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Two sides to every story - The Dazzling Diamond

17 Mar 2019 22:33 #63260 by conceptfan
Replied by conceptfan on topic Two sides to every story - The Dazzling Diamond
A giant leap in the right direction.  Much more involving; the action felt much more real, and the characters less two-dimensional.

A really great story idea, too.

The rhythm of your text is miles better now with the extra descriptive wordage.  It's much easier to read.  I enjoyed the results of the work you've put in to steer clear of expositional dialogue.

I'd love to see even more scenery-painting/stage-setting.

If I had to thumb-down one thing about Two Sides I'd pick on the last line,  I agree with Shadar that the final paragraph does more harm than good.  Your readers are clever enough to work it out themselves ;-)

If you asked for a tip, I'd say English has a vast vocabulary (100,000+ words compared to around 30,000-40,000 in many other major world languages) which implies that there's usually two or more different words for most concepts.  In writing, it often feels clunky when a word is repeated in a paragraph, unless that repetition is carefully used as a deliberate echo.

Thanks for the story.  Looking forward to the next one.
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18 Mar 2019 11:49 #63265 by Woody
SPOILERS FOR DOZER BELOW - READ THE STORY FIRST IF YOU DON'T WANT THE ENDING SPOILT

Thank you for the positive feedback on Dozer. In my mind she is an easier character to write than both DD and the Asimus Avenger. I need to rework both these characters a bit, They work as a duo part part two of Reality Check is going to focus more on Cassandras point of view.

On the subject to the reveal paragraph at the end I take your points on board and thank you. In my mind I felt I needed to convey that Julie doesn't know she's Dozer.

By the end you probably have worked out Julie and Dozer are the same person. (if not I hope you liked the twist). If you then reread it with that information the whole fan aspect feels a bit naff.and conveys Julie as a sociopath. She literally surrounds herself with her super alter ego.when she's not Dozer. 

That's why I revealed she doesn't know she's Dozer, In my mind it gave integrity to Julie as a character in her own right and not just an alter ego which both Stacey and Heather have fallen subject to 

As always I hope you like the stories and any feedback both positive and negative is always welcome

Thanks to Dru I have a genesis for Dozers second story and like I said part two of reality check is in the works. 

Cheers
Woody
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