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Fall 2012 workshop dissussion thread
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- fats
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- SHTL
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- Caylane
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- Dr. Muttonchops
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Caylane wrote: Just a quick question. Wasn't Cos-Play written on the forums? I haven't read it fully yet, only about 1/3rd but it all seems vaguely familiar so far.
You seem to have missed Anon's note at the top
Author's Note: this story was originally submitted to our forum in the New Authors section. I've had a plan to revise and improve it for a long time and I took the chance of this workshop to do it. While I'll keep the old version online, this one has to be considered the definitive version.
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- pansardum
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- SHTL
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I don't know if the cos-player in the picture inspired the character, but she fits Kristi to a T. (Do you happen to have any other pictures of her that you could post?)
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- argonaut
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drmuttonchops3 wrote: I feel the same way aboout Chapter One of Baker's Dozen. I could be mistaken, of course.
Nope -- no part of "Baker's Dozen" has appeared anywhere before today. But I think Chapter 1 was influenced by the opening of The Phantom Tollbooth, by Norton Juster -- still one of my all-time favorite books. Maybe that's why it seemed familiar?
And thanks for the props you gave my story. Glad you enjoyed it!
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- argonaut
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You're very welcome, buddy! Anytime! I wouldn't be surprised if there was a reference to your handle in my upcoming story..
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- Dr. Muttonchops
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It's absolutely amazing what a great image can do for my imagination. Such stories almost write themselves.
Sorry I don't have any more images of her... don't even remember where I came across. But I consider her the best cosplay portrayal of that period of Supgergirl's history that I've ever seen.
Shadar
argonaut wrote: I started with Shadar's story ("Heart of the Fantasy"). Well done! Kristi is a very appealing character and the range of emotions she goes through is convincingly portrayed.
I don't know if the cos-player in the picture inspired the character, but she fits Kristi to a T. (Do you happen to have any other pictures of her that you could post?)
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- shadar
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shadar wrote: The photo did indeed inspire the story... I was thumbing through picts, thinking of what kind of gift one could receive, and thinking about the idea of fate, which was on my mind for other reasons, and I came across her pict and suddenly the entire story was right there. I just had to write it down.
It's absolutely amazing what a great image can do for my imagination. Such stories almost write themselves.
Sorry I don't have any more images of her... don't even remember where I came across. But I consider her the best cosplay portrayal of that period of Supgergirl's history that I've ever seen.
Shadar
argonaut wrote: I started with Shadar's story ("Heart of the Fantasy"). Well done! Kristi is a very appealing character and the range of emotions she goes through is convincingly portrayed.
I don't know if the cos-player in the picture inspired the character, but she fits Kristi to a T. (Do you happen to have any other pictures of her that you could post?)
This seems to be her deviantart page twinklebatcosplay.deviantart.com/
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- pansardum
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Even more, it seems like the card is developing its own will. He didn't wish the librarian super, except perhaps in some unconscious way.
I see this plot getting wild and out of control down the road... and in a very good way.
Very nice start and good characterization, although the encounter with the two bullies was a bit cliche. But it all works and I'd love to read more.
Shadar
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shadar wrote: Its a classic yet strangely innovative approach to the concept of enhancement, and is particularly neat because its core theme is a retcon of reality with each wish. That could get very complicated pretty fast.
I know, I also liked that concept! Who knows what will happen next?
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- Dr. Muttonchops
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The story has many good points, and I'm not surprised it's a front-runner in the poll. It's a well-crafted tale with smooth prose (always a plus for me) and a clever and original plot device. (Original for our "genre," anyway.)
But the basic premise troubled me and left a bad aftertaste: I mean the violation of Amanda's personality as she changes from someone who condemns violence and the objectification of women to someone who relishes her voluptuous new body and exacts a sadistic (though arguably deserved) vengeance on her rapist. Was this the work of the "personality overlay"? It wasn't clear (to me, at least) whether the overlay failed or whether it happened so smoothly that Amanda wasn't aware of it.
Despite my reservations, I did enjoy the story, but it won't be getting my vote.
P.S. At first I thought the list of templates for the spare body was just too preposterous, but on second thought I figured that was because it had been drawn up by aliens, according to criteria that we'd find hard to comprehend.
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- argonaut
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Cos-Play: I loved the practicing signature poses it the mirror. I can totally see some fans doing just that and it sold the character for me. I also liked the swimmer legs description - it was spot on. I also liked the IM chat back and forth - that was a good concept for a story. Why the black SG costume?
Heart of Fantasy: I love stories that really explore what would happen to the "real" world if a super hero really suddenly appeared. I also liked the "true" heart concept. I think you would be lucky to find one. Nuclear disarmament is an interesting idea - SM4 kind of blew its chance to be "deep" with the idea. I'm not sure how I'd feel about a "stranger" disarming my nation. I'm not sure how governments/populations would react. It makes for great story options. Lots of responsibility for a 16 year old with a junker VW. I liked the "like scrolling in Google earth" commentary.
Healers:
The alien death and power transfer paragraph was very well written - I liked it. I also liked the idea of a fast healer seeing damage from a bullet in the first layer of skin and feeling the pain but it healing - great idea. I also loved the line "Someone who can help" when asked "who are you" that sums up heroes to me.
Spare Parts: The idea of re-inflating the truck cab with superbreath is perhaps the best use - or most creative use I've ever read. Well done! Vindictive toying with him like that. Wow.
Cindy's Transformation: In typical style I love your writing and the story is fun to read. I liked the stumbling - "looking at chest er "S" er..." I'm looking forward to the other 10 girls and what you might do with the librarian character. The transformation with the skirt and shirt changing for the first girl was also a great part.
Well done all - I'll have to re-read before I decide who to vote for. Not easy this time.
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- Random321
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Random321 wrote: Cos-Play: I loved the practicing signature poses it the mirror. I can totally see some fans doing just that and it sold the character for me. I also liked the swimmer legs description - it was spot on. I also liked the IM chat back and forth - that was a good concept for a story. Why the black SG costume?
To answer your question, the reason for the balck SG costume is twofold. First, I like the black and silver combination, I think it's very sleek and distinct appearence; second, I think that a "nerd virgin", like Sharon, would prefer black over primary colors, especially if looking for something sexy.
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- Woodclaw
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Random321 wrote: Twice The Fun: I loved the "shirt seams screaming in protest" description - well done. I also liked the entire frying pan use. So much in fact I'd love to lift that in the future for a video if okay. I'm not always a "growth" story fan but I liked this - even the black yoga pants - which I do seem to be seeing everywhere.
Nice to hear that you liked it, despite the "growth".
I realized as I wrote that growth isn't that big part of this site, but it was a story I had in my mind from before and decided to take the chance this workshop gave.
Regarding the yoga pants, their stretch might make them the only thing in her wardrobe that fitted
Really glad that you liked the frying pan display, even so much that you consider using it in a video. Of course you get my permission... you know, if you send me a copy
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- pansardum
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The issue of saving the world by ridding every country of their nukes will be fun to write. Even my own country. But the fallout is going to be extreme. Superman never did that in the comics, nor did any other character. The topic was off-limits for the Superman franchise.
I'm assuming her family has lived with a missile silo on their farm for decades. Its been deactivated of late, but it'll be interesting to hear what her parents and extended family think of disarming their country's nukes.
I suppose I should have her announce her intention at the Comicon and then the plot will focus on the panic that ensues on the part of the government and military. They'll bring out the big guns and try to stop her, and she's hardly experienced in the art of fighting. But... she's got all of Supergirl's powers (I'll try to stay with a 70's interpretation of those, which included some glitches), so they are going to have a lot of trouble slowing her down. Assuming they even can.
Her big problem is that people will quickly learn about her family (she registered with her real name at the Comicon), and she'll have to protect them. Who knows how far the military and government will go to protect their precious nukes.
Shadar
Random321 wrote:
Heart of Fantasy: I love stories that really explore what would happen to the "real" world if a super hero really suddenly appeared. I also liked the "true" heart concept. I think you would be lucky to find one. Nuclear disarmament is an interesting idea - SM4 kind of blew its chance to be "deep" with the idea. I'm not sure how I'd feel about a "stranger" disarming my nation. I'm not sure how governments/populations would react. It makes for great story options. Lots of responsibility for a 16 year old with a junker VW. I liked the "like scrolling in Google earth" commentary.
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I'll try to post feedback on the last two stories by the end of the week.
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- argonaut
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argonaut wrote: "Cos-Play" -- a sweet story and, like all the other entries I've read so far, well crafted and well written. I did feel as if many of the scenes ran along familiar lines (e.g. supergirl confronts mugger/rapist/lowlife) -- but that's what we go for here at SWM. I particularly liked the "girls' night out" scene, and wish you'd presented it at greater length and in more detail. Thanks for an enjoyable story.
I'll try to post feedback on the last two stories by the end of the week.
The girls' night out scene was my Waterloo. I tried to write it, but the results weren't particularly good. In general, the dialogue felt flat and I couldn't find an angle that worked, so I choose to leave it undescripted.
I know that many scenes are actually quite common (matter of fact one of my beta readers noticed that the dream sequence was very similar to scene from the Supergirl movie). To my defense I can only say that I wrote this a few years ago and it was actually one of my first attempts on the genre.
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- Woodclaw
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This workshop was a strange beast for me, often I found that there are 2-3 stories that simply stand out from the bunch, this time the choice was more complex. All the stories are pretty interesting (except perhaps mine, since I recycled an old concept), but all of them had some kind of sore spot for me. I hope nobody will get upset, I'm just trying to gave some constructive feedback here.
Baker's Dozen by Argonaut
Let's start with what looks like the most likely winner as of today. If I have to choose a word to describe Argo's story I think that "potential" is the best one. "Baker's Dozen" takes start with a good twist upon what perhaps is the not-so-secret desire of us all and start to explore. While the story is clearly unfinished and might have benefited from a bit more here and there, the foundations are dead solid and the narration flows pretty well.
I talked about it with Njae in the chat and we agreed that it would be a great base for an Interactive story.
Looking of the downside, I think that there are two sore points for me. The first is the feeling of "more to come", while not every workshop entry has to be totally self-contained, we can already see the set-up for something bigger -- at 3:20 PM -- and I really want to see more. The second is more simple stylistic choice: the retcon effect. While it makes for some amusing moments and streamline the narration, it also feel like a bit of a cheat.
A Healer's Origin by JKIJ
I have said it before and I stand by my idea that JKIJ has written some of my favorite stories over the last year. This story was one I was really looking forward to read. I think it's a good story, but it falls somewhat short in some places. The narration flows pretty well - despite some verbous bits here and there - and it works on simple, time-tested ideas. Unfortunalty, this is also one of the main weaknesses of this story - except for the final revelation of the friendship between Kevin and Simon - there was nothing unexpected, no spectacular twist, nothing that made me go "wow, I didn't see that one coming". The other sore point is that the characters feel somewhat unfinished, again the characterizations are dead solid, but also very cliches. They lack those little details that makes a character spark to life.
Overall a solid entry, but not the most memorable piece from an excellent writer.
Heart of the Fantasy by Shadar
Questioning Shadar's ability to write is beyond pointless (at least on this forum), still I was pretty disappointed by this entry. The story has several excellent elements: the main character has a very good definition and a rather believable personality (my judgement might be off here, since my sister once puleld a stunt similar to Kristi's), although given only through a few broad strokes; the main theme of nuclear disarmament is also interesting and address a rather problematic issue about superhumans; I also enjoyed the idea of comparing comic books to mythology, while it's not exactly new, it's always refreshing to see a take on it.
Even with all this good the story simply fails to deliver, we got very little action and nothing about what might comes next. As good as it was this story feels just like the chapter one of a longer narrative and it really need something more to shine.
Spare Parts by Circes Cup
Oh boy. This story was really a problem for me. On one hand it has a really interesting gimmick and I like how the characterization is progressively revealed and twisted. On the other, I can't help but really loath the characters, none of them is a person I would like to have sitting next to me ever. This caused an alienation effect that made the story less enjoyable to me.
I don't know if Circes was looking for a story with an unsymphatetic main character -- in which case I plaude the effort -- or if this was an unwanted side-effect.
Twice the Fun by Pansardum
[Beta Reader Alert]
Finally we got Pans first published story and I think it's an excellent first. Pans and I have discussed quite a bit about the differences in our writing style, so my judgement might be biased here. While muscle growth might not be everyone's cup of tea, I think that this story works extremely well. It's very compact and I like how a couple of scenes plays out, in particular Tara's revelation and the fact that she has issues about how she looks. It's a little touch, but adds a little peculiarity to the character. Aside from that the story is really kinky, but it doesn't overplay this element (something that many first time stories tend to).
On the downside, I had real problems following the narrative in some parts. Pans, I told you before, sometimes you tend to go overboard with elaborate sentences and some words you uses seem really out of context.
Well, this is all I can say for now, I haven't cast my vote, yet, but I hope to do it soon.
Happy writing everyone.
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- Woodclaw
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But I hadn't decided to write a story for the workshop (and don't want to recycle oldies) until a few days before the deadline, so I dashed this one off pretty quickly. It is truly more of an intro to a story and not the whole deal. Didn't expect to win, but figured it would be nice to add a a little something from a perspective that was on my mind after trying (and failing) to get tickets to the upcoming Emerald City Comicon.
As in, wouldn't it be cool if a cosplayer was actually selected to become super during the show. Especially the least experienced and likely youngest of the cosplayers.
Shadar
Anon wrote: Heart of the Fantasy by Shadar
Questioning Shadar's ability to write is beyond pointless (at least on this forum), still I was pretty disappointed by this entry. The story has several excellent elements: the main character has a very good definition and a rather believable personality (my judgement might be off here, since my sister once puleld a stunt similar to Kristi's), although given only through a few broad strokes; the main theme of nuclear disarmament is also interesting and address a rather problematic issue about superhumans; I also enjoyed the idea of comparing comic books to mythology, while it's not exactly new, it's always refreshing to see a take on it.
Even with all this good the story simply fails to deliver, we got very little action and nothing about what might comes next. As good as it was this story feels just like the chapter one of a longer narrative and it really need something more to shine.
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- shadar
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shadar wrote: Very fair criticism as far as my story goes. It was definitely way too short (not my usual problem!) and didn't get into the action, which will obviously be in the next installment.
But I hadn't decided to write a story for the workshop (and don't want to recycle oldies) until a few days before the deadline, so I dashed this one off pretty quickly. It is truly more of an intro to a story and not the whole deal. Didn't expect to win, but figured it would be nice to add a a little something from a perspective that was on my mind after trying (and failing) to get tickets to the upcoming Emerald City Comicon.
As in, wouldn't it be cool if a cosplayer was actually selected to become super during the show. Especially the least experienced and likely youngest of the cosplayers.
Shadar
I agree with all points. As I said the story is good, but it just fails to deliver in the end. A properly done next chapter would nail it.
I've tried to write something on the fly in the past, but had little success.
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- Woodclaw
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JKIJ, I enjoyed "Three Superwomen on Multiple Earths" (which I hope you continue) and your "Super Secret Agent" short, so I was looking forward to reading your workshop entry. Your prose could be tighter, and the dialogue was a little klunky in places, but the story moved right along and held my interest right up to the end.
What makes Sarah distinctive is that even though she has all of the "canonical" super-powers, she chooses to identify herself by her healing power. Her mission is to help the injured rather than beat up on bad guys. That's not surprising, inasmuch as she's a nurse -- which could lead to complications in the future. I doubt that she'd avoid using her healing ability while she's on the job in her everyday identity -- at least for patients who might die otherwise -- so if Simon starts checking ER statistics and notices an unusually high number of discharges during Sarah's shifts ...
This has all the ingredients of a promising series:
1. am appealing heroine
2. a down-to-earth confidante
3. a brilliant and ruthless arch-enemy
4. a boy-friend (whose personality is somewhat sketchy so far, although the fact that he's an old chum of Simon's could have interesting repercussions)
5. a weakness. (Suppose Simon learns that Sarah's strength and invulnrability begin to wane as she uses her healing power? It's not hard to imagine how he might exploit that.)
Between Kristi, Shane, and Sarah, this has been a great set of stories for "good" supergirl fans!
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- argonaut
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