Written by d_k_c :: [Wednesday, 01 August 2018 03:50] Last updated by :: [Monday, 06 August 2018 15:35]
*Authors note – This story is a continuation of 2001’s The Tick. I found it rotting away on an old hard drive, thought I’d polish it up and publish. If you are not familiar with the series, you’re not going to like this story. If you are familiar with the show and enjoyed it, this short story may be passable. Enjoy
“I am the wild blue yonder. The front line in a never-ending battle between good and not-so-good. Together with my stalwart sidekick, Arthur, and the magnanimous help of some other folks I know, we form the yin to villany's malevolent yang. Destiny has chosen us. Wicked men, you face The Tick.”
At a packed superhero diner four friends sat in their regular booth, the Tick listened intently to Captain Liberty’s story.
“And then, right before he detonates the bomb.” Captain Liberty was about to get to the finale of her story when she realized that only the Tick was paying attention “Guys! I was telling a story!?”
“And what a story!” The Tick added with child like enthusiasm. “I especially liked the part when the waitress asks the villain if she’d like to top off her coffee, and the Villain says. No! Can’t you see I’m in the middle of telling a story!”
Captain Liberty looked at the Tick with annoyance as Arthur gave the Tick an elbow.
“I think she’s looking at you Tick!” Arthur stated with excitement
Batmanuel scrunched his face, clearly irritated by Arthur conclusion. “Don’t be ridiculous, why would she be looking at the Tick when she could be looking at the Batmanuel?”
“Oh God!” Captain Liberty said as she rolled her eyes as she saw what was distracting the guys. “Why is she even here? She doesn’t even have superpowers.”
The Tick leaned over and made eye contact with the woman. She was sitting at the bar, and wearing an outfit not dissimilar to what the Tick was wearing. It was a blue outfit which hugged every curve of her fit body, but instead of the tight cowl that hugged the Tick’s face with tentacles on it’s head, she simply sported a high collar and some aviator sunglasses which rested on top of her head. She smiled brightly at the Tick.
The Tick gave her a strange look as he raised his eyebrows in curiosity, “What kind of person wears a costume, but has no superpowers?”
“Good question Tick.” Captain Liberty stated while looking annoyed at Batmanuel and Arthur.
Batmanuel smiled at the woman, and then waved, but her eyes didn’t deviate from the Tick. He began leaning over the table so that their eyes would eventually meet.
“Would you stop!” Captain Liberty yelled at Batmanuel as he leaned nearly across the entire table.
Batmanuel sat back down, “Batmanuel has heard of her condition before, it’s called Strabismus. It’s when someone is talking to you and you look like a damn fool because you’re too stupid to look directly into the eyes of the person who is talking to you.”.
Captain Liberty thought for a moment “Well, not quite.”
“Don’t tell Batmanuel not quite. Batmanuel’s own mother suffered the affliction.”
Arthur quickly looked down at the menu, “Don’t look she’s coming!.She’s coming!… Oh my God she’s coming!”
“Hi, my names Tessa, I’m a huge fan, do you mind if I join you?” Tessa was a tall and fit woman, the tight blue costume she wore painted her curves like a piece of art. She had the body of a dancer, shapely legs and large rounded breasts highlighted by firm nipples that only gave credence to the phrase, and the cherries on top. Her hair was bright red but very short, it was cut higher up top and extremely short in the back. Her smile was wicked and her lips luscious as she coyly smiled showing off her pearly white teeth.
“Mind?” Batmanuel asked, “Batmanuel practically insists.” Batmanuel shuffled over and squeezed in on Captain Liberty to provide more room, gaining an annoyed look from Captain Liberty.
“I know that you Superheroes have big things to discuss.” Tessa began as she sat down.
Batmanuel nodded approvingly to the statement as he looked at her breasts “Yes in fact, that’s precisely what we were about to discuss.”
Tessa smiled uncomfortably as Batmanuel did not hide the fact that he was staring at her. “Anyways…I’d just like to give you my card. I’m a massage therapist, and it would be an honour if I could give you Tick, a massage.”. Tessa stared at the Tick, but the Tick stared obliviously out the window. “Free of charge… of course.”.
Tessa stood up and left, drawing the eyes of Batmanuel and Arthur as they looked at her rounded back side.
“Tick! What’s wrong with you? She was all over you!” Arthur asserted.
“Lets not judge the man too quickly… perhaps he already has a love in his life?” Batmanuel presupposed.
“What? No. I can assure you, if the Tick was dating someone. I’d know about it.”
“Oh?” Batmanuel questioned. “Perhaps someone who wears white tights and has a pair of bunny ears… Walks like a homosexual?… No?”
Arthur clued in to what Batmanuel was implying “Oh God No!...and I don’t walk like a homosexual!”
Captain Liberty tilted her hand back and forth, “Mmmm.”.
Arthur shook his head and looked at the Tick, “Tick! the most beautiful girl in the world just hit on you, and you ignored her completely… Do you not like women?”
“Arthur, I already have 3 mistresses in my life.” The Tick stated confidently.
“Their names are tyranny, evil and wickedness and they consume all my time with their constant need for my devotion. Evil never sleeps! tyranny is a harsh mistress! and wickedness demands my swift justice!” the Tick stated proudly.
Arthur rolled his eyes.
Batmanuel thought for a moment, “Ohhh! You were being metaphorical. Batmanuel’s head was in a different place.”.
Captain Liberty squinted her eyes as she gave it some moments thought, “I’m trying to determine if you actually think those three negative connotations would somehow all be associated with a female?”
Batmanuel gave Captain Liberty a bizarre look “What are you talking about? Are you suggesting a man can’t be a mistress? A man can have a male Mistress.”
“Batmanuel.” Captain liberty stated firmly, “You can not be a male mistress!”
“Well then what else would you call him?… Mister S?”
“HA! Good one!” The Tick stated as he extended his hand for a high five.”
“Okay! Out of the booth! I’m out of here.” Captain Liberty stated clearly irritated.
Arthur grabbed the card “You know what, we are calling her over to our place… And you are getting that massage!”
“And Batmanuel will watch, perhaps substitute if somebody gets tired.”
“Tick! What are you doing, Tessa is going to be here at any moment.” Arthur said panicked as he began cleaning the loft as fast as he could.
“I don’t know about this chum… This reminds me of the time I was made a ham sandwich so picture-perfect, so ravishing that I couldn’t bring myself to eat it. Just by looking at it, it would quench my deprivation. Then one day, I fell asleep and I awoke to find it squished between myself and the street I was sleeping on. I couldn’t bring myself to look at it, it was hideous. I eventually told it that I was going out to fight crime, and I left it there… And never came back..” The Tick paused for a moment clearly upset with himself and then he broke down. “Oh sweet merciful culpability, how you punish me so!” The tick covered his hand with his face in regret.
Arthur looked at the Tick in shock from the nonsense he just heard, but understood the root of what the Tick was trying to say. “Tick, relax, just do exactly what she says. She’ll be fine… I think.”
“I don’t know chum! I feel like I’m being pressured into this!”
“Tick! Talk with her, let her give you a massage… If you don’t like her, don’t do anything.”
There was a knock at the door, “Oh crap! She’s here. Tick! Are you ready?” Arthur opened the door, but it was Batmanuel.
“What did Batmanuel miss?”
“Oh Jesus! Batmanuel! She’s not even here yet. And you can’t be here when she arrives so….” Arthur began closing the door, but Batmanuel entered the loft anyways and hurried over to the Tick.
“No no no, look at him, he looks like he spent the last hour reminiscing over a lost love.”
“Yeah… We’re not going to talk about that.” There was another knock at the door. Arthur eyes lit up. “Crap! She’s here!”
“Wait! Batmanuel must find his perfect pose.” Batmanuel began to alternate into different and ridiculous poses and positions but had difficulty settling on the one he liked the most.
Arthur shook his head and then opened the door. Tessa was taller than him, and very fit. She reminded him of a youthful Sgt. Callahan from Police academy. She was wearing tight white jeans and a black halter top. She was carrying a large metal case. She looked fantastic and smelled so sweet.
“Hi Arthur.” She greeted. She looked at Batmanuel curiously. “Why is he reading the dictionary?”
“Oh… ummm… I was just teaching him how to read before you got here. Please, let me take your case.”
“Thanks Arthur! Could you put it in the Tick’s room?”
Arthur complied as Batmanuel verified that he indeed was reading a dictionary, he put down the book and looked at Tessa awkwardly “Just so you know, Batmanuel does know how to read. But Batmanuel strives on a daily basis to improve his vocabulary by finding different vernaculars.”
Tessa nodded, “Umm okay.”. Tessa then sat down next to the Tick. “Hi Tick! How are you?”
“Good…Or so I’ve been told.”
“Thanks again for allowing me to give you a massage, I’m your biggest fan.”
“I look forward to getting your massage, but you’ll have to translate it for me… I don’t speak French.”
Tessa began laughing, “Oh my God you’re so funny! But don’t worry, all you’ll have to do is lay back and relax. I’ll take care of everything.”
Arthur came into the room, “I put your case in the first room to the left.”.
“Thanks Arthur.” Tessa stated politely. She guided Tick to his feet and began rubbing his back. “Ooo I can feel how tense you are!” they entered the room and closed the door.
Batmanuel stared angrily at Arthur “What kind of an imbecile has a dictionary on their book shelf? And who is she to judge what Batmanuel reads!”
Early the next morning the Tick entered the living room and sat down on the recliner as Batmanuel and Arthur slept on the couch.
Arthur opened his eyes, clearly tired but eager to find out what happened “Tick, How are you? How’d it go?”
Batmanuel opened his eyes in a panicked state, “NO! CAPTAIN LIBERTY DON’T!....Oh, it’s you… Batmanuel has just awoken from a positively fantastic dream.”.
Arthur turned his attention back to the Tick “So how did it go?”
“I’m not sure.” The Tick replied
“You’re not sure?” Arthur asked curiously “But Tick, you were in there all night…” Arthur paused for a moment “Oh God Tick! We don’t have a ham sandwich situation… Do we?”
Batmanuel interjected “That reference both frightens and intrigues Batmanuel… But please continue.”
“I did what you told me to chum. I did exactly what she told me to do. We talked for awhile. She seems really nice. Then she told me to lie back and then she pulled out this pink rod and told me to put in my mouth.”
Arthur had a horrified look on his face.
“Batmanuel does not like where this story is heading.”
The Tick continued, “She told me to close my eyes, I remember the bed shaking and then a salty taste in my mouth.”
Batmanuel leaned over the couch and made as if he was going to throw up, “UGH! UGGGGH!..No more! Batmanuel can handle no more!”
The Tick continued, “That lasted for nearly an hour.”
“And then we talked for the rest of the night. She really seems like fantastic woman!”
Batmanuel collected himself, “Tick… I’m sorry that Batmanuel has to break it to you… But that was no woman.”
Arthur thought for a moment. “Tick, when you say Pink rod, what exactly do you mean?”
“Exactly that Chum, she pulled the rod out from the case she had brought in. It was connected to some wires and other gadgets. But I closed my eyes for the rest.”
While Arthur had a look of concern, Batmanuel showed signs of extreme relief. “Thank God! and sorry that Batmanuel’s mind went to some unmentionable places.” Batmanuel leaned across the couch and then slapped the Tick playfully on the shoulder.
“OWWW!” The Tick yelled out.
Arthur’s eyes widened with concern, “Tick that shouldn’t have hurt you.”
“Well It DID!” The Tick stated angrily. “Who bestowed you with Zeus’s mighty arm of justice?
Tessa entered the room, “Arthur do you know how to make pancakes? I’d kill for some pancakes right now.” Tessa looked over at the Tick who was rubbing his shoulder, “Aww Tick what’s wrong?”
“Batmanuel hit me!”
Tessa looked at Batmanuel with irritation, “Is this true Batmanuel?”
Captain Liberty walked into the apartment clearly annoyed, “What’s going on? I’ve been calling and buzzing the apartment all day.”
“Oh Just cleaning the house. Sometimes when you have guests over it’s important to clean the house. Some guests are overly particular about cleanliness.” Arthur stated in a nervous tone.
Captain Liberty looked at Arthur with a curious expression. “Are you cleaning for that girl Tessa? Well here’s an interesting tidbit, she’s wanted by Interpol.”
“Oh?” Arthur stated nervously.
“Apparently she tried to steal Champions powers..” Captain Liberty looked at Arthur as he clenched his teeth and tilted his head towards the bedroom. “Why are you doing that? You know who Champion is right, Misogynistic coward that won’t let minorities into the League?” Captain Liberty continued to stare at Arthur who continued to make a ridiculous face. “How do you not know who Champion is? Fly’s around in a white suit, heat vision, super speed….”
“I think Arthur is trying to signal to you that I’m already here.” Tessa stated as she was leaning back against a wall wearing the tight blue Tick like costume. “Isn’t that right Arthur?”
Arthur swallowed nervously, “No…I mean sort of… I mean…Can I get you a drink Mightessa?”
“Mightessa?” Captain Liberty asked.
Batmanuel opened the door to the loft, “Apologies Mightessa, I’ve made sure I bought all the right groceries this time..”
“What the hell?” Captain Liberty stated.
Tessa began to explain, “So when you say I’m wanted by Interpol for trying to steal Champions powers. The story is, I did replicate Champions powers, but I had no idea that he wasn’t human. And well, his powers in me? In a mere human! were sort of lame. I mean I could run faster, lift some decent weight. I could even heat up my coffee if I stared at it long enough. But what I needed was raw power, from someone from earth. Who shared similar DNA. I thought what if I had the Tick’s raw strength. Imagine how much that would amplify Champions powers within me?” Tessa looked over at Batmanuel who was still standing at the door. “Put the groceries on the table and get down on all fours by the couch, I might require a foot rest later today.”.
Batmanuel did as instructed.
“As you can see, it didn’t take long to earn some respect. God I am so powerful now.” Tessa stated as she ran her hands down her body. “Hmm, I can’t help but wonder what the difference between a God and myself actually is.”
Captain Liberty stared at Tessa angrily, “You’re no God. You may have them scared, but you can’t scare me!” Captain Liberty lifted her torch. Opened it and began inputting information. “I’ve inputted your coordinates, and satellites around the earth are triangulating on your position. As soon as I want I could literally fry you to a crisp.”
Tessa smiled as her eyes slightly squinted, “What a coincidence, I can say the same.”
Captain Liberty positioned herself into a fighting stance, her bracelets and tiara glowed and when she tightened her fists steam began to emanate from them.
“Oh my god, I’m not going to fight you. We are on the same side!” Tessa declared
“We are not on the same side! You’re a thief! You are wanted by Interpol! And one way or another you are coming with me!”
Tessa rolled her eyes and walked over to the sofa where Batmanuel was kneeling, she sat down, she then rested her long legs on his back, “Look, I don’t want the Tick to get hurt. He’s already traumatized from when he stubbed his toe earlier today. How about I meet you outside in 30 minutes.”
“30 minutes! Otherwise I’m coming back in here.”
“Yes yes, I’ll be there.” Tessa stated in a disinterested tone.
Captain Liberty left the loft, “Arthur! My orange juice.” Tessa ordered.
“Yes of course Mightessa.” Arthur said and hurried over to the fridge and then back to her.
“Thank you, Arthur. You really are a fantastic side kick.”
Although Tessa’s legs were long thin and shapely, Batmanuel was struggling to hold them up. “If Batmanuel can be so bold as to suggest a different…”
“What did we say about talking?” Mightessa warned.
Mightessa walked out of the apartment building and onto the street. The people had already been cleared out and although it looked empty, her super senses told her otherwise. There were 3 snipers on the roof tops who trained their weapons on her. A task force hiding behind a nearby building and several of personnel in van monitoring the situation. She was not concerned.
“Mightessa – You are under arrest!” Captain Liberty stated. “Under subsection 21c of the heroes act I am formerly placing you under arrest.
“First of all, I haven’t done anything illegal. Second of all – I’m quite certain that there’s not a jail on the planet that could hold me. And lastly, I don’t want to be enemies.”
“You can tell it to the judge.” Captain Liberty said with confidence as she approached Mightessa.
“I don’t think so.” Mightessa casually replied before puckering her lips and blowing.
Captain Liberty came to a stand still as she had difficulty pushing her way through the winds. She leaned forward and her feet began to slide backwards. Finally, a parked car behind her lifted off the ground and flipped down the street. The winds subsided, and Captain Liberty looked at the destroyed vehicle and some shattered glass behind her. “Now you are under arrest for mischief.”. Captain Liberty stated just before she attacked.
Mightessa dodged her punch. “Wow your fast!” Mightessa complimented before dodging her kick and a spinning elbow. Finally, Mightessa let the Captain hit her. It was a straight-armed punch square to the face. Mightessa wiggled her nose like Samantha from bewitched acknowledging that the punch was probably strong enough to go through a human skull but had hardly any effect on her.
Captain Liberty’s fist loosened after the hit. She felt as though she just punched a giant diamond. She backed away from Mightessa and shook her hand a few times “Now you are under arrest for resisting arrest. Come quietly or I’ll be forced to use deadly force.”.
“Oooo I can’t wait.”.
“This is your final warning!” Captain Liberty observed Mightessa’s bored eyes before giving the order. “Okay boys – take her out.”
The sniper’s shots rang out, and the bullets arrived immediately. The blue steely fabric around Mightessa’s breasts dimpled before the bullet simply rebounded off her. The second third and fourth bullets did the exact same. In fact, every bullet shot hit her breasts.
“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Cease fire!” Captain Liberty ordered. She stormed over to Mightessa and stood practically next to her as she addressed her team “Your all professionals, you can shoot a squirrel a mile away and your telling me all of you just happen to have shot her breasts !?”
Mightessa looked at Captain Liberty sympathetically. “It’s really okay, I didn’t mind.”
“No! It’s not okay!” Captain Liberty countered “Here you are, clearly a formidable advisory. Potentially a threat to the world and my team is treating you like a sexual object… You Should all be ashamed Of yourselves!” Captain Liberty looked at Mightessa “I really am sorry for this.”
“It’s fine. Really. I mean they are hard to miss.”
“No don’t even make excuses for them. Completely unacceptable behavior!”
“Maybe if I turned around and we did it again?”
“Could you? I mean obviously the bullets don’t have an effect on you, but I think its more the principal of the thing now.”
Mightessa turned around and as she did so a single shot rang out. The bullet wedged itself into the crack of Mightessa's ass.
“OH that is it!” Captain Liberty raged “I know that was you Steve!” Captain Liberty shouted at the roof top.
Mightessa turned back around pulling the deformed bullet out of the tight crevice it tried to burrow through. “I have to admit that was a bit demeaning. I hope that employee will be reprimanded.”
“Oh he’ll be reprimanded alright! I‘m going to reprimand him right in the face. So where were we?”
“I believe you were using deadly force on me.”
“Right.” Captain Liberties torch began to glow and beep “Shit!” Captain Liberty looked down at her torch.
“What is it?” Mightessa asked
“The horror has been spotted at the East Bay, they’re going to need my help.”.
“Let me come. I could help.”
“You are wanted by Interpol, and not to mention several other charges.”.
“Let me help you fight the Horror. And afterwards I’ll answer to my charges.”
“Well…I suppose someone who’s bullet proof and can blow a hurricane from her mouth might be useful. I guess you can come. But then you turn yourself in.”.
“Mightessa!” Batmanuel called from the apartment above. “Mightessa!” He called out again waiting to be acknowledged. “Batmanuel has realized he has purchased white bread instead of the whole wheat that you requested. Batmanuel should be punished.”
Mightessa and Captain Liberty looked up at him with disappointment. “Are you guys together?” Mightessa asked Captain Liberty.
“It’s complicated.” Captain Liberty replied.
“Perhaps a spanking would be appropriate!” Batmanuel added.
Mightessa furrowed her brow and looked at Captain Liberty “Really? This guy?”
Captain Liberty looked up in dismay, “He’s an acquired taste.”
The next morning Batmanuel, Arthur and the Tick listened intently to Captain Liberty’s story at the coffee shop. “I’m telling you guys, not only did Mightessa not have any issue with the Horror’s death ray. She beat him with ease and had him begging for mercy. Afterwards, we got talking and she thinks we should start our own league. A women’s only league. Isn’t that great!?”
Arthur looked at Captain Liberty curiously, “I read that she threw his minions into outer space and then incinerated the Horror with her heat vision as he begged for mercy.”
Captain Liberty rolled her eyes, “Well of course the media is going to report it like that, since when has the media ever complimented a strong woman.”.
“No but, she used her heat vision to kill someone who had surrendered to her. You don’t think that’s homicide? You’re okay with this?”
Captain Liberty looked at Arthur with annoyance. “Of course a man would say it like that, but whenever a man kills another person it’s self defense, or some twisted form of justice, but the one time a woman does it! Stop the presses! A girl just used her ocular vision to incinerate somebody! Whoopty doo!”
“Yeah Arthur, why do you have to be such a buzz kill.” Batmanuel interjected. “Batmanuel would like to offer his management services for this league. Perhaps Batmanuel could develop the costumes for the ladies. Perhaps supervise, train and provide inter courses?”
The Tick thought intently before adding his thoughts. “I’m still trying to understand the Massage she tried to give me. Was it a warning? Was she trying to tell me that the world would be infused with superpowers and that caution was the order of the day. I for one owe her a great deal of gratitude.”.
Captain Liberty side stepped the Tick’s reflection. “Oh – that reminds me. Is Tick back to his normal self? Mightessa told me that the Tick would only powerless for less than 24 hours.”.
Arthur grabbed a knife and stabbed the Tick’s hand as his eyes reflected elsewhere. The Tick didn’t even notice as he continued looking aimlessly into the distance. “I’d say so.”
“You know Mightessa thinks the Tick is really cute, wanted to know if he’d be interested in meeting up with her.”
“Wait! The Tick is cute?” Batmanuel said in shock. “What is it because of the blue suit? Batmanuel could wear the blue suit if that’s what it takes.”
“Friends.” The Tick declared, “justice dressed me this morning but evil tried to take off my pants. Like any whore it’s fun to be with, until you find yourself relentlessly scratching an itch. And that itch is Righteousness! and every time you scratch it… it feels good.”
There was a pause and a moment of puzzled reflection among the group before Batmanuel interrupted it. “Batmanuel got the perfect name for your super group! Busty avengers!… or umm Super Erotica! Or umm… Batmanuel Batmanuella’s..”