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Wendy, Special Weapon Research

30 May 2016 14:30 - 02 Jun 2016 16:29 #48135 by fats
fats created the topic: Wendy, Special Weapon Research
A new topic for people to talk about the new story by the new writer (to this site) lustmonster.

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Last Edit: 02 Jun 2016 16:29 by Woodclaw.

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31 May 2016 09:09 - 31 May 2016 09:37 #48142 by AuGoose
AuGoose replied the topic: Playing the Villain – Part 1
Ok, there's simply tons to love in that, so I'm pleased to say my list of suggestions is short. No particularly egregious typos/grammatical hiccups jumped out at me, so we can skip forward to the advanced stuff :).

Tiger Team
(US military jargon) 1. Originally, a team whose purpose is to penetrate security, and thus test security measures. These people are paid professionals who do hacker-type tricks, e.g. leave cardboard signs saying "bomb" in critical defense installations, hand-lettered notes saying "Your codebooks have been stolen" (they usually haven't been) inside safes, etc. After a successful penetration, some high-ranking security type shows up the next morning for a "security review" and finds the sign, note, etc. and all hell breaks loose. Serious successes of tiger teams sometimes lead to early retirement for base commanders and security officers.


Basically, as soon as I started reading, this term popped into my head, so it might be handy to slip it into her thinking or Wallace's briefing. Of you could make a more subtle nod to it by having the simulated attacker be codenamed "Tigress". You might also mention there's a phrase that's supposed to stop the exercise. Safety first, after all.

The description of the outer wall of the base was a little limp, and even if there is a full wall, there'd also be a lot of chain link fencing, concertina wire, and warning signage everywhere. Maybe some searchlights, 'cause really, who doesn't want to shine a spot light on her fabulous form :whistle:? Same can be said dividing up regions inside the base. I'm sure she can find something to do with big flexible webs of metal, and hundred-foot long strands of wire "barbed, for her pleasure" :blink:.

With the remotely operated soldier robots being such important actors in this exchange, I think they need a catchy military name, which will also free up the word "robotic" to describe their actions, remains, etc. without having the weird echo of 'robotic robots'. And with an offhanded thought or comment about their price-per-unit, she can have a little thrill thinking about the vast cost of this game even if there' no loss of life.

At first I was a little put off that she's starting naked, but given the level of roughhousing, she'd have gotten there soon enough. Still, rather than any sort of tight cloths, let the idea of her starting out in a long black pancho (with or without hood) roll around in your head. I'd also like to know a little more about her hair. It's length could have some implications either way. Short and she sounds more military. Longer and it adds a tool that can keep up with her like the girder club (which I loved BTW). And if its long enough, garroting a robot with it... :).

Also, consider giving us some smells (or even tastes). There's gunfire, burning, explosions, motor oil, other fluids. Nothing like a stink to put you in a place.

Regardless, a fantastic offering for a first or fifteenth contribution. Welcome aboard, and may there be many more :).
Last Edit: 31 May 2016 09:37 by AuGoose.

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01 Jun 2016 15:03 #48163 by AuGoose
AuGoose replied the topic: Playing the Villain – Part 1
Ok, I know it's in part III, but the peanut brittle made me laugh. No one can resist See's candy.

No one.

Great break in the action. That contrast helps the rest really pop.

Give a little bite of the peanut brittle to your muse :). Maybe she'll stay for more.

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01 Jun 2016 15:09 #48164 by LustMonster
LustMonster replied the topic: Playing the Villain – Part 1
My muse is out, happily tearing apart old bank vaults.
She can't sit still for a MINUTE.

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02 Jun 2016 16:31 #48185 by Woodclaw
Woodclaw replied the topic: Wendy, Special Weapon Research
I've chenged the title to match the new library shelf created with LustMonster's four rapid-fire stories.

Go read them if you haven't yet.

(formerly Anon, still Librarian)

"What is the point of having free will if one cannot occasionally spit in the eye of destiny?" ("Gentleman" John Marcone)

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03 Jun 2016 00:00 #48192 by castor
castor replied the topic: Wendy, Special Weapon Research
Liking this-what i particuarly liked was until chapter 3 there was for all intenses no backstory about who wendy was what her mission is why she is "playing villaness"-all we know is that she isn't one, just you know...pretending to be one on TV.

That said the ending in chapter 3 i think was very clever and i liked how you built on what was going on with the introduction of the commander.

Even in chapter 4 it does feel very vauge, but i like how your building on it- At times it does feel a bit coming out of your ass-which kinda works for perhaps the best part-this a very enthisastic story and if as Goose Said it is light on details-wendy doesn't care except how big it looks and how strong she has to be to bend it(which spoiler alert she can_-all she has is her imense set of joy at doing this and being this powerful super being. and that comes across crystal.

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03 Jun 2016 00:53 - 03 Jun 2016 01:09 #48194 by LustMonster
LustMonster replied the topic: Wendy, Special Weapon Research
The vagueness is quite deliberate. Think of these early stories as a zoom lens that started out locked on Wendy, and is slowly pulling back. I do have some pretty good ideas now (I think) about the world around them, and will be dropping them in a bit at a time in as the stories progress.

And yes, I suppose it is mostly coming out of my ass, LOL.
Last Edit: 03 Jun 2016 01:09 by LustMonster. Reason: Explaining things better!

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04 Jun 2016 18:59 #48257 by Woodclaw
Woodclaw replied the topic: Wendy, Special Weapon Research
This is a series that has a very distinct and interesting feeling to it: potential expansion (not muscular expansion mind you). In general our stories tend to go in one of three ways:
  1. totally self-contained narratives that don't need or don't care for the rest of the world;
  2. world(s) spanning epics that try to cram as many details as possible as soon as possible (i.e. info dumps)
  3. stories that start small, but grew over time
In my eyes this series has the potential to pertains to this last genre. Already we have some hint of possible future events (for example the distinct possiblity of other superhumans from different countries).
The one thing that makes this stories stand up is the action, it's vivid, brutal and non-stopping, perhaps a tad forumlaic, but it's never dull and keep the reader in his seat till the end.
As detailed as the action is, though, there is one detail that puts me off a bit: how scarse the details about the characters are. Of the two main character we know only they're heavily musculed, with big breasts and quite tall. I'd love to see something more to breath life into these ladies, even a simple description of their hairstyle and color would give another layer of definition to the entire story and help visualie the scenes more clearly.

I hope to see more from you LustMonster ;)

(formerly Anon, still Librarian)

"What is the point of having free will if one cannot occasionally spit in the eye of destiny?" ("Gentleman" John Marcone)

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04 Jun 2016 19:16 #48258 by LustMonster
LustMonster replied the topic: Wendy, Special Weapon Research
More details about the characters (appearance, hair color) are definitely forthcoming.

I must admit I hadn't really settled on those at the beginning, but since I am now communicating with several artists to have illustrations drawn for the stories, I finally had to bite the bullet and start figuring that out. :-)

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06 Jun 2016 15:18 #48302 by Woodclaw
Woodclaw replied the topic: Wendy, Special Weapon Research
Perimeter Patrol is exactly the direction I was hoping this series to take. I keeps all the established elements so far and it's starting to widen the scope without relying on a info dump. I'm very happy with it.

(formerly Anon, still Librarian)

"What is the point of having free will if one cannot occasionally spit in the eye of destiny?" ("Gentleman" John Marcone)

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11 Jun 2016 03:15 #48460 by LustMonster
LustMonster replied the topic: Wendy, Special Weapon Research
As I've posted these stories, I've been meaning to give a shout out to the artists who I commissioned to illustrate them, but keep forgetting to. Bad me!

Anyway, the illustrations inside my stories have been created by Plinius .

The image for my story series in the Series Library was created (in a livestream presentation!) by Joe Trimarchi .

Thanks guys!

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12 Jun 2016 21:56 #48505 by AuGoose
AuGoose replied the topic: Wendy, Special Weapon Research
Very much enjoying the gradual introduction of additional elements. And new cast members! :).

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23 Jun 2016 19:17 #48773 by rebel4life
rebel4life replied the topic: Wendy, Special Weapon Research
Thank you very much for your very well thought-out and written story, LM! Really enjoy reading it and I especially enjoy the conversations, which are quite entertaining, ingenious and often funny.

That said, I personally think some of the action and (graphic) descriptions are a little over the top here and there and they tend to get repetitive as the story progresses. Maybe you've escalated the feats (of strength) a litte too early and too excessive, which might have prompted the (slightly premature, imho) introduction of the Russian superwoman.

But I'm just nit-picking at a high level, please keep up the great work (and keep the parts coming)! ;)

PS: Love your avatar, exactly my type of female, too. Nothing better than athletic, short-haired brunettes :)
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23 Jun 2016 20:05 - 23 Jun 2016 20:40 #48778 by LustMonster
LustMonster replied the topic: Wendy, Special Weapon Research
Hi! Thank you for your comments (and critique) of my stories so far. I must admit I've been somewhat starving for more feedback.

I guess I tend to approach my writing the same way Roland Emmerich or John McTiernan does moviemaking, with the good and bad that implies. ACTION ACTION ACTION! My writing toolbelt, if made physical, would probably manifest as a row of sledgehammers in slightly different sizes. The "over the top" aspect is definitely there as you mentioned, and I'll almost certainly continue to do that to some extent, because it's rather deeply wired into my writing DNA. Honestly, it's the sort of thing I love to read.

Feats of strength will always be front and center for my heroines, simply because it's my favorite superpower (with invulnerability a close second). Others may or may not follow... impossible to see, the future is!

I'll at least try to reign in the repetitiveness, when I am able to recognize it, though there are some things that will definitely repeat, because they are part of what makes Wendy and the Commander who they are.

I'm happy that you're enjoying the dialog I write, as I feared it would be the weakest part of my stories. IRL I'm the kind of person who just sits quietly in the corner of the room at a party, nervously avoiding casual conversation.

I did have some reservations about introducing the "Tsarina" this soon, but I wanted to set something external in motion that gives more hints about the current state of the wider world, as well as why certain things are happening (or soon will be happening) at the Research Base. The next part (which I actually just finished, sans serious editing) will clarify this stuff better, I think. Suffice it to say that the Tsarina really isn't entering the story in a big way just yet.

Oh, and my avatar is Wendy, in case you hadn't noticed that already. :)
Last Edit: 23 Jun 2016 20:40 by LustMonster.

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23 Jun 2016 20:53 #48780 by rebel4life
rebel4life replied the topic: Wendy, Special Weapon Research
Yeah, I was wondering about the lack of feedback, too. I actually signed up mainly for the purpose of dropping a "thank you note" for your stories.

Don't get me wrong, superstrength is my favorite trait in superwomen, too, and I love to read those passages of your stories. I just think that if you take it too far too early, you'll rather sooner than later will get stuck with the dilemma of having to introduce either a) some sort of "kryptonite" and/or b) some She-Ra like levels of strength (like pulling a planet together) and/or c) some superior supervillain, which basically brings you back to a) in order to keep it going. That actually might be inherent to those stories and I'm not even sure whether I'm raising a valid point here, but to me, that's the part that I hated most about CBS's Supergirl season 1: she never really seemed to be "super". On the other hand, this is the element I love most in your stories, those two gals are "super", but this might eventually turn boring if ... and we're back to the dilemma.

The good thing about your wallflower RL existence: You're obviously an outstanding observer! :) But don't worry, you'll do alright eventually (if you haven't already). After all, you're a natural storyteller.

Thanks for clarifying that with the Tsarina. Actually, another aspect that I'm really enjoying about stories is the general setup, and how we gradually learn about the world they're set in.

And yeah, I know it's Wendy, but I still like the detail. Breast size is another thing you took a little bit over the top, imho ... ;)
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23 Jun 2016 21:32 #48784 by LustMonster
LustMonster replied the topic: Wendy, Special Weapon Research

Breast size is another thing you took a little bit over the top, imho ...


Sorry, but on that point, I will not budge a millimeter.

BIG MUSCLES, BIG BOOBS! RAAAAWWWWRRR!!!!

:)

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23 Jun 2016 22:41 #48790 by rebel4life
rebel4life replied the topic: Wendy, Special Weapon Research
Guess I :silly: figured. Didn't mean to make you change it, anyways :lol: .

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24 Jun 2016 00:09 #48800 by Woodclaw
Woodclaw replied the topic: Wendy, Special Weapon Research

LustMonster wrote: Hi! Thank you for your comments (and critique) of my stories so far. I must admit I've been somewhat starving for more feedback.

I guess I tend to approach my writing the same way Roland Emmerich or John McTiernan does moviemaking, with the good and bad that implies. ACTION ACTION ACTION! My writing toolbelt, if made physical, would probably manifest as a row of sledgehammers in slightly different sizes. The "over the top" aspect is definitely there as you mentioned, and I'll almost certainly continue to do that to some extent, because it's rather deeply wired into my writing DNA. Honestly, it's the sort of thing I love to read.


I don't want to sound unfair but in my, limited, experience as awriter this is something that can work in a very episodic framework, but kills any kind of prolonged narrative. Constantly pumping the action often creates the opposite effect and the reader instead of being more engaged becomes less interested. Often the best technique is to have peaks of superconcentrated action followed by deep valleys of quiet with the tension subtly rising throughout the story.

The guys of Extra Credits explained this very clearly.

I did have some reservations about introducing the "Tsarina" this soon, but I wanted to set something external in motion that gives more hints about the current state of the wider world, as well as why certain things are happening (or soon will be happening) at the Research Base. The next part (which I actually just finished, sans serious editing) will clarify this stuff better, I think. Suffice it to say that the Tsarina really isn't entering the story in a big way just yet.


I think that this introduction is actually one of the highlights of the series so far: it set a new bit of a world that is getting explored one tile at a time and opens many possibilities for future stories, possibly with a different tone and style.

(formerly Anon, still Librarian)

"What is the point of having free will if one cannot occasionally spit in the eye of destiny?" ("Gentleman" John Marcone)
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24 Jun 2016 01:00 #48802 by LustMonster
LustMonster replied the topic: Wendy, Special Weapon Research
That is a really good video, thanks!

The fractal nature of the Arc/Scene/Action graphs is especially interesting. That must be pretty difficult to consistently apply to a whole story series though.

I'll definitely try to keep it in mind, going forward.

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05 Jul 2016 14:41 #48976 by AuGoose
AuGoose replied the topic: Wendy, Special Weapon Research
Congrats on another fun piece (even if it is icky). And multi-illustrated!

((put out the Darkwing!))
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