Two sides to every story - The Dazzling Diamond

17 Mar 2019 22:33 #63260 by conceptfan
Replied by conceptfan on topic Two sides to every story - The Dazzling Diamond
A giant leap in the right direction.  Much more involving; the action felt much more real, and the characters less two-dimensional.

A really great story idea, too.

The rhythm of your text is miles better now with the extra descriptive wordage.  It's much easier to read.  I enjoyed the results of the work you've put in to steer clear of expositional dialogue.

I'd love to see even more scenery-painting/stage-setting.

If I had to thumb-down one thing about Two Sides I'd pick on the last line,  I agree with Shadar that the final paragraph does more harm than good.  Your readers are clever enough to work it out themselves ;-)

If you asked for a tip, I'd say English has a vast vocabulary (100,000+ words compared to around 30,000-40,000 in many other major world languages) which implies that there's usually two or more different words for most concepts.  In writing, it often feels clunky when a word is repeated in a paragraph, unless that repetition is carefully used as a deliberate echo.

Thanks for the story.  Looking forward to the next one.
The following user(s) said Thank You: Woody

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18 Mar 2019 11:49 #63265 by Woody

Thank you for the positive feedback on Dozer. In my mind she is an easier character to write than both DD and the Asimus Avenger. I need to rework both these characters a bit, They work as a duo part part two of Reality Check is going to focus more on Cassandras point of view.

On the subject to the reveal paragraph at the end I take your points on board and thank you. In my mind I felt I needed to convey that Julie doesn't know she's Dozer.

By the end you probably have worked out Julie and Dozer are the same person. (if not I hope you liked the twist). If you then reread it with that information the whole fan aspect feels a bit naff.and conveys Julie as a sociopath. She literally surrounds herself with her super alter ego.when she's not Dozer. 

That's why I revealed she doesn't know she's Dozer, In my mind it gave integrity to Julie as a character in her own right and not just an alter ego which both Stacey and Heather have fallen subject to 

As always I hope you like the stories and any feedback both positive and negative is always welcome

Thanks to Dru I have a genesis for Dozers second story and like I said part two of reality check is in the works. 

The following user(s) said Thank You: Dru1076

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