Drunk & Disorderly
Written by CavemanNinjaJoe :: [Monday, 11 January 2010 13:55] Last updated by :: [Monday, 06 August 2012 11:21]
Synopsis: An alien superwoman's investigation of Earth cultures gets a bit off track.
Somewhere beyond Jupiter a large, vaguely birdlike star-ship cruises through the void. Inside, a young, red-haired woman stares into a sheet of reflective duritanium, studying her reflection. “Seamstress, are you certain that this is the correct attire?”
“Yes Sa'tha. With these 'glasses', 'tank top', and 'jeans' you should fit in perfectly. None of the earthlings will suspect a thing. Now go to the briefing, you are already running late.” The seamstress says. Sa'tha nods and walks into an adjoining room. The room is circular, with a high, arched roof. Around the edge of the room twelve women sit upon grand thrones.
“Mistresses.” Sa'tha bows to the assembled women. “I apologize for my tardiness. I will endeavour to perform better in future.”
“See that you do Sa'tha.” said one of the Mistresses sternly. “For now though we have other matters to tend to. Have you been fully instructed on the details of your mission?”
“I know that I am to investigate the third planet of this system, to aid in determining its suitability as a partner for the Renellian Matriarchy.”
“Quite so.” said another of the Mistresses. “To be specific, your task is to investigate the day to day lives of its citizens. We wish to know how they conduct themselves when not in an official capacity. To this end, you are to pose as one of them, go down to the planet, find a member of the species that calls itself 'human', and follow them around interacting as you, and more importantly they, see fit. However, you should be careful that the humans do not discover that you are Renellian.”
“Sa'tha, may the blessings of Maler'is follow you.”
“And you, Mistress.” Sa'tha says. Bowing once more, and heading to the shuttle bay.
Hours later, in a field in Illinois, the cattle look skyward as Sa'tha's shuttle races across the sky. It crashes down in a lightly wooded area, a few miles from the nearest town. Sa'tha easily pops open the door, and steps out into the cold night air.
Sa'tha looks around, taking in her surroundings. Spotting an old oak tree, she walks up to it. Intrigued by the unfamiliar sight, she begins to examine the tree, “Greetings.” she says to it politely. It doesn't answer. “Greetings?” again, nothing. “Why do you not respond?” she asked it. It just swayed in the breeze.
Sa'tha looks at the strange thing more closely, and notices the roots lodged in the ground. “Are you trapped?” she asks with worry. She grabs a hold of the tree, wrapping her arms around it and pressing her soft breasts against the bark, cracking it. Slowly, she pulls the tree upward. It gets ripped from the ground with an almighty *crack*. Roots pop up all around the woman as she raises it into the air. Slowly, she sets the enormous tree down next to her.
“There you go, you are free!” Sa'tha says. The tree just sits there. “Well, you are free now! Run off to meet your friends!” she says, getting irritated. The tree, naturally, doesn't move.
“Well, fine! You can stay here you ungrateful creature!” Sa'tha says. She lifts up the tree again, and slams it back into the ground. Shaking her head in annoyance, she activates her locator watch. She uses it to find a town several miles away. Sa'tha turns and sprints off towards the horizon in a blur, leaving a great trail of dust in her wake. Moments later, she arrives out the front of a building. A flashing neon sign declares it to be 'The Waterhole'. Sa'tha heads in.
Inside The Waterhole, a man sits at the bar, his eyes are bloodshot, and he's mulling over his eighth beer of the evening. The bartender, spotting him, walks up and asks, “So what's yer name pal, don't think I've seen you round here before?”. The man looks up at him, and grumbles, “Steve.”
“Alright Steve, what's up? World got ya down?” Steve nods. “So what's up?”
“I lost my job three days ago.” Steve says, looking at the empty glass. “My bum of a boss fired me when he thought I was stealing stationary... IT WASN'T ME DAMNIT!” he burst out, seemingly at himself.
“Well, that's pretty bad...” the barman tried to console him. “....but I'm sure you can find another job...” Steve looked up at him through bloodshot eyes and continued. “It gets worse. When I lost the job, my girlfriend Anna said she didn't want to go out with 'a penniless loser' like me. She dumped my ass and went back to live with her parents. ”
“Well, that's bad but...” the bartender starts, this time he didn't even get a chance to finish his thought before Steve storms, “THAT'S NOT THE END OF IT! I've been paying this contractor to build my new house see, but the guy keeps falling behind schedule. I've only been able to keep up with the payments because Anna was helping out. Now I can't pay for that, I can't pay for the mortgage on the land, the bank's threatening to foreclose, and to top it off, I USED MY SPORTS CAR AS THE COLLATERAL!”. By this point, heads are starting to turn toward the two.
The bartender takes a moment to gather his thoughts, before saying as calmly as he could. “Well, it sounds like you're in a right pickle there, friend. But perhaps rather than sitting around here, drinking yourself stupid, you should head home and try to sort all this out?”
“SORT IT OUT! HOW! I'M ABSOLUTELY FUCKED MAN!” Steve screams at the barman. By now, almost everyone in the bar is looking at them. “WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!”
By sheer coincidence, Sa'tha chooses this moment to enter the bar. The few heads that aren't already looking at Steve turn in her direction. Most of the male ones don't turn away again, except for a few who receive a forceful slap from their female companions.
Sa'tha scans her surroundings, and notices that almost everyone in the bar is focused on the man at the bar who is screaming his lungs out. She walks up to the bar, and sits down on the stool next to the raving lunatic. By this time Steve has stopped yelling, and now is just crying into his drink.
“Greetings..” Sa'tha says to Steve. In his stupor, it takes him a moment to realize who she was talking to. “Oh, hi.” he says glumly. “My name is Samantha.” Sa'tha says, giving the codename she'd been assigned for this mission. “What is yours?”
“Steve.” he says, holding out his hand. Sa'tha holds out her own in mid-air next to it. Steve looks at her oddly for a moment before gripping her hand, and shaking it. “What brings a pretty thing like you to this dump?”
“You do.” she says as though its the most obvious thing in the world. “I wish to know more about you.”
“Really?” Steve says, suddenly much more interested in where this was going. “How so?”
“What is it you do with your time?”
“Right now? Well...” he hiccups slightly. “...I spend it worryin', and gettin' drunk.”
“What is it you worry about?” she asks. He fills her in on the situation with his girlfriend, the bank, the contractor, and so on. When he finishes ranting, she looks him straight in the eye and asks, “So, it seems to me that the root of the problem in this situation, is money, and your lack thereof.” He grunts, looking back into her brilliant green eyes, and said “S'pose.”
“Then how does sitting here spending your remaining money on amber fluids assist your predicament?” she asks, genuinely confused. “Doesn't, I guess. Just means I don't have to think about it.” he hiccups again.
“Well, how do you propose to fix this without thinking about it?” He stares blankly at the far wall for a moment, before he suddenly leaps off the barstool, and points at the roof, wobbling slightly as he gets to his feet. “Yer right... pretty lady! I'm gonna go out there...” he hiccups yet again, “...and sort this out! See ya later, suckers!” he yells to the other people in the bar.
Sa'tha runs out after him. Just as she reaches the door, she stops, and turns back to face everyone else in the bar. She very politely says, “See you later, suckers.” and dashes out into the night after him.
Sa'tha finds Steve about half a block away, just standing around, staring at nothing in particular. “Is this the plan?” she asks nicely, “Stand on a street corner?”
“Well...” he says, clearly trying to think, but given his current inebriated state, that is no easy task. “... I need money....”
“Yes, we've established that. Where would you normally get money?”
“The bank, I guess.”
“Well, then we'll go to the bank. Which way is it?” Steve thinks for a moment, his hand on his chin, his face screwed up in concentration. “That way.” he says at last, pointing to a building on the opposite site of the road with 'City Savings Bank' carved in large letters over the entrance.
“That was a simple matter.” Sa'tha comments. “Shall we go to this 'bank' then?”
“Well, they're not open now.” Steve says, rolling his eyes. “I'll come back tomorrow.”
“Wouldn't you rather solve the problem now?” she asks, confused. “Why wait until tomorrow?”
“Because they don't....” he hiccups again. Sa'tha starts to wonder if he is somehow ill. “...let me get my money when they're not open.”
“Wait...” Sa'tha says, now really confused. “...if it is your money, then what right would another have to deny it to you?” Steve looks thoughtful again. “None, I guess, why...” he never finishes the question. Sa'tha has already walked up to the heavy bank doors. He runs up next to her. “Yeah, its stupid, but it doesn't help us get through these doors.” He looks back out to the street, rolling his eyes. Sa'tha, calmly as can be, places her hands on the rectangular handles of the large metal and glass doors, and pushes. The force exerted by her slender arms bends the large metal bar holding the doors shut out of shape with a horrible shriek. The hinges of the doors buckle and fall off. The doors fly across the lobby, and come to a rest near the teller's booths.
Steve looks back around, and sees the doors lying in the middle of the room. “Huh, I thought they were locked?” Steve says, still too stupefied and drunk to fully process what had just happened.
“So, shall we go get your money?” Sa'tha asks, so calmly she may have been asking about the weather. “I guess.” Steve hiccups. They step over the precipice, and walk in. “So, where is this money?”
“S'pose it'd be in the vault.”
“Yeah, y'know, big, heavy metal door, combination locks, shouldn't be too hard to find.” Sa'tha looks around the room. A few seconds later, she spots the door in question. “There is the vault.” she says confidently. Steve looks around and sees her pointing to a blank wall.
“Just beyond that wall.”
“Uh huh.” Steve says, very sceptically. Still, they walked around and, lo and behold, there is a large, circular metal door on the wall.
"How did you know *hic* that was here?"
“Well, whatever. How are we going to get this thing open?” he asks. “I didn't bring any bombs, did you?” he asks sarcastically. “Why would we require an explosive to open this door?”
“Why?! Its a metal door! Those things are crazy hard to open!” Sa'tha just looks back at the door curiously. She walks up to it, still looking it over.
Then, without warning, and to Steve's amazement, the woman he knows as Samantha thrusts her fingers towards the door. They impact with a noise like a gunshot. His mouth drops open as she sinks her arms deeper in the mangled metal, stopping when they are about halfway up her forearms.
Sa'tha curls her arms upward, pulling the door towards her slender body. The metal groans under the pressure. Suddenly, with a loud *tink* the door dislodges from its heavy hinges. It falls outwards, and Sa'tha, quite by accident, pulls it into her chest. She gives a faint moan as the door presses against her.
Then she throws the door aside. Steve, even though he can barely stand on his own two feet, can't help but notice two large dents in the metal. Did she just press the shape of her tits into the door? Who is this chick!
“Holy shit, its like she's like my own personal... super-woman!” he says, stunned. While he stands around like a statue, Sa'tha enters the vault. “So, what does this 'money' look like?” she asks Steve. He doesn't respond. “Steve?”
“Oh.” he says, snapping out of his trance. “I think it should be in the bags.”
“These ones?” Sa'tha holds out a heavy looking, rectangular shaped bag. “Looks about right.” Steve says. “How many do you need?” Steve thinks about it for a moment and replies “Quite a lot.”
“Will this be sufficient?” she steps out of the vault. Nearly three dozen bags are piled up in her arms. Now, even when sober, Steve is no math whiz, but he doesn't need to be to realize that there must be millions of dollars in those bags. “That... should... be plenty.” he says, as calmly as he can, “Let's get these back to my place shall we?”. Sa'tha nods, and they leave the bank. After they drop the bags back at the half-finished house, Sa'tha says. “There you go. There's all the money you need, your problems are solved.”
“Not quite.” Steve says, grinning like a madman.
A few minutes later, the two of them arrive out the front of a nice looking two-story house, in the hills on the outskirts of town. “So, who are we 'delivering a message' to?” Sa'tha asks.
“Remember the contractor I told you 'bout?” Steve asks. “Yes.” Sa'tha replies uncertainly. “Well, this is his house.” he says.
Sa'tha stares at the building for a moment. “There appears to be no-one inside.” Steve just says, “Doesn't matter. He'll get the message. So, do you reckon you could wreck this place?”
“It will be as simple as breathing.” she tells him calmly. “Alright then.” Steve says happily, leaning on a nearby post-box, and gesturing for her to get started.
“As you wish.” she says, and turns back towards the building. She doesn't appear to be moving. “Um, hello? Shouldn't you be destroying it now?” Steve says, getting impatient. Then he notices what she's doing. Her nostrils are dilated. Her lungs are expanding, filling with air. Her already tight tank top is stretched as far as the material can handle. Steve could have sworn he saw her nipples straining against the fabric.
She can't, she couldn't possibly do that...! Steve thinks to himself. He is more than happy to be proven wrong as Sa'tha purses her lips and blows. An unfathomable wind gust comes out. Trees are bent in half. The contractor's pick-up truck flips over in the driveway. The roar of the wind coming from Sa'tha is incredible. However, as far as Steve is concerned, the best bit was what was happening to the house. The wood panels peel off and fly through the air. Windows shatter. The drywall crumbles and blows into the air. Even the solid wooden frame can't stand up to the force of Sa'tha's super-breath. Chunks crack and splinter, getting carried off with the rest of the debris.
When Sa'tha relents, the building is gone. Completely gone. She had blown the building to pieces, using less effort than most people would use to blow out their birthday candles. She looks over at Steve, attempting to gauge his reaction.
Steve just looks at her, stunned into silence once again. He glances back and forwards between the ruined building and Sa'tha's lovely, soft face, especially her lips. Soft, sensual red lips that harness the power to tear down entire buildings in one blow! He feels a faint twitch in his trousers. Sa'tha notices the fabric around his crotch jump, but doesn't say anything.
“So, what else do you want to do?” she asks calmly.
A half hour or so later, they stand out the front of an office block. “What is this place?”
“It used to be my office.” Steve says, with unmistakable anger. “I toiled away on the third floor for years for that jerk, then one day he just chucks me out for no damn reason! Well, I... *hic* we'll see about that.” He looks over at Sa'tha. “I wanna wreck it.”
“Then do so.” she says like its the simplest thing in the world. He rolls his eyes and said, “No, I mean, you wreck it.”
“Then why did you say you wished to 'wreck it', if you wish me to do so?” Steve just slaps a hand to his forehead and says, “Look, are you going to wreck it or not?”
“If you wish me to.” she says. “Alright then, do your stuff.” he says. Sa'tha walks up to the building. “Wait a moment!” he calls to her. “Can you do it a different way this time?”
“That will be a simple matter.” she says. She doesn't move at all. “What's wrong now?” Steve eventually asks with irritation.
“How much longer is a 'moment'?” she asks, very seriously. Steve rolls his eyes and just says “Oh for... do it now!” she turns back toward the building. She reaches up to her face, and lowers her glasses. Her eyes turn a brilliant red.
Suddenly, to Steve's utter amazement, twin beams of energy blast out of Sa'tha's eyes, and strike the second floor of the building. Everything they touch catches alight, as though she applied a giant blowtorch to the building. She moves her head around, getting the beams to strike every part of the glass and steel.
Inside, everything is ablaze. Desks burn, windows blow out, computers melt, everything else is simply obliterated by nothing more than Sa'tha's gaze.
This time, when she relents, the destruction doesn't. She turns once again to check Steve's reaction. He just stands and stares at her, as she stands calmly in front of the burning building. He watches as her eyes revert from bright red to their natural green. He stares into them, completely blank, entranced by a gaze that could topple cities. His pants are twitching again, more noticeably than before.
When Steve finally comes back to his senses, he says, “Wow, Samantha... that was great!” she blushes a little bit. “There's one more place I want to head to before we go home. Anna's parents own this used car place in Demart. Should be easy to find, its the only one in town.”
“Where is Demart?”
“A few hundred miles west. Too far to walk.” He says, suddenly worried that this won't be possible. Then he has a brainwave. ”Could you get us there faster?”
“That will be a simple matter.” she easily scoops Steve up, and cradles him as she would a child. Of course, if he were a child she wouldn't have his nether-regions periodically jabbing her in the ribs. “Hold on to me tightly.” she instructs. He flings his arms loosely around her neck.
“What're you gonna do?” he asks. “We are going to fly to this town.”
“Like, go up?” he asks, pointing downward. “No.” Sa'tha says bluntly. Moments later, Sa'tha's delicate feet lift up off the ground and she floats smoothly into the air. “Holy crap...” Steve says to himself, watching the street and the burning skyscraper grow ever further away. He's so high he can see fire engines from streets away as they race to put out the fires.
Suddenly, Sa'tha shifts her body to be parallel with the ground. Steve is caught off guard, and slips from her arms. “Whoh.... ARRRGGGGGH!!!” he screams, plummeting towards Earth. Alarmed, Sa'tha wheels around, and swoops in underneath him, catching him cleanly. “I said that you should hold on to me tight, is that going to be a problem?” she asks.
“Well, I don't want to hold on too tightly and hurt you.” he says, still slightly shaken. “That is sweet of you, but I do not believe that will happen.” she says. “Okay then...” he says nervously. He flings his arms around her, and hugs her as tightly as he can. She barely even notices his grip. “Is that as tightly as you can hold me.” she asks. “Yes.”
“In that case, we should go.” she says, and rockets off towards the horizon at supersonic speed.
Within twenty minutes, Sa'tha glides above Demart. Steve, his hair now forced out of shape by the fierce winds, spots a sign reading 'Grady's Autos'. ”This is the place, set us down there!” he yells over the wind. Sa'tha touches down, and stands out the front of the yard, with her hands on her hips. She notices Steve is staggering a little. Apparently the combination of high speed flight and too much booze had finally gotten to him.
“Are you feeling optimal?” she asks kindly. “Yeah, just... give me a minute.” he says, leaning on a nearby light post.
“So, what do you wish to do?” she asks him, as he gradually regains his balance. Well, most of his balance anyway, he's still a bit tipsy. “Do you reckon you could get rid of it? Make sure they... won't be able to find it in the morning?”
“That should be simple.” Sa'tha says. Steve can't help noticing her chest, made that much more pronounced by her power pose. “Hey, could you do it topless?” he asks boldly.
“Topless? I imagine this task would be much more difficult without my head.” she replies. “Huh? No, just take your shirt off!”
“Oh. Alright.” she says, and peels off the white tank top. Steve stands in silent awe, ogling her mounds as they bounce free.
She calmly floats back up into the air, then shoots down into the ground. She carves through the concrete and dirt, starting to enjoy the feel of it rubbing across her body as she ploughs through. Then, she stops at the point she had calculated to be the exact centre of the building.
Steve, as usual, has no idea what she's up to, and wonders where the heck she could have gone. Then, without any warning, two beams of energy shoot up out the ground a few feet in front of him. “Omph!” goes Steve, stumbling backwards and falling flat on his back. The beams curve along the street in a smooth arc, turning the corner, heading around around the back of the building, and finally moving back to where they started, effectively cutting a circle around the used car lot. Suddenly, there is an almighty rumble, and a great crunch. Steve stares in slack-jawed awe as the ground inside the circle starts to shift back and forth. Cars bounce left and right as the ground is shunted around. Then, the car yard starts to rise.
The massive chunk of concrete, cars, metal and earth floats into the sky, pieces of it crumbling away and falling back into the pit. Finally, Steve sees Sa'tha, holding her arms under the middle of the chunk, pushing it into the air with her slender, feminine arms. Her hair flaps about in a faint breeze.
“Oh...my...God.” Steve mumbles, as the gorgeous woman hovers in the air in front of him. He is starting to pant. “I...I...you...” he stammers, unable to speak.
She smiles. Although the night was near pitch black, he felt as though the sun had shone down on him. Suddenly, she glances up at the floating car dealership. The whole thing is crumbling, at an alarming rate. It could come apart at any minute.
Without a word, Sa'tha presses her arms up. Grady's Autos sails in a graceful arc over the horizon. Wow, that was fun. She thinks. She floats over to Steve, who is now rubbing at his crotch. He can only stand and ogle her. “Well. That's everything.” she says coolly. “You have money, and revenge on those who harmed you. Now what do you do?“ she asks. He doesn't stop staring at her unbelievable chest.
“Huh...Oh! Listen, Samantha... would you come back to my house with me, there's something I need to show you.” he says, his hand still not leaving his pants. “What is it?” she asks, curious. “I'll show you when we get there.” he says teasingly. “Alright.” she agrees, and flies them back to the house.
The next morning, Steve is awakened by sunlight streaming through the hole in the roof. “Ugh, turn that off.” he groans, raising a hand to shield his eyes. “I am never...drinking....again...” he moans, sitting up on the bed. Rather, he tries to sit up. When he throws his legs over the edge they immediately hit the floor, leaving him in a half crouch.
“Huh, wazzat....what 'appened to the bed?” he opens his eyes a little, and sees that the wooden legs of his bed have splintered, leaving the mattress on the floor. “Ah, crap.” he groans, getting to his feet. Still shielding his eyes, he looks around the room.
“Agh!” he exclaims, “Why does my pelvis feel like its been hit by a steamroller... damn, what did I do last night?” he asks himself.
“You do not remember?” says a soft, feminine voice behind him. He looks around at the naked, red haired woman on his bed and asks “Who are you?”
“I am still Samantha, same as last night. Do you truly not remember?” she asks, slightly hurt.
“Course not, I was drunk as a skunk.” suddenly, he looks at her more intently. “Did we um... do anything... last night?”
“Oh yes.” she says enthusiastically. He grins back at her and asks, “Like what?”, in a much deeper voice than normal. “Well, we left the bar, and took those bags from the bank vault...” she proceeds to recount the details of their evening. Steve's face steadily drops, eventually sinking into an expression of sheer horror.
“Then we came back here.” she finishes. “You know, there's something I need to ask you.. How does a culture based on theft, violence and sex survive as long as this one has?“ By now, Steve's face looks like someone just told him his pants are on fire. His mind is going a mile a minute. Someone had to have seen what they got up to! “Oh man, I am so screwed...”
“What is the matter?”
“I... I shouldn't have asked you to do all that... I really shouldn't have...” Sa'tha moved up to him, and places a comforting hand on his chest as she coos “Why not, your 'super woman' enjoyed every 'moment' of it. And she really hopes that you have more for her to do.”, gazing up into his eyes.
Steve looks down at her, and feels his worries melt away. “Maybe this won't be so bad after all.” he sighs, pulling her in to him.