New Short (Winter) Workshop is now on

I'm just glad I'm able to participate! ^_^

Alright, the workshop stories have been online for a bit now and it’s finally time for some feedback on them. Let’s start with a full disclosure: I was beta reader for “Fly me to honeymoon”, “A night to remember” and “How to fight sleep”.

April Fools
Pocketfull made his debut with this story and it sure has some nice ideas. Unfortunately I couldn’t really warm up with the whole “Written as a play” style. I think the story would work better with a bit more description. This would break the word limit, of course, but this is the big challenge on the short workshop: to make the scene small enough to fit into a thousand words. Anyway I wish you the best of luck and motivation so that this story won’t be your last one.

Fly me to honeymoon
With this story Anon did what he intended to do for a long time now: write a continuation of one of his own stories. Ironically the story resembles a real wedding I attended recently (jealous little sister, the phrase “you may now kiss the bride” wasn’t even started there…) minus the ubergirl parts of course. Funny how life imitates art sometimes. Now I’m really interested to see how the story continues from here and how the sister will fit into things later.

A night to remember
Pansardum really made a brave decision when he chose to write a story set in Anon’s Cosplay-verse not to mention with a very similar setting than Anon’s own story. Being a beta reader for both makes it even harder to compare these two. As strange as it sounds, the one part I liked most here was the fact that the costume wasn’t even put on completely. Given the circumstances this is only natural and that makes the story more believable.

How to fight sleep
Out of the three stories I beta read this might be the one where I’m most biased, but I’m still going to say that I enjoyed it. The reason for that is that in this story I see the personal connection to the author which isn’t too common in this genre. And with a normal woman transforming into a stunningly hot superwoman to boot – what more can you ask for?

A brief engagement
This story left me with mixed feelings. While I was happy for G7 to come back and participate, I also felt that this story wasn’t his best work recently. My main gripe here is Sophie’s behavior. It’s a bit too convenient that she sees through Nicks’ plan, especially since the latter has every reason to be scared knowing better than her what she’s capable off. For someone who just got engaged to him she clearly didn’t give him the slightest benefit of a doubt even when he assured her that she was never in danger. While breaking up the engagement and keeping the ring might be reasonable considering its possibilities, it looks like Sophie is both a hypocrite and a soon-to-be villainess (not to mention illogical) at the end of the story. Her actions could’ve clearly used some more explaining here.

Supers on a plane
This one is without a doubt the funniest story in this workshop. The phrase “Bloody hay fever season” pretty much made my day while the actual punch line came in a close second. I wonder if Stacy was meant as a reference to Jennifer from Yosh’s Serena stories or if them using the same superhero name was a mere coincidence.

I wanted to offer my two cents on two of the stories submitted for this workshop.

Supers on a Plane -- This was a fun read and certainly had a memorable sense of humor.   It was a great set-up for a larger story.   What happens when super-powers are inadvertently introduced into a marriage?  Does Karen conform to Stacy's principles and rules, or does she define the supergirl role in a different way?  And do we ever find out why Stacy was posing as a flight attendant to begin with?  Subsequent chapters would presumably address these questions.  But of course, with a thousand-word limit, we can't expect the author to answer them in his original submittal.  Hopefully, Caveman will follow up with additional chapters of this very good, fun story.

A Brief Engagement -- This is the story that got my vote.  As both njae and Anon pointed out, the story would have been stronger if the transition from adoring Nick to despising him had been less abrupt.  To make it less abrupt, I would suggest planting a seed of trouble at the outset of the story -- perhaps something about how Nick had lied to her about other matters previously.  But for me, this abruptness is a relatively minor flaw in an otherwise really good story.  Sophie is a real girl who experiences both adoration and betrayal, and I certainly find the presence of her dark side to be very believable.   Moreover, G7 does an excellent job of pointing out how Nick's seeming generosity was, in a way, very selfish.  The action in this story is good, and, by all appearances, it's about to get a whole lot better.   I hope G7 continues this one!

circes_cup wrote: I wanted to offer my two cents on two of the stories submitted for this workshop.

Supers on a Plane -- This was a fun read and certainly had a memorable sense of humor.   It was a great set-up for a larger story.   What happens when super-powers are inadvertently introduced into a marriage?  Does Karen conform to Stacy's principles and rules, or does she define the supergirl role in a different way?  And do we ever find out why Stacy was posing as a flight attendant to begin with?  Subsequent chapters would presumably address these questions.  But of course, with a thousand-word limit, we can't expect the author to answer them in his original submittal.  Hopefully, Caveman will follow up with additional chapters of this very good, fun story.

I think you're reading too much into it. It was a funny short story and from my point of view it's complete - which is kind of the point of a workshop story. While I would like to see more of Stacys accidents adventures, I'm pretty sure the story is over for Karen and her husband.

circes_cup wrote: A Brief Engagement -- This is the story that got my vote.  As both njae and Anon pointed out, the story would have been stronger if the transition from adoring Nick to despising him had been less abrupt.  To make it less abrupt, I would suggest planting a seed of trouble at the outset of the story -- perhaps something about how Nick had lied to her about other matters previously.  But for me, this abruptness is a relatively minor flaw in an otherwise really good story.  Sophie is a real girl who experiences both adoration and betrayal, and I certainly find the presence of her dark side to be very believable.   Moreover, G7 does an excellent job of pointing out how Nick's seeming generosity was, in a way, very selfish.  The action in this story is good, and, by all appearances, it's about to get a whole lot better.   I hope G7 continues this one!

I can't understand how bad characterization can be considered a minor flaw if it drives the plot. And now that you brought it to my attention, Nick's characterization is just as bad as Sophies. Whether he's a manipulating bastard or merely clumsy at setting up Sophie as the new superheroine in town is both implied and contradicted in this story. No matter which one it is, I can't agree to calling him selfish - especially not compared to Sophie. Maybe the action is really all that counts to some...

I enjoyed reading all of them, and my few favourites are how to fight sleep, a night to remember and stood up.

In my limited experience, i see good ideas and different styles of storytelling.

*bump* A bit more feedback would be nice. After all there's only a few days left till the poll closes.

Beta Reader's warning: I did beta-read for 'Fly Me to the Honeymoon' and 'Stood Up'. I also had a early read for 'A Night to Remember' but due to finals approaching very soon, I didn't get a chance to give some feedback. Sorry pans.

A Brief Engagement by Geekseven
I love the pacing of the story and the fact that I'm able to get a lot out of the dialogue even though it is rather short. Also, the fact that it starts out with an action brings me into the story immediately. And I did enjoy the twist at the end, I was not expecting that to be quite honest. However, the downfall of this story is how quickly and abruptly Sophie and Nick change their personalities. It made it almost unbelievable and brought me right out of the story. I do understand Sophie's justification in refusing to marrying him but I don't see her enacting any sort of malice. At least not yet.

A Night to Remember by Pansardum
I do like 1st Person perspective since it makes the story a lot closer. Especially in a story like this, I do feel that the distance is right. I especially like the build-up up to the reveal of her costume. Also, I must admit that this is a rather good homage to Anon's work and I'm also wondering if there was a wedding going on at the same time? The only issues I've had was the fact that the formatting was a bit hard to follow at first. Maybe using a smaller font or break up paragraphs more might have helped since it is a shorter format. Also, her use of superbreath was rather downplayed at the beginning, it wasn't as dramatic as I would've liked.

April Fools by Pocketfull
Well, I am glad to see that I'm not the only new author around here contributing to the workshop! Alright, I do like the premise of a supergirl doing an interview of sorts, revealing more and more of her powers. However, the formatting of this story did not work for me at all. It was very hard following this story, I was constantly being thrown out of it and it didn't attain my attention for very long. Also, the inclusion of pictures doesn't leave me much room to use my imagination, thus not making it that effective for me.

Fly me to the Honeymoon by Anon BETA-READER ALERT
The pacing of this story works well and I think it is a proper continuation of the Cos-play story considering it picks up where it left off. I love just how nervous Sharon is about getting married, even though she essentially has the Dark Supergirl costume underneath her. I also love the display of the small sibling rivalry, though I can sense that it is much bigger than that. I love the details overall of the scene and the characters. However, I wish you didn't reveal that she is wearing the costume so early on. I was expecting it throughout the story without it based on the universe this is set but that thought was now on the forefront instead of it being in the background.

Stood Up by njae BETA-READER ALERT
I was able to get so much information from a rather short story. I already got a sense of what type of woman Alissa may be and I already got a sense of Jeff/Metaman. Although the theme of a superman constantly leaving his significant other without any explanation is a very common theme, it was played out well enough that it was not overplayed; considering that instead of immediately focusing on to the superman in action we get the woman's perspective on this. I may be just a bit biased, but I think njae managed to write one of the best transformation scenes I have read in about 1000 words or less. Everything about the transformation was detailed and entailed that it drew me in more and more. My only qualm, I want to know more about what happens next.

Supers on a Plane by CavemanNinjaJoe
This one was also another clear forerunner for the workshop. I like that the story does not build up quite as fast, because it leaves me a lot of room to sit down and get comfortable, or in my case sit on the air and get comfortable. I figured out that Stacy was a super from the start, though the fact that I had to read into the clues did help. Also, the sudden disaster and nobody knowing what was going on is great. And the fact that I got a sense that a few people didn't make it makes it that much more believable, though I do admit it being very unfortunate. However, the comedy is what got me. I busted out laughing when you hinted at the cause of of the plane malfunction, so much so that I almost flew up too fast and nearly cracked the ceiling above me. And also the fact that Hypergirl accidentally gave Karen her formula makes it seem that she isn't the most careful of superheroines, which just adds further to the realism. Just like Stood Up, I want to know what's next.

Very belatedly, here are my thoughts on the entries to the workshop.

Supers on a Plane

I think this story is quite amusing. I would never have thought of a superwoman having a job as an air stewardess when she can fly on her own (though I do remember television adverts with Virgin Airlines stewardesses flying without planes). Nor would I have thought of her having problems with allergies causing her super-breath to act up. The ending is surprising, though in keeping with the rest of the story since it shows the superheroine being absent minded and a bit careless, causing damage though thankfully not serious casualties and accidentally creating a new superwoman. It certainly made me smile. It came close to getting my vote for its humour.

Stood Up

This is a different take on the non-super girlfriend finding out her boyfriend’s secret. It seems that Jeff had invited Alissa to his apartment with the intention of giving her the super-potion, or at least having that option. I do think the story suffers a bit through not having him there and not having Alissa react to the changes as much as she probably would have done. I certainly get the impression that she was both angry and resigned to Jeff’s frequent disappearing acts. I would definitely like to have seen how things proceeded when he returned from the emergency (still as Metaman?) and how Alissa adapted to the sudden changes she had experienced. She seems perhaps a bit too calm about it all, perhaps indicating that deep down she’d had her suspicions. I do agree with thos who liked the transformation scene, and I too wouldn't have thought it possible to fit it in within 1000 words, but I did feel the need tor more.

How to Fight Sleep

This is the story I’ve found it hardest to comment on. The supervisor seems to be both caring for the welfare of his employee and not caring at all, since he wants her to work longer and doesn’t seem to be too worried about what happened after she went home. He had tested the drink though, so he thought he knew what it would do and that it would be safe. I can understand his actions. I like how startled he was by the different effects the drink had on a young woman compared to him. I also like how Lydia is so clearly both bemused and delighted by her transformation. It certainly was a most effective energy booster so she will be able to finish her shift, do her coursework and sleep. At the end, I’m left wondering if the drink was a one-off or if it’s some sort of plot to create large numbers of superwomen.

Fly me to Honeymoon

I love this sweet epilogue to Shane’s first adventures with the costume. I suspect that whatever her intentions, she’s become a bit addicted to wearing it and does so every chance she gets. I can really see the looks on everyone’s faces when Shane starts to hover above the floor; there would scarcely have been a mouth that wasn’t hanging open in astonishment. She really was a bit too impulsive if she wanted to keep her powers a secret and I bet at the party she had hundreds of questions about how she was able to fly. I bet nobody really believes her when she says she didn’t deliberately send the bouquet to her sister and that one of her sister’s requests in patching their relationship up is to help her get a costume of her own. I’m enough of a romantic myself to find this nearly a perfect ending for the earlier story. For all of these reasons, this is the story that got my vote.

April Fools

I’m not really sure what to make of April here. She seems to be arrogant and in total control of the situation, but she doesn’t seem to want to be revealed to the world just yet. She’s got enough pull to arrange for the show and to have experts on hand, but she seems to be concerned about what could happen if her skills become well known. I would guess that she’s from a wealthy family and is new to her powers and wants to test herself before going totally public. The story is interesting and the use of pictures instead of words is a good touch, but I’m afraid that I was left confused by the end result. A follow up might be needed to resolve my confusion. I also agree that the structure of the story as a script rather than as a story made it a bit of an odd duck and harder to follow than it might otherwise have been.

A Night to Remember

This is an interesting addition to Anon’s DressMaker7 world. The mysterious makers of the costumes seem to be selling their share of costumes and I’m sure that word is quietly starting to get around about their services. I like the way the newlyweds are both surprised by the costume’s effects and how quickly the new wife recovers from the shock. Her smile at realising what she was now capable must have been a sight to behold for her husband, one I’m sure he will never forget. The story also made me realise how, given that a large percentage of people will not have read the instruction manual that comes with the costumes, there may well be quite a few people who discovered the costume’s effects the hard way causing unintentional damage.

A Brief Engagement

I feel absolutely furious with Nick for his actions. He obviously didn’t really care much for Sophie or for anybody else since he hired thugs to crash his proposal dinner and put innocent people at risk, then afterwards merely shrugs when he’s dumped. I’m not sure why he did it though. I suppose he must have had an idea of what the ring would do to Sophie but wasn’t absolutely certain what would happen. I’d guess he thought he could get Sophie to do whatever he wanted (perhaps she previously lacked confidence in herself?). Whatever the cause, I think that the world has just seen the birth of a superheroine and of her arch-nemesis. Sophie seems absolutely the right sort of person to have the power while Nick is absolutely the wrong sort.
Having read the other comments I find it interesting how we get different opinions on Sophie's selfishness or otherwise. I suppose that's one of the pitfalls of the length, leaving out some of the characterisation which would make it all clear. To me though, Sophie's actions in instinctively saving others were selfless rather than selfish.

Thanks for all the stories. Now I must unfortunately say my goodbyes for a while. I’m going to need to spend at least the next month concentrating on my life and some changes in it so I’m not going to be around here very much if at all. I hope that I’ll have everything sorted and be back regularly by the end of June, but if not I hope it won’t be too long after that. Thanks again for the fun of these stories and also for all the others that have appeared in the past few months.

Anon wrote: A Barmaid’s Tale by JKIJ

This is a story that I like and dislike at the same time. I just love the choice of fantasy setting, it's a rarely used gimmick, but one that I enjoy immensely. I think that this story makes a pretty good use of it. The pace isn't the best, but it works well enough for me to enjoy the story. The action is pretty solid and makes an excellent use of the tropes provided by the setting.
What I have problems with is the aestetics. I like my fantasy a little less flashy than this. Even when I play D&D, my character are very low key and normal looking. Necromancers in skulls engraved black armor, heroes wearing golden plate-mail etc. aren't really my thing. Other than that I think this story is an excellent addition and confirms my opinion about JKIJ high level of skill.

I understand the dislike of the flashiness. If I'd been going for a more serious, longer tale I probably would have left out much of it. If I ever do return to this world I think I will tone it down a bit, because I don't think it's sustainable for a long story. I'd probably explain it by having Lord Nechman as a one-off villain who simply delighted in showing off while most of the world is more subdued. Thank you very much for your comments on my skill though. I don't know that I agree, but it is very flattering.

JKIJ wrote:
How to Fight Sleep

This is the story I’ve found it hardest to comment on. The supervisor seems to be both caring for the welfare of his employee and not caring at all, since he wants her to work longer and doesn’t seem to be too worried about what happened after she went home. He had tested the drink though, so he thought he knew what it would do and that it would be safe. I can understand his actions. I like how startled he was by the different effects the drink had on a young woman compared to him. I also like how Lydia is so clearly both bemused and delighted by her transformation. It certainly was a most effective energy booster so she will be able to finish her shift, do her coursework and sleep. At the end, I’m left wondering if the drink was a one-off or if it’s some sort of plot to create large numbers of superwomen.

Hey, thanks for the reply. Yeah in a short story format it's hard to convey what exactly I want to go for but I'm glad some of the things came across well. I could've made the supervisor a bit more caring about her welfare but considering I spent one too many nights reading Not Always Working, that may have affected my writing. As for the drink, I think it's safe to say that I may have drawn a bit of inspiration from Firecracker in the sense that the drink affects only a select few of the population. Say about 1 in 500,000,000 women of the world and if the woman in question has any serious qualms about energy drinks like Lydia used to then those chances are even slimmer. Otherwise, you just get a sugar rush disguised as a energy boost and crash about 30 minutes later.

Thank you for the critique nonetheless.

Some quick, belated feedback.

A night to remember
This is the story that got my vote for reasons I can't quite explain. A sweet little scene that was well-written and pushed the right buttons. Weddings seem to be a recurring theme in this workshop...

April Fools
It's good to see new writers. I remember how nervous I was when I submitted my first ever story. I used the fake interview set up then as well, because it seemed an easy way to introduce a character. As others have said, I don't think the "script" style worked that well. It made the story seem more like a sketch or outline. Might have worked better fleshed out into a longer piece.

Fly me to honeymoon
Another fun, well-written scene. As others have said, it seems a little risky for Sharon to reveal her powers in such a public setting, but weddings do funny things to people.

How to fight sleep
A little rough around the edges. Present tense can be tricky to write and switching between the character's viewpoints reduces the impact. Still, a fun scene with an engaging protagonist.

Stood up
One of the best written entries. A nice prelude for a larger story.

Supers on a plane
Well written and paced, but the hayfever explanation was so offhand that I missed it the first time around.

With this sotry Njae did something that I didn't considered possible: writing a pretty detailed transformation scene in less that 1000 words. This achievement alone takes the story up a notch for me. As with Pans's story, this one lacks a bit on the superpowered feats part, but it's not the main feature here. Almost every bit of this story works perfectly, the opening is good, the pace works and I like those spare bits of characterization we get out of it. My biggest complain here would be: what now? The story is ripe for at least another scene and some explanation/exploration.
Again a runner up.

...

I was able to get so much information from a rather short story. I already got a sense of what type of woman Alissa may be and I already got a sense of Jeff/Metaman. Although the theme of a superman constantly leaving his significant other without any explanation is a very common theme, it was played out well enough that it was not overplayed; considering that instead of immediately focusing on to the superman in action we get the woman's perspective on this. I may be just a bit biased, but I think njae managed to write one of the best transformation scenes I have read in about 1000 words or less. Everything about the transformation was detailed and entailed that it drew me in more and more. My only qualm, I want to know more about what happens next.

...

This is a different take on the non-super girlfriend finding out her boyfriend’s secret. It seems that Jeff had invited Alissa to his apartment with the intention of giving her the super-potion, or at least having that option. I do think the story suffers a bit through not having him there and not having Alissa react to the changes as much as she probably would have done. I certainly get the impression that she was both angry and resigned to Jeff’s frequent disappearing acts. I would definitely like to have seen how things proceeded when he returned from the emergency (still as Metaman?) and how Alissa adapted to the sudden changes she had experienced. She seems perhaps a bit too calm about it all, perhaps indicating that deep down she’d had her suspicions. I do agree with thos who liked the transformation scene, and I too wouldn't have thought it possible to fit it in within 1000 words, but I did feel the need tor more.

...
One of the best written entries. A nice prelude for a larger story.[/quote]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. It's good to hear that the transformation was well-received since that was the challenge I was going for: Write a decent transformation scene in a thousand words. Sadly, this meant that I had to cut back on the overall plot so that I didn't have any space to go further into Alissa's reaction and first testing of her new powers. I tried my best to keep things consistent and believable and since I don't hear any complains it seems like I managed to do that. And while I agree that the story could be a bit longer (my original idea had Jeff there the whole time after all) and even had a follow-up scene in mind, I don't feel motivated to write an extended version or a continuation. It probably wouldn't be widely appreciated anyway.

Long overdue but finally here comes my thoughts about this workshop entries.

As mentioned before, one could almost think this workshop was about the union of two people.

Starting with a date in:

Stood Up

A less than perfect date, with what seems to be a highly unreliable partner. Though it quickly shows that things are not all what they seem. From that point this well written piece sadly lacks in surprises. It is a well traveled road to the end. Seen in other feedbacks I am not alone to have wanted more. But as Anon said, it is nearly an achievement to fit a well described transformation, like this, into 1000 words. Sadly I think it is an achievement that takes too much space from other (possibly interesting) events. I have nothing against good transformations but in this entry I think it was in a too cramped space. Anon also mentioned that this piece is "ripe for at least another scene and some explanation", something I totally agree on, the scene I personally rather would have seen.

This is also the only piece where the supergirl doesn't show her transformation/powers to anybody else. Another thing I love to see, just because the interaction and reaction with/by people around the super is what I really like in this genre.

Anyway after the dating it eventually ends up in an engagement, however brief

A Brief Engagement

Firstly I think Anon and Njae is a bit hard on this entry, although their criticism is spot on. A small seed of trouble at the start could have made Sophies quick change of heart more believable. Incorporating that she was tired of his betrayals. If something, I also think the catchphrase “Run. Run for your life.” is a bit hard. Despite keeping the ring and breaking up the relationship I find her death threat off-putting. I would rather have seen a simple "Get lost". It would have worked in both cases used, but doesn't have the same punch, for good and bad. Showing a more hurt than menacing side to Sophie.

Even though these minor flaws I found this piece enjoyable and especially loved the challenge she produce with the simple phrase "Make me".

After each (lasting) engagement we get to the wedding, this time portrayed in

Fly me to honeymoon

Anon's continuation to "Cos-play". This is a bit of a cheat, (I don't mean it as harsh as it might sound) but in saying so I mean Anon have all of the characters mapped out somewhere else. In a positive aspect he saves a lot of words here and there, but in negative it requires the reader to be familiar with his "Cos-play" characters to fully appreciate this piece.
I beta-read this piece and was at first a bit confused about who Janet and Kay was, shortly after remembering the two supporting characters from Cos-play, but to be honest I'm still not entirely sure who is who.

Anyhow I think Anon continues his streak of well written pieces, but that this sadly doesn't stand out among the many other good entries. In the end I have trouble pinpointing what could have been done better. As with Njae's story it doesn't offer much in surprises, especially after the mention that Shane wears the suit under the gown, but that is just nitpicking in this case. I think it just lacks that special thing that makes a story great, that special something I wish I knew.

After the ceremony every couple ends up in a bed somewhere and there is where my story picks up.

A Night To Remember

I would like to thank for the feedback in this thread and those that even voted for my entry. Much appreciated!


Sadly not everyone got the wedding theme memo and among them we found:

How to Fight Sleep

Another well written piece (At this point my standard compliment ) Anyhow I have the same trouble with Cam's entry as with Anon's. I don't really know what to complain about. If I was bold enough I would say this might suffer from too much setup in a too slow pace. (No one dare compare to my own entry here, just want to remind everyone that I do have a ban button (PS to fats: Which I would never misuse ))

I did enjoy this piece the most the first time I read it and even gave me a chuckle towards the end, sadly this enjoyment didn't stick during the following read-throughs. In the end I think I found the conversations a bit stiff, making the reactions seem a bit too calm at her transformation and flight.

April Fools

It has been mentioned before in this thread and I can only agree, the play description in this entry didn't work for me. Even though I think I could look past it after about half the story, I would rather have seen a more coherent storytelling. Which would have lead to another problem, it tried to fit too much into the confined boundaries.
Towards the end it was another thing that bugged me, her two degrading comments. I think they was out of place and ended up off-putting. Maybe I just don't like that kind of supergirl.

I have often read and heard that great stories shows, not tells. I think that is where this entry falls flat, it tells everything, In total contrast to:

Supers on a Plane

I loved how this story showed everything instead of telling. Easily seen in Karen's cringe, harrumph and foot tapping at the beginning. I was instantly immersed into the setting and it held my excitement high all the way to the end, with its action and humor.
It also had the most memorable line of this workshop, “Bloody hayfever season...” (This was so good that I'm not even gonna question if Supergirls really are effected by such allergies )


Lastly:
Good work everyone and congrats to Geekseven for the win. I really hope this many fine entries find their way into the next workshop as well!