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Make-believe News

Written by Newshound :: [Monday, 23 January 2006 13:52] Last updated by :: [Wednesday, 03 April 2013 15:12]

Make-believe News


by Newshound



The following is a make believe news report.


New York (AP)


Tennis star Jennifer Capriati became the first person to hit a ball out of venerable Yankee Stadium yesterday while taking part in a celebrity pro-am softball game for charity. The superstar athlete accomplished the amazing feat not just once but, eleven times.


The unprecedented display of power came during batting practice for the event. Miss Capriati stepped to the plate and immediately sent the first pitch she saw into the upper deck in left field as the crowd broke into a cheer. No one suspected that was just the beginning. On third pitch she saw, she stepped into the ball and proceeded to send it up and over the left field roof, the first time that feat had ever been accomplished in the 83 year history of the fabled venue.


Capriati was just getting warmed up though. She continued to pound prodigious blasts that were truly monumental with huge arching trajectories. Even the professional baseball players in the dugouts were standing on the top step and cheering with every blast. By the time she had finished, the superstar had sent 11 balls out of the park, including a string of 4 in a row. One of the amazing blasts traveled an estimated 635 feet from home plate. This reporter noted that the ball was still climbing upwards as it went over the roof and out of the park. As Capriati left the field, she was mobbed by players and fans, giving high fives to all around.


Afterward, Miss Capriati was typically modest about her accomplishment."I really wasn't trying to kill the ball", she explained."I was just trying to make good contact and not look too foolish. I didn't know that its never been done before. I thought they did it all the time." Asked if she had become tired near the end of her power display, the star laughed,"Well I was worried they were going to run out of balls so I thought I'd better quit."


Unconfirmed reports out of the Yankees organization is that owner George Steinbrenner is seeking to offer a signing contract.





Tazzie Colomb Dominates Charity Football Event


Dallas (AP)


Champion bodybuilder and strongwoman competitor Tazzie Colomb scored a resounding victory yesterday at the Cotton Bowl, totally dominating a team of college All-Americans during a charity football game for victims of Hurricane Katrina. Against a team of some of the best players in the nation, the Louisiana native proved to be unstoppable en-route to a lopsided 93-0 victory.


Organizers had hoped that the team of All-Americans would be able to offer stiff resistance for the strongwoman but, those hopes were dashed by an incredible display of power and speed."We tried

everything we could think of", said head coach Joe Rawlings."She was just too much. I admire her a great deal. My hat's off to her. She's a heck of an athlete."


The tone of the event was set from the opening kick off. Hoping to get on the scoreboard early, the All-Stars elected to receive. The 6'6", 270 pound Miss Colomb, dressed in tight fitting gym shorts and a cropped tank top that exposed her impressive arms and tanned legs, boomed a kick that sent the ball completely over the end zone scoreboard and out of the stadium, to the raucous cheers of the fans.


Lining up against the impressive beauty, the All-Stars had their work cut out for them. In spite of having 5 linemen lined up against her, Colomb blasted through them with little resistance and into the backfield, sending the 300 pound linemen onto their backs. She reached the quarterback Josh Lambert just as he was handing off to Heismann Trophy winner Jeremy Burkett, sacking both of them for a 15 yard loss. On the ensuing play, she again broke through the line with ease and sacked the scrambling Lambert in the end zone for a touchback and a 2-0 lead.


On the following kick off to Miss Colomb, the event started to take on the appearance of a route as, the beautiful juggernaut fielded the kick off cleanly and then proceeded to return it 77 yards straight down the middle of the field, breaking tackles with impunity for an impressive touchdown and a quick 9-0 lead.


The game quickly turned into a route with Colomb seemingly being able to do as she pleased in spite of the All-Stars numerical superiority. By halftime, the muscle girl held a 37-0 lead.


On offense, the powerful Colomb would plow straight ahead, tossing aside huge linemen as if they were pre-schoolers. Linebackers didn't fare much better. Attempts at open field tackling left a trail of downed players in her wake or players futilely hanging on and being dragged behind her. On one play, Miss Colomb had broken free along the sidelines with a clear path to the end zone but, rather than break into a sprint, she seemed to slow up to allow the defenders another chance to tackle her. She turned back towards the defenders with a mischievous smile. She clearly seemed to be enjoying herself. When 3 defenders caught up and tackled her, she simply pranced into the end zone at a trot, carrying and dragging the 3 defenders with her.


As powerful as Colomb was on offense, she was even more ferocious in her defensive play. The offensive linemen proved to be unable to provide any sort of protection for Lambert.


"She was killing us" said offensive tackle Jeff Simpson."We just couldn't stop her. It was like trying to tackle a bus. If you tried tackling her legs, you'd get churned up. If you tried tackling her upper body, she'd just throw you off. I've never seen anyone that strong. I'm just glad we don't have to play her every week", he added.


Time and time again she would plow through the linemen and sack the quarterback. The All-Stars did gain some yardage later in the game when Miss Colomb seemed to back off but these were only short yardage gains. Lambert seemed to get flustered by the amazon's lightning quick rushes and failed to get off many passes. On the few passes that he managed to complete, the Louisiana lass was upon the receiver in seconds. Most of his passes were hurried and fluttered for incompletions.


The score would have been even more lopsided if Miss Colomb hadn't run out of bounds several times, apparently in an effort to keep from running up the score. Other times with 5 or 6 players slowing her forward progress, she would drop to one knee, ending the play. The crowd loved every minute of the spectacle, clearly cheering for the mighty amazon throughout the game.


After the game, the All-Americans were in awe of their opponent. Nose tackle Chris Robertson of Ohio State said,"I thought we were ready for this game. I was sure we could stop her. She kicked our butts. No two ways about it. We got man-handled. When you weigh 295 pounds like I do, you're not used to getting tossed aside like a sack of potatoes. I'm pretty beat up right now. It was pretty humbling to get beat by a girl". Asked if he thought NFL players might be able to stop her, he said,"I don't know. I doubt it. I doubt we could stop her even if we had extra players on the field. She's just too strong."


In spite of the lopsided score, event organizers deemed the fund raising event a success. "We were hoping the best players in the country would be a match for Tazzie but she just proved to be too strong" said John Parker, head of the charity event."She's an amazing young woman, isn't she?"


"I'd like to thank the organizers for producing such a worthy event" said Miss Colomb."I hope the funds we raised help out a lot of needy folks. I'd like to thank all the players for coming here and playing me. They were great. I'm sorry about the score!" she laughed. "I can't help it! Once I get on the field and hear the crowd cheering, I get so excited and the adrenaline takes over! I had a blast! I hope we can do it again next year!


Organizers said they would study the possibility of drafting NFL stars to play next year.


Final stats:




T. Colomb – 739 yards, 42 carries, 9 TD


All Stars

  • J. Burkett – 13 yards, 21 carries, 0 TD
  • L. Carlton – 7 yards, 5 carries, 0 TD
  • K. Mosser – -3 yards, 3 carries, 0 TD




T. Colomb – 0 Comp, 0 Att, 0 yards, 0 TD


J. Lambert – 5 Comp, 26 Att, 37 yards, 0 TD

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