Workshop Entries

argonaut wrote: OK, I've read the stories. Time to leave some feedback. First up:

"An Interest in Chuck," by Dro1076

The basic plot is pretty standard -- girl gains vast superhuman powers and goes on a spree of killing and mayhem. What makes it stand out from other stories of this type is the character of Charlie. He provides focus for a story of a world-changing event, an objective view of the unusual goings-on in the town and the world, and his unique immunity to Irene's mind control adds an element of mystery. (Though it's never explained, unless I'm missing something.) The opening pages put me in mind of the old Twilight Zone series: I can easily imagine Rod Serling stepping forward to say: "Submitted for your consideration: Charlie Ulray, an ordinary man in an ordinary town on a far from ordinary day ..." Smoothly written and nicely paced, with a momentum that kept me reading until the end. Props!

On In the Blink of an Eye, I gotta say you let us know we're in for a good adventure with the James Bond opening early on, and continue to keep the pace of the story to a satisfying conclusion. I liked how Lex wasn't just a wallflower by any means, but was a strong and important part of the story in his own right. A thoroughly enjoyable story with well thought out arc. With this classy Saturday morning adventure, DKC's well delivered classic, and Castor's intriguing approach, I've got my competition well cut out for me.

You picked up on my subtle avoidance of a real explaination about Charlie. I did have a few ideas, but thought it made him more mysterious and therefore a little more interesting if the reader didn't know for sure, just as Irene doesn't know. Just as I avoided explaining why Irene was so unique. The main reason, tbh, he is immune to her mind powers is because he has to be for he story to work.

Thanks for the reviews, Argonaut. And thanks to Team Acenaut for delivering a great story!

Very soon.

Fats

argonaut wrote:

Dru1076 wrote: On In the Blink of an Eye, I gotta say you let us know we're in for a good adventure with the James Bond opening early on, and continue to keep the pace of the story to a satisfying conclusion. I liked how Lex wasn't just a wallflower by any means, but was a strong and important part of the story in his own right. A thoroughly enjoyable story with well thought out arc. With this classy Saturday morning adventure, DKC's well delivered classic, and Castor's intriguing approach, I've got my competition well cut out for me.

You picked up on my subtle avoidance of a real explaination about Charlie. I did have a few ideas, but thought it made him more mysterious and therefore a little more interesting if the reader didn't know for sure, just as Irene doesn't know. Just as I avoided explaining why Irene was so unique. The main reason, tbh, he is immune to her mind powers is because he has to be for he story to work.

Thanks for the reviews, Argonaut. And thanks to Team Acenaut for delivering a great story!

"James Bond opening" was a phrase Ace and I used when we were writing "The Supergirl of Smallville." We'd often begin a chapter with a scene of Supergirl in action that was unrelated to the main plot of the chapter, just like the opening scene of a James Bond movie. We figured it would help to draw readers into the story. Here, of course, it also establishes that Superwoman is a familiar presence in Metropolis by the time the story takes place.

Although I've written some take-offs on Saturday morning cartoons (with super-powered versions of Daphne from "Scooby Doo": and Jan from "Space Ghost"), for this workshop story Ace and I were aiming for something more like an episode of the Lois & Clark TV series.

Getting back to Charlie for a moment: I don't know if this is one of the ideas you had in mind, but I was wondering if his lack of sociability and his aptitude for mechanics meant that he was at the high-functioning end of the autistic spectrum, and if this had anything to do with his immunity to Irene's mind control. But I think you were right to avoid providing an explanation. As you say, his immunity is simply the "given" on which the story is built.

I was tossing up between "Saturday morning" or "primetime" adventure. When I think about it, the latter would have been a more accurate description.

As for your observations on Charlie, I would say he is definitely "on the spectrum".

Since I've finished reading all the entries I need to make a bit of clean up in my mind before voting.
One big disclaimer first these opinions are mine as a user of this site, not as part of the staff (since I've been accused at least once of "trying to pilot other's opinion").

The Story by Castor
I have to agree with the general opinion so far that this story is, probably, among the most unusual not just of this workshop, but of the entire site. The common -- and not so common -- people perspective is a good trick that immediately gives the story a special identity, but it also highlight the fact that this might not be the best format for it. I can totally see this kind of trick being pulled as a filler episode of a TV series and it has the potential to work very well there. As a story it felt very fragmented and it lacked a cohesive element, a single narrator that chained all these voices together.
There's also a second element that might not be up to everyone's alley: we never really see the payoff. We got many little treats along the way, many hints of what the local supergirl can do, but we never really see her in action. I understad that it was done on purpose to keep in with the tone of the story, but it also limit the possible perspective. It's a very trick balance and I believe Castor juggled it pretty well given the length of the entry, but the feeling of leaving the theatre after the first half of a movie is strong.


In the Blink of an Eye by Team Acenaut
Compared to "The Story" this entry is extremely classic in theme and execution, but it also gave me a weird unfinished feeling. It's the same I got when I buy a issue of comic book I love after years: the characters and the situations are immediately recognizable, but there are a lot of gaps. One of things I like the most it's the many little cameos and homages Argo and Ace crammed into the story: e.g. Lana working as an illustrator reminded me of the '80s Captain America, when Steve Rogers worked as a cartoonist for the Marvel Comics. While the story is about Lana, I think that Lex stole the show because he's the character we can appreciate more in terms of personal growth. While Lana/Superwoman is still playing the same game, just in the big city, Lex has moved on and put his limited -- but by no means insignificant -- talents to good use. Like in some chapters of TSoS, she might have the powers, but he's the one that plays the hero in the end.
The description used by Dru of a Saturday morning cartoon is very appropriate and ties in with my original feeling: this is a piece of serial narrative taken out of order. This is part of the story style and it's clear that Ace and Argo mastered it quite well, but it's also a bit of a drawback: I want more, I'd love to know what happened to the other characters starting with Clark and, also, see how things developed in this world for many other classic Metropolis faces, like Lois, Perry and Jimmy.


Element X by DKC
In terms of crossing stories this is the beast of this workshop. As far as I can tell there are at least 3 intertwined storylines and that's without considering the background and personal stories of some of the other superhuman involved (like Jen and Eve). All this potential makes for a very vast world that, unfortunately it's only hinted in many cases. As Argo observed before the fact of seeing a change in how Maria deals with her powers and their consequence is and excellent story tool, but I'm not sure it really clicked with me this time. I might be dead wrong, but in some moments it seem to me that Maria's struggle it's more with her own self-image, rather than the real implications of her powers. I think that it depends on my perception of her first big decisions: I can see her killing Becky in a hindbrain reaction to being telekinetically bullied, whereas what she did to Melissa was actually very deliberate, but she seemed to struggle more with the first act than the second. Perhaps having a bit more details about her time in juvie hall would have made the transition from teenager Maria to adult Maria smoother and her refusal to use her powers later on more poignant.
The final struggle is probably the highlight of the story and, in spite of a little WTF moment for me when Blender revealed himself as an A.I., I enjoyed the combat and a couple of moments -- like the final "breast press" -- were very nice in their own kinky way. Both the end and the post-credits are extremely well writter and close the main storyline pretty well, while leaving some manuvering space for future expansions.
In spite of all its flaw I found this story enjoyable in its very classic style.


A Interest in Chuck by Dru
Looking at this story side-by-side with Element X, I think that the similarities between them are present, but not as deep as they appear at first glance. While both DKC and Dru used the gimmick of a power-copy character, the way the two character wield their abilities are very different and produce very different results: Element X is the story of Maria, while this is the story of Irene told to Chuck and adding this second voice makes all the difference in the world. Also pointing out what is Maria's signature power is hard for me, because Maria use many and they all seem equally important to her characterization, while in Irene's case it's clearly mind control. She has incredible physical powers, but the whole story revolves around her ability to mind control people on a global scale and how encountering a single anomaly, the one person out of 7 billions that can resist her, set the entire plot into motion. Like Lex before, Charlie stole the show, but for reasons that are completely different: in a world going crazy, he provides a link to our normal perspective that we can relate to and play along. The comparison to Twilight Zone feels absolutely spot on to me.
I have to say that while this entry has a bit of that terrible feeling of "super-powers with a in-built tutorial" the pace and the delivery worked really well for me and I enjoyed this entry a lot.