and it breaks the story's flow.
Other than that it is pretty solid.

Spare parts:
This was a very well written entry, but it really lacked likable characters. It feels wrong to complain about women empowerment on a site like this But this story was filled with that kind of irony. A woman who hates men's objectification of women only to be the epitome of that. I don't really want to admit how long it took for me to realize who Bharbeee was...
Same with the whole intro about how women, or maybe it should be womyn, wouldn't be as violent as men. Only continuing with her raping the guy at first touch with power.
Despite her despise for men the end felt a bit too deliberate. I didn't feel convinced that she would drive the truck to a shore just to drown the guy.
Anyway this was still one of the more enjoyable reads and long a runner up for my vote.

Baker's dozen:
What to say, this was a great story. The dialogue felt spot on and with relative few words I felt immersed into the settings.
It certainly deserved the fight for first place.
If something, I would rather have seen a less drastic transformation for Cindy. Though the personality changes felt more in place.
I would also have wanted some explanation for their sudden interest for him.

In the end I can't other than look forward to the continuation. What will happen 3:20? How many supergirls will be stood up then? and maybe more important their reactions...

An interesting twist in later chapters could be that he gets distracted as he is about to say the phrase, which makes him look at wrong girl while he says it.

This round I had a big problem to choose who to vote on. After reading through the entries a second time I ended up giving it to Argo. I was at first a bit reluctant as I felt his entry felt a bit too short, but in the end his story stood out a bit more than the others in an otherwise good competition.

pansardum wrote: This round I had a big problem to choose who to vote on.

I wanted to reiterate this point. One of my close #2 picks is well behind in the vote. It almost makes me not like voting. Please, no writer take offense to not being the top vote - I liked them all.

Thanks to everybody who's commented on my story. I'm glad that people have had some good things to say about it, though I know it's not the best thing I've ever written. I think I forced the writing a bit too much partly due to the deadline and partly due to the uncertainty that's currently surrounding me in real life so I will definitely need to take people's comments on board before I continue with this series, which I do intend to (though that does leave me with three stories I mean to get around to writing more of eventually. It really makes me appreciate authors who can successfully juggle multiple stories at once even more).

I've now read all the entries a couple of times and made my vote. I will comment on all the stories hopefully by the end of the weekend. Until then, thanks once again to everybody who has read and enjoyed my little contribution.

Re "Twice the Fun":

Sorry it's taken me so long to leave feedback for your entry, pansardum. It's good to see these workshops encourage new writers to take the plunge. Frankly, however, this story just didn't push my buttons. As another commenter noted, the long, detailed descriptions of Tara's size and musculature seemed to be aimed at a somewhat different "demographic." Admittedly, there's bound to be some overlap between "muscle/growth" fans and "superfemme" aficionados -- as the poll demonstrates -- and I can easily imagine someone with a different set of predilections enjoying your story very much. The fact that I didn't says more about my particular kinks than the quality of your entry.

I did like the idea that the Sybian doubles the user's strength each time she uses it, so that after nine "rides," Tara is 500+ times stronger than she was to begin with. Of course, exponential growth being what it is, even a machine/potion/spell that boosts the user's strength by only (say) 5% each time will enable her to juggle tanks before too long. Add an addictive quality and all kinds of possibilities open up!

A lot later than I’d intended here in no particular order are my thoughts on the workshop entries.

Spare Parts
I like the idea of an alien who is so different that he (if he has any meaning for such a creature) has absolutely no understanding of humanity beyond the very basics that his people have managed to discover and that even after living with a human for a reasonable amount of time he still has very limited understanding. I also liked that even with the vast differences the alien has to deal with a bureaucracy that seems fairly similar to several on Earth with its arcane procedures for dealing with a lost body. I think the idea of a spare body is very interesting and I can’t remember coming across it anywhere else before. I quite liked Amanda before her transformation and could understand why she was willing to risk the unknown since she had the double whammy of being raped and of knowing her life was coming to an end. Unfortunately I can’t say I liked her anything like as much after the new personality was imprinted on her. There was certainly some justice in how she treated her ex once she became the one with all the advantages, but I couldn’t feel that much satisfaction since Amanda took it way too far. If the story were to continue I’d like to see some aspects of her former personality reassert themselves after she becomes more used to her new body and its “defensive systems”.

Heart of the Fantasy
I found this one a difficult story to come to an opinion on. The story is clearly a beginning rather than a complete tale and I like the idea of examining how the world and especially comic fans react to the appearance of a superhuman in a world where such beings are not possible. The mission of the Superman and his decision to bequeath his powers to a young woman so she can finish his task have potential, but I do feel that a lot more can and should be done with the story. Once the new Supergirl has been revealed to the world then things could get very interesting.

Cos-Play
I’d forgotten about this story until I read the workshop version. As I remember, I said at the time that the original version was submitted that I liked the “dream” sequence and the way the narrative changes from first to third-person. I still love it as the switch seems to me to fit perfectly, showing that Shane hadn’t realised what she was getting into and also perhaps that she wasn’t fully in control of her own body at that point. I also like how she uses her new abilities, not instantly showing off except with those who already know about what the costumes do. She certainly uses her powers for play and they seem to make her more self-confident. I don’t remember if the original version ended with a proposal but I think it’s the perfect ending to the revised version and I also think that the story could be expanded on since there seem to be quite a few other people who have purchased costumes, but the story is self-contained enough that it doesn’t need to be.

Twice the Fun
This was another story I found difficult to put my thoughts together on. Like Cos-Play it is a self-contained story and so doesn’t need to be expanded on to have the full effect. I can’t remember ever seeing transformation devices advertised via porn films before and I think that’s a clever idea, especially as it would help keep the use of Sybians to only a small circle of people. I find it interesting how Tara is so sheepish about what she’s done, perhaps embarrassed and also worried that she might have driven her friend away. I’m not entirely sure but I suspect that Tara and Jess have had feelings for each other for some time but have never admitted it either to themselves or to anybody else until now, or at least Jess hasn’t. In the end I think the story intrigued me but I couldn’t say much more about it.

Baker’s Dozen
As with several other stories this workshop this story is the start of a longer tale. I like that it is based on the idea of somebody living out the fantasy of making women super. It certainly provides an interesting starting point, especially as poor Bobby seems to be letting his wishes get out of hand already, making people super without even really thinking about it too much. He seems to be unable to think too much around the people he has made super, or at least so I judge since both of them have invited him to spend time with them at exactly the same time and he hasn’t realised the conflict. I suspect that whatever he does he will discover hell hath no fury like a superwoman scorned especially as he assembles his dozen. I would also be interested to see how the ret-con effect interacts with the wider world. Does the world know that there are now and apparently there have always been two super-powered people at the same school? If not, they will surely find out soon. I look forward to more.

All in all I don’t think there was a stand-out story for me, but I did find something to enjoy or intrigue in each of them and I thank the authors for their efforts.

argonaut wrote: Re "Twice the Fun":
I did like the idea that the Sybian doubles the user's strength each time she uses it, so that after nine "rides," Tara is 500+ times stronger than she was to begin with. Of course, exponential growth being what it is, even a machine/potion/spell that boosts the user's strength by only (say) 5% each time will enable her to juggle tanks before too long. Add an addictive quality and all kinds of possibilities open up!

The dangers with exponential growth isn't really evident in the story since I ended it as it was getting out of hand. I made the decision to double the strength to play with the title. I never wrote out how strong Jess became at the end, but it is quite a lot. Maybe a little to much; thankfully the machine was destroyed, who knows where it would have ended otherwise.

Thank you to everyone who commented on my story and voted for it in the poll. I'm pleased that so many readers chose it as their favorite out of what I thought was a very strong set of entries.

Chapter 4 should be ready by the end of the week. I just need to fill in a few blank spots. It will answer the question a couple of you have asked: What will happen at 3:20, when Bobby has to keep his dates with two supergirls? (Mild spoiler: Make that three.)

Regarding the "ret-con" effect: I came up with that device so that I wouldn't have to write twelve scenes in which the girl is shocked to discover that she's gained super-powers. I felt that would get pretty old pretty fast. As Anon points out, the ret-con device streamlines the story -- although as shadar points out, it can create its own complications.

Other questions will be answered, at least speculatively, as the story progresses: How come Cindy got bigger but not Ms. Bartlett? Why do the "transformees" have the hots for Bobby? Bobby will be coming up with some theories about how the card works, which will give him some control over the transformations. And yes, JKIJ, a lot of people are curious as to why all the superwomen on Earth are students or staff members of a high school in an otherwise ordinary town.

shadar: It's not the card that has a will of its own; it's Bobby's adolescent libido.

I have to admit that I don't have the entire story plotted out in advance. Bobby makes his third wish in Chapter 4, and I have a pretty clear idea how the next two wishes will go. And I have an idea (still somewhat nebulous) for the final wish. But that still leaves six. So I'm wide open to suggestions. Should Bobby confide in a friend, who "borrows" the card for his own purposes? Are there other card-holders creating their own supergirls? Maybe Bobby can visit a comic con, or attend a beach volleyball tournament? Ideas, anyone? Like I said, I'm wide open.

Thank you to everyone who commented on my story and voted for it in the poll. I'm pleased that so many readers chose it as their favorite out of what I thought was a very strong set of entries.

Chapter 4 should be ready by the end of the week. I just need to fill in a few blank spots. It will answer the question a couple of you have asked: What will happen at 3:20, when Bobby has to keep his dates with two supergirls? (Mild spoiler: Make that three.)

Regarding the "ret-con" effect: I came up with that device so that I wouldn't have to write twelve scenes in which the girl is shocked to discover that she's gained super-powers. I felt that would get pretty old pretty fast. As Anon points out, the ret-con device streamlines the story -- although as shadar points out, it can create its own complications.

Other questions will be answered, at least speculatively, as the story progresses: How come Cindy got bigger but not Ms. Bartlett? Why do the "transformees" have the hots for Bobby? Bobby will be coming up with some theories about how the card works, which will give him some control over the transformations. And yes, JKIJ, a lot of people are curious as to why all the superwomen on Earth are students or staff members of a high school in an otherwise ordinary town.

shadar: It's not the card that has a will of its own; it's Bobby's adolescent libido.

I have to admit that I don't have the entire story plotted out in advance. Bobby makes his third wish in Chapter 4, and I have a pretty clear idea how the next two wishes will go. And I have an idea (still somewhat nebulous) for the final wish. But that still leaves six. So I'm wide open to suggestions. Should Bobby confide in a friend, who "borrows" the card for his own purposes? Are there other card-holders creating their own supergirls? Maybe Bobby can visit a comic con, or attend a beach volleyball tournament? Ideas, anyone? Like I said, I'm wide open.

argonaut wrote: Thank you to everyone who commented on my story and voted for it in the poll. I'm pleased that so many readers chose it as their favorite out of what I thought was a very strong set of entries.

Chapter 4 should be ready by the end of the week. I just need to fill in a few blank spots. It will answer the question a couple of you have asked: What will happen at 3:20, when Bobby has to keep his dates with two supergirls? (Mild spoiler: Make that three.)

Regarding the "ret-con" effect: I came up with that device so that I wouldn't have to write twelve scenes in which the girl is shocked to discover that she's gained super-powers. I felt that would get pretty old pretty fast. As Anon points out, the ret-con device streamlines the story -- although as shadar points out, it can create its own complications.

You're quite welcome, buddy! I can't wait! I agree that that was the best way to go. It's also an ingenious idea!

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who took the time to read or commment on or vote on "Spare Parts".

For those of you that liked it, I'm glad that you did. I plan to continue it at some point, but am hoping to get a little further with my current series, Deep Down Inside, first. For those of you that didn't like it, I'll be sure to give the story a fresh read over-- and perhaps tweak a few things based upon the commentary-- before continuing.

I'll be sitting out the Spring Workshop in order to focus Deep Down Inside. Also, given my writing style, I probably can't write a shopping list in under 1000 words, let alone a story.

If I had to give one "shout out" for the Fall Workshop, it would be pansardum's piece "Twice the Fun." I thought the story was one heck of a ride (literally!). I really liked the contrast between, on the one hand, the dark, cold and lonely trudge back from the library and, on the other, the warmth and intimacy of their, uh, reinvigorated friendship. It was playful, sexy, and contiained just the requisite amount of ass-kicking. I hope the story gets continued; I can't wait to see what type of mischief or adventures these two ladies get into next. One note: having two protagonists of unequal strength worked for this story but might become a nuisance in follow-on chapters: the differences between the two main characters can become a distraction from the real thrust of the story. Tara is absurdly strong by any measure, and you would not want a subplot where Tara is somehow feeling weak in comparison to her more powerful friend. I would suggest that subsequent chapters somehow put the two girls on a level playing field, either by bumping Tara up, or by allowing some type of power-sharing arrangment that allows them transfer the mojo between each other. Either way, fun story -- hope we see more.

circes_cup wrote: If I had to give one "shout out" for the Fall Workshop, it would be pansardum's piece "Twice the Fun." I thought the story was one heck of a ride (literally!). I really liked the contrast between, on the one hand, the dark, cold and lonely trudge back from the library and, on the other, the warmth and intimacy of their, uh, reinvigorated friendship. It was playful, sexy, and contiained just the requisite amount of ass-kicking. I hope the story gets continued; I can't wait to see what type of mischief or adventures these two ladies get into next. One note: having two protagonists of unequal strength worked for this story but might become a nuisance in follow-on chapters: the differences between the two main characters can become a distraction from the real thrust of the story. Tara is absurdly strong by any measure, and you would not want a subplot where Tara is somehow feeling weak in comparison to her more powerful friend. I would suggest that subsequent chapters somehow put the two girls on a level playing field, either by bumping Tara up, or by allowing some type of power-sharing arrangment that allows them transfer the mojo between each other. Either way, fun story -- hope we see more.

Glad you liked the ride.
I haven't thought of any continuation yet, but 'never say never' right. Maybe Greg is ready to try his luck again with Jess on her way home, I only hope he survives that encounter.
I actually think the unequal strength could be a fun challenge for the characters, having the now stronger confident Jess play around with everyone and everything, while the more reserved Tara must try to keep her in check. Could probably still level the playing field a bit by adding a diminishing returns effect or that it wears off during withdrawal. Cause as it is now, Jess might be a bit too powerful, (about 8 million times more powerful than Tara... Huh, who would have guessed, exponential growth gets out of hand rather fast )

Only 8 million? I think she can do better.